Is She suffering Codependency OR Borderline OR Both?

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Hi Guys!

I would love if you could read my story below and tell me if you believe that my EX GF is affected by Borderline Syndrome OR by Codependency or both.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=304856.0

The reason because I am asking this question is because she admitted to be in therapy with a Doctor, that she was not crazy but just suffering of Codependency.

I know BSD can be VERY manipulative and they can play this kind of mirroring / projection games but I would like to know your feedback about it.

If she is BSD I would rather run away but if she is "just" suffering of Codependency, then I would go back to her...

[stevelover84]

Hi Guys!

I would love if you could read my story below and tell me if you believe that my EX GF is affected by Borderline Syndrome OR by Codependency or both.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=304856.0

The reason because I am asking this question is because she admitted to be in therapy with a Doctor, that she was not crazy but just suffering of Codependency.

I know BSD can be VERY manipulative and they can play this kind of mirroring / projection games but I would like to know your feedback about it.

If she is BSD I would rather run away but if she is "just" suffering of Codependency, then I would go back to her...

[Tattered Heart]

My uBPDh shows quite a few co-dependent traits as well as BPD traits. It changes with the situation. When he is around someone who is emotionally unbalanced, he turns co-dependent and tries to fix the situation, fix them, walks on egg shells, etc. But when he is the one emotionally unbalanced he rages like a pwBPD.

[iluminati]

It can be a little bit from column A, a little bit from column B.  BPD and Codependency aren't co-morbid, nor are they mutually exclusive. 

[stevelover84]

It can be a little bit from column A, a little bit from column B.  BPD and Codependency aren't co-morbid, nor are they mutually exclusive. 

Thanks so much for your valuable comment.

The main issue is that if she is suffering of "just" co-dependency and fear of abandonment, there is no reason for me to leave. Otherwise, if she is mental ill (BPD), then it is better to leave it as I do not want to fall into the roller coaster again and again... .

We met each other in Autumn, she started by saying that she went into therapy because she wanted not to rescue the relationship but to understand what was going wrong with her... .She had an hysteric attack in the car so she wanted to understand better this reaction...

According to my EX GF... .The Doctors said:

- We are not compatible because I need a lot of attention and love, to be in the center as I had during childhood and she cannot give me those emotions because her life is extremely complicated and difficult... .
- She had probably some kind o depression because of her Mental Sick Mother, new job, stressful job, responsibilities, etc.
- She suffer of co-dependency and she has to start to say NO and follow also her wishes and needs (Which is the true as she did everything what I wanted for more than 1 year)
- She should focus more on herself etc.
- She admitted to suffer of fear of abandonment;

I asked If she has BSD personality or profile... .she did not say anything and she changed the topic. I will never know if the Doctor detected it or not... .What she told me is that she is a strong woman with NO mental problems but with some particular behaviours.

Now she is in this kind of love and hate,,,. She said she just want to focus on her health and job. No space for guys... .

The fact that maybe she is NOT BSD does not let me close the book... .What do you suggest me to do?

[Lockjaw]

If she is codependent, than you need to be BP or NPD, or something similar if you ask me. She appears BP to me.

The big red flag for me is all the guy friends you talked about. I'd need more details. No interest in someone who is promiscious. I'd run and hide from that.

[stevelover84]

If she is codependent, than you need to be BP or NPD, or something similar if you ask me. She appears BP to me.

The big red flag for me is all the guy friends you talked about. I'd need more details. No interest in someone who is promiscious. I'd run and hide from that.

Well, I want to make something clear. I seriously believe she is not promiscious. She used to tell me everything about her past in a very proper logical (probably true) way. She could remember all details from the childhood.

Note about Sexuality: She admitted me that sex has never been so crazy like with me. I could feel it, at the begin we had problems but after months, intimacy was perfect. I never had such compatibility in my life. The same for her.

Boyfriend 1 (18 to 21 years old): 3 Years Relationship. He was her first friend, she was not really in love but she could trust him and they have a good time together.
END: Because the BF has an affair.
Boyfriend 2 (22 to 27 years old): 5 Years Relationship with a guy with homosexual tendances, low self esteem but good looking.
END: Because this guy wanted kids, get married, etc etc and she was not ready.
Boyfriend 3 (29 to 32 years old): 3 Years Relationship. Good looking guy, they came together after speaking for 1 year... .
END: Same pattern as my story. Mother was sick, she moved to the parents house, one night she had a fear of abandonment attack, the guy could not fly to her place, she left him. Then they tried for another 6 months to stay together but it did not work.

Those are the official relationship.

About other guys:
- A lot of male colleagues, she is beatiful, ex top model, now med doctor, she was very manipulative. Restaurants, support, help, advices etc.

- Old Colleagues and patients: She always told me that old guys can give her the best, all what she needs (attention, care, etc.)

- Rich / Successful mens: For restaurant, Ferrari, Trips, etc.

I believe she did not sleep with those above, I am quite sure about this as she was very conservative with sexuality (even with me at the begin it was not easy... .).  She told me that she was famous at the University for playing around, get meals, drinks, etc. but not giving anything in exchange, only a good company.

