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Author Topic: therapy for repeating childhood patterns in nonBPD relationship  (Read 420 times)
telecaster68

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« on: January 16, 2017, 08:50:46 AM »

Introductory post here... .https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=304517.0

I'm returning to the board after a while away because I'm just starting therapy. The therapy (relational, rather than CBT, so it's about digging into how patterns of behaviour from childhood get repeated in current relationships), has been triggered by current marriage problems - basically I'm feeling a lack of emotional and sexual intimacy and I know it's playing off a bunch of childhood stuff from my BPD mother, and I don't have the tools to deal with it properly.

There's two things at play really. Firstly, I've been NC with my uBPD mum and enmeshed dad for years, and have got to a place where I'm pretty much okay with this (it's sad, but I did everything I could) and it's not really a live issue for me. But I'm well aware I have have a hard time asking for what I want in a relationship. I was so well trained in the first 18 years of my life that even accepting that I have legitimate needs is a bit of an achievement. I know my calibration round this is way off, and I constantly need to review it, and constantly have a fear of turning into the black hole of emotional neediness like my mother.

My wife is the diametric opposite of my mother (and that's no accident Smiling (click to insert in post) ). However I've come to realise that her undemonstrativeness and lack of emotionalism is leaving me feeling like she doesn't care. She has some traits that are almost Aspergerish - doesn't see the necessity of anything more than infrequent, almost cursory acts of physical affection like hugs etc., sex has apparently never had any emotional component to her, seems baffled by discussions about emotions. It's as though if a normal emotional range is -10 to +10, and BPD is -50 to +50, then hers is -2 to +2. For all that, I don't doubt she loves me because of other things she does. For background, she's menopausal, manages lupus, and has had medication for anxiety, though not at the moment.

So put these things together, and there's a big gap - I have trouble figuring out my emotional needs, let alone working out if they're reasonable, let alone asking for them. And I have a wife who has no intuitive grasp that emotional needs are a Thing, let alone how to meet them.

So I guess usual kind of questions. Anyone else been here? Any thoughts? Words of advice?
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Naughty Nibbler
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« Reply #1 on: January 16, 2017, 12:56:44 PM »

Hey Telecaster68:  

Welcome back.  I'm sorry you have a BPD mom and about the problems you are dealing with.

Quote from: telecaster68
I'm just starting therapy. I'm feeling a lack of emotional and sexual intimacy and I know it's playing off a bunch of childhood stuff from my BPD mother, and I don't have the tools to deal with it properly.  

Did you receive any affection from anyone in your family of origin (FOO)?  Hugs, "I love you's", etc.?  :)o you know what your wife's situation was with affection, while growing up?

In my family, my dad was the one with a few strong BPD traits (along with anxiety issues, and a couple of traits of ADD & OCD).  My sister is likely a high functioning BPD.  Growing up, I knew my parent's loved me, but we weren't a family that hugged, showed much affection or said "I Love You".  

My mother's father died when she was very young and my grandmother never remarried.  My father's mother died when he was young (in a train wreck).  My father's mother had been married 3 times.  My dad's father didn't help raise my father, he was passed around among relatives.  So, both my parent's were't very affectionate.  There appears to have been an environmental influence, and perhaps some genetics.

I remember one time, my mom asked my sister and I if we minded that she wasn't very affectionate.  She shared that her family wasn't that way.  Of course, I answered that it didn't bother me, as I didn't know anything different.  What was probably abnormal, was my normal.

Quote from: telecaster68
My wife is the diametric opposite of my mother (and that's no accident). However I've come to realize that her undemonstrativeness and lack of emotionalism is leaving me feeling like she doesn't care.
She has some traits that are almost Aspergerish - doesn't see the necessity of anything more than infrequent, almost cursory acts of physical affection like hugs etc., sex has apparently never had any emotional component to her, seems baffled by discussions about emotions.

I have trouble figuring out my emotional needs, let alone working out if they're reasonable, let alone asking for them. And I have a wife who has no intuitive grasp that emotional needs are a thing, let alone how to meet them.    

Your emotional needs and desire for touch sound healthy and reasonable.

Have you ever done anything like joint massages, or asked her to give you a back massage (sore back)? I'm thinking she might not have initiated anything like that, but would she participate if requested?  Just wondering if she is able to show any affection during a touching situation such as that (or would she act as a professional massage therapist in a therapeutic setting)

Any chance you wife had some form of sexual abuse in her past?

