Chances of Suicide

[Marc33]

My uBPDw has told me that she has gone out to try to kill herself in the past.  I think that she only had thoughts but didn't do any actions. 
I got a phone call last week from a mentor of her's that she is close to saying that as the divorces proceeds and my wife starts to see that she is not getting what she wants that there is a chance that she may become suicidal. 
HELP!
I am not staying in this marriage and I am not letting her keep the kids but I don't want her to kill herself!

What can I do?

[rosesarered777]

I am currently going through a divorce and have not heard anything from her side in a month. I know it's almost the 3 month mark (since she has been separated and dating new guy!) so her disorder might kick in soon.

Do you think she will reconsider the divorce? ?

[Soulcrushed4]

I let my fear of my dBPDex actually killing himself after he engaged in a two week threat/attempt guilt me back in.

During the two weeks I had crisis lines call him and the non emergency line called with each threat for them to assess. Of course they would show up and he would claim he was fine and I was reading into things. That he was just hanging out watching the game or washing a car. He tried to turn it into a family law thing with me withholding our child. Every so often he'd then either take some pills or claim he drank rat poison or get arrested under the mental health act or check himself in and finally said he planned to leave a voicemail of him shooting himself for me and had his letters all written up on his email. Yet at the same time he was signing up for more hook up/dating sights. He had a few times prior threatened suicide when not getting his way but that was early on and having law enforcement do a wellness check the second time  curbed that particular threat for many years. He moved on to other ways to garner attention or meet his needs to avoid feeling/cope.

Perhaps give the mentor a number for the local cris line and let them know if your ex is suicidal to have the appropriate professionals intervene and assess.

[SamwizeGamgee]

I muse if there would be relief for anyone if your partner does commit suicide.
Marc33 - You can't live your wife's life.  I suspect that my wife will have the same inclination if I proceed with divorce.  I know it's scary and a serious possibility.  But, what are we actually responsible for?  Not her life choices.

[ForeverDad]

Over the years I've come to see threats or contemplation of suicide to be in one of two general categories.

• The person is in real need of mental health attention or intervention.
• The person is using such claims to get a response from you, to control you, to guilt you into compliance or to manipulate you.

While there have been some instances of actual suicide or determined attempts, of the person in evident emotional pain, my sense is that more cases discussed here fell into the second category, as some level of control or manipulation.

I let my fear of my dBPDex actually killing himself after he engaged in a two week threat/attempt guilt me back in.

During the two weeks I had crisis lines call him and the non emergency line called with each threat for them to assess. Of course they would show up and he would claim he was fine and I was reading into things... .He had a few times prior threatened suicide when not getting his way but that was early on and having law enforcement do a wellness check the second time curbed that particular threat for many years. He moved on to other ways to garner attention or meet his needs to avoid feeling/cope.

How to handle the almost predictable "I'm fine and don't know why I need a wellness check"?  If nothing was documented of the suicidal contemplations then it could end up as "he said, she said".  (Could be (1) Denial where the person doesn't want to admit saying that or (2) on the other hand it could be denied so the real reason, control attempt, remains hidden.)  So how to break the impasse?  While this may seem to be triggering, if you quietly record to document what actually happened, then when the responders arrive you can prove what actually happened.

In general we should not trust ourselves to decide which it is, a plea for help or a guilt/manipulation attempt.  Even if we ourselves were emergency responders or doctors, we are too close to be the ones to evaluate family or ex-family members.  Let the emergency responders and mental health experts step in.  As SoulCrushed4 wrote, a few wellness responses by professionals - and the costs - can reveal which it is and reduce the manipulative claims.

[Panda39]

Marc33,

If she threatens call the police to do a wellness check, do it every time.  If she is doing this to get you to engage with her... .she fails.  If she is genuine in her threat the police are the professionals that can get her the help she needs.

Panda39

[Soulcrushed4]

My ex was arrested under the mental health act and taken for assessment multiple times. Released pretty much straight away.
However it is a documented pattern of the threats and innuendos, a different story to emergency responders, then on different occasions ending up being taken in for supposed attempts via pills and rat poison shortly after claiming I was over reacting or "reading into" things or that he was supposedly taking about leaving town and not threatening suicide.