Nobody understands/takes emotional abuse seriously

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I am not the type to tell everyone about how abusive my ex or other relationships were however I have noticed some trusted ones that I have told really do not understand. I get the sense that they may have even thought there was something wrong with me too for not walking away.

A lot of it of course was subtle forms of abuse based on minor issues that a 'normal' couple could sort out.
Who would have a fight/argument over cold chips for example. It's like your whole experience is so ridiculous to even explain at times.

Sometimes it makes you question whether you were too sensitive after all or making it all up in your head.
Like no sh#t we had a choice to end it quickly and to just walk away from it all but it seems so minimising you know?
as if we are somehow weak people for staying.
the whole 'you can choose how you feel' deal. Minimising again.

It's really sad that so many people can only understand physical and sexual abuse but not emotional abuse.

I am little or should I admit very upset today because I recalled my friend a few days ago encouraging me to see this other friend I used to have for a FWB again because he seems worried that I have not been with anyone for a while now and should try and see others again. He has a 'you gotta have fun while you are young' type attitude which I understand... but he didn't realise or seemed to have forgotten how abusive that person was to me.
This person is not my ex however did not treat me right and I am glad I walked away from that person in particular earlier rather than later.

I noticed that many I have been intimate with so far has not turned out to be a good person (3 people) for lack of a better way to describe them. I feel badly that I have not chosen the right kind of people and so I am starting to think others like my friend here do not take what I have experienced seriously since it's been 3 people in a row now.

I stayed quiet when I should have told him he upset me. Seeing that person again means losing my dignity and self-respect for me. That's why I am really upset with him for bringing that person up. I guess I still have a hard time 'rocking the boat' so to speak or making people feel uncomfortable for being careless about what they say to me and just try to deal with it quietly on my own. When people like him open their mouth I start to think nobody believes me or that they believe I have exaggerated my experiences and I know that is not true.

I question why do I care so much about him not feeling embarrassed over what I experienced with that person I should have said something but I held back all because I wanted a good day rest of the day hanging out and for him to not end up feeling bad.

[Curiously1]

I am not the type to tell everyone about how abusive my ex or other relationships were however I have noticed some trusted ones that I have told really do not understand. I get the sense that they may have even thought there was something wrong with me too for not walking away.

A lot of it of course was subtle forms of abuse based on minor issues that a 'normal' couple could sort out.
Who would have a fight/argument over cold chips for example. It's like your whole experience is so ridiculous to even explain at times.

Sometimes it makes you question whether you were too sensitive after all or making it all up in your head.
Like no sh#t we had a choice to end it quickly and to just walk away from it all but it seems so minimising you know?
as if we are somehow weak people for staying.
the whole 'you can choose how you feel' deal. Minimising again.

It's really sad that so many people can only understand physical and sexual abuse but not emotional abuse.

I am little or should I admit very upset today because I recalled my friend a few days ago encouraging me to see this other friend I used to have for a FWB again because he seems worried that I have not been with anyone for a while now and should try and see others again. He has a 'you gotta have fun while you are young' type attitude which I understand... but he didn't realise or seemed to have forgotten how abusive that person was to me.
This person is not my ex however did not treat me right and I am glad I walked away from that person in particular earlier rather than later.

I noticed that many I have been intimate with so far has not turned out to be a good person (3 people) for lack of a better way to describe them. I feel badly that I have not chosen the right kind of people and so I am starting to think others like my friend here do not take what I have experienced seriously since it's been 3 people in a row now.

I stayed quiet when I should have told him he upset me. Seeing that person again means losing my dignity and self-respect for me. That's why I am really upset with him for bringing that person up. I guess I still have a hard time 'rocking the boat' so to speak or making people feel uncomfortable for being careless about what they say to me and just try to deal with it quietly on my own. When people like him open their mouth I start to think nobody believes me or that they believe I have exaggerated my experiences and I know that is not true.

I question why do I care so much about him not feeling embarrassed over what I experienced with that person I should have said something but I held back all because I wanted a good day rest of the day hanging out and for him to not end up feeling bad.

[Sunfl0wer]

Gonna speak for myself here, and be blunt, so take what ya care to, dump what you don't like... .

Yes, in general, has been my observation that physical abuse gets so much more sympathy than emotional or verbal. 

What twists my mind is how the abuse can be so pervasive and covert and mind bending to my sense of reality.  For me, most times I have struggled way more to  cope with covert abuse than physical.

Yea, one thing that makes coping tricky is that it really IS so difficult to put into words and describe how my BF was being passive aggressive and using covert meanns to hurt me and my son.  So what he plopped in the living room, put on a show none of us would watch, took over the main areas of the house with the volume, this doesn't seem bad at all right?  But it wasn't the single action that hurt so much, but the underlying games and attempts to alienate and harm us that were patterns and well, put us in our place so to speak.

Anyways... .
Often folks cannot grasp this.
Or I simply cannot convey it clear enough.

Bruises and x rays are more concrete to some.

Hence why I appreciated going through detaching here.

However, to be fair... .
We all really DO have choices

So when I am not getting the response I want from folks... .
I have to remember... .
I cannot make people give me what I want
I only control me

Setting my expectations high for a specific type of emotional support from anyone may leave me disappointed.  So I learn to change my expectations.  Sure, I wish they "got it." But what can one do about that other than drone on more about stuff ya already did.

I find people have been able to handle hearing about my abuse... .
-When selecting few people who know me best
-In smaller doses
-Less victim mentality/seeking comiseration or sympathy vs more sense of empowerment or being in a more wisemind during discussions vs emotional mindset.

