Navigating without map or compass

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Hello the forum,

I'm not entirely certain where to begin so I guess I'll just start typing and see where this goes... .

I have been married to my SO for 16 years, friends for almost 20.
She is an adult survivor of child abuse at the hands of a narcissistic mother.
The abuse was mostly emotional - some physical - and continues to this day.

Currently, we're separated and have been for 5 months.
The separation was her idea.  After one of our (many) fights, she screamed she wanted a divorce.  Then backpedaled and asked for a separation.
I had hoped the separation would calm things down so, reluctantly, I moved out and into a small apartment.

Since moving out, I took the Dr. Fisher "Rebuilding When Your Relationship Ends" course.  Before starting the course, I sat down with the counselor instructor - talked about me and we agreed the course would be of help.  But after 5 minutes of discussing my SO, the counselor told me more about my SO than I was telling the counselor.  When I asked how she was able to do it, she suggested I research BPD.

I did a lot of online research (which I didn't take much stock in, honestly).
Then I started watching YouTube presentations done by doctors from schools I actually recognized.
Afterwards, I did more talking with the counselor.
Then read "Stop Walking On Eggshells".
Checking the criteria for BPD, my SO is a perfect 9 out of 9.
So while the BPD is undiagnosed, there is little doubt in my mind that is what she is dealing with.

My SO and I tried marriage counseling but that failed last week when the counselor recommended we divorce.
I could probably start another entire thread on that - but suffice it to say the counselor seemed to be "taking sides" and I was odd man out.
So it was back from a separation to a divorce.

Looking back over our life together, I was crushed.
Yes, I had made mistakes over the course of our marriage
No, I had not been the perfect husband.
But I had worked so hard.

Over the years, my SO had withdrawn further and further.  In every way possible.
She constantly told me I was a Bad Person.
And that everything lacking in our relationship was my fault.
And if only I was [fill in the blank] things would be better.
That was her lever - she told me constantly I did not get [X] out of our marriage because I was a Bad Person and did not deserve it.

For years and years I worked on her marital "tick sheet" (I'm a man... .I fix things).
And after years of work, she was running out of items on the list to throw at me.
So it turned into "well, you used to do that" - or "you trained me to expect this".
That was followed by a tirade on even though I handled the situation perfectly, I was still going to be punished because she figured I was going to Be Bad.
The examples she uses to justify this by now are 8, 10 or even 12+ years old - but they are the basis for her keeping me labeled as a Bad Person so she continues to use them.

So here we are.
Staring at divorce.

A few days ago, I finally admitted to myself I could not make her seek treatment for BPD.
The upside being she knows about her mother's narcissism, her abuse and that something is indeed wrong.
She has said many times she is "too broken to fix" - perhaps this might give her hope?
She might see this is something that can be treated and that healing is possible?
Or, if not, at least her next relationship would not follow the same path.

She didn't agree with me on all the symptoms of BPD she exhibits.  But she did admit she no doubt has BPD.
And that she needs treatment.  And at some nebulous point in time she probably will seek help.
But not now, not today.
Today she is, "too broken to be in a relationship".
Further she cannot trust me or forgive me for past transgressions.
So we should divorce.

My SO said she wanted to remain friends - since I knew the story behind her narcissistic mother and her past troubles and such.
Our relationship for years has lacked any kind of physical or emotional intimacy.  Save one thing.
She comes to me when she needs to complain and unload about her terrible family and how unfair life in general is.
From my standpoint, she wants me to continue on in that role.

I told her that our friendship would not survive a divorce.
That I had said for years that I would stand by her until I was put in the ground.
Whatever she needed to work through all her emotional issues, I would do and I would support her.
But now she wants to toss me aside and only dust me off when she needs to complain... .
And after years and years of work I did changing and improving and trying desperately to make myself acceptable to her... .
... .I'm extremely hurt that this is all I am to her or can be.

So now she is mad.
She has reached out a few times - a text here, an email there.
But I just can't seem to bring myself to respond to her.

Am I fulfilling her vision?
Am I a Bad Person?
I don't want to be mean to her - I really don't.
But I see this new relationship as markedly one-sided.

