Blood boiling

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Livednlearned,
Maybe the cleanse?

Partly it was me staying clear on what had to be done. Partly, it was keying in to what my xw wanted to hear - that she was bearing too much burden of hauling kids to school, that her business was taking off because of the free time she always wanted and deserved but never got and that it wouldn't harm the kids. She even remarked a few times that she's asked the boys if they are okay at my house, and "they seem to enjoy their time there, which I don't get but ... .(shoulder shrug)"

She is pretty full of herself, so playing to that helped convince her this was a benefit. She complained about having no weekend time but didn't ask for more. The hours I lost on Sunday was the sacrificial concession to the altar of her ego. I don't think she really wants the weekend time; it's more a matter of "fairness".

[takingandsending]

Livednlearned,
Maybe the cleanse?

Partly it was me staying clear on what had to be done. Partly, it was keying in to what my xw wanted to hear - that she was bearing too much burden of hauling kids to school, that her business was taking off because of the free time she always wanted and deserved but never got and that it wouldn't harm the kids. She even remarked a few times that she's asked the boys if they are okay at my house, and "they seem to enjoy their time there, which I don't get but ... .(shoulder shrug)"

She is pretty full of herself, so playing to that helped convince her this was a benefit. She complained about having no weekend time but didn't ask for more. The hours I lost on Sunday was the sacrificial concession to the altar of her ego. I don't think she really wants the weekend time; it's more a matter of "fairness".

[ForeverDad]

Courts are used to alternate weekends in the schedules.  It works for most families and is an almost universal provision.  However, there are exceptions such as for those who get time off during the week to compensate for working on weekends, emergency workers and similar professions.  So if the court questions you getting most of the weekends then simply state this is a schedule that is agreeable for the parents.  Understand that later if she wants the usual alternate weekends then court may be okay with adjusting the schedule for that.  Just remember that if weekends do change alternate weekends do not have to be a full three day weekend.

Probably have a provision that if you need to take the kids for an entire weekend such as to visit out of town family and other trips and events, then make provision for it, such as one allowed variation per month with advance notice and that time be traded for it.  For example, many holidays are on Mondays.  Imagine having the children the first part of the weekend then exchanging them for her Sunday time and then getting them back when your holiday time starts Sunday evening or Monday morning.  That's a lot of back and forth.

Also make sure holidays and vacations are clearly defined for notice, exchanges and the other parent's level of contact with the children during such times.  (Because my ex complained to the magistrate, the order was changed from "reasonable telephone contact" to daily phone contact between 8:00 to 8:30 pm.  That was a hardship when there were movies, evening religious events, vacations out of cell range, etc.  After about 4 years of that the court listened and returned to less strict requirements.)  Be aware that typical defaults in the usual boilerplate such as "reasonable telephone contact" and "mutually agreed exchange locations" can become headaches with an uncooperative parent who will do anything and everything to find a way to sabotage.

[livednlearned]

Maybe the cleanse?

 

She is pretty full of herself, so playing to that helped convince her this was a benefit. She complained about having no weekend time but didn't ask for more. The hours I lost on Sunday was the sacrificial concession to the altar of her ego. I don't think she really wants the weekend time; it's more a matter of "fairness".

I think you're right. It will be interesting to see if she is one of the BPD mamas who end up taking less time than what is on paper.

You're an old hand at this by now  so probably don't need reminding to document actual custodial time, just in case you need to show evidence at some point.

[takingandsending]

Hopefully one of the last mediation sessions today.

xBPDw said she never agreed to 6 overnight/8 overnight split, proceeded to agree to it for the summer schedule and is supposed to provide her position on school schedule. She did agree to one additional overnight a month on school schedule - just not the two additional nights a month I requested. I will follow up to mediator and xw and place a deadline on that position.

Also argued over my refusal to split payments for a vacuum cleaner that she bought 4 months before I stated I wanted divorce and remains with her at house along with pretty much everything else. I am not continuing to pay for something she bought on installment that she possesses, and no, my name is not on the credit card it was purchased on.

I will talk to my L about it on Thursday. I will also talk to L about no visibility into income she has made, imputing wage for child support calculation, and for need to involve a child specialist in the process.

On the plus side, I get the Christmas decorations ... .because she hates Christmas. Surprised she didn't ask me to take the Halloween decorations, too, because she also hates Halloween. She pretty much hates all holidays that children typically enjoy. Oh, and she uncorked this beauty during the session (I really should record these) - this one was related to schedule on kids' birthdays: "It's only fair that I spend part of each child's birthday with them. They came from my body. It's honoring their birth, and it's honoring me." Yes, clearly, one thinks of honoring the mother that bore the child on their birthdays just because ... .well, it is her due. By rights, we should have been letting her blow out the candles and serving her the first piece of cake all these years. At least she remembered the first bit about the kids. 

