The selfish irrational mind of a BPD

[burritoman]

So I haven't posted on here in quite awhile, but I really need to rant this one off. A little over a year ago my exgfwBPD left me, giving the same wishy washy reasons they like to give all of us. We dated for nearly 3 years. Three months later she came back, and citing some signs of hope that she'll change I took her back. It started off strong, then rocky, then strong again, where it stayed for most of the year. All the while though, I never felt like I fully trusted her.

Fast forward, in early December she started backing away from me, citing stress, the upcoming school semester, the holidays, etc. She wanted space and I gave it to her. It was up in the air on if we'd be spending the holidays together. She was either going to go back home to her grandparents', come over to my family's house, or stay home and avoid life for the weekend. I stopped asking what she was going to do because she said it stressed her out. Well, she unexpectedly disappeared over Christmas. Stopped checking in on FB and turned her phone off. After a few days I became worried and contacted her family and best friend to see if they'd heard from her. When she reemerged she cited all of the same reasons as above and that she just wanted some days to herself. Fine, fair enough, but she didn't tell anybody her intentions, which is what worries people who care about her. We eventually talked for a bit and agreed to meet over New Years to exchange gifts. She didn't show. I called her and she didn't answer, but texted me saying she was at brunch and she'll call me back. She didn't. I left her alone.

A week later, last Sunday, my father passed away. He was sick for many years and we all knew it was coming, as did she, but she showed no interest or genuine care about the situation. She has clearly been backing away from me, not calling or texting, not interacting with me on FB, avoiding me, breaking plans, etc. I looked around and thought well, my sister and brother are here with their partners, extended family have been stopping by, and where is she? I kept the news private and chose not to tell her, telling only close friends.

His funeral was on Friday, and afterwards I posted about it on Facebook. On Saturday, out of the blue she started texting me a bunch of "woe is me stuff," that she's stressed, broke, sorry she hasn't contacted me, school is starting, etc. I ignored her for awhile, partly because I was driving and running errands. She just kept going and going, and I finally told myself dude, yesterday was your father's funeral and this girl has been MIA, you don't need this nonsense. Eventually I texted her back asking "are you even vaguely aware that my father passed away," and proceeded to say this is not the time to vent her problems on me. She called me, I ignored. She called again and I answered. Weeks (and probably months) of stress poured out of me and I went off on her. I mean I really let her have it. She was completely on the defensive.

Ten minutes after the phone call she blocked me on all social media, and a friend reached out to me asking what happened, and proceeded to say that she's ranting about me (without naming me) on Facebook, and chose to use this very personal  moment in my life to make it all about her. Something to the effect of "when someone you care about's father dies you tell them before the fact, not the day after the funeral." She obviously left out the fact that she has been ignoring me for weeks, refuses to let me come to her city to visit her (we live 2 hours apart), canceling plans and bailing, telling me that she can't make me a priority and doesn't care what I do, and that she doesn't care about this relationship. Overall, just showing me complete lack of respect. However, when my father passes away she expects to be the first person I tell? I'm sorry, but that's ridiculous. She completely twisted this situation to be all about her. I texted her, calling her out, and she deflected everything rational that I said to tell me how horrible I am and that "we're done." "You'd have a better chance of getting back with me if you cheated." Etc., etc., etc.

All of my friends and family now know about what's going on, and absolutely everybody is telling me that I did the right thing and she's being completely unreasonable. I've even been in contact with her best friend, her right arm, and she agrees with me. I'm against side taking in relationships, but it feels very good knowing that she has my back here.

The fact that she can be so selfish right now is really getting to me. Had she been there for me over the past few weeks then she would have been made aware, but she has systematically been cutting me out of her life, or at least making me the lowest priority in her orbit. I haven't even seen her in the flesh since early December because she wouldn't come up here and refused to let me come down to see her. Do I have an obligation to tell her? No.

Ugh... .sorry, rant over. I really needed to get this one off my chest. What I'm witnessing right now is the ramblings of a completely self-absorbed and irrational BPD person. She's pretty upset, but if history is any guide I fully expect her to try again once her mind settles. This time, I think I'm done for good. If you made it this far, thanks for reading.

