Courage to Face Reality

[OrangeWhale]

This is my first post and first time I've ever "told" anyone what goes on behind close doors at my house:

Have been married to my wife of almost 16 years - married at 21 years old.
Have three adopted children; have foster parented and, unsuccessfully went through infertility treatment for several years.
Adopted children are 11 - Autism & ADHD; 7 - Diabetic 1 and ADHD and 4 - born at 26 weeks.
I have been a professional counselor and pastor (not at the same time) for the past 13 years.
I’m a grown child of an alcoholic/drug addicted family with emotional and physical abuse.
My wife displays a wide range of BPD and NPD characteristics.
My anger, sadness, uncharacteristic behaviors and desire to leave scare the hell out of me.
I’ve been on my road of healing from codependency, people-pleasing and rescuing for a long time - I still have a long, long way to go.

This past weekend I came down with the flu and my wife, which is usual, yelled, criticized, questioned and shamed me for not being strong enough to push through the pain and help her more with our kids. Last night she shamed me for choosing a protein drink for supper instead of wanting/accepting the soup she offered to make me. It’s always something. When my needs come to the forefront my wife becomes volatile, dismissive and demanding. I can’t live up to the ever-changing expectations, but know if I budge against them the kids and I will pay the price. I don’t want the kids to grow up with divorced parents but don’t want to expose them to this maliciousness anymore either.

This could turn into a book, but I’ll spare you. I know marriage and raising kids is hard work - this marriage feels like a prison. I believe marriage is forever, but it’s tormenting to see myself raising my kids for the next decade and me living the next 40 years this way. I don't want to fixate on my wife's, nor my, weaknesses unnecessarily. I do, however, what to get healthier. I'm embarrassed as a man to be sharing what I perceive as abuse against me but the pain is larger than the embarrassment at this point. Frankly, I need help - something I've sucked at verbalizing.

Thanks for "listening."

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Lockjaw]

Well if you were/are a minister, then you also know that there are no degrees of sin in God's eye. Every sin is just a sin. So... .getting a divorce doesn't bar you from heaven.

I understand what you are saying. My uBP GF has an autistic son. I think she could do more to address some of his behavior, but doesn't. I basically said to her, you know, he will be an adult one day, and you will have him running your life if you don't make some changes.

She seems more focused on my kids, and what i need to do with them. She has high expectations of them. Why can't she has them for her son too? He is no dummy. He's very bright, he has just learned if he is loud, he can get his way.

I got into an argument with mine yesterday, and I am coming down with something. I had sinus surgery in 2015, because I kept a sinus infection, and feel sort of like that is what I have. When I get one, I really have no drive to do much. It saps the life out of me. And then of course she wants to argue. About stupid stuff.

Married to her or divorced, you will still have to deal with her. The big difference is you won't have to come home and see her every day. That peace will cost you money, trust me, I know, you just have to decide if in the end it is worth the price. God will forgive you, and quite frankly with the kids you have, and all their issues, you need a healthy parent to co-parent with you.

Whatever you do, I would hate for you to experience what I feel today. I am 50, divorced twice, and feel like I wasted the last 23 years of my life. I could have had more sex, gone on trips, saved more money, enjoyed my life, built a partnership with someone who really wanted me, not someone that wanted me to rescue them, or fix their house. Or car. Or watch their kids for free.

You do not get a do over in life. I want one so bad, I can't stand it today. I really do. Sorry, didn't mean to hijack. I hope you feel better. Spend some time on your knees praying, search your soul, and then make a decision, and don't look back.

[Mutt]

H OrangeWhale,  



I'd like to join Lockjaw and welcome you to BPDFAMILY. I'm sorry to hear that you're going through a difficult time. I can see how ambiguity about our marriage can create a lot of distressing feelings. You're not alone.

This is a safe platform where you can share your thoughts and feelings and not be judged or invalidated. I can relate with your story, I recall my ex wife would fly into a rage for the way I looked at her, the tone of my voice or how I breathed.

Is your wife diagnosed with BPD? Is she willing to get help?

What do you do for self care? I can see how you would burn the candle at both ends from what you've shared with us. What is your support network like with family and friends?