[ForeverDad]

When I was in mediation way back in 2006, my entitled ex said mothers always get the kids in her 'culture' (the Hispanic island that may become the 51st state).  The mediator immediately shot that one down, "We're not there, we're here in the USA."

It is almost universal that holidays are alternated as the year progresses and then the next year the holidays are switched to the opposite parent.  Now, if she wants to have her own separate observance, that's okay.  I hear kids don't mind if they get two birthday parties.  Wise to stick to the holiday schedules used by your county or state.  Just be sure to strike out the holidays neither of you observe, to reduce obstruction by future surprises.

[david]

I wrote the holiday schedule that the judge used since ex's was lacking a lot of holidays. My holiday schedule treated both parents the same. I just switched from year to year. I also looked at the calendar and made sure custodial time did not have consecutive holidays for either parent. I also took into account the extended holidays, Thanksgiving, Christmas, and Easter, which don't always have an even number of days. I rotated the additional day year to year. I used the boys school calendar to cover all the school holidays and regular days off.
I would have preferred splitting Christmas in half. If it were 10 days then one parent had the first 5 days and the other took the last five days and it switched the following year. Ex made a big deal about that so we settled with one parent getting Christmas eve and the other parent getting Christmas day starting at noon. That switched year to year. It made more pick ups during those times and that was why I wanted to just divide it in half. It's funny because ex took that as a win for her and she always mentions it in her emails when we have to do those holidays.

[takingandsending]

david,

I actually followed a bit of one of your posts on holidays to put into our parent plan. We alternate holidays each year, but I have accepted both of us spending time with the kids on their actual birth days. I have been there for all of my sons' birthdays. My xw has as well, except for 2 years ago when she chose to skip S11's (the painted black son) to go to see Oprah for a "life changing" experience. Not to denigrate Oprah - she has done many very good things for many people, but curing BPD in a 3 hour Live Your Best Life presentation is not one of them. 

[flourdust]

My xw has as well, except for 2 years ago when she chose to skip S11's (the painted black son) to go to see Oprah for a "life changing" experience. Not to denigrate Oprah - she has done many very good things for many people, but curing BPD in a 3 hour Live Your Best Life presentation is not one of them. 

Wow. Did she at least get a car?

[insideout77]

. Oh, and she uncorked this beauty during the session (I really should record these) - this one was related to schedule on kids' birthdays: "It's only fair that I spend part of each child's birthday with them. They came from my body. It's honoring their birth, and it's honoring me." Yes, clearly, one thinks of honoring the mother that bore the child on their birthdays just because ... .well, it is her due. By rights, we should have been letting her blow out the candles and serving her the first piece of cake all these years. At least she remembered the first bit about the kids. 

Oh my , I thought I was the only one who got that  . Crazy sense of entitlement, u can't make it up!

[david]

My ex says some of the most amazing things too. I used to question if she really believed what she was saying because nobody would say some of the things she said and really mean it. I used to think she was being sarcastic at times. I stopped trying to figure them out but they are great conversation pieces with my friends. I am not the only one she says things to.
I found out a few weeks ago she was going to her sons house to visit. His wife just had a baby. He told her to come around 5:30 so she could eat dinner with him and his wife. She didn't show and he called and texted her multiple times. She showed up around 10:30 and her excuse was that she was up all night crocheting an outfit for the newborn. Her son took a picture of the outfit and it showed up on Targets website. She insisted she was telling the truth and her son told her she was a f***ing liar. She has disappointed him so much in the last few years I think that may have been the final straw for him.

[takingandsending]

Hmmm, david. You are seeing the other side of this. I actually don't find it too funny when the goofy stuff xw says is hurtful to our children. I hope your son protects himself with necessary boundaries. How crummy that at a time of great change, celebration and also need in his life, she failed him and shifted the blame on to her grandchild. Really sad.

[david]

My ex ran away in 2007. We divorced in late 2010. That was a while ago. My life is much better now. I do remember those early years and how upset I would get. I look back now and laugh at the crazy things she did. They are war stories now.
My SS and I are getting together this friday and I expect he will be talking to me about the things his mom has been doing the last two months. He is a nurse so I can talk clinically to him about her mental health. Still, it is difficult to deal with it when you are so close. It is much easier when it is a patient that you will see for a few days and no more.
I've had 10 years to adapt to the reality of it all.
Ex has alienated quite a few people in the last few years. I, sometimes, expect her to finally "get it" and have that light bulb moment. Our oldest just moved in with me because he couldn't take her anymore. Our youngest is 14 and I may have to go back to court if things get out if hand at her place. I am waiting it out. He has a pretty good head on his shoulder and sees things more clear than his older brothers. He has no expectations about his mom. He actually helped me see the futility of trying to reason with her.