Sometimes I felt I needed more than my circle of friends could handle, so I found other ways to cope to minimize feeling hurt by not getting what I felt I needed... .
-shared small bits here and there in tiniest doses, flippant remarks or some other less emotional way.
-spread my need to share, around greater number of folks to not wear out one or two
-talk online
-talk to therapist
-find other outlets, as sometimes ruminations may get me stuck even if I think they help.

[Curiously1]

  sunfl0wer
Yes covert abuse can be oh so subtle it is very hard to put into words.
Describing turning up the volume as a deliberate means to bother you and your son is hard to explain  You start to know them really well and why they do certain subtle things and what you are explaining is not just about a single occurance.
Yes we do have a choice. I know we do. In fact going through these kinds of experiences we LEARN more that we do... we learn more about our rights and then hopefully we feel less victimised once we learn these things fully.
Often we stay because of our insecurities sure but also because we are confused at the time and just trapped with wanting the lovely person they showed us at the beginning. Just so many factors and reasons to stay for longer than oh thats just easy just walk away and that would have never happened.


I try and not take it personally. I really do try. I just hurts when you have made it perfectly clear that you do not want to hear about a particular person ever again and have explained they were abusive as a means of protecting yourself and from possibly hurting further. It's like nobody can protect you but yourself and I try so hard not to become negative when I encounter someone/friends who cannot and  may never understand. Sometimes I wish I was one of those people who got into a healthy relationship and that was that.

There are definitely better people to talk to about these things such as people on this board, a therapist, my own mother actually but it would be nice if most people understood or where educated about these kinds of things as a whole, in my opinion to not cause further damage. I need to lower my expectations I know. Even when I do I still get disappointed and upset so I guess that's natural. Nobody wants to feel invalidated.

I just recognise how damaging it can be, especially depending on what stage of recovery you are in. I am not blaming anyone, we choose our own actions but I can imagine being encouraged to go back to an abusive partner might work for someone who is still in a state of confusion etc. I want to feel like my friends are on my side and not like I just exaggerated the whole thing etc. I am just imaging the impact it has as a whole. How people can contribute to encouraging cycles of abuse without realising it but then who can blame them when they do not fully understand what went on? This angers me.

Lucky for me though, I know what is best for me and what was going on. I was just upset thinking if I was my old self... just maybe I would DOUBT myself again and my own experience and hurt myself all over again and nobody would be there to watch over me etc. I used to be heavily reliant on other peoples opinions over my own because I was not confident and that made me SUSCEPTIBLE to abuse in the first place. I know what I used to be like and I really don't want to live like that anymore. I have yet to have a friend who can be just as understanding and sensitive to my issues as I am to theirs.

[ShadowA]

For someone who's been emotionally abused for a long time by trying to get my relationship to work.

I would take physical abuse anyday over it.
Depression sucks.
Also trying to make sense from fact and fiction sucks as well when someone is disordered.

Not only that, but people tend to look down on you if you're emotionally abused. While if physically abused, you get more people on your side.

Although to be fair, physical abuse can easily connect into emotional...

[Curiously1]

For someone who's been emotionally abused for a long time by trying to get my relationship to work.
I would take physical abuse anyday over it.

Sorry to hear that you have dealt with it for a long time.
As effed up as this sounds, in regards to my exBPDgf I did wonder at some point if getting more of the physical abuse would make what I experienced more credible or taken more seriously by others. I wondered what made me so special for her to not do what I have heard she had done to her exes and one replacement after me. She was more violent towards them and I never experienced that particularly. Some people say its because I was stronger and she couldn't get to me that way. But those negative thoughts were there at one point. Her emotional/psychological/covert abuse were very cutting on its own.

[ACObound]

Curiously 1.  It was so interesting when you said:
I did wonder at some point if getting more of the physical abuse would make what I experienced more credible or taken more seriously by others

In my uBPDw(possible soon to be uBPDex) rants I must have heard a 100 times ... .I wish you hit me(never ever happened... .ever) so everyone could see
how you treat me.   So I was of course the one doing the emotional abuse.   I have to admit when I heard that my anxiety level rose and I put up the boundary and got out of the "discussion" to make sure I didn't snap.

So I realize it was projecting everything to me, but it struck me when a non had the same feeling.
 anybody have anything like this?

[ynwa]

In my case, I was more aware of the physical abuse, pushing, hitting, scratching because i could not retaliate, would not.  It's not a gender thing, but a size thing. I was more scared of hurting by accident than I was her me, yes there was blood, ripped tshirts, broken glasses.  But the words shut me down and I didn't even realize. It became my normal, until at times, I fought back verbally. In those times, I was able to shut her down with cruel words, I felt worse. 

I don't feel I am a victim, but I have to acknowledge what I went through.  And when I do tell people, they are more shocked by the physical. But some of them on their own have stressed the mental and emotional abuse. Some of them know her, and some knownus both.  They have told me the changes in me in just the last month are amazing. 

I feel the worst part for me is being told it was MY FAULT. that I was to blame for her behavior. But now I'm able to shrug it off in a way, because it's not my fault.

It's isn't any of yours either, even for staying through those worst moments.  I thank you guys for sharing, it has helped me work through some disquieting thoughts and gotten me to smile again.

[lovenature]

Hey C1

There is no possible way for ANYONE who hasn't lived it to ever fathom it, best to talk to those of us who can really understand what you have been through. I know it is painful when loved one's don't get why you are feeling the way you do, but you know they care for you and can't understand why it is so painful for you.