Quote from: telecaster68
I have trouble figuring out my emotional needs, let alone working out if they're reasonable, let alone asking for them. And I have a wife who has no intuitive grasp . . .

Have you thought of having couples therapy with your wife, in addition to your individual therapy?  

I'm thinking that a skilled couples therapist could guide you and your wife through your differences and help improve your situation.  What do you think?  Would your wife join you in therapy?

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Notwendy
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« Reply #2 on: January 16, 2017, 01:47:35 PM »

I can relate to your situation.

Although I don't think my H fits the full picture of BPD, there are enough traits there to trigger my childhood issues. I too thought I was marrying someone completely different from my mother, yet similar issues that I observed in my parents happened in my marriage- circular arguments, rages, painting me black- all so much milder than my mother, I didn't see it as part of a spectrum.

 I was very confused for a while.

I read a lot of books on marriage, and learned this - that we do tend to marry people that trigger our FOO issues in hopes that we can resolve them. We seem to unconsciously play them out with our partners.

I too experienced a lack of love and affection, and so did my H from his stoic family and critical father. My H was attracted to me because I was open and affectionate, and gave him what he craved. The problem was, I craved it too, and he didn't give it to me. He was taught that this was being too emotional. There was a period of time where he painted me black and didn't show any affection. It was horrible. He eventually stopped doing this, but it was very hurtful.

My H craves affection, but also needs his space. I found a similar push pull as with a person with BPD. If a got too close, he would push me away, yet also emotionally crave my affection. It felt as if he wanted me to be like a toy on a shelf- pick me up to play with when he wanted to, then put me back and ignore me. People don't work that way.

Working on my own co-dependency and FOO issues helped me to change some of the dynamics. But I can't change my H. If he is distant, he is who he is. A problem is that I am now distant somewhat as well. It is hard to be the emotional one and not have that returned much.

I do know this- so long as there are FOO issues for me to work out, I will play them out in a relationship either with him or someone else. That was a huge motivation to work on me- counseling, codependent 12 step groups, and seek out ways to get emotional needs met  that do not violate my marriage vows- meeting with friends, my 12 step groups.

I think we children of pwBPD don't know how to get our needs met and ask for what we want. I think taking care of our issues is a big key to having better relationships with others.
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telecaster68

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« Reply #3 on: January 17, 2017, 02:30:33 AM »

Did you receive any affection from anyone in your family of origin (FOO)?  Hugs, "I love you's", etc.?
 

Some, but in general it wasn't particularly demonstrative, and always laced with BPD dynamic - might blow up at any moment, and I was basically wary of my mother at best. My therapist has also linked it to me being in an incubator for the first couple of weeks of life and lacking touching. That seems a little glib to me, but he might be right. Who knows?

Excerpt
Do you know what your wife's situation was with affection, while growing up?

As far as I can tell, fairly normal, but not massively demonstrative. Her family seems generally warm and loving, hugs when meeting and greeting. She's not touch averse - friends get greeting hugs etc. So do I, but that's pretty much all get.

Excerpt
What was probably abnormal, was my normal.

Ain't that the way... .

Excerpt
Your emotional needs and desire for touch sound healthy and reasonable.

Thanks. I guess I'm not unsure about having the needs, it's the strength of the needs that I'm not sure about. The long term lack (like, years) make me feel resentful, disconnected and depressed.

Excerpt
Have you ever done anything like joint massages... .etc.

A long time ago, a couple of times. She's not touch averse, but she doesn't get anything out of it. It's a neutral experience for her. As for massages, while it's not exactly her being 'professional', it's a purely physical thing. There's no emotional intimacy there, and I can feel that. Again, I'm not sure if that's me being hypersensitive and needy.

(BTW, my sister told me she had some counselling last year and brought up the same thing about feeling overly needy. Her counsellor said 'of course you are, look at your childhood!'... .she meant it in a validating way.)

Excerpt
Any chance you wife had some form of sexual abuse in her past?

I'd never rule it out completely, but I'm pretty sure not. Like most abuse survivors, my antenna for abusive relationships are pretty sensitive and I've never caught the faintest whiff of it in her family.

Excerpt
Have you thought of having couples therapy with your wife, in addition to your individual therapy?  

I've suggested it. She doesn't want to. She's keen for me to have therapy though.

