I'm 28 weeks pregnant, my BPD twin making threats

[Peta87]

Hi everyone. My BPD mother had pass away but my twin sister been diagnose with the BPD in the teen years. She been in and out in mental hospital and her behaviour and attitude is extremely bad. I dealt with her verbal  abusing me all my life and I became her rescuer just like I was the rescuer for my mum. she have no respect for me and treat me like rubbish at times.

I'm 28 weeks pregnant, in February I'm having a combined baby shower and my sister and I 30th birthday party. My sister was happy with all the plans but she called me and let me know she change her mind, she doesn't want to come to the baby shower because she doesn't like how its on the same day, then she said that she not coming to our 30th because I'm inviting more people as she only have few friends that she invited. She also stated she didn't want to cut the cake full of strangers because her anxiety.

Then she said she will only come if she wear no bra under her thin white and doesn't care if she show nipples because it's most of my people. I said no you need to wear a bra or underlay or you can't come to the party because it's at my place.

She slammed me on Facebook and told everyone she just got uninvited because I didn't like her dress she wearing , she twist my words around and she said I don't accept her who she is. My husband and I tried to reason with her and even said she can come with no bra. She said it's to late and she not coming to the party.

She start making threats that my husband and I will pay for what we done and we will coped it bad, she even message my sister in law and let her know he will go through pain for what we done.

While I was at work, my sister destroyed our backyard with eggs everywhere and wrecked our furniture. We called the police and they put a protection order in place and it's will go to court. It's could be a 2years order she can't go near me.

I'm worried how she react to the order and my question is how can I walk away im use to be her rescuer.

[Kwamina]

Hi Peta87

Congrats on the upcoming baby! That is wonderful news. I had been thinking how you were doing so thanks for the update.

I remember your history very well and how problematic your mother's behavior was. Yet through it all what I also very much remember is your deep love for your mother that always shone through your posts. It is very sad you lost her the way you did.

It is very unpleasant that your sister is behaving this way at what is such an important time for you. The baby shower could be such a joyous event but unfortunately your sister's behavior is causing you some stress now. I think you were right to call the police after what your sister did. This is about your safety and setting boundaries. Has she ever done anything like this before that she destroyed things that belong to you?

I'm worried how she react to the order and my question is how can I walk away im use to be her rescuer.

Perhaps another way to look at it is that you are not per se walking away from your sister, but you are distancing yourself from her harmful behavior in order to protect yourself and your family. You are enforcing a boundary and boundaries are primarily for ourselves and our own protection. Your sister might not like you setting this boundary, but you have every right to make this choice and it makes great sense to me that you take these actions after such extreme behavior from your sister. Especially since you are expecting a child and really don't need all this extra stress now and also not when your child is born.

The Board Parrot

[Peta87]

Thanks so much, Its my first baby and I'm having a boy.

I can't believe you remember my history of my Mother with BPD. It's been extremely hard seeing my twin sister having the same Disorder. between my Mother behaviour and my sister behaviour it's completely different but it's the same disorder. My Twin is more aggressive, she has more anger in her and uses that anger in a cruel way to hurt people, her mouth and her abusive language with me especially it's definitely hard to deal with.

she uses her mental illness as an excuse for everything, her behaviour and why she doesn't do things for herself. she claim instantly with the police when she destroyed my backyard. she can do no wrong and everything is my fault and I'm out to hurt her.

She making excuses for not going to therapy and getting the right treatment for her disorder , she will say it's didn't work for me 10 years ago when she was 20 year old and she also afraid of hard work and changing her life for good. she want live as a victim and use her BPD how she treat people badly and she want people to do things for her.

Because she not getting the right treatment all these years, I think her anger been building up for years and that making her as one very dangerous person that will hurt me and put my family in pain to make her feel better.

My sister is definitely jealous of my lifestyle, she compared what I have and she haven't have in her life. I work full time, married and I brought a new place and she only feel better if she give me pain, example trying to destroy my baby shower and our 30th birthday.

when she destroyed my backyard while I was at work, that broke me big time I put a lot of stress on my pregnant body that I have to see a therapist regarding this situation.

It's hard to compensate what had happen and why she want to hurt my husband and I so much. Setting boundaries it's something I never done  before with her but when she making threats to my husband and I, while I'm pregnant I think it's time to look after myself and my emotional wellbeing for my baby boy. When she receive the protection order, she will definitely lose it because we don't have much family, it's just me and her stick together. This order is 2 years, she won't able to go near me during that time and she won't able to meet my son. I don't know how I'm going to deal with it because I do have to let her go and I won't able to rescue her like before. I will definitely grieve for her.

My therapist said she won't change if you going to support her behaviour , she will only change if I put boundaries up.

[Kwamina]

Hi again Peta87

when she destroyed my backyard while I was at work, that broke me big time I put a lot of stress on my pregnant body that I have to see a therapist regarding this situation.

This indeed clearly shows why it's so important to set some firm boundaries with your sister. Preserving your own health and that of your baby boy is crucial.

When I read your posts the so-called Karpman drama triangle comes to mind. Are you familiar with this triangle? Here's some information about it:

The drama triangle was originally conceived (1968-1972) by Karpman as a way of graphically displaying the complex interaction that occurs between people embroiled in pathological conflict.
... .
Karpman observed that in conflict and drama, there is "good guy vs bad guy" thinking. He also observed that the participants become drawn in, even seduced, by the energy that the drama generates. The drama obscures the real issues. Confusion and upset escalates. Solutions are no longer the focus.
Karpman defined three roles in the "transaction"; Persecutor, Rescuer (the one up positions) and Victim (one down position). Karpman placed these three roles on an inverted triangle and described them as being the three aspects, or faces of drama.
... .
Karpman's triangle is a simple tool for conceptualizing the dynamics of dysfunctional roles in conflict and for mapping the role changes as the conflict grows.

In your post you mention the terms victim and rescue and your sister's threats and violent rage resemble the role of persecutor. With her threats and violent rage she is pushing you into the role of victim. Yet with her false accusations she is also trying to cast you in the role of persecutor while portraying herself as victim and justifying her persecutory behavior, likely trying to draw others in or draw you in to rescue her again so the cycle can start all over again. Would you agree with this assessment? Do you feel like the Karpman Triangle applies to your sister's behavior and the dynamics of your relationship with your sister?

There's also a so-called Caring Triangle / Winning Triangle:

In 1990, Acey Choy M.Ed., PTSTA, introduced the Winning Triangle in the Transactional Analysis Journal as the antithesis of the Karpman Triangle. Her work has been heralded by Dr. Karpman as "excellent". Choy contrasts the unhealthy dynamics of each role of the Karpman triangle with healthy dynamics:
- Assert rather than persecute
- Be vulnerable, but not a victim
- Be caring, but don't overstep (rescue)

You can read more here: Escaping Conflict and the Karpman Drama Triangle

Take care