Setting Boundaries and Setting Limits

[Tattered Heart]

Welcome Orange,

Life with someone with BPD can be so frustrating and tiring at times. I think you've found a great place to share what's going on and find ways to help improve your situation. It's very difficult to say, "I am being abused" and I can imagine that for a H that it's even harder because of the stigma that goes with it. Being in a daily relationship with someone with BPD isn't like a normal day. It's a constant practice of assessing yourself, forgiving when needed, validation, and more work than a "normal" relationship requires. You don't want to walk on egg shells, but you do need to be aware of what is going on with them so you can communicate appropriately with them.

Do you feel that as a pastor/minister that you have to hide what is going on even more?

I hope you can find the support you need here. I know for me, to just say it outloud and NOT be judged for what is going on in my home is so comforting. Everyone here is in the same boat: trying to figure out how to live as peaceably as possible with their pwBPD.

[livednlearned]

This could turn into a book, but I’ll spare you.

No need to spare! Tell your story until you feel lighter.

It helps.

It's how many here feel less alone.

Thanks for "listening."

 

Gift this to yourself. It will build.

[slcguy]

It is hard for a man to admit that he is being abused.  We think we should be strong enough to defend ourselves, that is where the techniques discussed here really help.  The techniques that are taught here teach you how to defend yourself from abuse while still being caring and loving to your significant other.  It is difficult and I am still learning but the little I have learned has helped a lot.  Can't speak for others, but your experience with the raging/abuse getting worse when you are sick has been something I have experienced also, basically every time I get sick.  My favorite one is when I get blamed for disrupting her social life by getting sick. Knowing that the person is mentally ill and that the behavior I am seeing results from that mental illness helps to make me more compassionate and able to deal with it.  There is an article on this site on JADE.  It stands for things you should not do:  Justify, Argue, Defend and Explain.  Doing any of those just prolongs the confrontation and does not resolve it.  This is hard to understand and even harder to do but it has really helped me.  You should try to find it.

[isilme]

It's hard for most people to even realize they are being abused - especially if you come from an abusive background, your "normal" setting does not match what other people with healthier families expect.  Both of my parents have some variation of BPD - mom more manipulative and emotional - dad more violent and coldly calculating.  She scares me and makes me angry, and I feel guilt for un-enmeshing myself from her.  He, still after 20 years of not speaking, can invoke and unreasonable terror in me.  Fight or flight response at the idea of even seeing him. 

You may find some help for yourself by taking a look at the boards on here for those who have/had parents who were most likely BPD as well - we find what we know.  I found this site partly for help in my r/s with H, but also because I finally had some breakthroughs about how I was treated as a child, and needed a place like this with people who'd understand.  A big part of helping things at home starts with taking care of you.

Feel free to type away.  Some of us (like me) are only on here hen not at home - this site is not something I'd share with H, ever.  He'd never understand how I need a place to talk about things since I don't mention it to friends and I have no family (mine are so toxic I am not in contact with them). 

H can be rally helpful for a short, short time after it's determined I really am sick, but after a while, he gets upset with me for being sick either because I can't do anything, or am doing too much - it's never consistent.  But when he is sick he has license to complain, be rude, snap, and just be unpleasant and want me to feel as bad as he does.  His misery craves company.

It's far easier to nitpick someone's else's kids than look at your own, even without BPD.  Because admitting you can do a better job with your own kids is hard for a person without an emotional disorder - it's insurmountable with BPD.  So they will pick on anyone else and their children, so they can avoid shame about how they may be falling short with their own.   

I have to agree, divorce may be best in some cases if it makes the child's day to day drama lessen.  I wish my parents had divorced years ago - they allowed it to get to the point where I had to stop him from killing her by strangulation, and she was attempting suicide by overdose, leaving me performing rescue breathing on her while waiting for paramedics.  I was 14-15 at the time.  Once they did split, even though they both have BPD/severe abusive/neglectful issues, cutting the drama in half was good for me.  By the time I got to college, I actually had started developing my own personality and was more than some approve amalgam of the two of them.  Dad kicking me out at 19, while traumatic, was the best thing he ever did because it gave me a clear cut reason to have nothing to do with him from then on.  And you know what?  God is there with you, He sees and knows your struggles and while divorce is a sin, forgiveness and understanding are God's to hand out.  And I think He will understand whatever you choose.

Read more on the site, post as often as you need - it helps me to write things out and get them out of my head.