Not coping very well

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

Hi everyone,

My ex-fiance and I have been broken up for nearly a month now. She was originally diagnosed with BPD but has since said she went and saw someone else who told her she didn't have that so she thinks she is fine now. Even though she matches the disorder to a T. I have literally tried everything to get her back. Even took the blame on myself but nothing worked. She is so distant now. She is blaming so much on me and has a way of twisting the reality of certain situations that occurred during our relationship to make it seem like I am this awful person who caused her so much pain. And it's like she truly believes it as well, I don't think she deliberately is doing it. She has lashed out and said some awful things such as she had doubts for the last year and a half (which meant before I proposed). She said I was the cause of her depression (then later apologised and said that was a mean thing to say and it wasn't me, it was our relationship).

This all still feels like a blur to me. I can't believe this is actually happening! I love her so much and would do anything. And I feel like I have solutions that could make things better for the both of us but she refuses to even give me/us a chance. Says she doesn't love me anymore. Which is hard to hear because she has always told me how much she loves me and would never leave me. And as soon as I start to tell her how sad I am, and how I have been struggling she goes straight to saying how unfair it is for me to say that because she already feels guilty enough doing this etc. So pretty much she is allowed to say all this stuff to me that I am going to struggle for a very long time to move on from, yet the moment I say I am sad that is not to be talked about in front of her!

I want her back more than anything, but I need to recognise that it may never happen. The ball is in her court and right now, she doesn't want me. I had to cut contact with her because it just makes it harder seeing her or talking to her. I was wondering, how often do people with BPD come back/realise they have made a mistake after they do something like this? I am still holding out a faint glimmer of hope!

[AliasBristow]

Hi everyone,

My ex-fiance and I have been broken up for nearly a month now. She was originally diagnosed with BPD but has since said she went and saw someone else who told her she didn't have that so she thinks she is fine now. Even though she matches the disorder to a T. I have literally tried everything to get her back. Even took the blame on myself but nothing worked. She is so distant now. She is blaming so much on me and has a way of twisting the reality of certain situations that occurred during our relationship to make it seem like I am this awful person who caused her so much pain. And it's like she truly believes it as well, I don't think she deliberately is doing it. She has lashed out and said some awful things such as she had doubts for the last year and a half (which meant before I proposed). She said I was the cause of her depression (then later apologised and said that was a mean thing to say and it wasn't me, it was our relationship).

This all still feels like a blur to me. I can't believe this is actually happening! I love her so much and would do anything. And I feel like I have solutions that could make things better for the both of us but she refuses to even give me/us a chance. Says she doesn't love me anymore. Which is hard to hear because she has always told me how much she loves me and would never leave me. And as soon as I start to tell her how sad I am, and how I have been struggling she goes straight to saying how unfair it is for me to say that because she already feels guilty enough doing this etc. So pretty much she is allowed to say all this stuff to me that I am going to struggle for a very long time to move on from, yet the moment I say I am sad that is not to be talked about in front of her!

I want her back more than anything, but I need to recognise that it may never happen. The ball is in her court and right now, she doesn't want me. I had to cut contact with her because it just makes it harder seeing her or talking to her. I was wondering, how often do people with BPD come back/realise they have made a mistake after they do something like this? I am still holding out a faint glimmer of hope!

[ynwa]

Hello Alias, 

Thank you for posting, thank you for reaching out.  You are going through a crap moment, and I'll let you know we all have been there.  It's not easy, but you made a good decision in cutting off contact. What you said

feels like a blur to me. I can't believe this is actually happening!

. That is how i feel.  I'm just short of 2 months from my ex. It's how a lot of us on this board feel.  There are a lot of good people on this board that can help.  There are really good articles on getting through this... .I would start here.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=56295.0

You aren't alone, and don't be so hard on yourself. It's going to take time.

make it seem like I am this awful person who caused her so much pain. And it's like she truly believes it as well, I don't think she deliberately is doing it

.
 She made it seem that way, but it isn't your fault.  Not really.  But take responsibility for you, right now and be there for yourself.  Talk to a friend, watch a movie, eat your favorite food. 

Ignore what she said for now, and accept that you are hurting, that you can't expect anything different.  But you will get through it.

[heartandwhole]

Hi AliasBristow,

I'm sorry that your relationship has broken down. That is very painful, especially when you want to make it work, but your partner doesn't. 

It might be best to pause right now, give her some space, and take very good care of yourself. These kinds of relationships are often so emotionally loaded that we need time to rebalance afterward.

Are you taking good care of yourself right now? Do you have supportive friends and family?

When you are feeling stronger, read everything you here; it will open your eyes to many options. The link that ynwa gave you is a great place to start. If you start to communicate with your ex again, I recommend checking out the communication tools on the Improving Board. They will help you speak your heart in a way that maybe your ex can hear. There are not guarantees, of course. Unless your ex is committed to working on herself as well as your relationships, I'm afraid these patterns will repeat themselves.

Hang in there. Feel your feelings and give yourself lots of TLC. Things really DO get better. That was my experience, and many others who post here.

heartandwhole

[AliasBristow]

Thank you both for the reply!

I am trying my best to look after myself. My friends and family have been amazing and I wouldn't have made it this far without them! Well, all of them except one. She was one of my closest friends and was even in my bridal party. Funnily enough, she has been diagnosed with BPD also. She has taken my ex's side and sent me a couple of horrible text messages tonight. Blaming me for not reaching out to her. Wouldn't see reason in what I was saying. The way she was talking was exactly how my ex used to talk to me in fights. So I have decided to cut her out of my life too! Not just because of how she acted tonight, but because I know for a fact she is still very close to my ex and I just need to separate myself from that life completely.

I have been feeling worse as the days go on and I think that is because I was clinging onto a false sense of hope before that she would change her mind. But now it is looking extremely unlikely so I need to let go. I am going to this Reiki healing session on the weekend - I've never done anything like that before but it's worth a shot! And I also get a couple of free counseling sessions through my work. It's a start, but I am determined not to let myself sink any lower!