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Things we can't afford to ignore
Depression: Stop Being Tortured by Your Own Thoughts
Surviving a Break-up when Your Partner has BPD
My Definition of Love. I have Borderline Personality Disorder.
Codependency and Codependent Relationships
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ynwa
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 293


« on: January 28, 2017, 04:24:45 PM »

So I've been trying and failing at writing this post since Thursday.  I had a long post written today, and my wifi went poof and the whole thing vanished.

But now my mood is different, I was crying then.  A bit overwhelmed. I've had to out my phone down a bunch of times today.  I know this is for the best.  I'm no longer able to justify continuing the relationship.  I long for a hug and a smile for her, to hear her laugh.  But that's denying the anger and abuse that would follow.

I fell in love with the wrong person and blinded myself with help from her.  I know I've been inside the house too long today, I'm a bit stuck being sad, and I just can't reach out to anyone to tell them.  Because all I want to do is cry to her and ask her to come her and... .  bang.

She isn't going to.  She might, but No.  I've been unhappy and abused and taken for granted for so long, I'd be willing to let her come and make me feel better?

No.  And now I'm angry, I want to do the reverse and let her have it.  But no.

I dread having good days, because I know I'll have bad ones.  I can't stop crying and feeling sorry for myself, because I can't consistently use the positive aspects of the hurt and anger to keep straight in my head how damaging and negative she is.  My support system, friends and family is great but at some point I need to be able to stand on my own. 

I know I'm crying for myself, my grief and the relief of being somewhat free.  That I lied to myself for so long, holding this all in, and i don't want to let go.  I've been holding on so tight, it's all I know.

It's so quiet.  So very much where I was scared of being 2 months ago, I now am.  I've come as far as I can sure in that time.  But everyday is slow.  I've had some amazing experiences in those two months but always with a string or shadow of her behind it.
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Ragnar1982
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 76


« Reply #1 on: January 28, 2017, 04:54:35 PM »

I feel like everyone I know is so sick of hearing me talk about it. One thing someone told me the other day was this, and it actually kind of helped: Do you really think she is feeling the same way you are right now?

That hit me like a ton of bricks, but then I realized, she probably doesn't. She probably has swiftly moved on.

Try and take it one day or one hour at a time. If she wants to speak to you, she will. I think it's best for us all to decide what we do if that day comes, but never to count on it. I for sure will not put myself in the position for her to hurt me again by my own volition. I will not contact her. I hope this helps.
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earlyL
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Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Gay, lesb
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 176

Formerly known as "Louise Wilson"


« Reply #2 on: January 28, 2017, 05:42:26 PM »

YNWA,

It sounds like we are in a really similar place right now, I only broke up with my BPD five days ago, but we have been in turmoil for two months after she told me she had 'feelings for someone else' and then I found a letter that confirmed those feelings had progressed to more physical.

I totally agree, my friends are sick of hearing about it and I feel like I need to now stand on my own two feet with this. My therapist has told me to put all my thoughts about her into a box in my head and only open it for 20 mins a day. That is helping. I too feel sad tonight, I think because I am on my own in our flat and although I am angry with her, reality is setting in because I know it is over. Even if she did come back, I don't know if I would cope with the lies - and for me that seems even more sad. That she has ruined the hope. In some ways I miss the hope.

I think at some point they will miss us, but it could be years away - and in fact, more likely at a time where we have all moved on. I am sure my relationship with my BPD was the most stable she had ever had. She is currently pursuing a married woman - which makes the end of our relationship seem so futile, it hurts just to think that is what ended it - but then I am sure it would have been someone else if not her.

I am trying to take each day as it comes and each hour when it feels like that. We still have to work together and spent three hours with each other yesterday, it was truly agony. I don't know how to get through the next weeks, it is going to take all my strength. This forum has been such a saving grace, reading other people's stories, it does somehow help - even though we don't want other people to be in this pain.