While she's generally completely supportive of me, she does tend to see any emotional needs that she doesn't share (ie anything more than holding hands, short non-sexual hugs and cuddles, and occasional very nonsexual, clothed spooning in bed) as needy products of my childhood. I genuinely don't think they are, and she knows I don't accept her view; but she doesn't feel able to be any more demonstrative than she is. If I, say, try to hug for longer, she pulls away and certainly doesn't physically respond. It's like she's just waiting for it to be over. We've talked about this, and she's theoretically willing to not pull away, but after a couple of weeks, she drifts back to previous behaviour. I'd never diagnose her of course, but these behaviours are the same as someone with Asperger's would have (choosing my words carefully). The recommended strategy in that situation is to spell out my needs really simply and very explicitly, which I try to do. But it's not something that comes naturally and it makes the resulting 'affection' feel fake to me. It's a work in progress.
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telecaster68

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« Reply #4 on: January 17, 2017, 02:55:17 AM »

I can relate to your situation.

Although I don't think my H fits the full picture of BPD, there are enough traits there to trigger my childhood issues. I too thought I was marrying someone completely different from my mother, yet similar issues that I observed in my parents happened in my marriage- circular arguments, rages, painting me black- all so much milder than my mother, I didn't see it as part of a spectrum.

 I was very confused for a while.

I read a lot of books on marriage, and learned this - that we do tend to marry people that trigger our FOO issues in hopes that we can resolve them. We seem to unconsciously play them out with our partners.

I'd never discount what we do unconsciously, but the twist here is that I seem to have accidentally gone too far the other way in trying to avoid that. By the time we met and married, I was well aware of how disordered my mother was, even though I didn't know about BPD specifically, I'd noticed the behaviours, and I was a long way out of the woods. In trying to avoid the histrionics, I've found someone who seems way 'flatter' than most people, even though that's not how she comes across in every day life. It's only in the long term intimacy (not just sexual) of marriage that the extent of the flatness has been revealed.

Excerpt
stoic family

Oh, the stoicism. Big in my family too. I hate stoicism. Standing still so someone can get a better shot at you next time is not a virtue... .

Excerpt
My H craves affection, but also needs his space. I found a similar push pull as with a person with BPD. If a got too close, he would push me away, yet also emotionally crave my affection. It felt as if he wanted me to be like a toy on a shelf- pick me up to play with when he wanted to, then put me back and ignore me. People don't work that way.

That sounds painful. My wife just doesn't need my affection, and doesn't show much towards me. I asked her how she thought I could tell she loved me. She said 'I'm still here with you.' She didn't mean it in a snide way, just the literal truth. One of my issues is to let go of reading nuances into her behaviour, in true 'non' style.

Excerpt
A problem is that I am now distant somewhat as well. It is hard to be the emotional one and not have that returned much.

Me too. I've backed off a lot, which hurts, but less than being rejected. Then I'm not sure about how much the lack of distance I was brought up with makes me expect too much of people in healthy relationships. Like you, trying to deal with that is at least partly behind getting therapy, and I'm making a conscious effort to be with friends etc. who seem warmer to me.

Excerpt
I think we children of pwBPD don't know how to get our needs met and ask for what we want. I think taking care of our issues is a big key to having better relationships with others.

I absolutely know I'm terrible at asking for what I want. I also know where it's volunteered, I give it back in spades. Maybe too much. Some of that is childhood stuff playing out, some of it is just - I like being like that.
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Notwendy
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« Reply #5 on: January 17, 2017, 07:21:54 AM »

A therapist helped point out to me that the total opposite of dysfunctional can still be dysfunctional. The example she used is that I didn't want to grow up to be like my mother, so instead, I imagined something that was "not my mother" but I still didn't have a model of an emotionally healthy relationship. My mother is selfish and demanding. I became co-dependent and unable to assert myself in my relationship. My mother is emotionally out there- raging, screaming, expressing her emotions. I married a stoic person who didn't show much emotion, except for anger.

The T helped me understand what being reactive was and she helped me to seek out middle ground. Middle ground seems to be the "normal" in between the two extremes. Being a giving person- but not co-dependent. Asserting my needs without being selfish or insensitive. Expressing feelings in an appropriate way.

