re-integrating with my family

[professorplum]

This is my first post here. My wife of 25 years has mild BPD, meaning that she doesn't act out sexually or try to seriously harm herself physically, but just about every Saturday or Sunday she needs to pick a fight with me that devolves into hours of talking about how I fail her, how I don't value her, how I "never" do certain beneficial things and "always" do certain harmful things. 

The events which trigger these discussions are almost universally trivial, but I get caught between the text and the context, arguing why things really aren't that big of a deal, then getting in trouble for not validating her feelings.  Etc. etc.  I'm sure you've heard this all before. 

Anyway, I've come to be able to deal with these episodes a little more effectively.  They are only really bad when she is under a large amount of other stress, and then they can eat up an entire day, both from the hours-long discussion and then from my exhaustion afterwards.   

The issue I'm having is that my parents have also observed this behavior, often on family vacations, where some small event triggers a major emotional reaction from my wife.  Over the years, they have distanced themselves from her more and more.  But apart from the BPD my wife is loving, supportive, clever, creative, funny - a real gem of a person.  And we have children and she has been a great mother to them.  I value my relationship with her and I don't want it to end. 

I think my parents would continue to go on seeing us, pretending everything was ok to our face, but then bad mouthing my wife to the small town we grew up in.  But I don't like that solution - I want them, especially my mom, to stop talking about my wife behind her back.  But when I brought this up my mom essentially stopped communicating with me.  And it has been about three years now. 

My wife would never accept that she has BPD.  It has been suggested before, and she flat out refused to even consider it.  And I wouldn't want people meeting her to be biased against her, so it is essentially a secret between me and my therapist.  It is a very lonely feeling. 

anyway, just wanted to say hi and to see how other people have handled the situation of trying to get the rest of their family to deal most productively with a BPD spouse.  Thanks for your answers, and thanks for the interesting posts here.   

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Tattered Heart]

I kind of experienced a similar situation. Over the years my husband who used to be fun with my family began to be sulky, jealous, and uninterested in being around them. I was also struggling a lot as he was going through the worst years of BPD dysregulation every couple of days. I was embarassed and didn't know what to do. I knew that my H was trying to push my family away and I was tired of making up excuses for him. So I told them the general idea of what was going on. My H has no clue that I told them as my family is very private about mental health matters.

I sent an email to my mom and sisters explaining that I believe my husband has BPD. I sent a link to a youtube video describing a little about BPD and then I briefly explained how BPD was manifesting in my husband. I did not drag his name through the mud. I explained that I wanted them to know why he seems different than he used to and also why it's hard for me to commit to visiting at times. I asked them to keep things private and to not bring it up to my husband because I did not want him to be embarassed in front of them. It has gone relatively well. Perhaps something like this would help your family. If your mom violates that and shares it with the rest of town then you know that your mom has boundary issues and should not be trusted with private information. A conversation about that should take place.

[Lockjaw]

Not BPD, but I have a somewhat strained relationship with my parents. I hear things like I shouldn't spank the boys. Or whatever else I do they don't like.

When my oldest son turned 6, I think, I was going to give him a semi-automatic 22 for his birthday. My parents were going to come over from another state and spend the night, but were unhappy with the birthday present. My dad called and said that he and mom talked and said they decided if I gave my son the 22, they were not going to come over.

So I said, " Dad, I respect your position, I have discussed this with my wife and she has no problems with it, so I am sure my son will be disappointed not to see you on his birthday. He is my son, and I will raise him the way I feel like raising him. I will always listen to your opinion, but at the end of the day, I am accountable to God for how he is raised, not to you".

The jist of my story is the issue in my case, and in yours lies with your parents. You are grown, and you saw a behavior you didn't like and asked them to stop. The choice about the direction the relationship took was hers/theirs. It's not your problem to fix it. I think you can be nice and say "I miss talking with you", but you set your boundary with them, and you need to keep it. In my view.

I don't talk to my parents like I used to. They don't get me. They think they can raise my children so much better, yet I would love to see them do it by themself, and work a full time job too. Then deal with traffic, homework, dinner, baths, etc.

[professorplum]

Tattered heart, thank you for the reply.  I think your solution is a good one where it can work, and I'm glad it seems to be working.  I don't really trust my mother to treat the news about my wife's BPD with either tact or discretion.  She can't keep a secret to save her life, and I think it would only add fuel to the fire of her basic distrust of my wife. 

I may just have to resign myself to being split from my family.  It makes me feel sad, but I'm devoted to taking care of my wife, even if they don't understand it. 

[mmcnulty]

Your wife is going to be emotionally unhealthy and make that a huge part of your life regardless of what your parents do.  How long do you think you can play the role of savior/martyr?

[livednlearned]

Anyway, I've come to be able to deal with these episodes a little more effectively.

Nice 

They are only really bad when she is under a large amount of other stress, and then they can eat up an entire day, both from the hours-long discussion and then from my exhaustion afterwards. 

 

Hours-long discussion followed by exhaustion sounds trying. What happens when you try to allot a limited amount of time to these topics?

I think my parents would continue to go on seeing us, pretending everything was ok to our face, but then bad mouthing my wife to the small town we grew up in.  But I don't like that solution - I want them, especially my mom, to stop talking about my wife behind her back.  But when I brought this up my mom essentially stopped communicating with me.  And it has been about three years now. 

Do you live in the same town with your parents?

Does your mom not communicate with you about anything, or is it just your wife?

My wife would never accept that she has BPD.  It has been suggested before, and she flat out refused to even consider it.  And I wouldn't want people meeting her to be biased against her, so it is essentially a secret between me and my therapist.  It is a very lonely feeling. 

I understand. When you can see so clearly what the problem is and don't have anyone else to talk to, it feels very isolating, like you say.

anyway, just wanted to say hi and to see how other people have handled the situation of trying to get the rest of their family to deal most productively with a BPD spouse. 

What is your mom like?