I hate that I still miss him.

[hope2727]

Well I guess the title says it all. He has been gone almost 3 years now. He is (by all appearances) happy with is new partner. He doesn't reach out or contact me at all. But man I miss him every stupid day.

I have gone to counselling... .thousands of dollars of counselling. I have talked to friends. I have prayed. I have cried rivers of tears. I have taken on projects to keep busy. I have started new hobbies. I have dated. I have stopped dating to just be by myself. I have raged at his memory. I have written him endless unsent letters. I have done every thing I am supposed to and I still miss him.

I dream of him at night. I turn to tell him things and he is not there. I remember all our amazing memories and want to cry that he doesn't. We had something truly special and illusion or not it was important to me.

So I come in here and read and try to remember how horrible the horrible parts were. I try to focus on my life not him. I try everything. And I still miss him. I debate just calling him and telling him to come home but that is of course ridiculous and stupid. He wouldn't and he isn't healed in a matter of 2.5 years therapy or not. He jumped right into the next relationship so how healed could he possibly be? Meanwhile I still miss him.

I guess I don't really have a question. I just needed to tell someone who doesn't judge. I know it seems so stupid that he still takes up so much of my thoughts. He was and is important to me. I guess there is nothing to be done but keep on living.

Thanks for listening

[vortex of confusion]

 

Wanted to drop in and offer a hug of support!

[Larmoyant]

Hi hope2727, sometimes there's no solution is there. Maybe missing them becomes part of us just as missing a loved one who has died. Maybe we’ll never stop missing them, but in time, however long that takes, we’ll look back and it won’t hurt quite as much anymore. I’d say don’t try everything ‘not’ to miss him. If that makes any sense? It’s ok to miss him. 

[Bo123]

Read my posts, we're in the same boat without a rudder.  Makes no sense how we feel, but we do and have to own that.  I use to lie and say things are getting better and had a list of reasons why.  Deep down inside where I only know my true feelings, I'd give anything to try it again with her.  I live with that every day and who in the real world understands... .not many.  I feel your pain!

[man34]

We all miss them... .do not fight the feeling... .just try to stay away from anything that reminds u of him... .no looking at pics or social media... .

Have u tried running... .it helped me a lot... .it will help u more if you are currently a non-runner... .the challenge keeps you engaged... .try it if it works for you... .

take care

[BorisAcusio]

You're not alone hope. It's been 25 months for me and still miss her.

[Reforming]

Hi hope2727,

Lots of good feedback from the other members.

To pick up on what Larmoyant said perhaps the way forward is to accept that missing him is ok and not judge yourself or try and force a different outcome. That is my own experience. Despite all the chaos and the hurt there are still times when I miss my ex and that's over three years out.

When this happens I also try to identify if there's anything that triggers those feelings. I've found that when I'm engaged and fulfilled I find I miss her much less. When I'm stressed, overwhelmed by life or lonely I miss her more. So when I miss her I try not to judge myself.

I don't grieving healthily means eradicating that experience from our memory but over time our relationship with that loss changes. My grief has grown less intense and much more tolerable.


One of the things that helped me was radical acceptance. For me that meant;

Accepting the reality of the illness and that is beyond my control,
Accepting that both the good and the bad parts were part of the same person
Accepting that the relationship were over.

It didn't mean erasing my memories of my relationship - it's an important part of who I am too. I've also come to accept that loss and sadness are an inevitable part of life. They're not the only part - there is happiness and joy to be found too but sadness and but accepting that helped me

Thanks for sharing

Reforming

[Weary1402]

I understand hope2727. It sucks 

[infjEpic]

I debate just calling him and telling him to come home but that is of course ridiculous and stupid.

If you knew the way he has most likely portrayed you, to your replacement... .how would you feel?

I guess I don't really have a question. I just needed to tell someone who doesn't judge. I know it seems so stupid that he still takes up so much of my thoughts. He was and is important to me.