I feel for you so much, I too have stayed in the house too long but I can no longer face another walk in the park to help clear my head, there comes a time where I don't want to get into a daily pattern of grief. It sounds like you have come a long way in the two months, and you must remember that not every day gets better, there are steps forward and back - that is what I have found. You have to remember that these feelings pass and you will be getting stronger even when you don't feel it.

I've done the same today and thought about her holding my hand, something I truly cherished, and remember cherishing at the time. But that isn't enough, holding my hand isn't respecting me not to be with someone else, or to lie about it. There will be someone else who will smile and laugh that will give you an even better feeling, you just haven't seen or heard them yet.

Take care of yourself, and keep posting, I think it really helps here in this safe space.

LW
 
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heartandwhole
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Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 3592



« Reply #3 on: January 30, 2017, 07:22:46 AM »


I know I'm crying for myself, my grief and the relief of being somewhat free.  That I lied to myself for so long, holding this all in, and i don't want to let go.  I've been holding on so tight, it's all I know.


Ynwa,

This is such an honest post—thank you for having the courage and self-love to share it. I can relate very much to your feelings. It was hard for me to let go, too. 

I'm glad that you are feeling. That is how we get through this. Not by shutting down, but by opening to what we've tried so long to deny. It won't kill us, but I know sometimes it feels overwhelming.

How are you doing today?

heartandwhole
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When the pain of love increases your joy, roses and lilies fill the garden of your soul.
Roselee
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Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 81



« Reply #4 on: January 30, 2017, 08:50:28 AM »

 Maybe it was something in the stars lately... .but I have truly felt the same way.  I know for a long time, years, I have been hurt by my ex, verbally, mentally, emotionally even a little physically... .we have been NC now for almost 2 months.  I thought it would be getting easier... .but it was awful this past weekend. And I can't understand WHY?  I had a thought that maybe it was because I failed to really convince him that I was truly committed to our relationship and that he never had any reason for his constant jealousy. I am truly on my own now, ofcourse my friends just don't get it at this point.  They think I should be happy and free, and be living life!  Well, I am just too heart broken to even feel life right now.  I still cry, and have a complete meltdowns. And still feel I want to reach out to him... .just for final words maybe... .I don't know. I just can't even think about him without crying lately... .I feel like I am getting worse, and am afraid I will never get better!
 My friends say I need to "get out there"... .but I can't even imagine doing that... .not to mention my NEW fear now, and that is what if I meet someone who is abusive again... .or that I will constantly compare anyone new to my ex... .the good and the bad?  I certainly didn't really see my ex's full extent of his verbally abusive ways in the beginning. By the time I saw the "red flags" I was already in the, I love you and can brake you of this, mode.
I just wish every day wasn't still so painful and such a struggle anymore... .but I just can't shake it.
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ynwa
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 293


« Reply #5 on: January 30, 2017, 03:12:35 PM »

Thank you for your replies.

I'm working on my doubts, my fears.  I put faith in someone, and they have no idea what that means.  I'm better off, and I'm not truly alone.

This is not where I wanted to be.  But I am.  I ignored the bad times, in favor of working for the good times.  I long for a simple walk with her in the snow today, but I'll do it alone, and smile.  I'll do it in spite of her, and cry. 

I could continue to blame her or myself. Point towards any moment that she or I failed each other.  I have to let go.  She knows where I am, and how I feel, how I will always feel.  I so easily forget how angry she can be, how cold and manipulative. How she can turn around my words and use my weakness against me.

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earlyL
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Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Gay, lesb
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 176

Formerly known as "Louise Wilson"


« Reply #6 on: January 30, 2017, 03:26:20 PM »

Thank you for your replies.

This is not where I wanted to be.  But I am.  I ignored the bad times, in favor of working for the good times.  I long for a simple walk with her in the snow today, but I'll do it alone, and smile.  I'll do it in spite of her, and cry. 


This is beautiful, I totally agree, I wish I could be out walking with her, but I can also do it myself and smile. It sounds like you are doing all the right things and moving the right way. One day at a time.

LW
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