overnight my bf went from wanting me to move in to dumping me

[mjssmom]

My now ex-bf and I are both 45.  We dated 8 months and he dumped me officially I guess 1/1.  It was a total shock to me.  He behaved madly in love me with during our entire relationship right up until the very end.  I always knew he was insecure and needed validation from me but I was secure in that he loved me deeply.  He pushed very fast for a commitment.  He always wanted me with him.  But when he was stressed he'd have panic attacks or furious outbursts screaming that no one cared about him.  After he mistook a panic attack for a heart attack, his family doc put him on an anti-depressant.  He also was extremely jealous and would accuse me of cheating at times if we argued about something and then tell me if I didn't want to be punished, not to make him angry.  He was a bit of a drama queen and would overreact if something bothered him like frusteration while working on his house or at work. Mind you, yes this behavior is extreme when it occurs but it wasn't frequent.  But he did things like changed jobs 3 times because he felt harassed and picked on whereas other people just write it off as sometimes you work with a jerk.  Things like a rude waitress could set him off on a tirad about being disrespected and treated rudely and he would go on and on about it.  He had a hard time letting things go.  But overall, I thought we had a stable and happy relationship and he would talk about our future and he was sweet and protectivie and affectionate with me.  In some ways he was immature and needy like a 15 year old boy needing me to take care of him.  His self worth seemed dependent on me at times.

In the end of November and for the month of December 2016, I sensed a small change but couldn't quite put my finger on it.  I sensed he was dropping hints he needed me even more like a cry for help and he was needing his self esteem massaged.  He'd plead with me to be with him and try to hold on tighter but I just had stuff I had to do and little time to do it.  I work 3rd shift, 10 hours for 7 days on , Wednesday night through the following Wednesday morning, and then I'm 7 days off.  He really wanted us on the same schedule and for me to switch shifts.  I was busy with work every other week and preparing for the holidays and I have a 15 y.o and a 17 y.o. so I just couldn't be with him all the time.  But I felt like he was gripping tighter to me and then suddenly it seemed like switched and was playing mind games a bit like trying to get me to chase him by ignoring my phone calls and texts.  In turn I would get angry not understanding this.  And yes, I must admit I said some things that would hit him where it would hurt the most making him feel even worse.  I always told him I would never chase a man, and now it looks like he's turned the tables because he's proved me wrong and I think it might be exactly what he wanted to validate himself.

He had asked me to move in with him back in September and we started planning slowly as I have two kids to think about and we live an hour apart.  He started remodeling some in his house to make it comfortable for us and we helped here and there.  Jumping ahead, on 12/29/16, my work week, he called before I left for work when after his cat and mouse game with me trying call him, ended up with me texting him that either he call me or we were done.  He called immediately as if he was panicked.  We had a nice heart to heart talk.  I asked him if he really wanted me to move in and he gave a very firm "yes".  I asked him did he want me to go to bed at night with him everyday and wake up with him every morning and he said yes.  I asked him if he wanted a future with me and he firmly told me yes.  He said to me that next week I'm off, "we were talking about the move whether I like it or not."  That he wanted me to commit to it.  I said I guess and he said "what do you mean you guess?  We are talking about it."  I told him I felt neglected lately because he didn't spend Christmas with us and he said he was working on the house getting it ready for us.  He said that just because he didn't answer the phone or a text, that didn't mean he doesn't care.  This is almost verbatim.  I keep replaying it like it was yesterday.  He also mentioned a med he was put on for depression wasn't making him feel right but we'd talk about it then.   I had to get ready to leave for work and I told him I loved him.  He sounded sad as he told me he loved me too.  As I was driving to work he sent me a text saying"I know it's late but is it too late for you to call in?  I miss you and I just want to hold you."  I couldn't call in though even though I told him I wish I could.