It's not stupid at all.
Have some compassion for yourself - It was one of the most emotional and traumatic parts of your life.
It still hurts.
Stop punishing yourself for caring.
Stop punishing yourself for feeling.
 

I guess there is nothing to be done but keep on living.

Unfortunately, with the passage of time, we tend to forget all the abuse, and only remember the positive memories.

You are in fact feeding your own suffering.

I would recommend 2 things:
A) Make a list of all the abusive behaviour you can remember. Think as long as necessary. Get it all written down. Whenever you miss them, Read it.

B) Start a gratitude journal. Think as long as necessary. Consider all of the things you are grateful for in your life.
Consider all of the things you can do now - that you couldn't do when you were with them.

[Herodias]

Hope2727,
   Your post made me cry... .don't feel bad, I feel the same way. I have done many of the things you have done and many of the suggestions. I think Larmoyant is correct in thinking that it is like a death. Since this is such a different kind of break up, that makes sense to me... .After much study, I know my ex will continue his behavior until he gets the help he needs, so I do not think he is doing anything different than he did with me. Please don't upset yourself thinking that yours is happier now.  I would not even think about calling, because no matter the outcome, it would turn out bad for you.  I have a friend who left her PD husband and ended up married to someone who left his BPD wife. They are so happy together, he is such a nice guy! It shows me that you can have a happy ending. She said I just need time to get over what I have been through, not to rush anything. I think we feel bad because our exes moved on so fast... .we feel stuck and like something is wrong with us. It is not the case... .we are the ones taking the time to work on ourselves, being smart. I started out in shock, then angry for a long time, now I seem to cry all the time... .I think it is just stages of grief all mixed up. Last Monday someone was telling me all about how messy her husband was. I burst out in tears and said "I would rather have a husband that was messy than be alone in a clean house." She said she was sorry... .I think I made her think though, .  I feel ridiculous for doing this, but we didn't go through anything "normal", so we can't expect to get out of it feeling "normal" either. Do nice things for yourself... .It always made me happy to do things for others, now I am doing things for myself. We are the only ones that can make ourselves feel good. This is important knowledge. Be kind to yourself, the rest will come in time.     P.S. I think they do remember us, they just choose to compartmentalize. My ex called me over Xmas while very drunk (evidence of no change). He was in tears remembering the past... .so don't feel he isn't remembering, it's just he thinks he is doing the right thing by moving on. I think they just don't think the same way we do unfortunately.

[infjEpic]

Hope2727,
   Your post made me cry... .don't feel bad, I feel the same way. I have done many of the things you have done and many of the suggestions. I think Larmoyant is correct in thinking that it is like a death. Since this is such a different kind of break up, that makes sense to me... .After much study, I know my ex will continue his behavior until he gets the help he needs, so I do not think he is doing anything different than he did with me. Please don't upset yourself thinking that yours is happier now.  I would not even think about calling, because no matter the outcome, it would turn out bad for you.  I have a friend who left her PD husband and ended up married to someone who left his BPD wife. They are so happy together, he is such a nice guy! It shows me that you can have a happy ending. She said I just need time to get over what I have been through, not to rush anything. I think we feel bad because our exes moved on so fast... .we feel stuck and like something is wrong with us. It is not the case... .we are the ones taking the time to work on ourselves, being smart. I started out in shock, then angry for a long time, now I seem to cry all the time... .I think it is just stages of grief all mixed up. Last Monday someone was telling me all about how messy her husband was. I burst out in tears and said "I would rather have a husband that was messy than be alone in a clean house." She said she was sorry... .I think I made her think though, .  I feel ridiculous for doing this, but we didn't go through anything "normal", so we can't expect to get out of it feeling "normal" either. Do nice things for yourself... .It always made me happy to do things for others, now I am doing things for myself. We are the only ones that can make ourselves feel good. This is important knowledge. Be kind to yourself, the rest will come in time.     P.S. I think they do remember us, they just choose to compartmentalize. My ex called me over Xmas while very drunk (evidence of no change). He was in tears remembering the past... .so don't feel he isn't remembering, it's just he thinks he is doing the right thing by moving on. I think they just don't think the same way we do unfortunately.

