How do you not get frustrated with silent treatment?

[CMJ]

Pretty sure I'm getting the silent treatment again... .sigh

It's only been a few days so far, just find it borders on the ridiculous. I mean what does it really achieve? She felt able to tell me I'd upset her in the first place but can't say anything further which could bring about a resolution for whatever reason. Ah well, she's made her choice it would seem. Nothing I can do except get on my life and let her do whatever she's going to. I don't have to take part 

Just wondering what everyone else thinks about silent treatment? Is it a coping mechanism, or about punishment/control? What do you do when you're on the receiving end? I've often read the best way is to act like it's not getting to you, not sure how this is achieved when it's a person you don't live with.

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[AskingWhy]

Pretty sure I'm getting the silent treatment again... .sigh

Just wondering what everyone else thinks about silent treatment? Is it a coping mechanism, or about punishment/control? What do you do when you're on the receiving end? I've often read the best way is to act like it's not getting to you, not sure how this is achieved when it's a person you don't live with.

CMJ, I am so sorry this is happening.  As you know, the silent treatment is a very common passive/aggressive feature of both NPD and BPD.

I am understanding these two mental illnesses now, and I can now tell exactly when my uBPD H is splitting or using the silent treatment.

I feel less bad when I understand it's not about me, it's about him.

That said, the silent treatment is both punishment/control and a coping mechanism.  The BPD cannot cope with the current circumstances and is attempting to get control by punishing us with the silent treatment.  This can also be called "withholding affection."  The BPD hopes this will hurt us and we will comply to their wants.

[CMJ]

Hi AskingWhy

It definitely does make it easier when you're finally able to reach the place when you realise it's not about you. First time she behaved this way it wounded me deeply, I ended up suffering with depression for months as my sense of self worth was shot to pieces. Subsequent times she's done it since I've been able to realise it's not my burden to carry.

Despite that it never stops feeling counterproductive does it?

[isilme]

Is it a coping mechanism or a punishment?  Both, I think.  They want you to know they are mad and withholding affection/interaction because of it.  But, also, it's  way to cool down, as much as it sucks that this can last days/weeks.  Once it goes past a day or two, it's punishment, and also, I believe there is probably some shame in approaching you.  LIke, they are worried about admitting fault, and it's easier to just stay silent and mad that you haven't read their mind they expect you to step in.

H has told me that he goes into this mode at times so he can stop shouting.  I find it uncomfortable, but also preferable to the shouting, and after 21 years, I have kinda developed ways to test the water a bit.  I grew up an only child, often shunned and neglected by my BPD parents, so being alone and given the silent treatment is not really fun, but it's also far from the worst thing ever.  I prefer being ignored and left alone to the overt rage.  I know it's often a "covert" rage, at least at the start.

So - step one - he's shouting and generally freaking out.  It may or may not be tied to anything I have done or said, it may be 100% unrelated but I am in the room.  If we are in public, he will refrain from the shouting and instead grab my arm or pinch me to make his anger known.  This is happening less and less. 

Step two, I see if I have an out to take a break, or if I am stuck from either bring in a car or by the time of night, something like that, and take what action I can. 

Step 3, he pointedly starts ignoring me.  So I go into quiet mode, do what I need to do, and just don't negage.

Step 4 - after time has passed, usually hours, I may speak to say good night/good morning/see you at lunch, dinner, etc.  I do not reference the previous explosion and just act as if nothing happened.   If he responds, the storm is ending.  If he is still quiet, I know it will be a few more hours before he will get over it.

In a way, the silent treatment is them fuming.  But it can also be them trying to gain a little control over themselves.  "Leave me alone so I can stop feeling mad" seems to be how it works for us. 

[UKharry]

I have used the silent treatment with BPDex's before and I will tell you why I do it. Once a person has irritated me to the point where I am giving them the silent treatment,99 times out of 100 I am DONE with that person. They are an annoyance and not worthy of anymore of my attention. I know this wasn't what you wanted to hear but that is why I do it.

[CMJ]

Hi UKharry, that's fine. I know she's only sulking because I'm not blocked.

Hi isilme, it's hard to tell sometimes. I think she equates silence with punishment as if I take a while to respond to a message I'll get a follow up asking if she's done something wrong, she thinks I'm upset with her despite me having not even read her original message yet. When she does this I leave her be and occasionally test the water acting normally. Like you, I've learnt not to mention the incident that caused it.

[isilme]

UKharry,

I think it's fine to mention we all can go into silent treatment.  I get upset and really don't feel like talking, and while I won't ignore people (usually) I also do not seek them out until I can feel I am in control of myself.  I guess to tohers this can look like the silent treatment.

CMJ - yes, I have to second that one.  H soemtimes feels if I don't respond to him I must be inoring him (often I am simply away from my phone or in a "dead" area in my old work building that gets spotty if any reception.  But he interprets it as me punishing him or being mean, and so he tries to "ignore" me in kind to "see if you like it". 

[CMJ]

isilme

Yes! Exactly that.
I'm autistic and sometimes I need to have some alone time to restore my equilibrium or reduce stimuli to stave off a meltdown so I'll put my phone down for hours. I've explained to her multiple times that when I do this it's not just her that I'm not responding to, it's everyone. But she still acts hurt by it.

[Enabler]

You know when a child sticks their fingers in the ears and says "La la la la la I can't hear you", well I sometimes wonder whether or not this is essentially what uBPDw is actually doing when she gives me the silent treatment. As much as she is internally seething about a slight or perceived rejection by me or someone else, the emotional cascade that she goes into is unbearable for her... .so, a combination of continual rumination about "the issue" and the exclusion of additional negative stimulus from people who can impact her core emotions i.e. me, is her defense mechanism to avoid further emotional pain... ."la la la la la, I can't hear you and don't want you to say anything to me which might make me worse, whenever you open your gob you hurt me so I will avoid interaction with you."

Now... .why does this lead to frustration for me/us... .well it's because we're loving caring partners or parents and we want to resolve the issue, we want marital or family harmony. I don't like her thinking ill of me and want her to stop it, I want my wife to be happy, I want her to be happy with me. I continually look for the "I'm cool with you, you're cool with me" transaction. We believe that harmony can be restored through rational and reasonable discussion, action and resolutions. To avoid frustration (which I might add I have yet to achieve) one has to RADICALLY ACCEPT that you cannot rationally discuss your way through to resolution at this time. Your facts and your truth will likely be different as they will be based on evidence and actual experience rather than emotional experience and emotional perception... .so by entering the Karpman Drama Triangle at this point in an attempt to rescue your SO victim will likely be fruitless. If the SO doesn't live with you, you should count yourself lucky, crack on and enjoy your own peace and harmony. I for one have to suffer a hissing viper of body language and obstructive behavior on a practical level. If I had the luxury of my uBPDw self imposing no contact and she did not live with me and my children I would be grateful and use any attempt of that situation to change i.e. her to contact me again to communicate how unacceptable the behavior is and it is not part of a loving caring relationship I intend to be part of.