Intro

[Plsticsman]

Wish I'd found the "walking on eggshells" book about 25 years ago

Married, two kids, wife is on the "spectrum".  I avoid all the specific personality disorder titles as we started 25 years ago with MPD, and each part of her has different traits all over the spectrum.  BPD fits best with the latest round of "mental health professionals" (new diagnosis every time, as they always have to prove they're smarter than the previous "mental health professional". 

When we met, it was about 18 months before I saw the "real" her.  I supported, went to therapy with her (she was terrified of therapists), travelled to week long intensive therapy, etc.  After 6 years she had stabilized as MPD.  Different parts did different tasks.  I always said I married a group.  Went along "stable" for a long time.  "Stable" meant she didn't hold a job long, she went from one neat, new task to another, overcommitted a lot, and I cleaned up a lot of messes. 

Then her father died 6 years ago and she basically cut me out of everything.  I feel like she divorced me while we still live in the same house.  The "group" I married is long gone.  It's like the group I married suppressed another group I wasn't aware of and the pressure finally built up and the two groups switched. 

I never thought I could feel so lonely while living in a house with other people.  I'm basically a single father with his sick sister staying with the family. 

I know this was all my choice.  Made through my own failings and needs.  But I have to admit that my support system is pretty much 100% suggesting divorce.  All agree, even my in-laws and her doctors, that she would completely crash and burn if that were to happen, and I have a huge issue with breaking the promise I made when we married. 

SO I figure this is a place to find others in similar situations, with similar thoughts, and maybe I'll fit in.  I don't fit in most anywhere else. 

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Mutt]

Hi Plsticsman,



I'd like to welcome you to  bpdfamily. I'm sorry to hear that, I can relate with how lonely that feels when your pwBPD distant in the r/s. Is think that your term is a good one for that, feeling like you're divorced but living together. I can relate with that. You'll find that you'll fit right in here   It helps to talk to people that can relate with you.

You were together for 25 years, that's a long history together. You probably went to family and friends for support for all of those years? If you had that it was BPD maybe things would be different but you have an idea of what it is today, have you tried the communication tools for a pwBPD? My advice is at least try, a r/s is a very personal thing, it's easy to be a spectator and offer advice, advice that is probably more suitable for a non than a pwBPD, friends and family mean well. Ultimately it's decision to make. Here's a link to the communication technique for a pwBPD.

Communication Skills - Don't Be Invalidating

[ArleighBurke]

Tell us more about your home life. You say she "cut you out" 6 yrs ago - what do you mean? What are you daily interactions like? What do you do (fun) with her? How old are your kids?

[Plsticsman]

To reply to both at once

Home Life.  I was very involved with her therapy, we did a LOT of it together, even did some by myself.  Intimacy wasn't great but was OK.  Always struggled with money issues as she shopped to feel better and couldn't stay near a budget.  6 years ago all intimacy stopped.  To the point of no touching at all, even brushing by each other.  (And physical intimacy (do not read sex here) has always been very important to me and I've been very, very clear about that).  

I suggested we go for help and let her pick the place as she's always had the biggest problems with trusting a therapist.  After several visits I finally looked up the practice and it specialized in sex addiction.  (figured it out from a questionnaire they had me fill out that damned near made me physically ill the questions were so vile;  asked about sex with kids, etc).  So she had picked a place that would justify her position.

Then a year later we went to a Pastor who's very well know for couples counseling (written a lot of books).  His paradigm is that men are selfish and women are victims, which was greatly popular with my wife.  I continued going as I saw small wins but finally (over a year of it) I told them both I was done.  I explained that I didn't fit in the Pastors box.  That if I were the selfish prick they both agreed I was, wouldn't I either have a nice new truck or a huge bank account?  That if I was what they said why was my focus on her enjoying sex before me every time.  He finally started asking her hard questions and she absolutely melted down in the office.  Switched to a 3-4 year old.  I actually had to stay after the session to calm the Pastor down as he was freaked out.  Yeah, that's my life.

She simply pulled farther and farther away.  She suddenly didn't like watching any TV that we both used to like.  She binges on Law & Order Sex crimes, real life crime shows, and violent shows about anything and everything.  Feeding the dark side over and over.

She stopped cooking, I locked down finances.  I decided I was going to stop living like a homeless guy with ratty clothes.  Between her spending and health care, I couldn't afford new underwear.  I hadn't locked down finances prior to that because she used sex as a bargaining chip, but when sex AND intimacy disappeared, I determined that finances were no longer negotiable.  She's still managed to blow $5K in a year, but we actually got to go on vacation last summer, so the finances are still MUCH better.