As I said, I don't want to be mean to her.
But I can't bring myself to respond to her reaching out either.

I'm already lost and confused in this new world.
Sailing without map or compass.
I pushed away my family for her - my friends - I'm alone.
And now I'm dumping all this on an internet message board looking for answers.

Pathetic?  Could be... .  But this is the best place I have right now.

So... .thoughts?

[AlwaysCoffee]

Hello the forum,

I'm not entirely certain where to begin so I guess I'll just start typing and see where this goes... .

I have been married to my SO for 16 years, friends for almost 20.
She is an adult survivor of child abuse at the hands of a narcissistic mother.
The abuse was mostly emotional - some physical - and continues to this day.

Currently, we're separated and have been for 5 months.
The separation was her idea.  After one of our (many) fights, she screamed she wanted a divorce.  Then backpedaled and asked for a separation.
I had hoped the separation would calm things down so, reluctantly, I moved out and into a small apartment.

Since moving out, I took the Dr. Fisher "Rebuilding When Your Relationship Ends" course.  Before starting the course, I sat down with the counselor instructor - talked about me and we agreed the course would be of help.  But after 5 minutes of discussing my SO, the counselor told me more about my SO than I was telling the counselor.  When I asked how she was able to do it, she suggested I research BPD.

I did a lot of online research (which I didn't take much stock in, honestly).
Then I started watching YouTube presentations done by doctors from schools I actually recognized.
Afterwards, I did more talking with the counselor.
Then read "Stop Walking On Eggshells".
Checking the criteria for BPD, my SO is a perfect 9 out of 9.
So while the BPD is undiagnosed, there is little doubt in my mind that is what she is dealing with.

My SO and I tried marriage counseling but that failed last week when the counselor recommended we divorce.
I could probably start another entire thread on that - but suffice it to say the counselor seemed to be "taking sides" and I was odd man out.
So it was back from a separation to a divorce.

Looking back over our life together, I was crushed.
Yes, I had made mistakes over the course of our marriage
No, I had not been the perfect husband.
But I had worked so hard.

Over the years, my SO had withdrawn further and further.  In every way possible.
She constantly told me I was a Bad Person.
And that everything lacking in our relationship was my fault.
And if only I was [fill in the blank] things would be better.
That was her lever - she told me constantly I did not get [X] out of our marriage because I was a Bad Person and did not deserve it.

For years and years I worked on her marital "tick sheet" (I'm a man... .I fix things).
And after years of work, she was running out of items on the list to throw at me.
So it turned into "well, you used to do that" - or "you trained me to expect this".
That was followed by a tirade on even though I handled the situation perfectly, I was still going to be punished because she figured I was going to Be Bad.
The examples she uses to justify this by now are 8, 10 or even 12+ years old - but they are the basis for her keeping me labeled as a Bad Person so she continues to use them.

So here we are.
Staring at divorce.

A few days ago, I finally admitted to myself I could not make her seek treatment for BPD.
The upside being she knows about her mother's narcissism, her abuse and that something is indeed wrong.
She has said many times she is "too broken to fix" - perhaps this might give her hope?
She might see this is something that can be treated and that healing is possible?
Or, if not, at least her next relationship would not follow the same path.

She didn't agree with me on all the symptoms of BPD she exhibits.  But she did admit she no doubt has BPD.
And that she needs treatment.  And at some nebulous point in time she probably will seek help.
But not now, not today.
Today she is, "too broken to be in a relationship".
Further she cannot trust me or forgive me for past transgressions.
So we should divorce.

My SO said she wanted to remain friends - since I knew the story behind her narcissistic mother and her past troubles and such.
Our relationship for years has lacked any kind of physical or emotional intimacy.  Save one thing.
She comes to me when she needs to complain and unload about her terrible family and how unfair life in general is.
From my standpoint, she wants me to continue on in that role.

I told her that our friendship would not survive a divorce.
That I had said for years that I would stand by her until I was put in the ground.
Whatever she needed to work through all her emotional issues, I would do and I would support her.
But now she wants to toss me aside and only dust me off when she needs to complain... .
And after years and years of work I did changing and improving and trying desperately to make myself acceptable to her... .
... .I'm extremely hurt that this is all I am to her or can be.

