No resolution or compromise

[Depression = 72% of members]

This has to be one of the hardest issues I face. I can never be right. We can never agree to disagree. And until I agree my uBPDw is right and I am sorry, there is no peace. I asked her once when she was really wrong, and I proved she was wrong, "Can you say I am right and you are wrong?" She replied with much anger "You are 100% wrong as always!". Time has to heal every fight. There is never any making up. It just goes away after a few days.

[CrazyChuck]

This has to be one of the hardest issues I face. I can never be right. We can never agree to disagree. And until I agree my uBPDw is right and I am sorry, there is no peace. I asked her once when she was really wrong, and I proved she was wrong, "Can you say I am right and you are wrong?" She replied with much anger "You are 100% wrong as always!". Time has to heal every fight. There is never any making up. It just goes away after a few days.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[isilme]

They CAN'T be wrong.  That seems to pretty much be the whole point of the condition.  Being wrong means they have to face the shame of being wrong, making a mistake, even a mistake a "non" wouldn't freak out over, like forgetting something on the grocery list, blows up into a huge argument because a pwBPD can. not. be. wrong.  They can't handle it, and will lie, twist, invent, blameshift... .whatever to be right.  Even if you can prove you are factually right, you will then be wrong for pointing it out.

So - and I suck at this when I am tired, don't feel well, or am just perturbed with H - try to NOT make it about being right or wrong.  Steer the conversation away from that.  Validate her FEELING about whatever the topic is, whether you agree with it factually.  She is allowed to feel the sky is purple polka dots.  And you can say that you understand that's how she feels.  And stop.  Don't try to change her mind - you can't.  Don't try to sway her with logic - it's an emotional condition, logic means nothing except as a tool to twist to prove you wrong.  So you need to let go a bit of being right.  You can KNOW you are right many times egardless of whether she agrees - pick your battles.  If she's driving and arguing over the right route to take, you may have to find a way to make her listen.  If she insists you made a rude comment she actually made or was enver even said - can't make her see that (not easily). 

When you want to prove you are right - stop.  Think about the topic, the situation, and what it's about.  Knowing you can't use logic, facts, or reality to "prove" you are right... .what do you have left to use when dealing with a person who is emotionally disabled? 

Ever hear the adage about teaching a pig to dance?  It wastes your time and annoys the pig. 

[CrazyChuck]

Ever hear the adage about teaching a pig to dance?  It wastes your time and annoys the pig. 

Love this  

[Lockjaw]

Dude I hear ya. Dealing with this right now. GF says not to call her, then is mad I didn't call her and states, you promised you wouldn't do this to intentionally hurt me.

I showed her screen shot where she said it, still I am in the wrong.

I found a great book, The Human Magnet Syndrome, by Ross Rosenburg. It has been eye opening for me. He has video's on youtube as well I have been watching.

I am codependent. All codependents are attracted to what he calls emotional manipulators, and its primarily rooted in narcissism.

The bad in all of this is what it does to us, mentally.

[SettingBorders]

We can't make them see, that we may be right sometimes. Ok, I got it and I've accepted that.
But can we make them agree that we disagree? I haven't found a way yet.

[Duped 1]

This is ALL too familiar to me. She would want to argue even when I admitted fault (when I wasn't wrong), had factual information to back it up, and apologized anyway. She still would NOT let it go.

This is no way to live

[CrazyChuck]

But can we make them agree that we disagree? I haven't found a way yet.

Nope lmfao

[Lockjaw]

This is ALL too familiar to me. She would want to argue even when I admitted fault (when I wasn't wrong), had factual information to back it up, and apologized anyway. She still would NOT let it go.

This is no way to live

What I like is when I apologize and we make up, and then I still hear about what I did for 3 days. But heaven forbid she do something and apologize, oh no, that is cleared from her permanent record, banished to the shredder, never to be mentioned again.

[Tattered Heart]

If we reach this point, then I've failed at validating somewhere long before it got here. I hate to do it, but I usually cave and apologize just to get it over with. If not, then the lecture will last for hours and hours and hours.

Not sure how to get past doing this yet. If he gets to this point he no longer wants to be validated. He wants to punish me and to make me grovel.

Usually if he keeps going on about it, then I get frustrated and say, "I apologized. If you accept it then stop talking about it." That doesn't go over well either because my apology was to shut him up not because I meant it. And we start over again.

[Duped 1]

So painful! Like arguing with 3 year olds and she won't let it go and started it in the first place and then complains because we argue too much!  I don't miss that!

[Duped 1]

Mind almost never apologized unless she thought I was going to leave. Horrible behavior

[Hmcbart]

I gave up trying to argue about it.  Had the issue while driving somewhere a few years ago. She refused to listen to me when I was telling her how to get somewhere. I was right and she was wrong and ended up driving an extra hour.  In the end it was my fault for not telling her how to get where we were going because I was being mean.

Yep, that's about the way it works every time. 

[iceonthehorizon]

My experience with my uBPDexgf was that they will fight you instinctively if you try and show them they might be wrong or at fault. Logic goes out the window, it never helps in arguments only makes the situation worse, every word you say can then possibly be used later against you. They literally cannot process the idea in their head they might actually be wrong, it pains them to an extreme. They come across as intelligent people but when you experience that first hundredth 'I'm not wrong argument' it is just a mindf... .that they can be so completely sure you are wrong.

They never change, the only time I managed to get my ex to admit any form of her being wrong was under an extreme circumstance where I was attempting to basically turn and walk away from the relationship. Even in that situation I got a 'I'm sorry I was ... .wrong ... .  but it was your fault' .

You have choices, either walk away and find a healthy relationship, or accept the person you are with will always have an I'm right mentality. If you decide to stay you can't really blame them from that point because you are aware of the situation and only have yourself to blame if this type of mentality causes you more grief in the future. The are never wrong in there own eyes and for the non-BPD it will never make sense to us because the social acceptance is the admit wrong quickly and move forward.

Good luck if you choose to put up with it, you should though ask yourself why you are so weak to put up with this form of manipulation?

[slcguy]

You have to just give up on getting her to admit that she was wrong and apologize.  Probably not going to happen.  The hard part is ending the abuse rather than continue to listen to raging or lecturing.  There is quite a bit on this site on how to do that.  Still trying to learn but it is helping.

[Mr.R.Indignation]

If she insists you made a rude comment she actually made or was enver even said - can't make her see that (not easily). 

I had no idea this was commonplace!

I think one of the biggest problems with getting a compromise is that anything you say to a PDP is somehow seen as a reflection on them.

E.g, that same old: If you're perfect but you disagree with them, then they must not be entirely right and good, so you must be awful!

Plus, if they admit that you're right, with the consistency issues they can feel that they're somehow losing who they are for adapting their viewpoint to new knowledge.

Even getting my ex to realise something via concrete logic, she wouldn't be able to handle it. She would get hostile about certain subjects when they'd make her feel as though she was inadequate in some entirely abstract way. One time she took against something I said (an anthropological theory), and after yelling about how I was ignorant and sexist and 'SO wrong', her justification and argument against what I'd said was almost word for word exactly the statement she was disagreeing with.

It can be hard to understand how someone could be so rational one minute and then so irrational the next, but I guess we all catch on eventually that we're just arguing with a product of some internal strife.

GL and patience to the posse still partnered up!