Evaluating My Needs

[vortex of confusion]

I have been thinking a lot about my needs lately so I can better identify how to meet them.

I am reviewing Maslow's Hierarcy www.simplypsychology.org/maslow.html because I am trying to figure out what I need to address so I can move from surviving to thriving.

In looking at it, I can see that my most basic needs were not being met in my relationship with ex. I was not getting adequate rest and I did not feel safe. I was running on empty trying to keep up with 4 kids. Ex was not helping me get the rest that I needed. Since he left, I have been able to get the kids on a better schedule and I am actually able to get regular sleep. That alone has helped me to function better.

I didn't feel safe because I never knew when there was going to be a melt down from him or the kids. I didn't feel emotionally safe at all.

I think I have a grip on those things a little better. I feel much safer now because I am getting the space to think and not have him lurking in every corner wanting to know what I was doing.

I have some friends. I need to work on that more.

I am stuck at the esteem needs. I want to feel like I am accomplishing something. One of the things that I keep thinking is that I want to feel acknowledged. One of the things that led to me feeling unsafe in my home was the fact that I didn't feel acknowledged. There were times when I almost felt like a non-entity that was only here to take care of others. Ex tended to treat me that way and the kids picked up on it to a degree.

I went on a job interview the other day and it felt really good to be heard and acknowledged. I have spent years being a stay at home mom. Even though I did that, I still kept one foot in the work world by working online from home and getting a part time job outside of the house in more recent years. I have felt like none of that was acknowledged. Through all of this, I don't feel like anyone is acknowledging what I am doing and trying to do.

I know that I need to find a way to validate and acknowledge myself. I am not sure how to do this. I struggle with staying strong some days especially when people ask me why I am not doing more or why I am taking so long with some of this stuff. It is like they are not acknowledging who I am. I am not a vindictive person. I have no reason to be afraid of ex. He is out of the house now so I don't feel the need to do anything hasty. I am trying to become stronger and more level headed so that when I do go to court I can make the best decisions possible for the kids without regard to what other people say I "should" be doing.

One of the other things that has me feeling a bit unacknowledged is that it seems like I am the one that does most of the reaching out. It feels like people forget me unless I call or text them. I don't know how accurate that is. That is how I feel. Sometimes, I just want a friendly ear. There are days when I feel really lonely and just want to hear a friendly voice.

I called one of my siblings because we hadn't talked in a while and he said that he had been busy. I don't hear from my mom for a while so I call her and she will stay stuff like, "I thought about calling you but I wasn't sure what you were doing." I know that a lot of these feelings are left over from all the times that I tried to reach out to ex and he wasn't there. I know that these feelings are a hold over from the fact that if I needed ex he was busy or wasn't there. If he needs me, I am supposed to respond immediately. I just want somebody to see me and hear me and acknowledge how difficult this has been for me. I am not sure what to do with these feelings or how to get this need met.

Does anybody have any ideas or words of wisdom?

[valet]

Let me be blunt: no one in this world can fully validate your existence or your perception of the human condition. Sometimes life sucks, and sometimes it's great. Sometimes, also, it's just somewhere in between.

So what are those feelings that are telling you that you need this special kind of support, and more importantly, what do they mean?

Remember, there are no quick fixes. If you're just looking for external comfort here, realize that it can only be temporary. Internal comfort, however, is the solution. Work on giving yourself that.

[FallBack!Monster]

am reviewing Maslow's Hierarcy www.simplypsychology.org/maslow.html because I am trying to figure out what I need to address so I can move from surviving to thriving.

Maybe not but sounds like you're giving yourself a time frame to heal. I'm letting the universe take care of me for me, along with me.
[/Quote]

In looking at it, I can see that my most basic needs were not being met in my relationship with ex. I was not getting adequate rest and I did not feel safe. I was running on empty trying to keep up with 4 kids. Ex was not helping me get the rest that I needed.

with all due respect, it wasn't exs job to help you with that. Some things you just have to take. 

I have some friends. I need to work on that more.

I second that. Although I'm okay with the old ones.

I am stuck at the esteem needs. I want to feel like I am accomplishing something. One of the things that I keep thinking is that I want to feel acknowledged. One of the things that led to me feeling unsafe in my home was the fact that I didn't feel acknowledged. There were times when I almost felt like a non-entity that was only here to take care of others. Ex tended to treat me that way and the kids picked up on it to a degree.

I went on a job interview the other day and it felt really good to be heard and acknowledged.

I can understand how after what you've been through... .Acknowledgment would make anyone feel great. However do not let anybody's opinion of you define you in any way shape or form.

II have felt like none of that was acknowledged. Through all of this, I don't feel like anyone is acknowledging what I am doing and trying to do.

People do hear but sometimes we just don't notice it.  But they do. However Don't expect them to. Do your thing. Work on thriving like you said and they will notice you.

One of the other things that has me feeling a bit unacknowledged is that it seems like I am the one that does most of the reaching out. It feels like people forget me unless I call or text them. I don't know how accurate that is. That is how I feel. Sometimes, I just want a friendly ear. There are days when I feel really lonely and just want to hear a friendly voice.

Idk about you but when I'm going through something, I stop calling people and sometimes ignore calls and don't necessarily acknowledge text right away. Bc I'm going through something and don't have anything to say or just don't feel like being bothered with it. I did it during my ex-perience. But I've done it for years, whenever I'm going through something. As a consequence people stop reaching out to me first. At least one day I noticed, it was I who did it first. Now, I feel less unacknowledged when it happens to me. It's expected. So I usually have to start back calling people so they  know I'm available.

