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Author Topic: This just doesn't makes any sense - 2  (Read 2817 times)
FallenOne
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« Reply #30 on: January 20, 2017, 02:34:17 PM »

Then I got emotional one day, and she broke up with me.  It always seemed like everytime I had a break down she left me.

Then off for a couple months and back on as friends with benefits.  Then I had another breakdown and she left a few days after that.

What do you mean by breakdown? What kind of breakdown?
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FallenOne
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« Reply #31 on: January 20, 2017, 02:39:34 PM »

I will add my ex was never there for me either. I could not have an off or down day.
Had to be up and on all the time for her. Completely rock solid stable.
It became a way of life. burring my own feelings and being there for her.

I got the same thing from mine... When I was pissed about something, she thought it was her fault or something that she did, and wouldn't believe me when I said it wasn't her causing it... Sometimes she left the house when I got upset, or would get snippy and pissy... I was having a bad day a few days just before the most recent breakup a month ago... I woke up in a bad mood one day and a few days later she left me... I also had to be on my best behavior all the time.
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« Reply #32 on: January 20, 2017, 02:40:31 PM »

What do you mean by breakdown? What kind of breakdown?

I would just be having a bad day and need a shoulder to cry on so a i would go to her for comfort.  She would tell me it's ok to cry, but then pull a 180 and leave me.

I was not getting much sleep at this time and being with her made things hard. I loved her to death, but then at the drop of a hat I seemed to get emotional. Mostly because lack of sleep.
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« Reply #33 on: January 20, 2017, 03:22:34 PM »

Quoting her:

"I know it's only been a few weeks, but I am in love with you."

It was often, sometimes in our relationship when it was the most appropriate times. Then this past year it was less and less. But even when she went to "leave me" last May and September she said she still loved me. So she never actually left. But this week, she really left me and I realized she hadn't said it to me in probably 2 months.
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« Reply #34 on: January 20, 2017, 05:00:30 PM »

Mostly because lack of sleep.

This is huge! In hindsight, I realize that I was not getting enough sleep. If it wasn't the kids keeping me awake, it was him or, I was staying up to get work done.

It is really difficult to pinpoint when the turbulence started. There were rough patches here and there during our marriage. I feel like I caused most of them because I was wanting and needing more. Usually, it was because I was having a down time and needed some support. It seemed like I had to be the rock. If I couldn't be the rock, then things would get weird. Once I would gather myself and return to being the rock, everything would stabilize.

That was really exhausting. Things took their final plunge when I had pretty much had enough of him being unavailable to help me with basic things. I was tired and I just couldn't keep my head about me any longer. When he was down or having a rough time, I supported him and took up the slack. He couldn't do the same for me.
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Lifewriter16
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« Reply #35 on: January 20, 2017, 05:14:35 PM »

Hi All.

I think I remember someone on this site saying that when a pwBPD says that they love you, what they are really meaning is 'tell me you love me.' That puts a whole new complexion on things for me.

LW
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anothercasualty
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« Reply #36 on: January 20, 2017, 06:03:01 PM »

I will add my ex was never there for me either. I could not have an off or down day.
Had to be up and on all the time for her. Completely rock solid stable.
It became a way of life. burring my own feelings and being there for her.


Ditto! My ex was very self-centered when it came to supporting through difficulty. She was supportive when a close family member died, but that was the only time that she let me be vulnerable and supported during our 2 years.

And, I figured out we never went beyond three weeks without some sort of fight which would be followed by her silent treatment. I don't miss that crap at all.
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FallenOne
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« Reply #37 on: January 20, 2017, 07:34:08 PM »

I see a lot of stories about them not being very supportive of you during hard times and bad days, but expecting your unquestioned support...

Mine definitely needed a constant supply of support, and I gave her a lot of support most of the time... She eventually expected my support though... However, when I was going through a hard time, she was actually pretty supportive most of the time as well...

I had lost a few jobs, father was in the hospital, a friend passed away... I got really depressed and emotional when some of this stuff happened, and she was pretty understanding about it.

Is this uncommon?

