BPD exgirlfriend has cut me out of her life...

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

Hi all first post here,

This may be quite long winded and if anything is unclear with what I'm saying then do ask me to clarify.

I have known this girl for a long time (10+ years) on and off as we live in the same town. 2 1/2 years ago we were at the same wedding and had a bit of a chat, got on well and she texted me the next day saying we should meet up sometime, so we went out a few times over the course of six months.  But nothing happened as she said she just wanted to be friends.  However over that xmas period we were hanging out quite a lot and then slept together that NYE. A few days later she sent me a message saying she didn't feel she could commit to a relationship as she wasn't over her ex-bf yet and hoped we could remain friends. 

We didn't see much of each other over 2015, but early last year things picked up again, we went out for lunch got drunk and ended up kissing as we parted ways.  I knew by this point i really liked her so asked her on text the next day what was going on, and she said she had personal issues, but if she could she would be with me... .I was getting confused as she kept saying just friends but would then always come onto me.

We then saw each other about once a month over the next few months, and then in May we sat down and she discussed with me that she had depression, anxiety and her mother was battling a drink problem so didn't feel a relationship was a good idea.  I respected that and we carried on as friends, but we were hanging out increasinly, and then on another evening out i said to her can we confirm this is just us as friends now as I was feeling a lot towards her. She said yes just friends.  a few days later she invited me over to watch a film, and pretty much frog marched me into her room where we had sex 3-4 times over that evening. she said she was actually in love with me and couldn't stop thinking about me all the time, but was scared of a relationship as she had a fear of intimacy and could we take things slowly.

I said yes, so we were then offically a couple... .things were fine then a few days later at her house, we were chatting away and she suddenly said I had to get out of her house, apon me driving home she sent me a wikipedia link to BPD and said this is what she thought she had... .I was then away on guys holiday the next day and her housemate rang me to say she had taken an overdose of paracetamol and was in hospital.  I returned a couple of days later, where she said she couldn't deal with the relationship/life/everything and that it was over between us.

We then didn't see each other for around three months, then we met up for a drink one evening and it was fine, then i saw her again jsut before christmas and she'd been drinking and we ended up having sex, but both agreed it was just a one off. I said i was there to support her through everything and we agreed to meet up regulary to keep in contact.   She then text me to say she had a new boyfriend at new year, however things didn't go well and it ended pretty quickly, however during this i also told her i loved her and she said she didn't feel the same way but couldn't handle not having me in her life to support her.

By this time her housemates had enough of her drinking and erratic behaviour, and she was due to leave this weekend just gone, her relationship with her dad is rocky and although she could have gone to him it wouldn't have been a good atmosphere.  She then asked me to stay at mine and i said yes but only once my housemate had moved onto his new house in a couple of weeks as i felt heavy drinking around his young daughter wasn't appropriate, and she said she would stay with ex-boyfriend until the room at mine was unavaliable. She had wanted to stay in my room for a few weeks until my current housemate had moved out .

I stayed with her over the weekend and on sunday she told me that she wouldn't be moving in at all as she felt it wasn't supportive of me to not let her in straight away, and that she was imposing a three month ban on me talking to her and she didn't feel she could be friends with me anymore as we were still sleeping together and that's not what friends do (even though she kept encouuraging it)  She said that's it i'm out of her life and wouldn't be making an effort to contact me again.

I have been really supportive of her, even after we broke up, even after she got with a new guy, and even after they split. 

Did I kick in her fear of abandonment?  Have I been painted black?  Does anyone think that's it now and we will never speak again(well make contact i may bump into her as we live in a small town)

Shall I just leave her to it?  I want to support her but i felt her demand to move in straight away no questions asked was a bit much.  and in the cold light of day i thought living with my ex-girlfriend would be a bit strange if one of us brought someone new home we were dating.

Any other advice?

thanks.

[whitehorse]

Hi all first post here,

This may be quite long winded and if anything is unclear with what I'm saying then do ask me to clarify.

I have known this girl for a long time (10+ years) on and off as we live in the same town. 2 1/2 years ago we were at the same wedding and had a bit of a chat, got on well and she texted me the next day saying we should meet up sometime, so we went out a few times over the course of six months.  But nothing happened as she said she just wanted to be friends.  However over that xmas period we were hanging out quite a lot and then slept together that NYE. A few days later she sent me a message saying she didn't feel she could commit to a relationship as she wasn't over her ex-bf yet and hoped we could remain friends. 

