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Faith914

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 3


« on: January 18, 2017, 11:25:03 PM »

Hello. I just finished reading two books. The first was Stop Caretaking the Borderline Narcissict and the second was Stop Walking on Eggshells. I felt like they both explained my life for the past three years. I just recently started setting boundaries with my ex (and actually sticking to them). It's terrifying. Ive become almost obsessive reading and researching everything I can about BPD, NPD, alcoholisim (he was just admitted for his 2nd time last night to rehab) codependency and caretaking. It's taken me over a year, but I've finally gotten to a place where I've established limited contact. I feel like it's taken everything I have to get here, and start sticking to boundaries. I know logically that we should go total No Contact, but Im still scared to completely let go. I'm heartbroken. I wanted him to be healthy so bad, that I wasn't respecting his right to live his own life and make his own choices. I logically know this. Emotionally I'm still struggling. It's lonely feeling like no one else understands how difficult this, even if you know that's not true.
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Larmoyant
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« Reply #1 on: January 18, 2017, 11:48:52 PM »

Hi Faith914, welcome to BPD Family   I understand completely the heartbreak and fear of completely letting go as do many of us here. We understand. It took me a long, long time to get to the point where I decided to go total No Contact. As you say it’s a heartbreaking struggle and we battle all sorts of emotions. What helped was reaching out to people who get it just as you’re doing. We can help you work your way through it. Can you tell us a little more about what's been happening? 
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CrossroadsGuyMn

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 31


« Reply #2 on: January 19, 2017, 07:49:09 AM »

Hi there Faith914.

You made a wise choice joining this board.  I have only been here a few days, but by reading and interacting here, it has helped me to give honest consideration to my situation, my mental and physical health.  It has kept the issues in front of me.  I can not hide from them.

From what I've seen thus far, people on here listen a lot, comment their own thoughts and experiences but I've yet to see any judgement.  Even when I read one post where it seemed like someone would judge... .they didn't.  That made me feel safe posting here.

So as Larmoyant said... .Welcome... .We understand.

I will also add, that most on here can do more than sympathize, we can empathize.  We have not walked in your exact shoes, but many of our paths have been in the same direction, with the same trips and falls.

You are not alone... .



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mmcnulty
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Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: ready to remarry non BPD
Posts: 157



« Reply #3 on: January 19, 2017, 07:57:24 AM »

You've been traumatized.  Accept help from others of us who have also been traumatized.  We want you to be safe and happy.
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Faith914

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 3


« Reply #4 on: January 19, 2017, 09:26:39 PM »

Thankyou for the kind words. I appreciate everyone taking the time to respond so quickly. My relationship with my ex lasted close to 4 years. For the first two years I was in a fog. I had fallen in love with my friend. I knew that he lied "sometimes" and POSSIBLY drank too much and that he was a little impulsive, but I thought that was just because he had ADHD. His acting out was much more subtle at first. He'd get upset with me if I didn't like something he did, so he might give me the silent treatment or sulk and say that I was too critical and he could never do anything right. Over the past few years his ways of acting out have escalated, along with his drinking. Not only was everything always my fault (never his) but if I even criticized his behavior in any way it could send him into rage. It got so bad that I told him that I felt like he was two different people. I started calling them #1 and #2. We were truly in an enmeshed relationship. The quality of my life and the majority of all my thoughts revolved around him and what he was thinking, saying or doing. And I was always to blame... .for everything wrong in his life. He'd punch holes in walls (one time he thought he broke his hand) and then would do things like text me a picture of the hole and say, "Look what you made me do." He'd punch and hit himself and tell me that he was punishing himself (if I was upset with him). He'd make suicidal comments and then turn his phone off so that I couldn't reach out and check on him. With each cycle... .each time he screamed at me, called me names, blamed me, etc etc  I started to become more and more depressed. I thought I was going insane and questioned my sanity at one point. I kept trying so hard to "fix" my relationship with him, regardless of what he said or did. I didn't feel like I could let him go. It even got to the point where he'd say, "Go ahead and leave. You know you'll be back." We broke up and got back together so many times I can't even count. Neither of us took the other leaving seriously. Within a couple weeks we would be talking again, and those intense feelings of attraction would immediately resurface. But over the years the honeymoon phase, each time we would cycle, started to become shorter and shorter. His drinking got worse and so did the frequency and intensity of his acting out. I started to become afraid of him and his rages. He was unpredictable, so I had to always be on guard. I stopped sharing my feelings, and started making an effort to be around him less and less. This has slowly eroded away at any closeness or intimacy I felt with him at the beginning of our relationship. I used to cherish every second I had with this man who was intelligent and charming and my friend. I adored him and gave him my heart. The first time he went to rehab, I ended up taking him to go see his counselor because he was drunk during work. He was inpatient almost the entire month of December. I told him that if he relapses or feels suicidal again, that I wanted him to call his counselor or 911 because I was not equipped to handle that. I've realized the caretaking role I've played in our relationship and that I have to stop for both of us. He was out of rehab for one week and said the emotional pain was too bad, so he relapsed. He called his counselor and then sent me a message to say, "I called my counselor like what you wanted, and now I'm going back to rehab. See you in a month." He also told me he will probably lose his job (we work together) and I'm trying to mentally prepare for that. One of the most challenging things for me has been to force myself to logically make choices that emotionally I am scared to death of, especially in the midst of being completely emotionally and mentally exhausted. This is definitely one of the hardest things I've ever went through, so I appreciate the advice and encouragement.  
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CrossroadsGuyMn

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 31


« Reply #5 on: January 20, 2017, 11:31:00 AM »

One thing that you will find Faith, is the similarity of experiences that we have all had.  On one hand, its a sad fact.  On the other, it consoles me in the knowledge of shared experience.

In my situation, alcohol addiction and abuse also plays a massive role.  My therapist says that the alcohol amplifies the pwBPD's behaviors, and makes them very apparent to us.  However to them it is their only way to cope with the runaway emotions going on in their brain, if they are not doing their own work in therapy.

Personally, I just got back from my weekly session.  I've been surprised how much it makes me feel empowered after only two visits.  I strongly believe that getting a therapist is the best choice I've made for myself in a long time.

One thing to consider around therapy, is the company you work for.  Where I work they have an Employee Assistance Program (E.A.P.).  I was in a crisis mode a week ago, and called it.  Just doing that helped a lot.  They recommended a list of counselors for me, and believe it or not they even pay 100% for the first 6 sessions.  It gave me no excuse to not go.  Which honestly was a tough step for me because I knew it would force me to look inward at myself.  Doing that made me feel fear.

But actually doing it now, has shown me that my fear was irrational.  I just got back from my second session, and I can't wait to do the work that she has recommended to me and to go back next Friday.

If you choose to go to therapy, I'd suggest asking about their level of experience with BPD before you start.  I was happy to find out that mine has extensive experience in dealing with BPD patients, and their Non BPD loved ones.

In reading your last, and your first post I saw something interesting.

You mentioned your fear of establishing and sticking to boundaries.  In your second post, it sounds like you've made some nice progress. 

When you said "I told him that if he relapses or feels suicidal again, that I wanted him to call his counselor or 911 because I was not equipped to handle that.", that was a very clear boundary that you held to. 

I can not imagine how hard those words were to say, much less to stick to.  All of us here recognize how hard that was.  But you did it! 

You deserve to feel proud of yourself.



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Faith914

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 3


« Reply #6 on: January 20, 2017, 04:57:40 PM »

I can't tell you how much I appreciate hearing that from someone who understands how hard it is. It's taken me well over a year to get to this point. I never would've set that boundary and stuck to it a year ago, and even though I logically know it was the right thing to do, I've still found myself second guessing it. I've been to therapy, and am still going, but I don't feel like my counselor has a lot of knowledge around BPD.  I've already used all of my EAP visits, but Thankyou for suggesting that. I am still going to try and find someone that has more experience with BPD to talk to.
And I know exactly what you mean with using alcohol to cope with their runaway emotions. We were on the phone before he went back into rehab (this most recent time) and he was in a highly emotional state. He kept complaining about the emotional pain he was feeling and how he couldn't make it stop. I couldn't say or do anything right. It breaks my heart, but I am learning more and more how characteristic this is. It's true that it does help you depersonalize when you realize you're not alone.
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lovenature
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Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 731


« Reply #7 on: January 23, 2017, 10:16:57 PM »

Welcome Faith

Excerpt
It breaks my heart, but I am learning more and more how characteristic this is. It's true that it does help you depersonalize when you realize you're not alone.

Keep reading and learning, I found the more I learned about BPD the more it helped me to detach, very painful but best for both partners.
You have shown lots of compassion for your partner, don't forget that we need to also show ourselves compassion.
Kudos to you on your progress so far; many say that going through a BPD relationship has been the worst experience of their lives (it sure was for me), anyone who hasn't lived it can't possibly fathom it.
Keep going you're doing great.
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