A lot of good sense in your post.

I read your comment about being alone in a clean house - I sure know how that feels. My heart goes out to you.
I don't know how long it's been for you - but not only will you get used to that, you will start to enjoy it and value it and even want to protect it. Especially when you move on and meet somebody else.
(Had somebody told me that 9 months ago, I would have said they simply don't understand me).

Having been in relationships for 12 years prior to the BPD relationship, I naturally lost touch with a lot of friends.
To compound that further, through work and my chosen sport and my high discipline, I became very isolated.
I'm an introvert, so I crave a certain amount of alone time - never had a problem with it. But I recall during the recovery process, leaving work on a Friday evening and knowing there was a high probability I wouldn't open my mouth to speak until Monday morning. It went on like that for weeks... .probably months.

I'd be at the gym 3 times a day, because I couldn't face the quiet - just sitting there at home with all those negative thoughts was impossible.
Then I began to understand, I had to replace negativity with positivity.
I had to replace anger with gratitude.



I don't think your stages of grief are mixed up. At all.
I think you go through them all. Then you repeat some of them.
I would feel over it, then I would have a new realisation about a lie, deception or betrayal (your subconscious tends to process these whether you like it or not), then I would come back to anger again.
Anger was the hardest stage for me to break out from.
My counsellor said that Anger often overlays fear. I searched but couldn't figure out what the fear was.

After digging deep, I realised that in spite of the hell she had put me through - excessive even for a BPD, I was still grateful for the good times anyway.
I would alternate between anger and forgiveness. I still do, to some extent, but far less intense.

For example, despite feeling 'over it', last week I saw my ex had updated her whatsapp photo - she looked very sad.
I desperately wanted to reach out and ask if she was ok. (This is a person who tried to run me over 5 months ago)
I knew better than to do that.
This evening, I checked her FB page (she's been smearing me) and saw that she'd put up a photo intended to provoke me.

Initially, I felt some anger. Then I felt some sadness.
I let those emotions through.
I know that no matter how bad you feel - it doesn't last. It will pass.
Then I opened Whatsapp, wrote my now girlfriend and told her I am grateful to have her in my life.


Writing here, and trying to help others, sharing my thoughts and experiences helps me let go of the anger.
I am also still realising new things even after so much time.

Being in a new relationship, almost as long as the BPD relationship lasted, demonstrated to me that so many of the fears I had acquired were completely unfounded but I was still slightly concerned that I am controlling person - even tho no previous ex had ever said it to me, prior to the BPD.
I saw from so many of the comments here, that many people were accused of the same.
Penny dropped. I had some level of resilience against most of the abuse, except the triangulation.

Anyway, next time you are crying - remember that no matter how bad you feel, it won't last.
The best times are definitely still ahead.

[hope2727]

Thanks everyone.

I appreciate the support and advice. I know you mean well but in truth I have pretty much done everything suggested here. I used to be a runner but can no longer find my mojo for running. I have a 'con' list posted in my bedroom I read regularly. I have done so much therapy I could literally put a down payment on a second home with the price tag. I just miss the bugger. Sigh. Not the presence of 'someone' but his actual personage. It is to bad that the positive parts of him are so overwhelmed by the negative. He really is very dearly loved.

[infjEpic]

Thanks everyone.

I appreciate the support and advice. I know you mean well but in truth I have pretty much done everything suggested here. I used to be a runner but can no longer find my mojo for running. I have a 'con' list posted in my bedroom I read regularly. I have done so much therapy I could literally put a down payment on a second home with the price tag. I just miss the bugger. Sigh. Not the presence of 'someone' but his actual personage. It is to bad that the positive parts of him are so overwhelmed by the negative. He really is very dearly loved.

Try pursuits other than running. Try them all. You will find something.

Have you had another relationship since?

