Hey everybody,
Just dropping in. It's been interesting to come back, having come full circle, and seeing all the old stories under new names--I still remember the immediacy of my experience when I found these boards and how deeply personal it all felt. It looks like most of the names I was familiar with moved on, which is as it should be.
It's been a year & 6 months since I broke up with my BPDexgf (I had to do some math in my head to arrive at that figure) and began tackling my issues with codependency. We've been NC since, which I'd recommend to everybody, for your sake and for theirs--in fact, a pattern I noticed when I was last hear is that the members who were unable or unwilling to cut contact with their exes were the ones whose progress was slowest.
But, man, it's been a journey! I'm doing better now than I've ever been--more happy, more complete; for the first time, I've learned how to enjoy and prioritize my experience of myself. It's scary to think where my life could've ended up had I never undergone the type of trauma that was necessary to reassemble a new reality. In the past year, I've met some wonderful women. I haven't dated anyone exclusively, and I'm not sure that's anywhere on my list of priorities--but I've had awesome connections with several women that were based on emotional enjoyment and sharing instead of neediness and validation (and plenty of not so awesome connections as well ).
But more than that, I thought I'd share some of the insights I've gotten on my path to recovery.
1. Make a clean break. At the time of my breakup I posted a borderline breakup guide here:
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=281522.0. Obviously, I only have a small sample size to affirm the effectiveness of this guide--but I think the psychological principles are sound and could help other avert the worst of a BPD breakup.
2. Take unconditional responsibility. There's a huge temptation to distract yourself with the 'why's' & 'how's.'
Why did she do this? How could he just move on like it meant nothing? Why didn't I notice the redflags sooner? But that's only a distraction from the
real issue at hand--your relationship with yourself. Once you're able to say,
You know what, I'm responsible for this. It's not my fault--I was doing the best with what I knew at the time--but it's up to me to pick up the pieces.3. Practice unconditional self-acceptance. It's OK--you didn't know better; you can't control her or her perception of you; yeah, you probably could've done things differently but you did the best you could. Self-acceptance is absolutely crucial to developing core confidence and a healthy sense of self.
4. :)elight in your own agency. Refuse to be a victim. **** that. You're not a martyr. You're not powerless. A good question to ask yourself is, "If I really loved myself, what would I do for myself
right now?" And then do that thing--no matter how small or inconsequential. Make it a habit. Would a walk make you feel better? Go for a walk. If you loved yourself, would you take a nap after a hard day's work? Take a nap. Really get in touch with your own needs--and then find steps to take towards addressing those needs.
5. Forgive. Anger & resentment will emotionally bound you to another person just as strongly as love. Let go. Forgive yourself, forgive your BPDex, forgive her parents, forgive your parents. Anytime you have a negative thought that abnegates your own agency in the current moment, just say, "It's OK. I forgive them." Even if you consciously can't right now, since you're consciously aware of how they violated you, your subconscious can't make those distinctions.
I highly recommend meditation as a daily habit. Meditate.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pJb55LBKPpM This guided meditation was the one I found most effective. It's tremendously helpful in reclaiming your mind, your ego, and resolving the cognitive dissonance that results from prolonged exposure to the distorted reality of a pwBPD. I was extremely skeptical, but as I was going through my own breakup I was willing to try absolutely anything--and meditation was an essential part of my recovery.
All the best! It does get better. You will get better. But it's a choice you have to make for yourself. You could have the answers to all the questions about BPD, about Codependency, but if you refuse to take action, it wouldn't make difference.
gameover