So now she is mad.
She has reached out a few times - a text here, an email there.
But I just can't seem to bring myself to respond to her.

Am I fulfilling her vision?
Am I a Bad Person?
I don't want to be mean to her - I really don't.
But I see this new relationship as markedly one-sided.

As I said, I don't want to be mean to her.
But I can't bring myself to respond to her reaching out either.

I'm already lost and confused in this new world.
Sailing without map or compass.
I pushed away my family for her - my friends - I'm alone.
And now I'm dumping all this on an internet message board looking for answers.

Pathetic?  Could be... .  But this is the best place I have right now.

So... .thoughts?

[ynwa]

Hey Always,

You started in the right place, and you were clear as a bell. It's no easy thing to deal with a loved one when they trait towards BPD.  You have been resilient and strong despite the challenges.  And you are being honest. Divorce is a scary and heavy idea. 

You aren't alone.  You will get through this.  We here on this board, have simliar stories and can support you and answer questions. Use this time to detach from your loved one and give yourself some space,mix not physically but mentally.

ynwa.

[Larmoyant]

Hi AlwaysCoffee, I’d like to join ynwa in welcoming you to BPD Family  . You’ve found a great place for understanding and support and we can help you wade through the confusion. Your story is all so familiar, your wife’s inability to be pleased is a common problem around here. It seems that no matter what we do or how hard we try it’s never enough. I’ve heard it described as trying to fill up a bucket with a hole, impossible. It reflects their painful feelings, but it’s not your responsibility to fill that void for them and as you know you’ll only suffer trying to.

It sounds as if you’re being hard on yourself. You’re most definitely not pathetic nor a bad person for not reaching out to her. There comes a time when we have to start looking out for ourselves or else risk our own health and sanity. Giving yourself space and time to think everything through is a good step in the right direction.

You mention she’s reached out to you a few times. What’s she saying?

[AlwaysCoffee]

Thanks so much ynwa & Larmoyant 

It's difficult to figure out when I'm making sense to myself - I've spent so long in BPDWorld that direction seems to have become relative.  Relative to what, I have no clue... . 

As for what my SO is saying, I suppose the best analogy would be "things you would say to an everyday friend".  I got a text this past Saturday with a simple "how's it going?".  Then on Sunday she forwarded an email to me she had sent at work with some clever puns - attaching a note saying she knew with my sense of humor I would appreciate the jokes.

Today I got a phone call (I was driving so didn't answer).
Got home - received a text asking if I was okay.
I am trying to be civil so I kept it simple replying, "Fine - you?"
She replied, "I'm good.  You have just been really quiet the past few days and wanted to make sure you were okay" followed by "I figured I would have gotten a response to my email."

We can't legally file for divorce for 7 months (state law - must be separated 1 year) - so I would like to keep things civil until we're divorced.  But I was clear I had no interest in maintaining a friendship with her.  Today I had a burst of insight as to why... .the marriage has been one-sided for years, why exchange that for a one-sided friendship?

I can't decide if I'm being petty - selfish - self-preserving - sensible - a combination of all of these - or even doing the proper thing at all.
I need to seek out a therapist to help me navigate all of this... .
... .but how do I handle things in the meanwhile?

[ynwa]

I can't decide if I'm being petty - selfish - self-preserving - sensible - a combination of all of these - or even doing the proper thing at all.
I need to seek out a therapist to help me navigate all of this... .
... .but how do I handle things in the meanwhile?

Always,  what's wrong with being a combination?  I know there are articles and workshops that will help you out. There is a section on the board that deals with the legal aspects as well.

There is no set way to deal with this. All I'm trying to do is one day at a time, making plans as I can with friends and not expecting anything from anyone including myself.  I'm struggling being out of work waiting for shoulder surgery, so I have a ton of free time, which is good and bad.  Time to think, but i can't always physically get out there and do new things.  I can't really go to the gym.

But.  It's making me see that I am stronger by far than I thought.  I'm struggling a bit with no contact and detaching.

But you sound like you have good boundaries and have dealt with your situation as best you can.