Do you think it was 'meant to happen' like this for you? (In my case, I do)

[hope2727]

I work long hours and commute 45-60 minutes each way. I am also taking a masters degree at the moment so I literally have no time or energy to pursue anything else. Truthfully I am so exhausted just trying to keep the bills paid that I don't care about much else anymore.

I've dated some nice people but mostly I couldn't wait to get away from them. It was just work to be around them. It was never work with my ex. It was easy and relaxed... .until the switch flipped of course. I have given up on dating as its just to much work with to little reward. I'd rather spend my time alone.

I've tried other things and just don't really care to pursue them further. They just weren't that enjoyable.
Bought a motorcycle and restored it. Frustrating and expensive without much rideability.
Bought a new motorcycle and took some road trips. Met sketchy people and discovered its boring and uncomfortable. Hot, cold, wet, bombarded by bugs and fearing for my life with other drivers took most of the fun out of it. Oh and my butt hurt like crazy on long trips. Now I have an expensive new motorcycle that I don't feel like riding. Its also winter here so it won't be out of the garage for at least 4 more months.

Went back to gym and hated it. Use to love it. To loud, to many creeps, to much stress getting through traffic to make it to class on time. Healing some injuries so can't even do yoga or lift weights at the moment.

Started a Masters degree... .turns out I hate the material and have zero passion for the career path. But in for a penny in for a pound and to much money invested to back out now.

Got rear ended by a drunk driver so 1 year later still in physio and hurting like crazy. Can't swim or bike or run or sit for long periods. Arm ranges from sore to excruciating hour to hour. Yesterday I couldn't even pick up a coffee through a drive through window with it.

Blah blah blah.

So yup I am pretty sick and tired of being sick and tired and just don't really want to try new things anymore.

Strangely enough I am not terribly depressed. I am actually in a pretty good mood overall. Happy alone. Happy even when unable to do things. Frustrated and sore but happy overall.  Even the psychologist I see remarks that I don't even score mild on depression testing. I just am enduring a lousy phase of life at the moment. He is also curious as to why I never experience suicidal ideation. It just never occurs to me. I have no idea why.

So yes the times I miss him most are when I am run down and lonely. But I also miss him when I want to celebrate something and he isn't there to share it with. I miss him when I smell the chinook winds. I miss him when I light the fireplace. I miss him when I cook. I miss him when I read interesting research that would fascinate him. I just miss him. Weird I know. The psychologist says it is because I love him unconditionally. That does not however mean I am willing to put up with his bad acts unconditionally. Actions have consequences.

Anyway thank you for all the suggestions. I truly do believe that are all excellent approaches. I used running to heal from a divorce a long time ago. I will heal from this too. It will just take a long time I suspect. I look forward to the day that I realize I haven't thought of him all day. That will be a good and powerful day for me.

[En1gma]

I know what you're going through, the pain is intense. I had a dream last night about my ex gf. I arrived at her apartment and the door was open, I entered and called her name and she came out into the living room with a big smile and greeted me. It was so real, I didn't want it to end but I woke up to the pain again. Another day trying to cope and heal. Thank you for sharing.

[hope2727]

I know what you're going through, the pain is intense. I had a dream last night about my ex gf. I arrived at her apartment and the door was open, I entered and called her name and she came out into the living room with a big smile and greeted me. It was so real, I didn't want it to end but I woke up to the pain again. Another day trying to cope and heal. Thank you for sharing.

Wow what a powerful image. I am sorry you are enduring this. You are not alone.

I believe that some injuries never really heal. They ache when its cold or you bump them. Some wounds are just to deep and despite closing they still throb when the wind whistles around the granaries in the night. We learn to live with them but they never really ever leave us. I think this wound is like that for me.

I have others that ache in similar fashions. I still dream of the horses I euthanized long ago. I dreamt of a beloved dog that died years ago this week. It was so real and I was so upset that I awoke sobbing. My love for my ex is like that. An unresolvable dilemma that can only be faced and accepted but never truly completely healed.

So I accept that he is gone and will never return. But oh it aches when the wind blows.

