Help with no contact of my BPD boyfriend

[BlueKentuckyGirl]

I'm finally taking a step hopefully in the right direction with my BPD boyfriend and letting him go after 3 miserable years together but I need support and words of encouragement. As dysfunctional as this relationship has been unfortunately I've become co dependent and why I don't know he's abusive verbally and physically and recently he grabbed the steering wheel while I was driving with my special needs daughter in the back seat and it was by the grace of God I was able to dodge the telephone pole I was heading for. I do love him or maybe it was the idea of him he first portrayed himself to be when we met . I know that I feel extremely depressed with the no contact but if I don't stick with it I'm gonna be back in the same miserable mess again. He has cheated on me in our relationship he always will say he is going to get help then a day or so later he says that he wil not go because meds don't work well of course they don't if you don't take them. I have got to get help myself for all the horrific words he has said about me and my family. My family cannot stand him as he has showed up at my house because I would not answer my phone he kicked my door in another time he broke my back glass in my car my family has called the police on him twice but why do I still feel like a moth to a flame ... .someone please shed some light on how this 53 ur old man that's had 3 failed marriages and his kids want nothing to do with him will never change. I've seen him get progressively worse and now I'm
At the point that I've literally had to defend myself physically against him. I need constant reminders of what a horrible person he is and how he lures his victims n  with charm and his charisma only to suck the life out of me.

[vortex of confusion]

Welcome to the forums!

My first thought when I read your post was, "Are you safe?"

Did you break up with him or did he break up with you? Sometimes, people keep going back to bad situations because it is easier than the alternative of having to set boundaries and take a chance on getting physically or mentally hurt even worse than you have been.

What did you get out of being with this man?

I am sure some of the other members will come along soon and have some better advice and words of wisdom. I know what it is like to be in that place of knowing that you are done but are still drawn to this person even though you know darn good and well that they are no good for you.

 

[BlueKentuckyGirl]

It's been a see saw effect with breaking up but after he endangered my daughters life with the almost causing a fatal car crash I told him that was it I was done. Of course he starts apologizing profusely saying he didn't mean it blah blah blah... .I heard the same story from him a million and one times. I want to hate him but I hate nobody but I'm so bitter I allowed myself to buy in to his I'm sorry and I'll get help after all his episodes. To say he is a master manipulator is an understatement. I know he will never get help he's had too many chances and will not seek help. As to the question what did he do for me in our relationship nothing absolutely nothing ... .the only positive thing he had going for him was he was good to my daughter with special needs but that was all and act because he tried his best to cause a horrible car accident and he endangered her life as well as mine.  I firmly believe he loves his mental illness and he gets off hurting me .

[mmcnulty]

How many more times can you and your kids survive this Russian roulette, and is it worth the risk?  Actions have consequences.

[lovenature]

Welcome BlueKentuckyGirl

Sorry to hear what you have been through, you are among people here who understand.
Best for you to bite the bullet and go total NC if you can, the pain is excruciating but it does get better with time, although recovery isn't linear and best if you can feel your emotions and then let them go.
You will find that the further out you get the clearer things become, painful but easier to detach.
Keep reading and learning; I found the more I learned about BPD, the more helpful it was and easier to stay NC. Have you read "Stop walking on egg shells"?
When you are ready, shift the focus to you and learn why you want to be with someone who hurts you, we can help with book recommendations and advice when the time is right for you.
Take care.