The next night on 12/30, I woke up at 6:30 pm to a text he had sent around noon saying "change of plans. Tomorrow I'm working an extra shift, it's an extra $100.  Then I'm going up north to spend New Year's Eve with my sister and her boyfriend and I'lll grab her key so you have one for the house.  Then I'll make sure I'll be home so I can spend Sunday and Monday with you (even though I was asleep, he'd often come over just to nap with me so we had some time together on days I'd work).  I was coming down with a cold and wanted to talk to him about his message.  I tried calling.  I tried texting.  I chaulked it up to sometimes he loses cell service at his sisters.  I texted his sister saying please have him call me.  She responded "Um ok I will."  Immediately I suspected she didn't know what I was talking about.  The next day, Saturday, 12/31/16, I sent a few texts and left a couple voice mails.  Finally around noon he sent a text saying "Stop texting, I'm busy".  That finally set off my radar and I panicked.  I knew in my gut that he wasn't anywhere near his sister's house.  I sent more texts and tried to call.  Something just wasn't right.  Finally on Sunday after calling and texting,  I received another text stating, "this is his girlfriend and I don't know what this is about, but he says if you don't stop harassing him, he's calling the police."   And of course I panicked and kept texting.  He finally called me around 2 pm and I answered the phone to him screaming at me saying he "hated me and he never wanted to see me again and that if I were in front of him, he'd bash my face in.  I found somebody new."  And I managed to ask him why while in shock and crying and he screamed at me that he didn't owe me an explanation and that if he ever saw me in public he didn't want anything to do with me and he'd bash my face in.  At 5:45 pm, on his FB he posted a picture of him and this woman to Facebook.  I was just devastated.  I had to call into work Sunday night and Monday I was so in shock and hysterical.  This man and I had just spoken about our future only 3 days before and here was acting as if he we never had that conversation and that it was him pushing me to settle down with him.  He wanted a real future.  He had told me he'll love me forever.   And now he was running around just 2 days later as if we never talked the other day?

I made it to work Tuesday and Wednesday I just needed my best friend so I hopped in my car and drove 800 miles to be with her.  I left to go home that Saturday 1/7/17.  I couldn't help it.  He posts everything publically on FB and I know he and this woman had to only see each other on weekends because they live over 100 miles apart and work weekdays.    I saw he posted they were at a bar he always took me to.  I couldn't help it. I had to see for myself and I detoured on the way home and went to the bar.  I watched from across the bar and they seemed so generic together.  I was heartbroken.  He stepped away to go to the bathroom and I walked up to her and very calmy introduced myself  She freaked waving her arms around and started yelling at me.  I managed to remain calm and asked her how long was this going on and she said a month.  That means this was only the second weekend they could have been together because the prior month I had him accounted for. I said to her doesn't it bother you he's been sticking his d*** in both of us at the same time?  :)on't you think both you and I deserve better than that?  And then I realized she knew about me the whole time.  Her only response was I called him a loser.  Where that came from I don't know but obviously he is saying stuff about me to her and making her feel sorry for him.  In the meantime he came back.  He was behind her and turned away from both us just standing at bar looking across it the other way.  She's yelling and I just said I'm leaving.  You two can have each other.  He made his only comment "she's crazy" as I was walking out.  Someone, either that woman or one of the bartenders or him followed me but I made to my car and left. I got down the street and pulled over to calm down and I looked at his FB and they had just taken a close up of them smiling right in the bar obviously minutes after I left.  He was going to use FB to rub it in my face.  

I admit, I went temporarily insane with texting and calling on Sunday and Monday still in shock and heartbroken and now trying to get my stuff back and some money he owed me.  I got one text stating if I didn't stop he'd call the police.  I didn't stop.  He changed his phone number on Monday and called the cops. A officer called me and I told him the truth that yeah I was going nuts over this.  And I wanted my stuff back.  The cop actually felt really bad for me and understood.  He called my ex-bf and asked him to return my stuff to the station at least and my ex-bf told him no that I didn't have anything there and he didn't owe me any money.  The cop told me he advised him he could file a restraining order and that I could take him also to court for my stuff.  I guess we called it a draw because neither of has done either as of yet.  

I just couldn't take it anymore.  He still had a pic of us on FB and had posted another of him in a group with his arms around that woman.  I did write a comment regarding him being a cheater and a liar and her knowing he was already in a relationship and he had just told me he loved me and wanted me to move in.  It was public for all his friends to see.  It sat there all night into the next morning and by his work lunch time he blocked me.

My cousin who was helping me through this cleared my computer of all pictures.  Quite frankly I was still in shock and hysterical and embarrassed that I had been obsessive about this and acting like a crazy fool.  My future and my plans were just thrown away overnight viciously with no regard to just breaking up with me gently.  He could have done this without me ever finding out about this woman.  Instead he was parading her around on FB assuming I was watching him probably through other people like he was intentionally smearing it in my face.  My cousin FB messaged him to please remove his pics of me and to do the right thing and pay me back and give me back my stuff.  Just seeing his profile pic, a pic I took of him when we were out together, hurt like hell to see.  He saw her message but blocked her from writing again but didn't block her profile.  