We didn't see much of each other over 2015, but early last year things picked up again, we went out for lunch got drunk and ended up kissing as we parted ways.  I knew by this point i really liked her so asked her on text the next day what was going on, and she said she had personal issues, but if she could she would be with me... .I was getting confused as she kept saying just friends but would then always come onto me.

We then saw each other about once a month over the next few months, and then in May we sat down and she discussed with me that she had depression, anxiety and her mother was battling a drink problem so didn't feel a relationship was a good idea.  I respected that and we carried on as friends, but we were hanging out increasinly, and then on another evening out i said to her can we confirm this is just us as friends now as I was feeling a lot towards her. She said yes just friends.  a few days later she invited me over to watch a film, and pretty much frog marched me into her room where we had sex 3-4 times over that evening. she said she was actually in love with me and couldn't stop thinking about me all the time, but was scared of a relationship as she had a fear of intimacy and could we take things slowly.

I said yes, so we were then offically a couple... .things were fine then a few days later at her house, we were chatting away and she suddenly said I had to get out of her house, apon me driving home she sent me a wikipedia link to BPD and said this is what she thought she had... .I was then away on guys holiday the next day and her housemate rang me to say she had taken an overdose of paracetamol and was in hospital.  I returned a couple of days later, where she said she couldn't deal with the relationship/life/everything and that it was over between us.

We then didn't see each other for around three months, then we met up for a drink one evening and it was fine, then i saw her again jsut before christmas and she'd been drinking and we ended up having sex, but both agreed it was just a one off. I said i was there to support her through everything and we agreed to meet up regulary to keep in contact.   She then text me to say she had a new boyfriend at new year, however things didn't go well and it ended pretty quickly, however during this i also told her i loved her and she said she didn't feel the same way but couldn't handle not having me in her life to support her.

By this time her housemates had enough of her drinking and erratic behaviour, and she was due to leave this weekend just gone, her relationship with her dad is rocky and although she could have gone to him it wouldn't have been a good atmosphere.  She then asked me to stay at mine and i said yes but only once my housemate had moved onto his new house in a couple of weeks as i felt heavy drinking around his young daughter wasn't appropriate, and she said she would stay with ex-boyfriend until the room at mine was unavaliable. She had wanted to stay in my room for a few weeks until my current housemate had moved out .

I stayed with her over the weekend and on sunday she told me that she wouldn't be moving in at all as she felt it wasn't supportive of me to not let her in straight away, and that she was imposing a three month ban on me talking to her and she didn't feel she could be friends with me anymore as we were still sleeping together and that's not what friends do (even though she kept encouuraging it)  She said that's it i'm out of her life and wouldn't be making an effort to contact me again.

I have been really supportive of her, even after we broke up, even after she got with a new guy, and even after they split. 

Did I kick in her fear of abandonment?  Have I been painted black?  Does anyone think that's it now and we will never speak again(well make contact i may bump into her as we live in a small town)

Shall I just leave her to it?  I want to support her but i felt her demand to move in straight away no questions asked was a bit much.  and in the cold light of day i thought living with my ex-girlfriend would be a bit strange if one of us brought someone new home we were dating.

Any other advice?

thanks.

[Confused108]

My advice to you  is RUN!  They paint you black and punish us with their slumber treatment. It Does NOT GET BETTER! It only gets worse unless they go for therapy!

[patrick1991]

I also agree with Confused108. Run and grab a popcorn and a chair and watch the next person she tries to ruin. Your situation happened to me many a time with me ex and it will continue to happen i'm afraid to say. As much as we want to believe we can help them and it will get better with time it won't. They will continue to push/pull you until you're a blubbering mess.

[stimpy]

What I picked up about her behaviour is the following

- words and actions don't match
- push pull
- little or no concern about your feelings (ie lack of empathy)
- drama and crisis
- impulsivity (especially around sex)
- emotional blackmail and shaming (of you)
- suicide attempt and possible ideation
- triangulation
- lack of boundaries
- chaotic lifestyle
- poor relationship with parent(s?)

Consider that you have dodged a bullet and RUN

[Aesir]

Hi all first post here,

This may be quite long winded and if anything is unclear with what I'm saying then do ask me to clarify.

