My BPD partner runs away from home

[zipper02]

I am engaged to a 30 year old man with BPD.  This is my first time on a message board, so I apologize for any mistakes.  My BPD partner will essentially run away from home.  He packs a suitcase and leaves when I am gone from the house.  He throws away all of his pictures and shared belongings.  He cuts up his bank card and cancels our accounts.  He throws away his house key and destroys any gifts I have given him.  He drives all night and then sends me nasty messages with demands of what I need to do for him now that his is gone.  For example: I need to do his taxes for him and send him the refund check to whatever address he will be staying at.  Yesterday he left for the third time.  The first time he left was 1.5 years ago and he was gone for 4 months.  When he came back he was only able to stay for two days and left again when I was at work for 3 months.  He came back and stayed put for 8 months.  We experienced a lot of trust issues due to the disappearing acts and he experienced a lot of financial stress because of his job history he created leaving so often.  These pressures were placed on top of his untreated BPD.  He is a high functioning BPD.  Other people at work have no idea his anger issues.  Yesterday, things escalated very quickly because I was so sensitive from walking on his eggshells that I was defensive and aggressive with my words.  I tried to keep him from leaving because it destroys everything- his job,our finances, home security, pets, etc. I wanted to feel relief that I am finally off the rollercoaster and the eggshells, but I only feel a profound loss.  I guess my question is does anyone else have a partner with BPD with this extreme of a flight response?  And if so, how do you deal with it?  I want to reach out to him, to tell him I still love him and everything is okay, but I can't take responsibility for his actions.  I am afraid I have enabled this flight response by always taking away the consequences of him leaving.

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[Meili]

I'm sorry that you have to deal with that strange behavior. My exwife ran away from home twice. The second time, I didn't ask her to come back, but had she asked, I probably would have allowed it. Back then, I had no idea what was going on or how things had gotten to the point that they had.

Where are you at with everything today?

[icesoul]

I'm sorry that you have to deal with that strange behavior. My exwife ran away from home twice. The second time, I didn't ask her to come back, but had she asked, I probably would have allowed it. Back then, I had no idea what was going on or how things had gotten to the point that they had.

Where are you at with everything today?

how u get her to comeback. mine is with replacement, refused to return. she has 3 kids and one on the way.

[Meili]

How did I get her to come back when we were still married?

At the time I didn't know it, but I was starting to use the tools taught here. After she ran off, things didn't go quite how she planned and reached out to me. I slowed down and listened to what she was telling me. Basically, I was starting to learn to listen with empathy. It was easier for me than when we lived together because I wasn't the focus for her feelings at that point.

I was also starting to learn to not invalidate her. Again, this was easier because the accusations and attacks were not directed toward me.

When she moved back, however, I stopped doing those things as I began to JADE (justify, argue, defend, explain). I went right back to invalidating her feelings, and stopped listening with empathy as I prepared to defend myself against the next attack. The old habits and lessons that I had learned in life came back in full force because I knew no better. All of the raging and fighting resumed. She finally left again with my replacement.

Fast forward 10 years... .She has spent the past decade telling people what a horrible monster I was. She had split me black and I remained that way for a decade. We recently reconnected and I've learned a lot since then. I'm her friend now and she no longer thinks the things about me that she has in the past. She now sees me as a sweet, caring person. We've even talked about wondering if we could get back together and make it work at this point.