My wife had this fear or paranoia that someone could harm our daughter at all times. We all have that fear that our kid could get hurt or worse in the care of others but not to the extent she seemed to look at it. You could tell in the future it would be difficult to convince her to let our daughter in daycare/school.
My Ex was very paranoid too. Actually, I felt she was more Paranoid PD (fit every trait) than Borderline PD. It was her and 'her' son against the world, friends, family, eventually even me. Don't take him outside or he'll get taken by abductors lurking in the bushes. And after assorted news stories... .Don't take him to the grocery store because he'll be abused in the aisles by exhibitionists. Don't put him in daycare because babies die in cribs there. Don't send him to public school because a teacher's aide will abuse him. And so on. When I saw her looking at me cross-eyed, trying to make herself suspicious, I knew The End was approaching. Sure enough, within a few months our marriage imploded with a call to 911.
When she held my daughter in her arms and was hitting me is when the straw broke the camel's back. I'd walked away and sometimes would leave to my parents house. They lived around the corner but she would say, "Yeah go ahead and leave. Tell your Dad he raised a pussy." Why am I pussy? Because I won't hit you back and engage in the heated argument/confrontation.
Yes, you as a man can't risk giving in to the taunting and dares, the legal repercussions can be immense. Even a woman claiming without proof to have been hit, punched, shoved, pushed or whatever can put the man in jail overnight or for the weekend and perhaps even facing a restraining/protection order.
The middle sister... .comes in running first and tells me she wants to make sure I hear the truth. She knew how my wife could lie and manipulate others especially me. She tells me that my wife was in a car with another man and when they approached the car it tried to drive away. So she jumped in front of it and told my wife to get out. The man in the car says he is just a friend and doesn't want trouble... .
Her own family would tell me how I need to go for custody of my daughter and that I have her much more. The problem is I can't financially and that would mean I'd have to work even more.
I get the impression your SIL is a relatively normal person? Sounds like you may have some sincere supporters among the relatives, well, except for her mother of course.
To a certain extent, forget the financial limitations. Your daughter needs YOU as the stable parent taking the lead in her life and caregiving. Many of your in-laws sound like sensible supportive persons, if you had to work more then I would hope they'd step in to assist as part-time caregivers. After all, once she is old enough for school, that will lessen the time obligations.
Next I ask her to unlock her phone and let me see her recent texts. She tells me no which I was confused by since I let her go through my phone anytime. She tells me, "That's you not me." I'm like what the heck if you have nothing to hide then show me.
Yes, she makes rules for you but doesn't have to follow them herself. That's absurd but many here faced that for years, often starting small and increasing over time. You say yes, she says no, guess what the result is. That's unhealthy and dysfunctional, as so much in in this relationship.
I ask well then do counseling at your church. She says because she is a Jehovah witness she can't.
False. I know from personal experience that elders from congregations of Jehovah's Witnesses can and do provide counsel, however they limit it as much as possible to principles and guidelines from the Bible itself. They're not to say "I think... .{whatever}" Also, an elder would never counsel a woman without at least one other present, generally too the spouse as well. I recall one bluntly told me, "She needs a psychiatrist." When they realize a person is not responding and there appear to be cognitive issues, they willingly defer to trained professionals. From what you related, it's evident your spouse was just giving excuses to deflect from her actions. In other words, something akin to crocodile tears, sorrow for getting caught not for the actions.
I begin to notice that my wife becomes flirty and enjoys the attention from him. I'm no idiot and I see when my wife is interested in another man. I bring it to her attention but of course she tries to flip it onto me.
Emotional affairs are a real risk. He husband, you, has a right to tell her that flirting is not appropriate. Projecting her behaviors onto you is typical BPD Blame Shifting.
I'm trying to be civil and avoid court but... .
Sadly, in the family court and associated agencies and professionals, Nice Guys don't automatically get the credit they deserve. It's a
judicial system, not a
justice system. It wouldn't go out of it's way to help the Nice Guy. Since you can't count on the legal or social systems to figure it out on their own, you need to be
proactive for your child's welfare and have
solid strategies for success. Hopes and wishes won't do it. Fortunately it seems you have some in-laws who will be good advocates and supporters for you and your dear daughter.