I have known this girl for a long time (10+ years) on and off as we live in the same town. 2 1/2 years ago we were at the same wedding and had a bit of a chat, got on well and she texted me the next day saying we should meet up sometime, so we went out a few times over the course of six months.  But nothing happened as she said she just wanted to be friends.  However over that xmas period we were hanging out quite a lot and then slept together that NYE. A few days later she sent me a message saying she didn't feel she could commit to a relationship as she wasn't over her ex-bf yet and hoped we could remain friends. 

We didn't see much of each other over 2015, but early last year things picked up again, we went out for lunch got drunk and ended up kissing as we parted ways.  I knew by this point i really liked her so asked her on text the next day what was going on, and she said she had personal issues, but if she could she would be with me... .I was getting confused as she kept saying just friends but would then always come onto me.

We then saw each other about once a month over the next few months, and then in May we sat down and she discussed with me that she had depression, anxiety and her mother was battling a drink problem so didn't feel a relationship was a good idea.  I respected that and we carried on as friends, but we were hanging out increasinly, and then on another evening out i said to her can we confirm this is just us as friends now as I was feeling a lot towards her. She said yes just friends.  a few days later she invited me over to watch a film, and pretty much frog marched me into her room where we had sex 3-4 times over that evening. she said she was actually in love with me and couldn't stop thinking about me all the time, but was scared of a relationship as she had a fear of intimacy and could we take things slowly.

I said yes, so we were then offically a couple... .things were fine then a few days later at her house, we were chatting away and she suddenly said I had to get out of her house, apon me driving home she sent me a wikipedia link to BPD and said this is what she thought she had... .I was then away on guys holiday the next day and her housemate rang me to say she had taken an overdose of paracetamol and was in hospital.  I returned a couple of days later, where she said she couldn't deal with the relationship/life/everything and that it was over between us.

We then didn't see each other for around three months, then we met up for a drink one evening and it was fine, then i saw her again jsut before christmas and she'd been drinking and we ended up having sex, but both agreed it was just a one off. I said i was there to support her through everything and we agreed to meet up regulary to keep in contact.   She then text me to say she had a new boyfriend at new year, however things didn't go well and it ended pretty quickly, however during this i also told her i loved her and she said she didn't feel the same way but couldn't handle not having me in her life to support her.

By this time her housemates had enough of her drinking and erratic behaviour, and she was due to leave this weekend just gone, her relationship with her dad is rocky and although she could have gone to him it wouldn't have been a good atmosphere.  She then asked me to stay at mine and i said yes but only once my housemate had moved onto his new house in a couple of weeks as i felt heavy drinking around his young daughter wasn't appropriate, and she said she would stay with ex-boyfriend until the room at mine was unavaliable. She had wanted to stay in my room for a few weeks until my current housemate had moved out .

I stayed with her over the weekend and on sunday she told me that she wouldn't be moving in at all as she felt it wasn't supportive of me to not let her in straight away, and that she was imposing a three month ban on me talking to her and she didn't feel she could be friends with me anymore as we were still sleeping together and that's not what friends do (even though she kept encouuraging it)  She said that's it i'm out of her life and wouldn't be making an effort to contact me again.

I have been really supportive of her, even after we broke up, even after she got with a new guy, and even after they split. 

Did I kick in her fear of abandonment?  Have I been painted black?  Does anyone think that's it now and we will never speak again(well make contact i may bump into her as we live in a small town)

Shall I just leave her to it?  I want to support her but i felt her demand to move in straight away no questions asked was a bit much.  and in the cold light of day i thought living with my ex-girlfriend would be a bit strange if one of us brought someone new home we were dating.

Any other advice?

thanks.

I agree with confused108. Since she's already banned you I would let her go. Especially since she thinks she can come and go as she pleases. If she does not get help you are in for a hard time. I know it's hard to let go but I think it may be for the best. Everything revolves around her problems and she doesn't seem to care at all how YOU feel.

[Confused108]

What I picked up about her behaviour is the following

- words and actions don't match
- push pull
- little or no concern about your feelings (ie lack of empathy)
- drama and crisis
- impulsivity (especially around sex)
- emotional blackmail and shaming (of you)
- suicide attempt and possible ideation
- triangulation
- lack of boundaries
- chaotic lifestyle
- poor relationship with parent(s?)

Consider that you have dodged a bullet and RUN

YES Stimpy! My ex 100% in a "Nut" Shell!