Something VERY interesting: A bit before the end of the relationship with BF 1 she started to interact with BF2. Same with BF 2 and BF 3. After she broke with BF 3, she had a "very good friend" around, he was completely in friendzone, very helpful, supportive, etc... .She said that he was just a normal friend and that she has to break the connection because he wanted more and more.

I am BF4, during the last year, she has a 60  colleague completely addicted (I called him Slave... .)... .He was supporting her during her daily suffering with the mother etc. So again no sexual interraction, only "use".

[stevelover84]

I am not  BP or NPD, I am just very self confident, dominant and I need a lot of attention... .She told me she was doing completely what I wanted and that she should start to think about herself. This is what her Doctor told her.

Well, I want to make something clear. I seriously believe she is not promiscious. She used to tell me everything about her past in a very proper logical (probably true) way. She could remember all details from the childhood.

Note about Sexuality: She admitted me that sex has never been so crazy like with me. I could feel it, at the begin we had problems but after months, intimacy was perfect. I never had such compatibility in my life. The same for her.

Boyfriend 1 (18 to 21 years old): 3 Years Relationship. He was her first friend, she was not really in love but she could trust him and they have a good time together.
END: Because the BF has an affair.
Boyfriend 2 (22 to 27 years old): 5 Years Relationship with a guy with homosexual tendances, low self esteem but good looking.
END: Because this guy wanted kids, get married, etc etc and she was not ready.
Boyfriend 3 (29 to 32 years old): 3 Years Relationship. Good looking guy, they came together after speaking for 1 year... .
END: Same pattern as my story. Mother was sick, she moved to the parents house, one night she had a fear of abandonment attack, the guy could not fly to her place, she left him. Then they tried for another 6 months to stay together but it did not work.

Those are the official relationship.

About other guys:
- A lot of male colleagues, she is beatiful, ex top model, now med doctor, she was very manipulative. Restaurants, support, help, advices etc.

- Old Colleagues and patients: She always told me that old guys can give her the best, all what she needs (attention, care, etc.)

- Rich / Successful mens: For restaurant, Ferrari, Trips, etc.

I believe she did not sleep with those above, I am quite sure about this as she was very conservative with sexuality (even with me at the begin it was not easy... .).  She told me that she was famous at the University for playing around, get meals, drinks, etc. but not giving anything in exchange, only a good company.

Something VERY interesting: A bit before the end of the relationship with BF 1 she started to interact with BF2. Same with BF 2 and BF 3. After she broke with BF 3, she had a "very good friend" around, he was completely in friendzone, very helpful, supportive, etc... .She said that he was just a normal friend and that she has to break the connection because he wanted more and more.

I am BF4, during the last year, she has a 60  colleague completely addicted (I called him Slave... .)... .He was supporting her during her daily suffering with the mother etc. So again no sexual interraction, only "use".

[stevelover84]

If she is codependent, than you need to be BP or NPD, or something similar if you ask me. She appears BP to me.

The big red flag for me is all the guy friends you talked about. I'd need more details. No interest in someone who is promiscious. I'd run and hide from that.

There is something I wanted to mention here which is the fact that during our relationship, she used to meet old successful guys on the business trip. They had nice talks, they exchanged the phone numbers and after they were completing falling in love she used to block them everywhere (Email, SMS, etc.).

[Lockjaw]

That kind of behavior is still not what someone would do in a committed relationship. I don't give out my number, and to the best of my knowledge, neither does my GF.

That would be a deal breaker for me. I am sure my GF would be unhappy if I did that. 

[stevelover84]

That kind of behavior is still not what someone would do in a committed relationship. I don't give out my number, and to the best of my knowledge, neither does my GF.

That would be a deal breaker for me. I am sure my GF would be unhappy if I did that. 

Hi,

I just had a 5 hours session with my EX GF.

I went to her house and her parents were extremely nice to me (even considering that the mother is mental ill).

I am extremely confused. We spoke again about everything, from the very begin. I have to admit that a few things were correct, others were just

bull___.



BIG POINTS:

- She did not ask anything about my business, life, family nothing. She even told me I should take all my things from the basement asap because she

closed the contract of the appartment (it has been 6 months I should have already taken the stuff).
The only question was "What did you learn during the last 6 months? She also asked what I have in mind for my future.

- Another VERY important point of discussion was the fact the her parents are both very ill and that I should support all the times until their last

day of life. I told her this is NOT health and correct because we should keep our relationship as a happy island.

A few other points:

- Looked to me a little bit bipolar. On the one side, she was emotional, on the other side aggressive.
- Even told me I have narcisist tendences and that because of that, she was becoming codependent.
- Was complaining about myself and the fact that I have to act like a real man.
- Was telling me many times that she does not feel good and that she need a recovery time.
- Telling me I cannot fullfit all her needs.
- Telling me she still feel love but love is not enough for a mature relationship.

I cannot tell myself if I should stay or if I should go... .Is she BPD or not... .