Yes, it was hurtful to want more affection from my H than he gave me. However, when I worked on co-dependency, I began to need that kind of affirmation less- because I didn't seek out affirmation from others once I felt affirmed in my own right. This doesn't mean I don't enjoy affection, but I don't feel so needy in a sense. I realized it could be this neediness that my H was pushing away. My poor boundaries made him uncomfortable. The opposite- which I had done - was to react to his pushing me away by being distant and cold- which made him feel rejected- was as dysfunctional as being needy.

It's important to not go to extremes. Still be physically warm to your wife, but only to the extent that she is OK with it. It also may help to do some personal work on your issues and your boundaries. You will still want physical affection, but maybe in a different way.
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Reforming
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« Reply #6 on: January 17, 2017, 09:21:48 AM »

Hi Telecaster,

Lots of good thoughts from other members.

I grew up in a family where physical affection and intimacy were pretty scarce. My mother could be affectionate and engaged.  But she could also be controlling and manipulative which left me and my brothers with some serious trust issues.

My father was completely emotionally absent and never showed physical affection. He's very bright, quite cerebral and almost aspergish.

In the early stages of my relationship my ex was very physically affectionate and very touch feely. Initially I found it almost overwhelming and a little bit comfortable. Butt it also played to a deep need for physical affection and it broke down a lot of my boundaries very quickly.

After few years sexual intimacy stopped. I felt increasingly lonely, frustrated and eventually resentful and I tried various approaches to confront and overcome this, but I found it very difficult. My ex had suffered childhood sexual abuse and she also has a family history of Bipolar.

I think good couples therapy would be a good idea. It's frustrating that at the moment your wife is unwilling to engage even though you've made it clear that you feel your needs aren't being met.

You can't force her to go to couples therapy but by going to individual therapy you're being proactive and taking steps to improve the situation and your own mental health. 

A good therapist can help you explore your FOO issues and help you learn how to meet some of your own needs better. I'm not suggesting that you give your wife a pass on her responsibilities in your marriage, but learning to meet our own core needs is great foundation for future happiness. In my opinion the most effective way to improve a relationship dynamic is to focus on helping ourselves.

You can't force your wife to change and if you try she will end up resenting you because none of us like being forced to confront our own dysfunction. But you can lead by example and inspire her by changing yourself.

You mentioned that you're seeing relational therapist. It can take time and effort to find the right therapist for you - persistence and patience are important. I'd recommend Schema Therapy as a particularly effective way of overcoming repeating childhood patterns. They also do some very good couples counselling, which is worth bearing in mind if you wife decides to revisit the idea of couples therapy.

The very best of luck and well done for finding the strength and courage to work on your own issues.

Reforming

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telecaster68

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« Reply #7 on: January 17, 2017, 12:49:42 PM »

My mother is selfish and demanding. I became co-dependent and unable to assert myself in my relationship. My mother is emotionally out there- raging, screaming, expressing her emotions. I married a stoic person who didn't show much emotion, except for anger.

Pretty much my story too, except for the angry partner. She doesn't show much of anything.

Excerpt
The T helped me understand what being reactive was and she helped me to seek out middle ground. Middle ground seems to be the "normal" in between the two extremes. Being a giving person- but not co-dependent. Asserting my needs without being selfish or insensitive. Expressing feelings in an appropriate way.

The middle ground bit is where I have trouble. I need to figure out where 'my' ground is before I can figure out where the middle is.

Excerpt
It's important to not go to extremes. Still be physically warm to your wife, but only to the extent that she is OK with it.

She's okay with handholding, short hugs, and non-sexual spooning. No sex (well, she'll do it but it's starfishing and completely passionless). I'm having trouble with my needs ever retreating so far I'll be happy with that, rather than grimly learning to live with it.

Excerpt
It also may help to do some personal work on your issues and your boundaries.

Yep, hence therapy.
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telecaster68

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« Reply #8 on: January 17, 2017, 01:01:03 PM »

I think good couples therapy would be a good idea. It's frustrating that at the moment your wife is unwilling to engage even though you've made it clear that you feel your needs aren't being met.

You can't force her to go to couples therapy but by going to individual therapy you're being proactive and taking steps to improve the situation and your own mental health. 

Well exactly. Worst result is that I decide I can't deal with a completely tepid relationship for the rest of my life, and work towards ending it so I can move on. Which would be painful, and I'd rather not, but it does have some kind of positive resolution.

Excerpt
You can't force your wife to change and if you try she will end up resenting you because none of us like being forced to confront our own dysfunction. But you can lead by example and inspire her by changing yourself.