[jo19854]

So yes the times I miss him most are when I am run down and lonely. But I also miss him when I want to celebrate something and he isn't there to share it with. I miss him when I smell the chinook winds. I miss him when I light the fireplace. I miss him when I cook. I miss him when I read interesting research that would fascinate him. I just miss him. Weird I know. The psychologist says it is because I love him unconditionally. That does not however mean I am willing to put up with his bad acts unconditionally. Actions have consequences.

Dear Hope,

Ive read this thread over and over. You describe me to a T
I am in exactly the same boat , 3 years ago on 6 th of feb 2014 my wife out of the blue abandoned me when i was at work and i have never heard or seen her ever again. When i came home i found a note with a few lines ending with "you will see this is the best way, the only way for me, love... .B... " No explanation, no adress, nothing. Leaving everything behind (including her dog)  after 11 years and 2 years married. She lives overseas, 4500 miles away. I never had a chance to talk or ask why.

All your feelings are exactly mine and no matter what i try, buy, counseling, it doenst work for me. I miss her every day and every day (hour) i am haunted by images, smells, events etc that trigger me.
I had therapy for trauma for spouses of missing persons, EMDR, therapy for spouses who lost a partner who suicided. I did mindfullness etc, it just doenst work.

Trauma is involved and in my case i am dealing with "complicated Grief" .
I am always careful with youtube, but this one helped me understanding what's going on and i showed it to friends and family who simply cannot understand me.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8r2rP10yiiY

This video describes it all. It made me emotional watching it, but it is the truth. Have some patience, watching it, at 9 minutes it really hits the nail.

I live in Holland and i will visit a specialist on this matter within a few months . He is one of worlds recognized specialists on this area and through my network (former therapists) i was able to get an appointment.
With a bit of luck he and his team from the academical centre will help me, and i really hope they can.
I promise you to let you know how it will go and if it helps me.

In the meantime... .stay strong, I know how you feel!

Jo

[infjEpic]

I believe that some injuries never really heal. They ache when its cold or you bump them. Some wounds are just to deep and despite closing they still throb when the wind whistles around the granaries in the night. We learn to live with them but they never really ever leave us. I think this wound is like that for me.

Yes, I am inclined to agree with you.
I think the majority of people who experience a BPD relationship, will share this sentiment - the wound never truly closes over. You just find a way to manage it.
And cognitive dissonance is more common than not also.


I wanted to ask:

Do you ever feel angry about what happened? About what happened to you?

Are you allowed to feel angry? Do you allow yourself to feel anger?

[hope2727]

I wanted to ask:

Do you ever feel angry about what happened? About what happened to you?

Are you allowed to feel angry? Do you allow yourself to feel anger?

Oh yes I feel anger. My counsellor even encourages it. But all anger stems from hurt. I have learned that when you scrape the surface of anger you find pain. SO I don't hold my anger very long. I mostly forgive and keep moving.

[hope2727]

Dear Hope,

I live in Holland and i will visit a specialist on this matter within a few months . He is one of worlds recognized specialists on this area and through my network (former therapists) i was able to get an appointment.
With a bit of luck he and his team from the academical centre will help me, and i really hope they can.
I promise you to let you know how it will go and if it helps me.

In the meantime... .stay strong, I know how you feel!

Jo

Please do keep us posted how that goes. I would be interested in hearing about your experience. I also appreciate your understanding and I am so so sorry about your wife departure.

On a brighter note I just finished a 10 page term paper (due tonight) and now I am celebrating with some OJ and chocolate. :-) He would have appreciated the paper.  I do miss sharing things like that with him.

[vortex of confusion]

I believe that some injuries never really heal. They ache when its cold or you bump them. Some wounds are just to deep and despite closing they still throb when the wind whistles around the granaries in the night. We learn to live with them but they never really ever leave us. I think this wound is like that for me.

I know that the pain I have over some of the stuff ex did will never really heal. It hurts at the core. Oddly enough, the pain helps me NOT miss him. Yes, there used to be a lot of good stuff there. Now, a lot of that has been overshadowed by the bad stuff.

