My Grief Lessons

[Our abuse recovery guide]

It's been awhile since I wrote here. I felt like I was doing much better recovering from my "experience" with my highly abusive FOO. I had been NC for 13 years, but was starting to play with LC, which only consisted of me contacting them and hearing nothing in return. I thought when either of my parents died, there would be little or no grieving, because I felt like I grieved the loss of a "family" for the last 13 years and most importantly the final rejection by both parents as they repeatedly said, "we wish we'd never had you".
But, when I was informed last Summer that "mom" was dying, I realized that there were emotions in me still. As I heard about other relatives flying in from out of state and out of the country to say "goodbye" to "mom" and I stayed away for my physical and mental safety, I felt like I was losing my mind. Then when "mom" did die a few months later, I began experiencing a whole new grief. There was/is a sense that there was no justice and no healing (I didn't press charges out of fear of retaliation when she tried to kill me). Whenever I've mentioned something about the process of grief being difficult for me, others ignore, change the subject, or mention another family's grief work. It's as if I still don't count because I had been cut out of my parent's lives... .and that seems to be okay with them.
Sometimes I feel like it might be best to completely go NC with all members of FOO and quit trying to reach out. It's even difficult with my DD and DS and in-laws.
I went to a grief support group for a few months, but 99.9% of the videos and homework was geared towards those who had LOVED ones die, not ones who hated them and wished them dead.
I thought her dying would be a relief to me and others might begin speaking the truth about what happened to me and what she was really like. But instead, ranks have been closed and the abusive silence continues.
Every Holiday and Birthday comes and goes without any card, call, visit from most of the relatives. Somehow I felt that "mom" was the instigating factor (she was the most abusive and low functioning, controlling of the bunch). Somehow I felt that "dad" might reach out to me. Ive been told he's reached out to others, apologizing for "not being there" over the years because of my "mom".
So the grief I experienced these last 13 years seems wasted for preparing me for the death of my "mom". I don't want to spend the rest of my life wasting grief on the loss of sisters and a dad that couldn't care whether I lived or died.

[survivorof2]

It's been awhile since I wrote here. I felt like I was doing much better recovering from my "experience" with my highly abusive FOO. I had been NC for 13 years, but was starting to play with LC, which only consisted of me contacting them and hearing nothing in return. I thought when either of my parents died, there would be little or no grieving, because I felt like I grieved the loss of a "family" for the last 13 years and most importantly the final rejection by both parents as they repeatedly said, "we wish we'd never had you".
But, when I was informed last Summer that "mom" was dying, I realized that there were emotions in me still. As I heard about other relatives flying in from out of state and out of the country to say "goodbye" to "mom" and I stayed away for my physical and mental safety, I felt like I was losing my mind. Then when "mom" did die a few months later, I began experiencing a whole new grief. There was/is a sense that there was no justice and no healing (I didn't press charges out of fear of retaliation when she tried to kill me). Whenever I've mentioned something about the process of grief being difficult for me, others ignore, change the subject, or mention another family's grief work. It's as if I still don't count because I had been cut out of my parent's lives... .and that seems to be okay with them.
Sometimes I feel like it might be best to completely go NC with all members of FOO and quit trying to reach out. It's even difficult with my DD and DS and in-laws.
I went to a grief support group for a few months, but 99.9% of the videos and homework was geared towards those who had LOVED ones die, not ones who hated them and wished them dead.
I thought her dying would be a relief to me and others might begin speaking the truth about what happened to me and what she was really like. But instead, ranks have been closed and the abusive silence continues.
Every Holiday and Birthday comes and goes without any card, call, visit from most of the relatives. Somehow I felt that "mom" was the instigating factor (she was the most abusive and low functioning, controlling of the bunch). Somehow I felt that "dad" might reach out to me. Ive been told he's reached out to others, apologizing for "not being there" over the years because of my "mom".
So the grief I experienced these last 13 years seems wasted for preparing me for the death of my "mom". I don't want to spend the rest of my life wasting grief on the loss of sisters and a dad that couldn't care whether I lived or died.

[Naughty Nibbler]

Hi Survivorof2:  

I'm so sorry about the tough time you have had. Welcome back to our online family.  There are members here who can relate to the grieving process for an abusive parent.  

When I was informed last Summer that "mom" was dying, I realized that there were emotions in me still. . . Then when "mom" did die a few months later, I began experiencing a whole new grief. There was/is a sense that there was no justice and no healing (I didn't press charges out of fear of retaliation when she tried to kill me). Whenever I've mentioned something about the process of grief being difficult for me, others ignore, change the subject, or mention another family's grief work. It's as if I still don't count because I had been cut out of my parent's lives... .and that seems to be okay with them.

Her death makes the situation final.  It puts you in a situation to rehash the past and realize that the door has closed on any possible apology on her part.  There is no chance for a reconciliation on any level.  

I can't imagine having a parent try to kill me. Has anyone in the family ever discussed the situation with you, or do they deny and/or excuse it?  Were you your mom's favorite person to pick on and paint black? Would you look at you dad as an enabler?   Do other members in the family appear to have mental disorders?

I'm thinking that some relatives just want to stay out of discussing your mom.  Others may have heard a bunch of lies through the years.  Even if some of them experienced your mom's bad behavior, they had no idea what happened behind closed doors.  

Sometimes I feel like it might be best to completely go NC with all members of FOO and quit trying to reach out. It's even difficult with my DD and DS and in-laws.

The best thing for you may be to  RADICAL ACCEPT that you won't reconcile with any relatives on your side of the family.  :)on't expect a card, a call or an email.  If something does appear, then perhaps you have an opportunity, but don't keep yourself in a situation of hoping and wondering.

The Survivor's Guide at the right has some helpful information.  You can click on each step to get a pop up window.  Not everyone goes through the steps in order.  Some people may stall on a step for awhile, others may seem to speed through the steps, only to back track.  

It's hard to forgive, but that can be a good goal.  Forgiveness is actually for you and can help with the grieving process.  Have you thought about getting some therapy?  Some people do some journaling to work through their anger and emotions.  Some people might hand write their thoughts on paper or capture them electronically and then print them out and then destroy them in some way (shredding, burning, etc.).

If you look at the Survivor's Guide in the right margin, what stage are you in at the moment, Remembering or Mourning?

If you want to post about some more details about your relationship with your mom, there will be listening ears here when you are ready to share more.