Well here's hoping. I'll have to see what happens, but that's up to her.

Excerpt
I'd recommend Schema Therapy as a particularly effective way of overcoming repeating childhood patterns.

My therapist hasn't mentioned the actual word (I've only had one session, to be fair), but his focus is on how childhood dysfunction plays out in adult relationships, and having had a quick google, that sounds like the general ballpark. It's definitely the kind of area I want, too.

Excerpt
The very best of luck and well done for finding the strength and courage to work on your own issues.
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Naughty Nibbler
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« Reply #9 on: January 17, 2017, 02:39:19 PM »

Hey telecaster68   Being cool (click to insert in post)
I found an interesting article in Psychology Today about Aspies and marriage.  The quotes below are excerpts, then there is a link to the entire article.

Quote from: PsychologyToday.com
Asperger Emotions and Adult Relationships, by Lynne Soraya
    
It has been often said, or implied, that people with Asperger's don't feel emotion.  Anyone who's known me through the years can testify that that is absolutely not true.  As with many others with Asperger's, I feel emotion, and feel them intensely, sometimes more so than a person who did not have Asperger's.

When it boils down to it, I believe the root of this assumption goes back to the difficulties that many with Asperger's have with communication. . . .

. . ."There is often quite a stark difference in the styles used to express and communicate emotions between those with AS and neurotypicals (NT's) which is not cause to assume that aspies don't feel empathy, sadness, compassion, happy for others and so forth. Speaking for myself, from my own experience, I often feel way too much though this is usually not very evident a lot of the time. Granted also that a lot of the way too much that I do feel is usually kept as being a part of my own world inner-experience and is not often shared with others. I do need to be asked often. I rarely just seek to share outwardly. People that get to know me come to understand this is not something that need be taken personally and that all they have to do is ask and I will answer. . . .

. . . I think of the old stereotypes, used often in movies and sit-coms, of a school bully who says something mean to a "geek" type character, who doesn't immediately respond in an appropriate way, but then a moment later says, "Heeey!"  The indicators that should have told him that the teasing was not OK, worked at such a slow pace, that his own delayed response becomes further feed for the bully, who sees it as a sign of weakness and/or stupidity.  Typically, it garners a laugh from the TV or movie audience, too. . . .

The complete article for, "Asperger Emotions and Adult Relationships", can be found at the link below:
https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/aspergers-diary/200809/asperger-emotions-and-adult-relationships

Quote from: telecaster68
For background, she's menopausal, manages lupus, and has had medication for anxiety, though not at the moment. . . .

She's okay with handholding, short hugs, and non-sexual spooning. No sex (well, she'll do it but it's starfishing and completely passionless). I'm having trouble with my needs ever retreating so far I'll be happy with that, rather than grimly learning to live with it.    
How long have you been married?  Was it ever different?  Before marriage, or during the Honeymoon Stage, was she ever enthusiastic about sex?  Has she ever been able to tell you what she wants?

If she's menopausal, hormone supplements might help her.  In most situations, without some hormonal assistance, sexual desire generally deminishes by the menopausal stage of life.  If it was never there in the first place, then that would perhaps present a situation with combined issues.

Quote from: telecaster68
I absolutely know I'm terrible at asking for what I want. I also know where it's volunteered, I give it back in spades. Maybe too much. Some of that is childhood stuff playing out, some of it is just - I like being like that.
Therapy should help you with this.  I'm thinking that with your combined issues, you both need some help to get on the same page of understanding in regard to each other's needs.  Hopefully, she will change her mind and participate in therapy at some point.

Quote from: telecaster68
The middle ground bit is where I have trouble. I need to figure out where 'my' ground is before I can figure out where the middle is.

Worst result is that I decide I can't deal with a completely tepid relationship for the rest of my life, and work towards ending it so I can move on. Which would be painful, and I'd rather not, but it does have some kind of positive resolution.

Does your wife understand how important both emotional and physical intimacy are to you, to the extent that you could ask for a divorce?  

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telecaster68

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« Reply #10 on: January 17, 2017, 05:22:52 PM »


How long have you been married?  Was it ever different?  Before marriage, or during the Honeymoon Stage, was she ever enthusiastic about sex?  Has she ever been able to tell you what she wants?