[infjEpic]

Oh yes I feel anger. My counsellor even encourages it. But all anger stems from hurt. I have learned that when you scrape the surface of anger you find pain. SO I don't hold my anger very long. I mostly forgive and keep moving.

Yes, it's often hurt, or fear.
Seems to be more fear for males. More tied up with ego also I think.

I've observed a pattern - many of those who still struggle with intense emotions, especially those several years on - it's because they haven't been able to address the underlying issue(s).
I notice those who not only allow themselves to be angry, but embrace those emotions - eventually get to a place of true acceptance and true forgiveness, and even apathy.
I'm not saying you haven't btw, just an observation.

I observed that you also seem to be unhappy with some of the other aspects of your life, such as the Masters or lack of desire for another sport.
This doesn't help obviously.
And not having entered another relationship also doesn't help.


Could you describe what your anger feels like?
How long does it last? How frequently do you experience it?
What is it that makes you angry? Memories? The effect it has had on your life since the R/S ended? Lost time? Fear of never meeting another significant love?





When you're having a rough time, you'd love nothing more than to be teleported back to that make believe world at the start, where their love seemed to matter more than anything.

[hope2727]

Could you describe what your anger feels like?

Like normal anger. Nothing fancy. It doesn't last long as I usually just feel sad that he suffers and as a consequence I suffer along with him even from afar.

How long does it last? How frequently do you experience it?
Pretty regularly and it doesn't last long any more. A few moments maybe.

What is it that makes you angry? Memories? The effect it has had on your life since the R/S ended? Lost time?

All of the above. Plus the ridiculousness of the disorder. TH hopelessness of his recover, the loss of my friendship with him blah blah blah.

Fear of never meeting another significant love?

No not that.



As for the rest its a long story but there is nothing I can do about the current situation work masters finances etc. I just have to push through. I've done it before and I'll do it again.

As for sports I've always seriously hated them. I was the kid in gym who always got smacked by the ball... .whatever ball. So that is really nothing new. Discovering I actually liked running and lifting weights was a revelation. I participated in both for many years. Since losing my joy in them I just can't find anything else but that doesn't surprise me. I didn't have anything before them. Besides between work and school and my commute I have no time for laundry and grocery shopping and so forth so sport is not even on my radar at the moment.

It would just be nice to have one bright spot in my life.

On another note a time machine wouldn't result in him being my everything. I and we were actually much more balanced than that. I loved him, thats true, but he was never my everything. I was in the middle of another degree when I met him. I had friend's and a life and was ok as a single person. I will be ok again. I just miss him thats all.

[infjEpic]

All of the above. Plus the ridiculousness of the disorder. TH hopelessness of his recover, the loss of my friendship with him blah blah blah.

On another note a time machine wouldn't result in him being my everything. I and we were actually much more balanced than that. I loved him, thats true, but he was never my everything. I was in the middle of another degree when I met him. I had friend's and a life and was ok as a single person. I will be ok again. I just miss him thats all.

Do you blame him for his actions? Or do you blame the disorder?

Do you think it's possible he wasn't interested in your papers and the other things you describe, and he was mirroring while you were projecting?




It sounds like there is not that much happiness in your life
What do you do, for yourself?

[vortex of confusion]

I just miss him thats all.

It is perfectly OK to miss him!

I think I made a lot more progress when I gave myself permission to miss him without all of the analyzing and telling myself that it was crazy to miss him.

Think about when a person passes away. Most people expect you to miss that person so it is okay to miss them and even encourage it. When it is a break up, it seems like there is a lot of pressure to move on. A lot of people like to remind me of a lot of the crappy stuff that ex did. I have shifted my thinking a bit and have tried to deal with it like I deal with missing loved ones that have passed. I see things that remind me of them and I get sad and I know it is okay to be sad because those people were a big part of my life and meant a lot to me.

