January 15, 2017 - The Day

[Nerd_Dad]

January 15, 2017. I could also say May 23, 2016 or September 17, 2016. Three dates she left me. But the May and September dates are far less of a blow then this one.

I didn’t know how to handle it in May. I made some bad decisions right aftewards and begged for her back. She left her ring on. She said she could never divorce me. This gave me some confusion but also enough closure to back off until she came back around. The same events in September, although this time I was calm from the get-go. I don’t know how, but I had either subconsciously knew she was bluffing again or I had somehow shut my emotions off.

Not this time.

After weeks of acting weird around me I knew something wasn’t right. So when she left on January 15th and went somewhere she said she wasn’t going I had to ask what was going on. She finally told me she had been planning on leaving and was waiting for the right time.

But the ring didn’t stay on the finger this time. There was no talk of not getting divorced. And the “I will love you forever” was now a series of comments letting me know she had fallen out of love. Not to mention the attacks and accusations. This blow to the chest hurt worse than the rest, and it was because I knew it is real.

Right now she seems to be just fine. We are still in the same house because our financial situation doesn’t allow for anything different yet. So I get to hear her sing while she cooks. Go into work each morning with a smile on her face. And live life like nothing has happened. All while I barely function.

Why am I posting this here? Well my wife has BPD. And we made it nearly 13 years. But the last year was a roller coast capped with this. She cheated on me, lied to me, kept secrets, verbally abused me, and did so much more throughout 2016 that many asked why I didn’t leave her.

The biggest reason. I kept telling myself that this woman who was so amazing and so in love with me for twelve years, through good and bad, was just around the corner. She was coming back.

But today I finally took my wedding band off per her request and that ray of hope is no longer. I am defeated. I am drowning. I am dead.

---

It’s amazing that I have been driven to the point that after all of this I am aching the most. I was hoping that my wife I knew would come back. She was never perfect, neither was I, but she was special and amazing.

I don’t think I can save it this time as it has grown out of hand. One of many turning points this week was hugging my twelve year old and hearing him tell me that he saw me try everything I could to save this. But I couldn’t.

I just needed a safe place to share. I’m devastated.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Nerd Dad, I'm sorry to hear what you are going through.  It sounds like you did all you could.  I don't need to remind you that a r/s with a pwBPD is extremely challenging and sometimes it doesn't work out over the long haul.  (I was previously married to a pwBPD for 16 years).  Most BPD relationships, sad to say, are not built to last.  You seem to be in pain, which is normal.  It may help to know that many of us have been down this road before you and are happy to help you find the right path.  Keep us posted.

LuckyJim