Legal Action against the person my H had an affair with

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

Has anyone investigated taking legal action against the affair partner? I know this sounds crazy but I can divorce my husband but I can't take action against the woman who knowingly entered into this affair even though he was married? She participated in breaking a legal contract between my H and myself. In addition, her whacko H knew that she was mentally ill but was negligent in keeping her out of situations where she would re-offend. Seems like there should be some civil action against her.

Here's the brief details:

She cheated on her husband 6 months after they were married with someone other than my H. She separated from her H and she continued the affair for 13 YEARS (!). In the meantime, she cheated on her H with my H who happened to be her boss. Got herself a raise and then essentially dumped H. She has tried to sleep with my H's boss as well. Not sure if she was successful. She has been diagnosed by her psychiatrist with what can only be NPD, although she won't confirm this.

I spent over 8K in medical bills last year because of the anxiety and depression she caused. I also have lost time at work and should essentially be out on disability because of this but can't do this since I own my own business.

I would like to send a message by bringing civil action against her and/or her husband. I think the only way infidelity is going to change, is if there is a monetary damage associated with it.

Meanwhile, I'm dealing with crazy uBPDH behaviour which is literally taking a piece of my life every day. Can't forgive the ass for what he did, but somehow he wants me to feel sorry for him. Still hasn't done a single thing to fix his problems. I want to leave.

Anyway sorry for the long rant. Any lawyers have any ideas here?

[lookingforanswer]

Has anyone investigated taking legal action against the affair partner? I know this sounds crazy but I can divorce my husband but I can't take action against the woman who knowingly entered into this affair even though he was married? She participated in breaking a legal contract between my H and myself. In addition, her whacko H knew that she was mentally ill but was negligent in keeping her out of situations where she would re-offend. Seems like there should be some civil action against her.

Here's the brief details:

She cheated on her husband 6 months after they were married with someone other than my H. She separated from her H and she continued the affair for 13 YEARS (!). In the meantime, she cheated on her H with my H who happened to be her boss. Got herself a raise and then essentially dumped H. She has tried to sleep with my H's boss as well. Not sure if she was successful. She has been diagnosed by her psychiatrist with what can only be NPD, although she won't confirm this.

I spent over 8K in medical bills last year because of the anxiety and depression she caused. I also have lost time at work and should essentially be out on disability because of this but can't do this since I own my own business.

I would like to send a message by bringing civil action against her and/or her husband. I think the only way infidelity is going to change, is if there is a monetary damage associated with it.

Meanwhile, I'm dealing with crazy uBPDH behaviour which is literally taking a piece of my life every day. Can't forgive the ass for what he did, but somehow he wants me to feel sorry for him. Still hasn't done a single thing to fix his problems. I want to leave.

Anyway sorry for the long rant. Any lawyers have any ideas here?

[scraps66]

Unfortunate circumstances for sure.  Ranting is often necessary when dealing with BPs. 

I really don't see what grounds there would be to file against this person.  I also see that this could get even messier and very expensive doing something like this.  I would suggest taking a step back.  If stress and anxiety have been an issue I wouldn't see an improvement dealing with more legal... .crap.

maybe a better direction for your energy would be to address what is more in  your control, building some boundaries with your H.

I can say this tongue and cheek, I was only cheated on, I know nothing about what actual legal action could be available.  I also am four years out of a four year divorce form an NPD/BPD and I'm suffering from anxiety and stress, still.   

[lookingforanswer]

I guess my legal stance is that a) she knew my husband was married b) she entered into an affair anyway c) hence knowingly breaking the contract that he had with me.

Marriage is a legal contract and if we substituted in another other legal contract to the situation, there would be legal ramifications.

I know crazy. I am 2 years into this and I'm still having nightmares and anxiety/depression. Truly PTSD. Not because of his BPD behaviour which I have endured for over 30 years, but because of this affair. It makes me unable to cope.

As an aside, I don't believe her behaviour has changed so in part I want other women to be aware of this so they don't need to endure what I have endured. She specifically targets married men. The first guy she had an affair with had his wife leave him. No kids involved, so somehow this seems easier.

[scraps66]

Take care of yourself, first.  Do nice things for yourself and something I learned after the divorce was final, exercise.  Helps with stress and anxiety.

I had debated telling my neighbor, best friend of ex's boyfriend, about my "true" ex.  That was about five years ago, she is still with the bf and portraying him as "dad".  I was glad I opted not to mention anything.  Now a few years later, with the same bad stuff going on, I am tempted to just blurt it out, ":)O YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW CRAZY SHE IS?  DO YOU KNOW SHE'S A SOCIOPAHT?"  Still on the fence. 

[lookingforanswer]

I'm not sure what all the secrecy is about--they are taking our power by having us keep this secret. This is how I feel, but I have only half acted on this. I did notify her parish because there was some seriously questionable stuff she was teaching in CCD and given her lack of morals, does any parent really want her influencing their kids? She was teaching CCD to a teenage class-- her kids were in grade school. This is a huge red flag, folks. I'm hoping someone out there is the organizer for CCD at their parish and will think twice before they hire someone to teach a class when their kids are not in that class. Crazy.

Secondly, I did notify some people on fb who were praising her for being a champion of women. Couldn't take that crap. They were rightly horrified to hear from a stranger explaining exactly why she likes to screw over women. Hope the word is out in her town.

