Finding Hope

[Echo87]

I found myself on the fence, struggling to find the strength to cope with my partner's dysregulation, to stay on the path of managing my own reactions and setting boundaries in a way that would not intensify his dysregulation.

I was drowning in emotional turmoil, so ready to give up and simply walk away because it had all become just too damn hard. Even harder though, is walking away from somebody you love, somebody who CAN be sweet, loving, genuine and all of the other amazing qualities you fell in love with.

We'll just keep moving forward, one day at a time, one moment at a time, and if we stumble a few times along the way, so be it.

I can't always leave the house when I need to step away(if the children are sleeping) but I do find it helpful to go to another room and read. My book of choice as of late is Loving Someone  With Borderline Personality Disorder. It's a great read, and helps to remind me of what I'm doing right, and why I'm doing it. I've read it cover to cover a few times. Anybody have any other suggestions of a good read?

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Tattered Heart]

Good for you finding ways to get your balance. Living without hope is one of the worst feelings in the world. I'm glad you have found hope for yourself.

[livednlearned]

I liked that book, too.

Just finished reading Masterson's In Search of the Real Self, which helped me look at my BPD loved one as a person instead of a set of symptoms. It doesn't talk about skills, so it's not helpful in that way. But it does present a compelling theory about why people with BPD behave the way they do.

Buddha and the Borderline is also good, if you want to read a memoir by someone with BPD. It's a book I go to when I need to bump up my compassion.

[Echo87]

Thanks for the book recommendations, I'll definitely check them out!
I don't keep a diary/journal, so I find it nice to share my thoughts here.

I'm fortunate in that my reality also includes a partner that is self aware. In *most* cases, he is able to recognize when his emotions are becoming out of control, and has a physically demanding hobby which gets him away from the situation, and gives him time to cool down before it escalates. And I'm learning how to have some control over my own emotions and reactions which helps a great deal.

Looking back, I've been able to recognize that the only time his emotions have escalated to a point where they have been completely out of control was when he caught me in a bad mood and rather then practicing the tried and true methods I knew would help bring him back down to baseline, I was invalidating, short-tempered, and snapped back.

I'm not blaming myself in anyway. But I do realize just how much my own reactions do really impact the situation, and that's the only thing I have any control over.

[livednlearned]

How great that he has self-awareness and a constructive outlet. Does he know he is BPD?

[Echo87]

He knows, yes. He received his diagnosis years before we met. And has done a lot of constructive work with a therapist after multiple suicide attempts. He isn't currently in therapy, but still this to put the tools he's learned into practice. He's slipped, we all slip.

Knowing a little about his background allows me a little more empathy. He doesn't talk about it much, he becomes quite angry when he does. He was adopted as a toddler into a Mormon family, and was what his adoptive parents described as a "difficult child", his emotions ran consistently high and they had a difficult time dealing with him. When he left the Mormon faith in his late teens, he was disowned by the only family he had known (besides his sister, who was also adopted ). I can't think of a better way to foster a fear of abandonment.

Our current living arrangements aren't the greatest. When we met, I had just moved in with my father with my two children after splitting with my ex partner. My father is a very stubborn man, a very particular man (about how his household is kept, how things are done). He allowed my partner to move in for a short time to get our affairs in order to get our own place, and since there have been arguments. It's been a tense month, but thankfully we will be gone in 11 very long days.

[vanx]

I really liked that book too. Don't want to jump to conclusions, but I am thinking you may be like me, and get a sense of peace from coming from a compassionate place. What about something that also helps with your inner conpassion? I really liked Pema Chodron's "Start Where You Are". It helps me accept and integrate my own pain and emotions. It is technically a Buddhist approach but I think open to other or no faith.
I commend you for reading and giving yourself some me time!

[Echo87]

My compassion was tested last night for sure. The intensity of his emotional dysregulation threw me for a loop and I had one hell of a hard time keeping my calm... .