So now I'm not trustworthy, I'm a jerk, etc. etc. etc. but I'm also done listening to those things.  I'm doing better personally (somewhat) and the kids are doing much better. (18 and 9, by the way)  

My biggest issue is that my "give a crap" feels very broken.  I find myself wishing she'd leave way too often.  I'm already running the household (groceries, cooking, cleaning, laundry), working a 50+ hour a week job, and taking the youngest to church every week, plus helping her with homework.  And when my wife is hospitalized, the house is RADICALLY calmer and more consistent.  

As far as "Fun", everyone we know here is too uncomfortable around her, so I'm totally isolated.  She doesn't want to do anything and if we go to a movie, she'll buy $50 worth of crap just because it's splurge time.  We have no relatives close, so there's no built in babysitting, and when we go out now it's so horribly uncomfortable, we've simply stopped trying.  The fun girl disappears 6 years ago when her dad died.   

At this point she's even skipping things like football games (the 9 year old is cheerleading) because she doesn't like to be around anyone.  That's simply expanded to include me.

[Mutt]

Hi Plsticsman,

My biggest issue is that my "give a crap" feels very broken.  I find myself wishing she'd leave way too often.  I'm already running the household (groceries, cooking, cleaning, laundry), working a 50+ hour a week job, and taking the youngest to church every week, plus helping her with homework.  And when my wife is hospitalized, the house is RADICALLY calmer and more consistent.

There's not a lot of room here for self care, self care is important so that we don't burn the candle at both ends, what do you for self care?

[Plsticsman]

Hi Plsticsman,

There's not a lot of room here for self care, self care is important so that we don't burn the candle at both ends, what do you for self care?

Basically my personality is to be a martyr all the time, so that's worked to her advantage.  Two years ago I lost a friend to suicide and I understood a little too well.  Huge wake up call.  So I reigned in the finances, I took over all the duties (so at least I know they'll get done eventually), and I'm working on me.  But as for what I do FOR me;  It's been so long tied up in this, I realized I have no hobbies, no outside interests, no friends.  It's embarrassing.  I've poured so much into getting her well.  Yet she's now worse that when we started. 

SO I'm trying to figure me out.  After my friends suicide and putting my own house in better order, I took a new position that put me over 60+ folks, so now my "pastoring" side get's fed every day at work;  So I've become the stereotype guy who's life is work; Luckily I'm still heavily involved with my kids, so it's not ALL one sided.  But outside of work and kids, I have little.

Tried sharing my situation at church and history repeated itself.  "We're so sorry and we'll pray for you", but we'll also NEVER talk to you again because this is too uncomfortable and we don't know what to do with it... .

I'm looking into a Chaplain's group;  Yeah, I get off helping others.  But my appointment with the guy running it got cancelled because of my wife's last hospitalization.  I'm the only one that keeps my kids on a schedule at all, so when she's gone, it's all me.

[Turkish]

I think there's a big problem,  especially in evangelical circles,  with the lack of understanding of complex situations like this at best,  and spiritual abuse at worst. Personally, it's why I'm an "orbiter" volunteer in my church. I don't want to be disappointed.

What you've been doing has been working insofar as keeping the household running, but it's a tremendous amount of pressure on you.  MPD is now reclassified by the DSM add DID (dissociative identity disorder). I believe you about the BPD traits, and the communication tools here can help (on this board,  but they're summarized on Lesson 3 on the Improving Board). However,  have you checked into whether there are real life support groups for loved ones dealing with DID? www.nami.org may be able to help you to connect.  Also to local BPD support.

You've done what you had to do for you,  as you said (who else can or will do it?), and is probably necessary,  especially with a child.  What I see here,  and correct me of I'm wrong, is a lack of trust on your part for her to do what might seem to you to be the simplest tasks. 

A core feeling of a pwBPD  (person with BPD) is shame: "I'm a bad person, I don't deserve to be loved." Given the MPD/DID , she likely retreats into her "alters" in order to cope. Frustrating to say the least when you are trying to run a household and raise a kid. 

Is there anything small with which you can trust her, in combination with using the communication tools to validate? Baby steps might help both her and also take a little stress off of all that burden which you've taken on. 

[Grey Kitty]

Basically my personality is to be a martyr all the time, so that's worked to her advantage.  Two years ago I lost a friend to suicide and I understood a little too well.  Huge wake up call.  So I reigned in the finances, I took over all the duties (so at least I know they'll get done eventually), and I'm working on me.  But as for what I do FOR me;  It's been so long tied up in this, I realized I have no hobbies, no outside interests, no friends.  It's embarrassing.  I've poured so much into getting her well.  Yet she's now worse that when we started.

At least you still have work as well as your home r/s; you aren't down to NOTHING.

Trying to build friendships (possibly through interests/hobbies, if you have some you let go that you would like to get back to) will help you. If you take good care of yourself, you will have more energy to keep your household going. Even being an emotional caretaker for your wife will go better.

I often told myself what they say on every airplane ride: "Put your own oxygen mask on before assisting others." This is true in many ways.