Because I'm reading a lot about them bailing on people and being harsh when their partners needed support.
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Cookie Monster

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« Reply #38 on: January 20, 2017, 10:31:46 PM »

Matt,

Yes, I think it happens as a result of their disorder, they don't do it intentionally.  I don't know if you've been able to do much reading here on this web site, but there is an awesome amount of information.  In addition, there are a lot of insightful people who can answer questions you have.  From my personal experience, my husband would feel abandoned (you may know that's a significant source of distress for them) if my attention was diverted to someone or something else other than him.  When I was pregnant he would anticipate abandonment when the baby was born.  When I returned to college to finish my education, he felt abandoned as a result of the time I needed to put into that.  I did not know Bullet: comment directed to __ (click to insert in post) the time that he had BPD, I couldn't understand the lack of support-I just assumed he was going to help.  I realize now how lousy our communication skills were.  I think the key is to learn how to change your  interaction with them rather than to try to change them.  I don't think I communicated exactly what I needed from him, & I felt a lot of resentment when he didn't try to help.  Don't take things personally, but remember they are disordered, so they put most of their energy towards just surviving in the world.  They may not be capable of anticipating the needs of others like the nons are, due to the disordered thinking. Hope this helps, CM
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FallenOne
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« Reply #39 on: January 20, 2017, 10:38:39 PM »

 Bullet: contents of text or email (click to insert in post) Cookie Monster 

Well, what I meant to ask is if it's uncommon for them to be supportive when I'm going through a hard time, because mine was fairly supportive.
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Cookie Monster

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« Reply #40 on: January 20, 2017, 11:22:21 PM »

Matt,

I see.  I'm glad she was supportive.  That 's just my experience, so maybe I shouldn't make a blanket statement.  I have read some of the stories you described as well, but I'm sure everyone is different, pwBPD or not. CM
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Reforming
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« Reply #41 on: January 21, 2017, 06:09:48 AM »

Hi Matt,

My ex was certainly capable of being supportive and kind. There were also times - when she was dysregulated or overwhelmed - when she was very selfish and very destructive.

When we first come here most of us are struck by the similarities in our experiences. It can be very soothing to realise that others share many of our experiences.

But when we validate our own perspective by just focusing on our exes dysfunction we can lose sight of  that fact that our exes are all individuals, shaped by a complex interplay of genetics and environment. Some were higher functioning than others, many are undiagnosed and while they may display some BPD symptoms and behaviour - they don't fit all the criteria. Some are diagnosed and working on their recovery, which also presents huge challenges to both partners.

Validating our feelings is an important step in healing but when we just focus on the disorder we can also overlook our own part in what happened. There's reasons for this. Looking at our own behaviour can feel overwhelming when we're struggling to process intense feelings of grief and pain caused by rejection, betrayal or the loss of our relationship. In initial stages of grief it can feel very invalidating to be told that we also contributed to what happened.

But it's always easier to focus on the another person dysfunction and shift all responsibility elsewhere. The uncomfortable truth is that many of us were drawn to these relationships because of our own issues. You have recognised that you felt a strong need to rescue your ex - that you were drawn to her dependency. This was true of me and many others here. What need does that fulfil in you? What's the payoff?

Learning about the BPD helped me but learning more about myself really helped me understand the dynamic in my relationship much better and see it with more compassion.

When I look back at my relationship now I recognise while I could be supportive, kind and loyal I could also be selfish, destructive and controlling. Relationships and the people involved are complex and contradictory - not black and white stereotypes. When I really accepted this truth I realised that I was growing.

Good luck

Reforming
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FallenOne
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« Reply #42 on: January 21, 2017, 10:22:54 AM »

I've been going no contact for a month now. It's hard, especially since I was the one broken up with and at the time I didn't want it to happen. I still think about her daily. It just came out of nowhere overnight, which is what most others seem to experience too...

My no contact is forced though as mine filed a false restraining order which got passed for 18 months. I didn't deserve the restraining order, as I didn't do anything to her other than try to talk to her, but my attorney worked out a deal to satisfy both sides.

Anyway, even though she chose this, will it be harder for her in the long term to stay no contact? For others who have been in this situation, did they revoke the order at some point before it ended? Is there a good possibility that she might have the order revoked before the 18 months is up?
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« Reply #43 on: January 21, 2017, 11:39:20 AM »

it hurts to be cut off, and the restraining order, serious as it is, probably feels like some major and undeserved overkill.

are you wanting to hear from her?
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FallenOne
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« Reply #44 on: January 21, 2017, 11:42:29 AM »

are you wanting to hear from her?

Part of me does... Part of me doesn't... What I'm looking to know though is if other people had a similar situation and their ex changed their mind and revoked the order before it was expired... I guess I'm wondering what the chances are of that happening? Since I was painted black at the time she did this, I am wondering if when her replacement pisses her off, she might try to revoke it... Not so much so that I can speak to her, but to know that she doesn't hate me and that she sees me in a positive light I suppose?
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« Reply #45 on: January 21, 2017, 11:51:11 AM »

I got really depressed and emotional when some of this stuff happened, and she was pretty understanding about it.