[Confused108]

I will tell u this. My mom broke myself and my ex up when we were teens. 14 yo. My mother threatened my ex to stay away from me and basically told her I was dating another person . That was a total lie. Anyway after this my ex went loopy and her parents put her In a mental hospital for 2 months. Friends said she came out worse then when she went in. Anyway when I tried getting my ex back at first she was all for it still loved me etc. . The. Came this dark side to her that I never saw before and she became this different person. Didn't want me anymore etc. lived to hurt me. Lied to me constantly. Painted me black and casted me out of her life for 26 years! Fast forward Feb 2013 found me on FB . I put her off for 2 1/2 years of her trying to bait me. I had NO Idea how mentally ill she was and we started up again. This girl was the love of my life. Then started the push/ pull. The lies etc etc. the idealazation then the devaluation then the final discard. I was mentally raped by the end  and could not belive that she did the same exact thing to me as adults that she did as teens. So you see. They don't change. RUN! I wish I would have knows what my ex was . I would Never have even excepted her friends request. And Oh YES I've been painted BLACK. But I've been stalked by herbthru social media weird cell calls / house and emails pranks etc. RUN RUN Run!

[whitehorse]

Thanks for the replies.

I should also add, that last summer she said she loved me, but earlier this month said that she said that 'she just wanted to love someone so bad, she got drunk and didn't mean it'

I just feel awful now about her living situation as I don't even know what she's going to do now. but I also feel she was manipulating me to get what she wanted, it was like i didn't bow down to her request of staying in my room until the room was avaliable so instantly I was discarded for good.

I'm just so sad at the moment.

[Confused108]

Thanks for the replies.

I should also add, that last summer she said she loved me, but earlier this month said that she said that 'she just wanted to love someone so bad, she got drunk and didn't mean it'

I just feel awful now about her living situation as I don't even know what she's going to do now. but I also feel she was manipulating me to get what she wanted, it was like i didn't bow down to her request of staying in my room until the room was avaliable so instantly I was discarded for good.

I'm just so sad at the moment.

I  am so very sorry your going thru this crap. I know it hurts like hell. My ex told me she never loved me... .only as a friend and didn't know why she ever told me that to begin with! So I know how you feel. If I were you I would get educated about BPD . Go to the book store or go to Amazon.com and order  some BPD books. Read all you can about the disorder. Good books are Stop
 Walking on Eggshells. I Hate You , Don't Leave me! And another good one I'm reading now is Boderline Personality Disorder for Dummies. It's Amazing! Once you become familiar with the disorder and it's many faces it does take some sting out of you. Hang in there and unless your ex gets help ... .she will always be like this. Sad unfortunately.

[whitehorse]

I  am so very sorry your going thru this crap. I know it hurts like hell. My ex told me she never loved me... .only as a friend and didn't know why she ever told me that to begin with! So I know how you feel. If I were you I would get educated about BPD . Go to the book store or go to Amazon.com and order  some BPD books. Read all you can about the disorder. Good books are Stop
 Walking on Eggshells. I Hate You , Don't Leave me! And another good one I'm reading now is Boderline Personality Disorder for Dummies. It's Amazing! Once you become familiar with the disorder and it's many faces it does take some sting out of you. Hang in there and unless your ex gets help ... .she will always be like this. Sad unfortunately.

She claims she is getting help but what that exactly is I don't know.


Her drinking is out of control and that's the most problamatic part of it at the moment.

I'm wondering if she'll ever apologise for what she said or will she ever try to come back (even as a friend) I need to have my guard up this time.

I care for her so much but she won't let me help anymore.

[whitehorse]

Anyone got a clue as to what was going on? As I can't make head or tail of any of it?

What did I mean to her?

5 days NC and not been tempted to speak to her... .don't think I will either. But still want to try and figure out what was happening!

[once removed]

hi whitehorse and

im really sorry to hear about the circumstances that have brought you here, but im glad you found us.

have you had an opportunity to read around the board yet? as you read the stories of others, youll see that you are not alone and many members have walked ore are walking in your shoes. the lessons directly to the right will help you to process, give you insight into the disorder, and address many of your questions, in addition to us here.

Anyone got a clue as to what was going on? As I can't make head or tail of any of it?

BPD involves an intense fear of perceived rejection; it does sound as if she took your hesitance to have her move in very personally. thats not your fault.

it does sound like you have tried to be very supportive to her. i encourage you, during this time, to be very supportive to yourself. are you seeing a therapist? many members have found it an invaluable tool to their recovery and healing.

