he says he doesn't love me

[tree life]

Hi all,

My BPD boyfriend says he admires me deeply but he doesn't love me.

This hurts me deeply. How do you reply to this?

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PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Tattered Heart]

That would be very painful to hear. Unfortunately his words are saying a lot. My response would be, "That hurts my feelings, but I cannot change the way you feel. Perhaps we should begin considering the future of our relationship."

Then you will need to make some decision for yourself. Is he being serious or just emotional when he says it?  Do you want to live wtih someone who doesn't love you? Is that ok for you? Why would you want to stay with someone who says he doesn't love you? What do you need to do to honor yourself?

[isilme]

This can be a common refrain for pwBPD, to love you but not "be in love with" you.  I think overall it's a protective pushing you away, while at the same time not wanting you to go.  If you haven't done so, try reading "I Hate You Don't Leave Me". 

Also, realize that BPD does not go away.  It can lessen in its overall effects, but it's still there, just like any other chronic condition, like a physical ailment like diabetes.  So this may come up again, at a time when he feels he needs to push you away from being too close.  Can you handle that?  Can you live with it knowing that he will most likely say/do hurtful things when his emotions are dysregulated and then later may or may not even apologize?  Because that IS part of choosing to stay. 

[Mutt]

Hi tree life,



I'd like to join Tattered Heart and Islime and welcome you to  bpdfamily. I'm sorry to hear that. Is your bf diagnosed with BPD?

[tree life]

Thanks a lot for your answers! It really helps me.
I have decided to take distance from him definitely after trying my best for a long while.
He told me that by email. (We don't live together).

I have decided not even to reply to show to him and to myself that for the very first time I am really able to stop carrying on the communication with him finally to protect myself. I really need to take distance and to change the endless radical pattern love/hate. I feel weird and guilty for not replying to him by email anymore. But another side of me thinks it is important he understands the consequences of his words pushing me away this way.

But, in any moment we could bump into each other in the street and I feel if the conditions are right I can tell him in that occasion what you, Tattered Heart, kindly suggested.

Would you recommend me to do another thing in instead? I really want to hear from you!