Not sure where to begin.

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

I don't know where to begin with this, the ongoing story spans a six year period. It's going to be very difficult for me to anonymise this so that I am not identifiable. In many regards I am not certain what I should say because the more I vocalise the situation, the more I realise that I should have dealt with removing this person from my life a long time ago. There are times I catch myself laughing at how absurd it really is.

I am in my mid twenties, the woman (let's call her Helen) (Who I wholeheartedly believe has BPD) is about to head into her fifties. We are separated by an ocean, in the six years we have had the insane highs of love, the crushing depths of hatred. We have spent around five months of this relationship in person together. Just typing that makes me realise how foolish it is, yet I am still here. I have gone back on so many of my own personal limits, ultimately I have always bent and folded. Whereas with other relationships in my life, I stick with my red-lines, in prior relationships I did not renege on my principles. In prior relationships I was accepting that they were over, because they were.

I can't help but feel as though my own understanding of what a relationship has been warped beyond all recognition by this six year period of my life. I am trying to slowly build myself up, connect with friends, family, develop myself as a person, really understanding myself as a person- what I want, why I am trapped in this never ending cycle of leaving-staying-leaving-staying. I have had other relationships during this period, one of which was notable, I moved in with the girl and spent two years with her, before the woman flew over, collected me and took me back to her country. I was in a terrible state and I desperately needed taking out of the situation I found myself stuck in. During the entirety of the two years I was with that girl, I never gave myself to her, I was always wrapped up in Helen. We'd communicate through email. I did my best to completely cut ties with the woman but it was near impossible due to the emails I'd receive, they would switch between complete adoration, to complete and utter hatred, to indifference. There are times I would give in and contact her back. The reason I'd met and moved in with the girl was because after coming to visit me, Helen had spent several months lying to me about getting divorced, she continually strung me along in order to hedge her bets with the relatively stable life she had. At the end of one month I gave her a very clear ultimatum- file the divorce so that we can plan our future together, or I will leave. She didn't do this, nor had she the hundred times before. I cut contact, after a while I met the girl I eventually moved in with. We spent some time dating and an offer came up that we couldn't refuse, so I moved city. During this dating period me and Helen had contact, not excessive contact, but contact none the less. I was clear with her what I was doing, my plans, and why. She naturally went from begging me not to go, to telling me it was the best thing for me, to telling me that I never loved her anyway. The whole spectrum, an emotional bombardment. Even back then this was a person I loved tremendously. None the less due to several circumstances, I moved in with the girl.

The relationship was great during the dating period, however once we moved in, things changed. I'd left a relatively good job behind, and struggled to get myself planted within the new environment. I have a couple of mental health issues myself, that fell by the wayside until late 2015/early 2016. It wasn't good, home life was bad, neither me nor the girl I'd moved in with got the help that we needed to be happier in both ourselves and one another, during the entire period I had Helen in the background also playing a role in my life. Eventually it culminated with me having no way to escape (No way to move out to a place of my own, no family, friends able to take me), Helen flew over, and took me home with her. I stayed there for four months before returning back here.

In the past year I have learned a tremendous amount about myself, I am also in a very good position to move forward with my future, I cut myself a break so to speak.

Mine and Helen's relationship has been very chequered, and I am struggling to find reasons to continue with it, yet I get drawn in repeatedly, as mentioned above my principles and boundaries eventually fold.

I don't really know how to describe everything that is going on and that has been going on. I'd like to talk about it, though, I am not sure who with. The more I read about BPD the more I realise it is far too much for me to cope with. On the subject of BPD- I first mentioned it to her after learning about the condition due to a friend of mine having it, there were a tremendous amount of similarities with Helen's behaviour and the condition. I brought it up with her, she immediately hit the roof, saying that it is simply the clinical definition of an ass, that I must absolutely hate her, that her mother has it and that there is no way at all she has it because she's nothing like her mother. She went off at me quite considerably, I opted to not mention it again due to the reaction it provoked. On occasion, when Helen found herself succeeding within her personal life such as her intermittent friendships, she would make a point of saying that there is no way she has BPD because she is only like this with me, and that I must have the condition. There was a time in mid 2016 where she told me she believed that she had the condition, and that she wanted help working out what to do. I helped her find local services yet she skipped the appointment she'd set up, and took a complete 180 on the subject when she started feeling better. Since then it is back to the sporadic informing me that it must be me, not her. I no longer press the issue, nor should I. I completely understand that if she is ever going to get help, it will be off her own back.