[Aesir]

This happened to me 5 years ago. My dad died unexpectedly (I found him) and I was devastated. Not one month later she was blaming and trying to start a argument. I basically told her shut up. It may have been wrong but I was in no shape for that BS. Now when her mom died 2 years later did I behave that way? No, I tried to support her the best way that I could. Big difference.

[In a bad way]

I had all the she's stressed BS.
First it was you will have to bare with me I always get stressed leading up to Christmas but after it everything will be back to normal I promise.
Then it was bare with me I'm always stressed in January getting over Christmas.
Then it was a woman has left work so I have to do extra work so bare with me.
Then a woman was going to be off work for two weeks so... .Yep you guessed it... Bare with me I will be stressed for a couple of weeks.
Then it was an inspection at work, the list goes on.
Guess who she took all the stress out on... .Me.

Wouldn't go out for a meal because too stressed, even though I said the whole point of the meal was to de-stress her.

Meanwhile I was stressed out because of her and no matter what I did to help her I either got the silent treatment or snapped and shouted at.
And my pleas for her to stop and telling her how much she hurt me didn't sink in, apart from the odd sorry. 

[burritoman]

I do genuinely feel bad for chewing her out. I'm not normally an angry of vengeful person, but given the way she's been treating me in addition to the things she's done to me in the past that I've overlooked, she definitely deserved it. That's not even why she's mad at me, she's mad because I didn't tell her my father passed away. Her sense of entitlement in the situation baffles me. She actually told me via text "This is far worse than anything I could've ever done to you," 'you make me want to puke," "this is unforgivable to me," the list goes on. Even more baffling is how she seemingly has no guilt or remorse for the things she's done. Like I said above, she disappeared on me, said she needed space (which I gave her), told me I can't be a priority, said she doesn't care what I do and doesn't care about the relationship, blew me off over the holiday season, said she'd call but wouldn't, ghosted me, but then mysteriously shows up the day after my father's funeral and expects things to be okay. She's pulled things like this in the past, just not as extreme. What kind of relationship does she expect this to be? Any time she gets stressed she can just disappear indefinitely and expect me to allow her back in with open arms? She claims this time she won't be back, but I expect her to. I don't think I can anymore, it's just too much. Even her best friend says it's unhealthy for me. On top of that, I have multiple friends and family members who are expressing genuine disdain for her and her actions and were supportive of me not telling her... .how can I take her back when she's been ostracized by my social/family circle?

All this said, part of the reason I didn't tell her in general is because I knew she'd create more stress at a time when I didn't need it. I still don't need it. She had the nerve to start drama less than 24 hours after his funeral, that says something. Whereas most healthy people who act this way would take a step back and say "I was a jackass, and this is what happens when I behave this way," she flips it around to say "how dare you!" Unreal.

[Soulcrushed4]

I am sorry for your loss, even if expected losing a loved one is emotional.

Your title sums it up. Completely insensitive and as the above posters indicated pretty typical.

With my BPD ex it was always about him as well... .and if heaven forbid it wasn't actually about him he would seemingly find a way to make it about him or create some new drama or chaos to shift the focus onto him either positive or negative.

I believe once he recognized a promotion or bonus I got at work and I believe in four years together it was the one and only time that he seemed to do something altruistic. Every other time he did things it became twisted into some way I failed him by either not reacting appropriately or not being appreciative enough or it got added to a laundry list of ways I had someone fallen short in not thanking him at the right time or in the right way or publicly enough. It got to the point that I dreaded receiving gifts or flowers or him taking me dinner or planning anything because I knew what the eventual consequences would be. Even the compliments he gave me no longer seem genuine as they weren't about me but rather about what he could get out of complimenting me if that makes sense?

Milestones like buying my home or throughout my pregnancy or the birth of our son or traumatic/stressful things became about him somehow. Or after I had wrist surgery he had to fake a heart attack - almost like if any attention was diverted elsewhere it was the last bit of oxygen in a room and he would suffocate.

I read so many posts on here with people's pain jumping off the screen and so many common themes of heartache and confusion.

I don't believe the audacity of the individuals with BPD will never make sense to those of us without BPD and I think that's part of what makes healing hard (at least for me) because it just does not make any sense. The double standards of how they expect to be treated vs how they treat others is truly mind boggling.