I have since went to see a therapist that I went to when I was going through my divorce.  I am going to continue to see her.  She wants to start some therapy with rapid eye movement to treat PTSD.  I was abused in two relationships, one being my marriage, before my ex-bf and she thinks I'm having symptoms again.  I'm eating Xanax like it's candy my anxiety is so high.  I'm heartbroken and confused but strangely I'm not angry yet.  I've already lost 13 pounds.  I have so many questions.  I'm obsessive about this.  I can't let it go.  I miss him so much.  If he came back to me now, I know I'd be weak and give in.

Why do I miss him so much?  Why did he do this?  :)id he ever love me?  Was our whole relationship a lie?  Why don't I even care about the cheating?  Is it a rebound?  :)id his self esteem require he have someone in his back pocket because the whole month of December I feel like in hindsight after hashing this out with the counselor and she agrees, that he was dropping hints that he wanted to chose me and he was sad for some reason but pride or something stopped him from telling me that he needed me and didn't want to have to chose to leave me.  So he got angry and he's getting revenge is the best we can come up with.  The counselor thinks he probably has PTSD and BPD or NPD.  I am leaning towards BPD in reading up on behaviors that remarkably I either ignored or didn't see during our relationship that he exhibits.  His sister has told me he has always been that way and they've pretty much given up on coddling him and trying to help him.  Before this all happened when he had a panic attack in November that sent him to an ER, he and I planned on getting him into a psychiatrist and a counselor for his temper and some past trauma.  He was really self aware he needed to do something but he switched jobs recently and this happened before his new insurance kicked in.  So now he'll be left untreated because from what I can tell, he's in denial and putting on a happy face for the world as if what he's done to me doesn't matter.

Is he remorseful or ashamed at all?   I wonder if he misses me at all?  Is this a cover up or way of not dealing with his anxieties and fear I would maybe abandon him?  Is he punishing me for some perceived wrong?  Why is he so angry?  The counselor said his anger is the anger of someone who is hurting and his blame is directed at me.  That the opposite of love is indifference.  That he wouldn't be angry if I had never mattered and he didn't love me. Maybe he felt he wasn't getting the attention he needed?  But now I'm completely cut off.  :)oes that mean he's over it already?  Is this the indifference part?  He couldn't have spent more than 18 days with this woman at most over the course of going on two months.  Why was he telling me he wanted me to move in and have a future together only days before dumping me so hurtfully?

Now the issue is getting me through this and giving myself closure.  Everyone says he'll try to contact me again.  Some have suggested he kept my stuff and refused to give it back so he has an in later when this relationship he's in falls apart and everything that played out kicks in and he needs me to be his rock again.  I don't understand that.  If my attention wasn't enough, what's he going to really gain by being involved with someone with kids younger than mine (he never married and has no kids)  that he can only see on weekends?  Apparently I wasn't enough for him, how is she going to be?

I just can't believe he doesn't still love me.  Ironically from what we can gather this venom from him, this anger, this silent treatment I'm being told stems from his anger at being insecure and dependent on me and fear of abandonment.  That even though he's purposely punishing me it seems, that only people who love you put that much effort into what he's done.  That doesn't make sense to me.  So now my big fear is, will he try to come back to me?  I'm weak right now.  I'd cave in.  I know I would.  But I can't allow myself to tolerate being treated like this either.  My self esteem has taken a beating.  I don't know how I can still love this man and miss him and while I know I'd want to take him back in a heartbeat, my biggest fear is that he will try to come back.  My self respect is already beaten up.   Am I justified in needing to be prepared for that possibility?  My counselor and my friends say I should be prepared for that.  But I can't imagine if he's behaved this way, that he ever would want to see me again.  But also  I can't imagine this relationship he's in is going to go anywhere.  It will implode.  I've been more bonded and closer to him than anyone has been in years and he discarded me overnight.  I doubt she's anything more than a distraction from him having to deal and cope with his feelings regarding us.  Somebody please say something to give me clarity and keep me logical.  Please if you have any insight regarding my questions, please help me.  I feel like I'm falling apart and I'm going insane with grief.  I'm not typically this type of person that simply just falls apart and is obsessive like this.  I feel like I have no control of myself right now.  How do I stop this?