And of course I confronted her and her whacko husband. Yeah not my finest hour but I think I got my point across. I was told by them that if I told anyone what she did, then they were going to sue for slander. I told the dumb a$$es that slander is when IT ISN'T THE TRUTH! It was like arguing with monkeys. And this is the truth, we can put whatever we want out there as long as it is not a lie. So what are we afraid of?

Truthfully, I think a social media blast would do the trick but I do firmly believe that she is monetarily responsible for the damage that she caused. She knew exactly what she was doing, and didn't give a crap. I'm not sure why this is not actionable. I get the same comment when I ask people about this: they were both to blame. So why is it that I can divorce my husband and get damages, but she gets to walk away (again) with no repercussions? Or if you talk to the marriage counsellor: what did "I" do to cause my husband to cheat? Almost fell off my seat first in horror, then in hysterical laughter. Yeah what I did was marry someone with a mental illness. My bad.

Truthfully, what kind of action can I take against her that will warn others in her path? And why the hell are we keeping affairs, mental illness, crazy behavior a secret? Is there anyone who is a lawyer on this message board?

Oh and I have been exercising faithfully--ever since 10th grade I think. Doesn't do a damn thing. I need a lobotomy to erase the images from my mind and maybe fake my death so I can start over 

[pallavirajsinghani]

I think that adultery as a crime is a legal statute in many states--do check if it is still valid in your state.  However, the statute would give you a right to sue your husband over adultery, not the other party (I believe---but I am not sure.)

You do have a valid point in theory... .I wonder what its practical applications are.

And I wonder what would constitute adultery in legal terms. (Reference to: "I did not have sex... ." defense of Bill Clinton.)

I think that this thread is worth exploring for its legality as much as for its benefit as a "revenge fantasy".  I do not say this lightly.  I have fantasies of winning gadzillions of lottery money so that my UBPD SIL would come groveling to me/our family and curry favors... .and I don't even buy a ticket.

Just thinking about such an action seems to be so therapeutic.

[Panda39]

I think that adultery as a crime is a legal statute in many states--do check if it is still valid in your state.  However, the statute would give you a right to sue your husband over adultery, not the other party (I believe---but I am not sure.)

This is what I was thinking also, your marriage contract is with your husband not his affair partner.

I know the affair is deeply hurtful but IMHO you should take the focus off of them and put energy into healing yourself.

Take Care,
Panda39

[Germanic]

In reading law over the years where aggrieved spouses have tried to bring suit against parties who interceded within another's marriage contract, i.e.: "the vile party slept with my spouse,"  I have seen little success on this matter in the legal arena.  These issues vary widely by state and state law and jurisprudence (what has been rendered or decided on the issue), is just as varied.

Here's basically why it doesn't stand the test of court:  First, assuming all parties are of legal age, they are adults and no one else can be held responsible for the another's actions in this instance. They were consenting adults.  Second, the marriage contract in the US now is basically about the "stuff," not "who ultimately sleeps with who."  As I understand in most states now, adultery is not even a ground for divorce or a claim.  Consider this when you look back at the ballyhoo a few years ago on the debate over the ":)efense of Marriage Act!"   

[lookingforanswer]

Thanks for all the feedback. My main concern is my responsibility in this situation to make sure she does not do this to another family. She truly is a sick girl.

What about intentional infliction of emotional distress? Anyone have experience with this law? Seems to fit perfectly in this situation. I think of this like the Mothers Against Drunk Drivers.  When they started in 1980, they became advocates against drunk driving. They have reduced drunk driving by half. What if we did the same for adultery and reduced it by half as well. We can be Spouses Against Infidelity. Only kidding... .sort of

I am still with uBPDh. Some wounds don't heal so not much hope in that area. I would feel better if I made something positive come out of this mess. I'm guessing that would be true for the majority of us.

[ForeverDad]

Probably best to take your cue from how most judges handle cases that come before the court.  They generally don't try to fix the litigants, they deal with them as they are.  And they generally don't try to lay blame on one or split blame.  They try to do the least it takes to unwind the marriage.  Not fair if we're the ones impacted, but that's what happens when we have a judicial system and not a justice system.  Our best recourse is to focus on what's best for (1) us and (2) the children.

Can you accept that you may never get the justice you desperately want?  Review the 5 Steps of Grieving a Relationship.  Can you eventually accept What Is, Let Go and Move On?

[Stolen]

Alienation of Affection is the law you are seeking.  However, like many aspects of accountability, it has been rendered moot in most states:  https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Alienation_of_affections

[livednlearned]

In reading law over the years where aggrieved spouses have tried to bring suit against parties who interceded within another's marriage contract, i.e.: "the vile party slept with my spouse,"  I have seen little success on this matter in the legal arena.  These issues vary widely by state and state law and jurisprudence (what has been rendered or decided on the issue), is just as varied.divorce or a claim.  Consider this when you look back at the ballyhoo a few years ago on the debate over the ":)efense of Marriage Act!"  

In my state we have the Alienation of Affection law Stolen refers to. It's usually successful when it comes to alimony. If you were the breadwinner and your ex had the affair, and have proof of the affair, you don't have to pay alimony and that's pretty straight forward.

Trying to sue the "paramour" is much harder and there has to be a lot of money in play to make it worthwhile.