I am exhausted and this was before I discovered why

[Bambam35]

It took me 31 years to figure out the truth. I am type 1 bipolar and go into severe depression and severe mania. I have always felt terrible about screaming at my mother. My parents were married for forty years and then my dad left my mom and I despised him. My mom actually gave herself end stage renal failure and yes it is possible. She had a transplant for five years but when my dad walked out she purposely stopped taking her anti rejection pills as she "forgot" and was actually committing suicide in her idea that she would not go to hell for this as she is catholic. I saved her life but I don't know how because I blocked it out. I have been in and out of hospitals because she cannot stop making fallacies. She also has excoriation but had a golf ball tumor on her leg which I happened to see in a gown and she didn't care. She asks me about self assisted suicide. I called the cops on her. I told every doctor of hers and this emptiness fills my heart. Nothing I ever have done has ever been enough. I realize I screamed at her because she made no reaction. She sleeps, goes to dialysis, and sleeps. I mentally cannot babysit her anymore and she's messing up her lies. She was brutally raped numerous times by her sister's husband and she never got any help. After not talking to my father for years I asked him why he left her, "B I did everything I could but I was never enough. I tried for years and still." I finally got it. A couple of months ago she told me she had an abortion and the doctor screamed at her for being raped, gave her white powder to drink at home, and there she had the abortion. No not possible but I let it go. She told me she was angry when she had my older sister and started crappy therapy the year I was born and there is not a single baby picture of me that I've seen ever. I asked her if she loved me but I can't believe anything. I have PTSD with hospitals and I found testicular cancer on my fiancé two years ago. Then I found renal cancer on my mother. Now my fiancé has cancer again and the chemo makes him so angry. I don't have time to cry. I'm so tired and this is only a piece of the puzzle. I know my mom won't last for many years ahead as it's her will to survive and it weakens everyday. I have so much guilt, anger, shame, and complete sadness. I fake it until I make it aka I don't cry in front of my fiancé about his cancer because he can't handle it. The person who takes care of him crying about him is not in his agenda but I'm actually crying about life. I am fully medicated and stable but sad that I thought I had abandonment issues from my father but it was my mother who was constantly there but never mentally present. I can't fix this. She's far past help and she doesn't believe me.

[Turkish]

Bambam35,

This is a lot to deal with for anybody.  Reading this,  it sounds like you've been put into positions to take care of others for so long, that no one has been there for you. 

It shows a lot of strength that despite what you've dealt with for so long,  that at least you reached out for therapy and medication to help yourself 

Many children of pwBPD  (people with BPD) end up spending so much time caring for others that we neglect ourselves. 

You've landed at a place where many members struggle as you do,  so I'm glad you found us 

If I had to ask,  what primary emotion do you most struggle with,  is it guilt?

T

[Bambam35]

I have a ton of guilt especially when I became an alcoholic for a year and a half and my temper was through the roof. I was manic and beat the crap out of people in what I felt was justifiable but I always felt so much shame. I lost all but two friends and I knew I was nothing. I didn't understand why my mom wanted to kill herself when she had me. Am I really that terrible? She always forgives and forgave everything I did or said but that's pretty hard to believe. When I found out way before my 8 years of sobriety that I was bipolar I was ecstatic (that didn't last long) as I remember when the first drug kicked in and I stopped the car and said, "Holy sh*t this is what a normal person feels like?" I don't understand why my mom doesn't care about herself to help herself. Who wants to be miserable? My mom's mother died of cancer when she was 11 and her father abandoned her and the five kids split up and she went to her Nana's. She punched through a glass window and bled so bad she said she flatlined for a minute and saw a piece of Heaven and an Angel told her to come back. I'm angry I will never know who my mom is because her life got sucked out of her after the brutal constant rapes and I never got a chance to see much more than my mom being an alcoholic, waking her up to take us to school, and she was just out there. I remember being in preschool and going up to our ski house and every time she would constantly play "Coming around again" by Carly Simon for my father to hear and that makes me so mad that I was like a pawn in her marriage. She had a grand map seizure because she was not doing dialysis right at home. She called my sister mom. She's told me I'm her best friend. She won't unpack huge boxes nor will she sleep in her new bed but on the couch and it's been five years. She actually screamed at me a few weeks ago that it was my fault she moved here. She has no knowledge of how to do much of anything. She still dials 411 and pays $1 to call, I taught her how to pump her gas, she thinks everyone is telling the truth, she's in debt over her head because, even though she agrees with me that money in excess takes your life away, she can't function with or without it. My dad is a multimillionaire and that's the only way she can live otherwise she keeps herself in her house and in pajamas, vomiting, sleeping, and eating too much potassium and salt. She has not washed her own hair in 50 years. She still gets $20 car washes and she hasn't done any type of work since she was a kid. I am her mother. There is nothing I haven't done to help her and understand why before she passes on. Why I really want to know why I am never enough. How could she put me through this my whole damn life but really how could she give up on her life before she even started one. The only doctor's appointment she goes freely to is her dentist. She goes every three months as she's obsessed with her teeth. I'm so angry and sad that she unknowingly makes me feel worthless and only an object that takes care of her physically and emotionally. What did I do? How on this earth am I ever going to believe a word that comes out of her mouth? I don't deal with lies and fairytale fallacies well.