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[Larmoyant]

Hi mjssmom,  Welcome to BPD Family  . Reading your story my heart went out to you and I’m so sorry for what’s happened. It’s no wonder you feel insane with grief. This is traumatic and you’re experiencing a completely understandable roller coaster of emotions. It’s hard to understand how someone can seemingly be madly in love with us and then do something like this. It sounds as if you’re feeling overwhelmed right now and have many questions. I felt like this too, many times and it really helped to talk things through with others who understand where we’re coming from.  A good place to start working through all this is to figure out what you want. You’ve posted on the Saving board. Are you hoping the relationship can be salvaged? You’ll likely get different responses depending on what you want and there are other boards here including Detaching and Conflicted/Undecided that might provide more helpful answers depending on your needs. Whichever it is we are here to help you process all of this  .

[mjssmom]

Honestly I am very overwhelmed and don't really know what I want at this point.  Right now the confusion and grief and questions are so overwhelming, that yes, I am stuck in missing him and wishing he'd come back. At the same time, I have to get over this and not get stuck in my grief and recover my self esteem.  If he came back at this point, I know I'd take him back... .and probably lose whatever remnants of self respect I have left at this point.  Ideally, he doesn't deserve my love.  He hurt me and is cruelly going out of his way to do it and smear it in my face with the silent treatment and flaunting this woman all over FB.  I feel this is  intentional.  He is denying me closure as well.  I have no clue what happened and what he perceives was worth all this drama.  Someone like that doesn't deserve 2nd chances.  So one part of me wants to feel emotionally healthy again and the other part doesn't want to let go either.  It just really hurts.

[samson#2]

That is heartbreaking.  It's also pretty much a carbon copy of what happened to me one month before your incident with my girlfriend of 7 years. THere some small signs in hindsight at times before, but not overwhelming so I didn't pay heed...  

The day before I was discarded, we were talking about two trips we'd planned during he month, one before Christmas and one right after it. Suddenly the next day, I was informed that I "wasn't good enough for her, and that she needed someone better" and had never loved me all along. While I knew this was ridiculous at that time, the fact that she'd even be thinking in such terms of "measuring" was highly disconcerting to me. Also,she didn't sound herself, or even look it- which was quite eerie as well.

She also said in the next breath that we were best friends and we could continue to email. I figured that since I'm "not good enough", we're hardly best friends, as any friend of any kind would cringe at such a reference- unless they were actually an enemy.  Luckily something in me kicked in- and I refused the "friendship"offer, as that would just be hand for her to hold while she was looking for her next source ... .it was definitely not of interest to me to be option #2; I walked out the door, didn't look back... .

Not to make it sound like it was easy.  It was horrible at first.  But it helps with perspective to see things as they are, not how one wished they'd be... and no contact lets that occur.  This  ending would have happened eventually anyway, and while I am sorry it took seven years, I am glad it wasn't eight.  I am a senior, so I'd assumed this was my life mate until the end, and she is no youngster either. (Of course, mentally, very much so).

The answer to your inquiry is an emphatic NO!, there was no actual love on their end, ever.  That is definitely difficult to unpack, given it seemed so definite and real.  But what we saw was a masterful mirror with a heartbeat, but no real heart.  All they did was reflect back what we felt ourselves, as best as they could... .which was a pretty good acting job to say the least. It wasn't a reciprocal state of being, one on the same page we were on.  They can't do that.  It's not a functional mechanism within their reach.
'
When you started to sound threatening, like you"could leave"- he likely got scared.  Then, that fear probably made him angry... .something he knows how to be ... .(much better than any ability as to how to love) .  In his anger, he devalued you and then from there, it was easy for him to simply dismiss you.  If you had at some point mentioned anything that hinted at you leaving him, that probably started his scouting out another "next" source. From your story, he found one. And who knows if there had been others along the way.  But absolutely, he hasn't changed by meeting her!  He just dug himself more deeply into his insecurity.  And that will be again triggered- for sure.  This new woman, if she doesn't catch on and dump him suddenly, is sure to share your destiny in the not too distant future.  And he will always be "him", he can't escape that and likely will not seek to change it.  If he does earnestly want to change, it's a long process. If you hung around, you'd still be the object of his pain and he'd be dumping it onto you, even were he in therapy as it's not an overnight  fix.  But YOU can be happy, even if he can't.  And much much sooner, as long as you decide to stay away from him.