Every time I make an attempt to leave, or she makes an attempt to leave this relationship, it devolves into the cycle of emails. Extreme hate, extreme love, declarations that she will be flying over to see me immediately because I won't reply, she'll tell me she's moving on, she'll insist that I never loved her. She'll call me all sorts of names. She does calm down, then she tells me she is sorry, that she only said it because she was hurt, that she wants to be with me. Eventually, as proven time and time again, I cave. I will say that I am not blameless, I have played upon how she reacts at times, I have also mirrored her reactions in an attempt to get her to see how absurd they are. I try to rationalise with her, I feel as though I can't talk to her about the past without her revisionism being a massive factor in prompting arguments. If she does something that is not acceptable and she realises it, she always brings up the past as a justification "You did this/that." I ask when, and it'll turn out it happened years ago. I do my absolute utmost to avoid using this tactic myself, I try to be as understanding as possible and see situations (both past and present) from as many sides as I can.

Honestly I'm not really certain what I am supposed to write in this introductory post, there is so much ground to cover and I don't know where to begin. I need help and support of my own to remove someone who plays a large role (both positive and negative) in my life.

[ThoroughlyTorn]

I don't know where to begin with this, the ongoing story spans a six year period. It's going to be very difficult for me to anonymise this so that I am not identifiable. In many regards I am not certain what I should say because the more I vocalise the situation, the more I realise that I should have dealt with removing this person from my life a long time ago. There are times I catch myself laughing at how absurd it really is.

I am in my mid twenties, the woman (let's call her Helen) (Who I wholeheartedly believe has BPD) is about to head into her fifties. We are separated by an ocean, in the six years we have had the insane highs of love, the crushing depths of hatred. We have spent around five months of this relationship in person together. Just typing that makes me realise how foolish it is, yet I am still here. I have gone back on so many of my own personal limits, ultimately I have always bent and folded. Whereas with other relationships in my life, I stick with my red-lines, in prior relationships I did not renege on my principles. In prior relationships I was accepting that they were over, because they were.

I can't help but feel as though my own understanding of what a relationship has been warped beyond all recognition by this six year period of my life. I am trying to slowly build myself up, connect with friends, family, develop myself as a person, really understanding myself as a person- what I want, why I am trapped in this never ending cycle of leaving-staying-leaving-staying. I have had other relationships during this period, one of which was notable, I moved in with the girl and spent two years with her, before the woman flew over, collected me and took me back to her country. I was in a terrible state and I desperately needed taking out of the situation I found myself stuck in. During the entirety of the two years I was with that girl, I never gave myself to her, I was always wrapped up in Helen. We'd communicate through email. I did my best to completely cut ties with the woman but it was near impossible due to the emails I'd receive, they would switch between complete adoration, to complete and utter hatred, to indifference. There are times I would give in and contact her back. The reason I'd met and moved in with the girl was because after coming to visit me, Helen had spent several months lying to me about getting divorced, she continually strung me along in order to hedge her bets with the relatively stable life she had. At the end of one month I gave her a very clear ultimatum- file the divorce so that we can plan our future together, or I will leave. She didn't do this, nor had she the hundred times before. I cut contact, after a while I met the girl I eventually moved in with. We spent some time dating and an offer came up that we couldn't refuse, so I moved city. During this dating period me and Helen had contact, not excessive contact, but contact none the less. I was clear with her what I was doing, my plans, and why. She naturally went from begging me not to go, to telling me it was the best thing for me, to telling me that I never loved her anyway. The whole spectrum, an emotional bombardment. Even back then this was a person I loved tremendously. None the less due to several circumstances, I moved in with the girl.

The relationship was great during the dating period, however once we moved in, things changed. I'd left a relatively good job behind, and struggled to get myself planted within the new environment. I have a couple of mental health issues myself, that fell by the wayside until late 2015/early 2016. It wasn't good, home life was bad, neither me nor the girl I'd moved in with got the help that we needed to be happier in both ourselves and one another, during the entire period I had Helen in the background also playing a role in my life. Eventually it culminated with me having no way to escape (No way to move out to a place of my own, no family, friends able to take me), Helen flew over, and took me home with her. I stayed there for four months before returning back here.