17 years married. When we were first together, she was very enthusiastic and enjoyed it, but it tailed off over the first few years. We went on a three week holiday of a lifetime nine  years after we got married, and by that time I had no  particular expectations it would include sex, and it didn't.

What she wants is not to have sex ever again, with anyone. No fantasies, doesn't masturbate, gets neither pleasure nor pain from sex. And she's never had any emotional connection from it, it was always just physical, and even at our height, always felt a bit robotic and disconnected to me too.

Excerpt
If she's menopausal, hormone supplements might help her.

She's been on HRT for years, for non sexual reasons. Hasn't helped sex at all, and it's been tweaked as much as possible but HRT and her lupus pain meds don't play nicely. Basically she has to choose more HRT or less pain. Understandably she goes for less pain.

Excerpt
In most situations, without some hormonal assistance, sexual desire generally deminishes by the menopausal stage of life.  If it was never there in the first place, then that would perhaps present a situation with combined issues.

The actual figures (and they're there, just not shouted about on the menopausal cheerleading blogs) is that about a third of women's libidos stay the same, about a third actually go up (hormonal disruption, plus confidence plus not worrying about kids/pregnancy) and the last third's go down. About half of that last third (IE a sixth overall) lose their libido entirely. Broadbrush stuff obviously, and the best predictor is their attitude to sex pre-menopause.

Excerpt
Does your wife understand how important both emotional and physical intimacy are to you, to the extent that you could ask for a divorce?  

This is the bit that makes me wonder about Aspergers. She seems incapable of understanding this on anything more than a superficial, rational level, despite ongoing conversations (of varying levels of distress for us both) about it, because she doesn't feel it. When I first brought it up, after years of sexlessness, she looked baffled and said that because I hadn't explicitly raised it, she'd just assumed we were 'on the same page'.

As for divorce... .it's a tricky one to raise. It's going to sound like a threat, and it can't be unsaid. She knows it was making me depressed enough to get therapy prescribed on the NHS, and cause psoriasis. I don't know whether I want to put divorce out there till I'm sure I'd go through with it either, if it is going be a threat, and I don't know that yet. I think therapy may help clarify that. But then do I want to have sex with someone who's only doing it under duress anyway? And it does play into the 'you only want me for sex' idea - which isn't true, but she's said it a couple of times.
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Reforming
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« Reply #11 on: January 18, 2017, 11:27:47 AM »

Hi Telecaster,

It's sounds like you've done a lot of research into what might be going on. There are clearly some physical issues that aren't helping your situation but from what you have said her antipathy towards sex is long standing and predates these.

I think your absolutely right that therapy may help clarify things for you.

Sexual intimacy and compatibility is very complex. A lot of factors can play a part from the physical: health, age, fitness and libido to  the mental: trust, intimacy and emotional connection. Most sexual desire is rooted in our brains.

I think you're right about not threatening divorce. She might comply for a while to avoid being divorced but then grow to resent you because she feels that you are focusing on her dysfunction and are trying to force her to change. Ultimatums rarely work

Her current unwillingness to consider couples therapy is invalidating your needs, which are reasonable or healthy. Uncovering to the root to her resistance might require the skills of an experienced T, but it's worth considering some of the possibilities. Her wariness to go to couples counselling could be rooted in a belief that at the moment all the focus is on her dysfunction. She may be also be afraid that couples therapy may validate the assumption that this is her failure

You have probably have already done this but even though she is the one who is unwilling to have sex it might be more constructive to frame the problem as a shared issue that you want to resolve together without any prejudgments about the possible causes. It isn't about blaming or pointing the finger at one person. I did that and it just polarises partners, blocking resolution and breeding resentment. It is about working together to find a solution in a safe environment protected from blame and recrimination.

In my relationship I think my ex felt a lot of shame about our failure to have sex. Her coping mechanism was to avoid or evade dealing with it. When I tried to confront this and explore why we weren't have sex the one reason she gave was trust. She didn't trust me. I couldn't understand this but the longer this went on the more insurmountable she believed it was and the more resentful I became. She was also unwilling to go to couples therapy, but in retrospect I could have approached our shared problem with more skill and emotional intelligence.

If you're interested in exploring the option of Schema therapy further down the line or if you interested some of it's techniques for overcoming long term dysfunctional behavioural patterns it might be worth reading Reinventing Your Life by Jeffery Young's, the founder of Schema Therapy. It's reviewed on this site.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=60962.0

Good luck and thanks for sharing

Reforming

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