[whitehorse]

hi whitehorse and

im really sorry to hear about the circumstances that have brought you here, but im glad you found us.

have you had an opportunity to read around the board yet? as you read the stories of others, youll see that you are not alone and many members have walked ore are walking in your shoes. the lessons directly to the right will help you to process, give you insight into the disorder, and address many of your questions, in addition to us here.

BPD involves an intense fear of perceived rejection; it does sound as if she took your hesitance to have her move in very personally. thats not your fault.

it does sound like you have tried to be very supportive to her. i encourage you, during this time, to be very supportive to yourself. are you seeing a therapist? many members have found it an invaluable tool to their recovery and healing.

Thanks for the advice and I will have a look around the board.

I haven't yet spoken to a therapist, not sure what they can say to me?

I agree, as when she said she didn't care to see me again, she accused me of not wanting her to move into my house and that I didn't care for her, which couldn't be further from the truth.  

I do sometimes wonder whether she likes me more than she lets on as we continually sleep together and she told her friends and family how much she liked me in the summer.

One conversation in the summer I said due to us being a bit on and off some of my friends thought we should keep it just as friends. 

She brought that up at the weekend and said it sounded like I would have been embarrassed about her, ever since that comment its been difficult between us and her 'feelings' towards me have been different.  I do wonder if I triggered something evening even if it wasn't enough to paint me black at the time.

[whitehorse]

Well she broke NC by texting me this on Friday night... .

'Everything is perfect with you, why can't i love you?, I don't want you to sell yourself short'

Anyone care to help me interpretate that?

[once removed]

'Everything is perfect with you, why can't i love you?, I don't want you to sell yourself short'

Anyone care to help me interpretate that?

its a statement of emotional unavailability - an honest one.

how has it made you feel?

[whitehorse]

its a statement of emotional unavailability - an honest one.

how has it made you feel?

Confused if I'm honest!

Not sure what to do from here on... .

I still love her. 

[once removed]

it is confusing. on the surface its a very mixed message. ultimately its an idealization of you, and a devaluation of herself. ever heard of someone saying "youre too good for me"? its a similar kind of statement.
 
it may help to let some anxiety pass, and to depersonalize the letter a bit - read it from a third person perspective.

its okay to still love her and its okay to not be sure what to do. in my experience, whatever you do, dont act on anxiety, give it some time.

[whitehorse]

it is confusing. on the surface its a very mixed message. ultimately its an idealization of you, and a devaluation of herself. ever heard of someone saying "youre too good for me"? its a similar kind of statement.
 
it may help to let some anxiety pass, and to depersonalize the letter a bit - read it from a third person perspective.

its okay to still love her and its okay to not be sure what to do. in my experience, whatever you do, dont act on anxiety, give it some time.

She's said I'm too good for her on a number of occasions, and last week said 'remember these three words, you deserve better'

I'm not sure of whether its a polite way of pushing me away because she doesn't feel the same way, or perhaps she does but is scared, hurt by others in the past and worried it wil happen again or is really in love with me but doesn't feel she deserves me?

[once removed]

its a fundamental belief system, about herself, about love, about the world, and shes expressing it. its deeply ingrained.

do you agree or disagree with her when she says those things?

[whitehorse]

its a fundamental belief system, about herself, about love, about the world, and shes expressing it. its deeply ingrained.

do you agree or disagree with her when she says those things?

I disagree, she is good enough for me, I do tell her that!

[once removed]

i said this earlier in another thread:

imagine that you believe you are ugly - not just hard on yourself, but believe it the same as you believe the sky is blue. if i came along and tried to convince you otherwise, its going to sound off, and make you uncomfortable. it may even come off as insincere.

this is deeply ingrained stuff. whatever you do, it will help to understand (now and in the future) that one person cant supply another persons self worth.

do you intend to respond?

[whitehorse]

i said this earlier in another thread:

this is deeply ingrained stuff. whatever you do, it will help to understand (now and in the future) that one person cant supply another persons self worth.

do you intend to respond?

I already have, and i think the conclusion is we should keep away from each other for the time being. (although that's painful enough)

other texts i got were

'I wish I could love you, without loving myself I don't know where to go'   

and

'I don't want to be with myself so how can I want to be with anyone else?'


I suppose me telling her she's beautiful etc all the time isn't helping when she has such a low opinion of herself.

[whitehorse]

nothing from her today.

perhaps that's it for a while now... .