what is the nature of abuse in BPD

[lpheal]

I was curious if anyone has experience with or has read about the nature of verbal or physical abuse in a person with BPD. An abuse counselor will say all abuse is about power and control. Is that also (and always) true in a person with BPD? Sometimes the driving force seems to be more fear, frustration or desperation.

This is a question I keep asking myself as I try to better understand my situation.

Thanks for reading.

[oshinko maki]

Yes, however unconscious it may be, I believe fear drives abusive BPD behavior. Fear of disapproval and abandonment mainly.
But you can see any destructive behavior, speech or thought as deriving from fear.
A feeling of power and control may be sought in order to mitigate fear and to lessen it by being abusive in trying to instill fear into the perceived threat instead, i.e., into you.
It is hard to stop that fear they instill in us though, at least for me.

 

[ortac77]

I am convinced that FEAR plays a very large part, it is fear that leads people to want to control the uncontrollable, I think that probably applies to all human beings at some level.

For the pwBPD I suppose abandonment is their primary fear accompanied by the need to make another responsible for their feelings, that leads to the abuse.

Abuse is frightening, it is also unacceptable. I have tolerated too much of it in the past - but now call it for what it is.

[Larmoyant]

I agree fear seems to play a big part in borderline abuse and reflects their inner pain. It doesn’t excuse their behaviour, but offers an explanation. They lack a known self and struggle with intense fears of abandonment and unresolved pain. It manifests in intimate relationships which they cannot handle so they lash out in abusive ways. Their emotions can overwhelm them and unregulated emotion along with fear/distrust generates rage arising from those abandonment fears. Not all pwBPD rage others are more passive aggressive but it’s painful for partners any which way. I was on the receiving end of such terrible rage from my ex, who was highly abusive, but this knowledge has helped me understand where it was coming from and helped me as I gradually detach from him. It really does help to depersonalise his actions. It wasn't really me he was raging at.