[Pretty Woman]

BurritoMan,
      They never change.

When my father was in the hospital and I was scared to death, my ex dumped me.

When my best friend from HS stopped talking to me because I "came out" and I was very depressed over it... .my ex dumped me.

When things were going bad at work and I was afraid of losing my job (due to the stress of this shytty relationship... .you guessed it... .my ex dumped me.

They are completely unable to read emotions. You would have to be a "doorknob" with zero emotion, a robot of sorts, to keep a relationship with a borderline going.

Are they selfish or is it the disorder? I used to think my ex was an a-hole. Now I see she is a very messed up person who does a-hole things as a result of the disorder.


The more we hate them the more it hurts US. They will not change. They are constantly in survival mode and their lives SUCK. We have the capacity to live long, happy enriching lives... .

without them.

Whether you dated one, or are a friend to one, it doesn't matter. It's still a very one-sided relationship with them using you to get their fix. It's not reciprocal. It's not healthy.

I do not hate my ex. I feel sorry for her and the people who are not strong enough to figure it out. The people who have no idea what BPD is and think they are the crazy ones.

I have learned to let go with compassion even though I was not treated with compassion when I was discarded.

My freedom, awareness and learned knowledge about BPD, how to spot and how to avoid it... .
that has been a reward.

[burritoman]

She has a long history of twisting situations to make them all about her. About a year and a half ago my father was diagnosed with lymphoma on top of his illness. It was a serious time, and it just so happened to be her birthday week. Initially she told me that she understands and I don't need to come down to see her because it's a family matter, that and her work won't be having a party and she won't be throwing one of her own. As the week went on I suddenly got a Facebook party invite from her. I told her that again I won't be coming down because of my father. The day of, she anxiously asked me "So you're NOT coming down?" I said no again because if all of the things listed above. After her birthday she began to pick fights about it and eventually used it as grounds to end the relationship. Unbelievably selfish. She said "EVERYBODY was asking where you were" and she was super embarrassed and hurt. I said well... .did you tell anybody that I was having a family situation? She couldn't really answer. We were "broken up" for all of a week before she was calling me crying begging to work things out. A few months after that she left me "for good," only to call me on Valentines Day three months later.

[FSTL]

Lots of triggers here... .

My BPDx always made it about her. I remember my therapist and I were talking and we were thinking that my BPDx and I shared one bit of common history about expectations from our parents. When I shared this with her, she would have none of it, insisting she was the bigger victim and it was all about her.

We sat there once for two minutes, almost with smiles on our faces, saying "I was hurt" and "you hurt me". It almost became a joke. She just had to be the bigger victim because it was about her.

On our last holiday, I spent two days comforting her about her anxieties and then for an hour (at most) I was upset about some bad news (and we went on to have a very big night of fun. She dumped me when I got home, claiming I had ruined the holiday because I was depressed. For an hour. Unlike her two days of crying over irrational issues.

They are hopeless at accepting any blame or responsibility in relationships and hate it when you show any of their weaknesses - they just feel everything so strongly, it overwhelms them.

[Aesir]

She has a long history of twisting situations to make them all about her. About a year and a half ago my father was diagnosed with lymphoma on top of his illness. It was a serious time, and it just so happened to be her birthday week. Initially she told me that she understands and I don't need to come down to see her because it's a family matter, that and her work won't be having a party and she won't be throwing one of her own. As the week went on I suddenly got a Facebook party invite from her. I told her that again I won't be coming down because of my father. The day of, she anxiously asked me "So you're NOT coming down?" I said no again because if all of the things listed above. After her birthday she began to pick fights about it and eventually used it as grounds to end the relationship. Unbelievably selfish. She said "EVERYBODY was asking where you were" and she was super embarrassed and hurt. I said well... .did you tell anybody that I was having a family situation? She couldn't really answer. We were "broken up" for all of a week before she was calling me crying begging to work things out. A few months after that she left me "for good," only to call me on Valentines Day three months later.

Amen.  I couldn't confide in my ex because I knew she would turn it into something about herself. Sometimes it would start a full on tirade. It was a mess.