In the past year I have learned a tremendous amount about myself, I am also in a very good position to move forward with my future, I cut myself a break so to speak.

Mine and Helen's relationship has been very chequered, and I am struggling to find reasons to continue with it, yet I get drawn in repeatedly, as mentioned above my principles and boundaries eventually fold.

I don't really know how to describe everything that is going on and that has been going on. I'd like to talk about it, though, I am not sure who with. The more I read about BPD the more I realise it is far too much for me to cope with. On the subject of BPD- I first mentioned it to her after learning about the condition due to a friend of mine having it, there were a tremendous amount of similarities with Helen's behaviour and the condition. I brought it up with her, she immediately hit the roof, saying that it is simply the clinical definition of an ass, that I must absolutely hate her, that her mother has it and that there is no way at all she has it because she's nothing like her mother. She went off at me quite considerably, I opted to not mention it again due to the reaction it provoked. On occasion, when Helen found herself succeeding within her personal life such as her intermittent friendships, she would make a point of saying that there is no way she has BPD because she is only like this with me, and that I must have the condition. There was a time in mid 2016 where she told me she believed that she had the condition, and that she wanted help working out what to do. I helped her find local services yet she skipped the appointment she'd set up, and took a complete 180 on the subject when she started feeling better. Since then it is back to the sporadic informing me that it must be me, not her. I no longer press the issue, nor should I. I completely understand that if she is ever going to get help, it will be off her own back.

Every time I make an attempt to leave, or she makes an attempt to leave this relationship, it devolves into the cycle of emails. Extreme hate, extreme love, declarations that she will be flying over to see me immediately because I won't reply, she'll tell me she's moving on, she'll insist that I never loved her. She'll call me all sorts of names. She does calm down, then she tells me she is sorry, that she only said it because she was hurt, that she wants to be with me. Eventually, as proven time and time again, I cave. I will say that I am not blameless, I have played upon how she reacts at times, I have also mirrored her reactions in an attempt to get her to see how absurd they are. I try to rationalise with her, I feel as though I can't talk to her about the past without her revisionism being a massive factor in prompting arguments. If she does something that is not acceptable and she realises it, she always brings up the past as a justification "You did this/that." I ask when, and it'll turn out it happened years ago. I do my absolute utmost to avoid using this tactic myself, I try to be as understanding as possible and see situations (both past and present) from as many sides as I can.

Honestly I'm not really certain what I am supposed to write in this introductory post, there is so much ground to cover and I don't know where to begin. I need help and support of my own to remove someone who plays a large role (both positive and negative) in my life.

[Naughty Nibbler]

Welcome ThoroughlyTorn:   

  The more I read about BPD the more I realize it is far too much for me to cope with. . .

In the past year I have learned a tremendous amount about myself, I am also in a very good position to move forward with my future, I cut myself a break so to speak.

Sounds like some logic for putting Helen (fake name) behind you.  If you haven't already, perhaps you might want to make a pro and con list for maintaining a relationship with Helen.

I am in my mid twenties, the woman (let's call her Helen) (Who I wholeheartedly believe has BPD) is about to head into her fifties. We are separated by an ocean, in the six years we have had the insane highs of love, the crushing depths of hatred. We have spent around five months of this relationship in person together.   

If I'm understanding correctly, Helen is married and is approx. 25 years older than you and appears to have BPD.  Do you want children?  When you are 50, she will be 75.  Do you enjoy the same music, movies and other things?  What are the reasons for continuing the relationship?

I have had other relationships during this period, one of which was notable, I moved in with the girl and spent two years with her.  During the entirety of the two years I was with that girl, I never gave myself to her, I was always wrapped up in Helen.   

How did you see your relationship with the girl you lived with for two years?  Were you just roommates?  Did you ever think there was a chance for a future with her?

Mine and Helen's relationship has been very chequered, and I am struggling to find reasons to continue with it, yet I get drawn in repeatedly, as mentioned above my principles and boundaries eventually fold.   

I have gone back on so many of my own personal limits, ultimately I have always bent and folded. Whereas with other relationships in my life, I stick with my red-lines, in prior relationships I did not renege on my principles. In prior relationships I was accepting that they were over, because they were.

Have you thought about exploring your situation in therapy?  Might you be addicted to drama?  Is it her money? 

How is your relationship with your parents?