I am not sure what to do with these feelings or how to get this need met.

You will.

[vortex of confusion]

Let me be blunt: no one in this world can fully validate your existence or your perception of the human condition. Sometimes life sucks, and sometimes it's great. Sometimes, also, it's just somewhere in between.

I am not looking for someone to validate my existence. I think this post stems from exploring the feelings I had as a result of some of the things that ex did. He said and did some things that had me feeling like I wasn't even worthy of basic respect.

When my grandma passed away, he was texting me about his plans to go out with some other woman.
He told another man, "Sure, you can do whatever you want with my wife. You will enjoy it. You won't regret it."
He sat next to me and looked at a picture of another guy and told me to go be with that guy. He said it in all seriousness. It wasn't said ironically or meanly. He genuinely wanted me to go be with another guy and come home and tell him about it.

When ex lived here, it felt like I didn't exist as a person. I was not treated like a person nor was I allowed to be one. I was his play thing. He was happy as long as I didn't make waves and as long as I went along with what he wanted.

So what are those feelings that are telling you that you need this special kind of support, and more importantly, what do they mean?

The feelings that are telling me that I need this special kind of support stem from the feelings of rejection that I felt while with ex. Whenever I would try to talk to him and share my feelings with him, he would tell me that I was wrong for feeling my feelings. When I felt rejected when I would wake up to him looking at porn and pleasuring himself, he told me that he was doing it to be nice to me. I was asleep and he didn't want to wake me up. Forget the fact that I had asked him to wake me up. There were so many little things that he did that left me feeling like I didn't exist and that I didn't matter.

Remember, there are no quick fixes. If you're just looking for external comfort here, realize that it can only be temporary. Internal comfort, however, is the solution. Work on giving yourself that.

I am trying to gather strength. I comfort myself most of the time. I feel like an expert at that. The times when I want/need external comfort are the times when I am struggling to comfort myself in moments of weakness.

[vortex of confusion]

Maybe not but sounds like you're giving yourself a time frame to heal. I'm letting the universe take care of me for me, along with me.

I am trying to rush my healing. I have 4 kids that are counting on me.

with all due respect, it wasn't exs job to help you with that. Some things you just have to take. 

No, it was ex's job to help me with the kids. He and I made a decision to have our kids together. He was not fulfilling his responsibility as a parent. Resting when there are 4 kids to care for requires a little bit of help from time to time. I don't think it is too much to ask a dad to put his kids to bed from time to time.

Ex couldn't watch the kids so I could do wholesome things like sleep or do stuff with family or friends but he could watch the kids so I could go be with some other guy and come home and tell him about it. I am not going to justify or explain my actions. I was in a bad place so I did what was easy. I didn't stand up for myself and I didn't take what I needed. His needs trumped mine and I was too tired to argue. 

I second that. Although I'm okay with the old ones.

I have friends. I have lost touch with a lot of them because I was isolated. I retreated and went into hiding for a bit. I tried to go out on a mom's night out one time and ex made such a fuss about it and told me when to be home so I didn't go any more. I am slowly reaching out to more of them. They have kids and are busy too. It is taking time and I am being impatient with myself.

[vortex of confusion]

I have been thinking about this some more and had a few questions and thoughts. 

I think I know the answers but want to be sure that my thinking isn't too far off.

First, I think part of the reason that I let things get so weird with ex was because I made excuses for his behavior. It was my job to validate myself, not his. If I needed something and he couldn't give it to me, it was my job to go somewhere else. I tried to do all of those things for myself. Eventually, it wore me down.

Is it normal to need some kind of external acknowledgement? Is it normal for me to have wanted ex to help me? Is it normal for me to not want to be alone and want to be in relationships where people listen to me or hear me? I think those things are pretty normal. What is the point of being in a relationship if I am not being treated with dignity and respect? What is the point of being in a relationship if the person I am with isn't going to acknowledge me during those times when I need it most.

Maybe this would be a better question for the dating forum: I find myself wondering if it is okay to want to be acknowledged by a partner. That seems like a silly question to ask because what is the point of being in a relationship if your partner continually dismisses you and ignores you and then tells you it is because they are being nice. I guess my question is how much is okay and how much isn't. Where is the balance?

[vortex of confusion]

I was reading on another thread and was reminded of something that ex did that contributed to me feeling unacknowledged. He would do this on occasion and it felt really horrible. As I think about it, I don't know that I need built up as much as I need to not be torn down.

Ex needed some dental work done. Every time he went on his own, his blood pressure was too high and they wouldn't do it. I got frustrated and went with him like I would a child. He got his dental work done.

He had no money and I had a credit account with the dentist so I paid for it with my credit card.

Later on, he was talking to me about how good it felt to be out of pain and how he was so worried about what he was going to do and how he prayed about it and God took care of it. I was like, "Excuse me? I took you to the dentist. I held your hand. And I paid for it? Where is my acknowledgement?" His response was something along the lines of, "Oh, well, God took care of me through you."

I didn't choose to do those things because I wanted recognition. I chose to do those things for him because he was in pain and I knew it was making it difficult for him to search for jobs and function. I did it because I thought it was the right thing to do. So, I was hurt when he talked about my help as though I didn't exist and that it wasn't a choice that I made. He talked about it as though it was something that he got because he prayed hard enough. I had no role in any of it. I was just God's conduit.