What you got wasn't love, after all.  It was the opposite.  These narcissistic people do not deserve our thoughts, let alone love and attention. They never really gave us theirs... .and thinking they did is one source of our pain.

I don't minimize the level of pain either. Even with xanax each night, it was weeks of maybe 2 hours of rest per night.  I decided I wasn't going to let the person's foulness result in making me take drugs, so I just decided no more, one night and that was that.  But I know... .there are people serving 20 year sentences in prisons who did things far less harmful.  And sadly, it doesn't end with us... .they go right on inflicting their hurt after us onto others, vomiting their own self loathing wherever they find a place that they can.  And also sadly... .there are a whole lot of them out there... .
A possible scenario now for you to look out for, is that he may try to play you and the other woman against each other, and stage some kind of apology to you trying to get back in your good graces.  Especially if he starts to worry about her staying... .that could happen in an hour, a month- a few months.  Expect it, and be strong.  You have nostalgic fond memories.  He doesn't.  Don't be fooled into thinking his brain works like yours. If he begs you to take him back, he is probably all the while hating you while he does.  And it will probably only erupt into something worse than you already went thru.  These things spiral downward... .they don't improve.  The sooner you start to take your own healing to heart and make that #1, not him, the sooner you'll see a life that will make you glad you escaped to it.  Reframing things saves us.  We should feel saved, gratitude... .not at a loss... .

[WitzEndWife]

I'm so heartbroken for you. What a terrible situation that guy put you in. I have been in similar situations before. I actually had one guy propose to and marry someone else while he was still seeing me!

My best advice would be to take some time to take care of yourself and evaluate what you want. Make a list of what you got out of the relationship, versus what you gave. Is the latter list much longer? If so, maybe it wasn't as beneficial for you as you thought? Also, seeing a therapist helped me immensely to sort through my feelings. With any life change, you need support, but this was particularly traumatizing. I know it's tough, but don't focus so much on what he is thinking and feeling, what he is doing with his new GF. Unfriend him on Facebook. Focus your energy on yourself. You deserve it.

Even if he came back tomorrow, how would you ever be able to trust him again? Something like this is not the foundation for a very good relationship. I suspect that he will come crawling back at some point (they always do), but taking care of yourself first is a good way to make sure that you are in a strong place to say "No" to him, and protect yourself from further harm.

[samson#2]

Witzend's advice is very good.  Finding an empathetic therapist acquainted with the spectrum of Axis II disorders was very helpful to me. When you tell family or friends what happened, they can barely fathom the true enormity of the situation, and how much it rocks you to your core.  It's hard enough in the case of a normal breakup, but something like this goes to an entirely new level of "low". 
What was done to us wasn't loving behavior. So why do we even struggle with considerations of going back to these people- if they seem to show signs of wanting us back?
I think that's a more appropriate question to ask ourselves, than if they will or they won't want back in. They have ignited an addiction within us.  It takes time to break such habits, and even when we do we can still harbor a propensity for that once we have broken free, if they turn up again. So first thing, interrupt the habit.
Part of us is more rational, and can watch over us without being drawn in by people that intend us harm. I think it helps to find that part of ourselves, and get accustomed to being in it.  The watching self, not the reactive self.
It's really uncomfortable being in what you're describing (and what us others responding to you have been through).  It's a "double bind". Maybe even more than double, because not only is your head and heart at odds, but they are also at odds with themselves. So I think the safest bet is to stay no contact, and just sit with this... .and breathe.  The truth is, you don't have to pick a side to be on with yourself immediately... .if you want to try to get back in, or close the door on it.  You have the power over your choice, and needn't be cornered into making one if you aren't ready to.  Not to mention, if he DOES try to contact you, there is nothing that will get to him more than your silence.  The saying goes, the best way to get someone's attention is by withdrawing yours.  And he will "feed" on any attention, perhaps even more on negative attention, when he knows he's getting to you and making you uncomfortable, angry, and upset.  He likely counts that as a win for himself.  I would think you'd like to do anything but give it o him. Your silence can be far stronger than anything you might be tempted to say.