Intro Post

[jaican]

Hi,
This is my first post. I haven't looked around yet but I will be. I've been married to my husband for almost 2 years. In that time I've experienced extreme anxiety and low depression, developed adrenal fatigue, angry outbursts and lost much motivation for life. But I've been bringing myself back to realize what is actually going on. I still have a bit of anxiety and I'm working with a naturopath on my mood and motivation. I've realized I'm dealing with an extreme amount of stress due to my marriage. I know this because I was just fine before I was married. Very happy and fulfilled and functioning perfectly normally.

I figured out my husband had ADHD before we married. I thought that was going to be our challenge with our marriage. I told him after we got married a few months later and while it was hard to take in for him at first he took the initiative to get diagnosed. He was diagnosed easily and put on medication to help. And it did help somewhat. Except certain problems persisted with our ability to communicate. I can't tell you the number of times he told me I just needed to be happy like him. He never wanted to deal with anything even slightly difficult but would have his own outbursts that he would laugh about later. I found an ADHD counselor who wasn't very helpful except in that he thought our issues were because my husband had Aspergers. I was shocked. I read up on it and it really seemed to make complete sense. I grieved for a few months for the marriage I realized I wasn't going to have. But I kept going. I found an amazing Aspergers counselor who seemed to understand both of us so well. I found a Gottman counselor to help my husband learn conflict and communication skills as he was greatly lacking. But after about 8 months of putting every effort into it, both my husband and I, I did not see the improvements we should have seen. His outbursts kept going. His lack of memory seemed to be more severe than ever. His mood swings were all over the place. I was getting myself better but he seemed to be getting worse in a way. He couldn't make use of the skills we were learning in counseling no matter how on board he seemed in the session. He started sending verbally attacking emails to our Aspergers counselor. I finally realized how much verbal abuse he was putting me through and how completely off he seemed at times from himself. I had felt for over a year that he may have a personality disorder but I couldn't figure it out for sure. I finally recorded a moment of his and showed both our counselors. They both could see that my husband was dissociating and I then discovered the phrase Dissociative Identity Disorder. That felt like the last piece of the puzzle! That was about a month ago. In researching help for that I found DBT. In finding DBT, I'm seeing it's a very effective treatment for BPD. In reading up about BPD, it seems like a strong possibility that my husband also has that. He has almost no ability to regulate himself emotionally except for dissociating and then becoming verbally abusive at times. Which is a way I refuse to live anymore.

I love my husband. He is a good man when he is able to manage. Or when nothing negative/difficult/distressing is going on for him. Part of me feels very bad for him for how difficult life is and has been. He has talked about his childhood and first marriage and I don't think he even realizes how much he has suffered in life. He really does avoid feeling hurt at all costs. Sometimes he starts to feel his hurt and anger but he gets overwhelmed extremely easily by it and then switches into a dissociated role.

What I've found difficult is staying healthy myself. Getting through what I now know is emotional abuse. Claiming my sanity again and mental health and well-being again. I'm getting there. I'm starting to get back to myself.

When he is fine, he is a great man. Lots of misunderstandings and struggles still but he tries and tries to be kind and loving. He has agreed to take on DBT treatment and we have his first appointment on March 30. I am counting down the days.

I would really appreciate support, encouragement, knowledge and honesty in this journey I am now in. I want to stay married. I still love him very much. I believe we can make it. He puts in a good deal of effort when he's okay. I need things to change and improve though. My health cannot withstand his current behaviours. When he's okay, he tells me he doesn't want to get so overwhelmed either.

Looking forward to getting to know this group and feeling not alone and getting help to get stronger and have a successful, healthy marriage.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[JoeBPD81]

Wellcome here, jaican,

You're gonna find many similar stories, and it is sad but also comforting, because we look around and we think we are alone and that no one could understand this. But we do.

It is amazing, but we all love our SO (Significant Other), while we would tell other people in our situation: "Run!" We don't deserve the abuse, but we can see our SO is a good person with a burden that doesn't deserve either. We all felt that there is a point where everything is misunderstood, anything would trigger drama.

I've come to think that we should be some kind of special people that were put on this road to learn, to evolve, or to understand things that other people wouldn't even bother to try. We met them for a reason. They sure deserve love, and we are the ones that can show it to them. That's a thought that gives me some peace.

With understanding and with self care and boundaries, comes some peace too. Even if the future is not very soothing, and that idea alone is sometimes overwhelming, somehow we can keep hope alive.

I don't know if this is part of the dynamic, but to me, when things are OK, I almost don't remember the bad times. It is hard to picture why I was upset, or depressed 2 days ago.

Good luck, and stay strong!

[Tattered Heart]

Welcome to the board jaican . It sounds like you have a great attitude going into this. I hope DBT can help you. Interesting that your husband had a diagnosis of Asperger. Before finding out about BPD I thought he also had Asperger's. Mainly because he took things so literally, had a hard time understanding/reading other's emotions, acted out when he was having a difficult time with his own emotions, and would get fixated on activities or topics. I realized now that many of these were how BPD manifested in his life. He may have some Asperger's trait's, but it is not what I would think is his primary diagnosis.

I hope you can find lots of support here. One thing I like about this site is that specifically on this board, no one tells you to just leave your spouse. A good starting place might be to begin reading through our workshops on the right side of the page. There are lots of topics about learning more about BPD, communicating skills for you to use while talking with your pwBPD, and how to take care of yourself while living with someone with BPD.