It was moving day. And after a perfectly wonderful day prior, signing the lease, getting everything in order, celebrating with dinner and ice cream straight from the container with the kids sitting on the kitchen floor in our still empty home... .It was downright magical.

Circumstances with our  prior living arrangements meant I was packing and moving our things from the previous residence without him. I was stressed  and scatterbrained and did some things wrong regarding the pets (cat and fish) that were very important to him, and it slipped my mind to get a small play structure he purchased for my daughter for her birthday (which he felt hurt by). I can go back for it on Monday.

A person without BPD would likely have been upset a short time, but as we all know, this continued to escalate, and of course with the stresses of moving I wasn't in the greatest place myself.

He did come home around 4am and is currently sleeping. I'm just holding on to hope that his emotions have calmed.

[Echo87]

It's just over a week in our new place and we've settled in a bit as we've managed to trudge through some of our massive to-do list. We took on a huge amount with this rental, it definitely wasn't in the best condition when we moved in; needed a LOT of cleaning, insulation on the windows, and minor repairs on top of all the usual moving stress. And on top of all of that, finances have been really tight, and our priorities tend to vary just a little bit.

It's created a stressful environment which immensely aggravates his BPD episodes. I feel like I've been treading water for the last week. We have good moments, not days... .Oh how I hold onto hope that the good days will return once things settle down. My BPD partner still has his self awareness, though it only appears now that he recognizes that he HAS BECOME dysregulated, not that he IS BECOMING dysregulated. Big difference.

It has been a teaching week for my kids. They are learning how  the two of us effectively communicate and though they've occasionally witnessed arguments, they've also been present for sincere admittance to wrong-doing, and genuine apologies.

Despite the chaos, this is home. 

[livednlearned]

Transitions are hard on anyone! I can only imagine how it must feel for someone with BPD.

I wonder if you can anticipate some of the big stressors and create an action/safety plan in advance? Something to hold onto when things get super windy 

[Echo87]

I've been trying to encourage him to take a step back from his to-do list and simply relax. When I can get him to do that (a rarity), he can calm, refresh and look at things with a better mindset. He thinks he needs to tackle everything at once and it's very difficult to get him to stray from that.

He's at a point right now where he's hit a brick wall. He's exhausted, numb and has shut himself off. He's in the bedroom and has been sleeping on and off all day. There's been a few good moments he has played with the kids, which ended shortly after insisting on moving some furniture upstairs and building a TV stand that had a broken piece (insue distress). He's since barricaded himself back in the bedroom for another "nap". Hoping I can draw him out for supper and a relatively pleasant evening. It's a lonely life sometimes. Had myself a good cry in the shower today.

The weather's been so cold here lately he hasn't been able to get outside to burn off steam, and I think it's really affecting him emotionally. Looking forward to next week's warmer temps in hopes it will bring better days.

[Echo87]

No improvement. If anything, it's gotten worse. Communication today has involved little outside of that he hates this house and we should have looked harder before we chose this one. (my fault of course). I've stuck to my guns with refusal to accept blame, however have validated his feelings in regards to the fact that we may have jumped the gun on accepting this rental property for a variety of reasons (low rent, good neighborhood), and that we could've shopped around a bit more. Diffused the situation from a blowout, so dispite the fact that he's grumpy and shutting himself off, his emotions aren't intensifying to a scary point, yet.

Just filled with this overwhelming dread of what the remainder of the evening holds.

Struggling immensely to keep my own emotions under control. Just keep repeating my mantra "this too shall pass".

[Echo87]

Boom! inevitable! Should've seen that one coming... .Haven't even gotten up to see if he's in the detached garage or if he's taken off somewhere. God forbid I dare check on him to see how he's doing. Flew out of the house in a rage... .He can stay in that damn garage for the remainder of the night for all I care at this point. I need a break. I'm emotionally exhausted after the last three days and can't deal.