Your ex meant a lot to you. It doesn't matter what he is thinking or feeling. It doesn't matter whether the break up was due to his actions or the disorder or an alien from outer space invading his body. None of the reasons will magically make you stop missing him. At least that has been my experience. I have found a lot more peace by thinking that the man that I married no longer exists. Yes, he is still alive and I see him but he is NOT the man that I thought I married. It is like grieving the death of a loved one, which it is. It is realizing that the person you thought you were with doesn't exist. Realizing that he isn't who I thought he was doesn't erase the good times. It doesn't mean that the good times we shared didn't exist. Those things absolutely DID exist and I can cherish them while knowing that I won't ever have those good times with ex ever again.

Hugs   This is hard. Let yourself miss him. Let yourself be sad.

[thefinalrose]

Well I guess the title says it all. He has been gone almost 3 years now. He is (by all appearances) happy with is new partner. He doesn't reach out or contact me at all. But man I miss him every stupid day.

I have gone to counselling... .thousands of dollars of counselling. I have talked to friends. I have prayed. I have cried rivers of tears. I have taken on projects to keep busy. I have started new hobbies. I have dated. I have stopped dating to just be by myself. I have raged at his memory. I have written him endless unsent letters. I have done every thing I am supposed to and I still miss him.

I dream of him at night. I turn to tell him things and he is not there. I remember all our amazing memories and want to cry that he doesn't. We had something truly special and illusion or not it was important to me.

So I come in here and read and try to remember how horrible the horrible parts were. I try to focus on my life not him. I try everything. And I still miss him. I debate just calling him and telling him to come home but that is of course ridiculous and stupid. He wouldn't and he isn't healed in a matter of 2.5 years therapy or not. He jumped right into the next relationship so how healed could he possibly be? Meanwhile I still miss him.

I guess I don't really have a question. I just needed to tell someone who doesn't judge. I know it seems so stupid that he still takes up so much of my thoughts. He was and is important to me. I guess there is nothing to be done but keep on living.

Thanks for listening

I am pretty much this way as well. Mine went away in October 2015. I still cry at night and dream about him, although not quite as much in the last two or three months. I too feel that I'd tried everything. I love him with all my heart. I eventually had to block him on Facebook because it made me sick seeing all his pictures with his new toy running around Manhattan with his yuppies like everything is just perfect and he doesn't give a damn about how badly he's hurt me and never spares a thought for me at all. I feel like I no longer even exist to him. He called me in April 2015 crying hysterically and telling me he loves everything about me, loves me more than anyone he's ever met before, and less than two months later he was pulling away and avoiding me, refused to speak to me, no explanation, until one day he just sent me a text saying he just doesn't care about me anymore, no other explanation except for shoving words in my mouth and accusing me of totally outrageous things... .I don't understand how our relationship could survive almost three years of long distance but then at the drop of a hat he just "doesn't care anymore" and feels that we've "naturally grown apart"... .right after sharing an extremely intimate evening with him and he was swearing his love to me?

I do not know how to help you, as I'm still in the same situation... .Reading about BPD and personality disorders and abusive relationships seems to help me somewhat. At the very least it at least helps me remember that for the most part, the situation is out of my hands. Some might not think that's comforting, but it's comforting to me. I can't make him acknowledge his own issues and accept responsibility for his behaviors... .

I will share something I read about BPD some time ago, although I don't remember exactly where. I came across it in my research. I copied it and pasted it into a Word document and read it whenever I begin blaming myself all over again. It has helped me look at the situation more objectively, at least... .

In borderline personality disorder, the distorted perception through the warped lens becomes calcified.  When someone struggling with borderline is triggered and strikes out at another, he tends to rewrite the history of the circumstances in a way that seeks to justify his emotionally charged behaviors. The new story features him as the injured party and the other as the perpetrator, a fabrication that his mental apparatus may perform automatically, without his conscious intention or awareness. Regardless, once rewritten, the individual believes the story. He accepts it as reality, clings to it, and he will defend it at all costs, even when presented with factual evidence to the contrary.