Is this uncommon?

Because I'm reading a lot about... .

i think this is the same line of thinking that was mentioned - looking at her in terms of a monolithic robot.

there are millions of people with BPD (approximately 14 million in america) that are all very different individuals. there are millions of stories on this board, too, in which you will find commonality to be certain, but literally millions of behaviors that may be contradictory to, or not apply to your ex. its a bit of a rabbit hole to use someone else, or someone elses experience, as a proxy.

people with BPD can be very caring and supportive, as much as anyone else. they are teachers, therapists, volunteers, caretakers, etc. mine especially loved to take care of sick loved ones, and was perhaps the most thoughtful gift giver ive ever met.

they also struggle with their own emotions and when our emotions are heightened, especially toward loved ones, its difficult to put ourselves in someone elses shoes and show support. we have probably all been there. when im depressed, nothing feels more invalidating or draining than someone dumping their problems on me, and i have trouble conjuring the compassion to even hear them.

does this help?
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« Reply #46 on: January 21, 2017, 11:59:47 AM »

lots of people have had similar situations, but i doubt any of them inform what your ex will or wont do.

Not so much so that I can speak to her, but to know that she doesn't hate me and that she sees me in a positive light I suppose?

so youre wondering if she will ever see you in a positive light? i get that, and in fact i would bet on it. whether seeing you in a positive light will be a fleeting moment, or something more permanent is impossible to say. but i know its pretty surreal to have a loved one see you this way, it hurts to the core.

reading between the lines, it also sounds like you would take her reaching out as an indication she sees you in a positive light?
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« Reply #47 on: January 21, 2017, 12:44:01 PM »

I think the pros here already covered it, but I'll just add personally my ex was one of the most caring people I ever met. I am still learning, but doesn't this apply to the concept of authentic and false selves? Even though all traits our partners are part of who they are, isn't being unsupportive often the defense mechanism too? There were times when my ex was repulsed by my emotions and needs because she rejects those things in herself so badly. I feel her kindness was part of the authentic self she was building, to help others to heal herself.
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« Reply #48 on: January 21, 2017, 12:46:02 PM »

Not to invalidate th crummy aspects you experienced, Matt. People are still responsible for their behavior
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michel71
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« Reply #49 on: January 21, 2017, 06:37:08 PM »

I guess the answer is that it is a spectrum disorder so it depends on where the person falls on the spectrum. I can tell you that my uBPDw was very supportive in all things that did not involve any dissatisfaction that I might have with her or things relating to her.
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« Reply #50 on: January 22, 2017, 02:16:28 AM »

As others have said its on a spectrum also not every pwBPD has all nine traits so some of the traits that are associated with selfishness may not be in all pwBPD.

I think it depends on how badly negativity affects them. Some pwBPD seem to mirror our moods so if were happy they are and if were sad they are. I don't think this is intentional mirroring but more of a contagious effect that others moods have on them. If they aren't affected that strongly then I can see that they can be supportive but if negativity does affect them then when were having a bad time they will change to that mood and mindset.
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« Reply #51 on: January 22, 2017, 06:29:09 AM »

Hi Matt, I went through a very difficult mental breakdown when xw and I were married, couldn't hold a job, bad depression, drinking, it was a very painful dark spot in my life. This was a result of xw's cruel sinister emotional abuse. She took every chance to abuse me, crush me, treat me like a dog, she looked at me as weak, I begged her for help she just looked at me and laughed. When she left I was an emotional mental disaster. Several years down the road from this mental nightmare I was diagnosed with a massive brain tumor. Xw was very different, her deep down intention was sinister but on the surface it was full of love, I clearly see that she was baiting me, it was the idealization phase, I was convinced we were going to be a couple again, I loved her very much and wanted us to be a family and she knew it. She very cruelty placed this in my lap knowing she was never going to make us a family. When I was discharged from the hospital after 2 major brain surgeries xw left me up in the city 185 miles from home, I had to call my family who I left out of my life and they came to get me. Xw was furious and very abusive but she wasn't done with me, she took me into her home for the community to see, looked after me, gave me all the sex I wanted, fed me, we were a family but xw was only hatching her plan of decietfulness. The devalue and push pull kicked in with her, I was a mental mess, but I got back on my feet asked her to be a couple again go to counselling,  she got into an abusive rant and discarded me in a most sinister way.
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« Reply #52 on: February 01, 2017, 01:21:12 AM »

Staff only

This thread has been locked due to reaching its post limit.  

The discussion is continued here

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=305603.0
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