Sadly on the 20th December my wife took her own life, she could fight no longer she was exhausted.
She is at peace now. RIP Wifey. xxxx
Well... .hello! Welcome
Where do I start... .! After a year of absolute hell and battling the NHS mental health system (of which there is barely one I hasten to add) my wife if three years (together over ten) has finally been referred to the BPD Network in our local area (York).
We have had our ups (nice breaks and holidays away with our two young boys, one and four years) and we've had (a LOT more) downs;(wife has been an inpatient at one NHS hospital which made matters worse, and an inpatient at a private mental health hospital that cost us £thousands! We've had mis diagnoses coupled with a lot of self harming, attempted suisides, driving under the influence of an overdose of medication (Lorazepam) and we've had the midnight disappearing acts involving the counties police forces! My story like many others is no different however I guess I have come on her tonight because I (we've) made a very significant step in what I hope to be the right direction although it may not see so to my BPD wife.
After the last year of hell (all of the above) and finally receiving a diagnosis of BPD I found myself in an... .enlightened state! I was able to research BPD and suddenly everything made sense, suddenly I realised I had been living inside a BPD "bubble" with my BPD wife. The diagnosis basically burst that bubble for me and I was like "wow, sh*t! Im not the only one and EVERYTHING about my life with my wife is identical to a hell of a lot of other people out there!"
For a short time everything seemed clearer and easier but then I started fighting back and saying "no". No I will not do that or yes I will do that because I want to not because YOU WANT me to! Anyway things all came to a head when I decided I wanted something, something for ME, something that defined me as... .well me, and not my wife, if that makes sense? This "thing" was actually a rather expensive car however this car was merely a catalyst, if it hadn't been the car it would have been something else. Anyway this car purchase did NOT go down well as you can imagine and we had a HUGE argument, both sets of parents were involved, as were our two boys as much as I tried to keep them out of it which was horrendous. I ended up explaining to my wife how I felt and how I saw things now since the diagnosis. I needed time away from the illness, not necessarily her. My health isn't great and has deteriorated over the last year because of everything and at the end of the day I need to look after myself above and beyond anything else, if I can't look after myself then I cannot look after my kids.
This basically meant that living together was no longer an option, it would not be fair on our two boys. So for the last two weeks my wife has been living with her parents (who by the way refuse to read up on or do ANY research on BPD because they think they already know it, when actually nothing could be farther from the truth-grrrrr).
Today we had a mediation session and amicably agreed to separate for a while. We would have the boys between us, fairly.
I do hope that my wife will receive the help she needs and that in 3/6/9/12 months time we can re assess the situation and we be husband and wife again, be a family again.
I guess right now I'm just wondering if anyone else has separated and then got back together, is it a realistic hope? Have I even done the right thing?
My wife says she could not live in our home again as it is owned by my parents, who incidentally live next door! Too close for comfort, and I get that but it is our family farm and has been for five generations... .I'm possibly get a little ahead of myself and maybe my wife's opinion will change after therapy... .?
I hope DBT/CBT works for her... .will it?
