Any experience improving relationship with couples retreat/intensive therapy?

[Riess2015]

Hello, wife with BPD, caught in affair a few months ago and we are at the breaking point, standard therapy isn't working/only works until we are both in a stressed environment.

Would like to hear from anyone that has gone to a couples weekend retreat (religious or not) and if that helped.

Thanks

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[Naughty Nibbler]

Hey Riess2015:   

I can't speak about experience with a couples retreat, but thought I'd share some thoughts.

Applying communication tools and strategy for stressed situations, will take some practice and an ongoing effort.  Perhaps the idea of a retreat is something to discuss with your therapist.  Your therapist might be familiar with some retreat choices for your area. 

I'm thinking a couples retreat may have some short-term benefits, but it will take reinforcement in the use of any skills presented, to benefit from the retreat in the long run.   One benefit from a retreat might be some shared enthusiasm.  Then the enthusiasm/momentum will likely need some form of reinforcement to help make the new skills become new habits.  A retreat, with some post therapy sessions to reinforce the skills learned, could be a beneficial combination. 

[Kyanite]

We have considered the same thing, mostly because DH won't go for long-term therapy. (We did try - the therapist was "not good" and the suggestions he made were "crap."  DH believes change should be quick through a week-long seminar like Tony Robbins. Ugh.

I agree that a retreat can be a great place to start, and would need follow-up to truly be effective. I have searched a lot for a retreat that would work for our family, and the only suitable option I came up with is a place in Tennessee. I have not yet signed us up for a couple of resons - first, we have food allergies and I am not certian this place will accomodate. Second, unless DH would agree to follow-up sessions, I feel it would be a waste of money.

We did try a couples weekend a few years ago that was based on Brene Brown's Wholehearted Living principles. DH nitpicked the whole thing and came up with every reason why it either didn't apply to him, or the couple leading the retreat was unqualified and therefore were not worth listening to. FWIW, DH seems to have more narcissistic tendencies than borderline. I hope you have a different experience.

[loyalwife]

  Hi!
    We went to a eight-week program called PACT using Stan Tatkins approach, "Wired for Love". Needless to say,it was a disaster. The concept was to help us communicate and my H w/BPD wanted nothing more than to validate his position. These sessions lasted a minimum of two hours usually three. The Therapist gained his trust and interjected good information for me to use. I explained to her that he was BPD (undiagnosed) and that I had been using techniques I learned on this site. He didn't like going and would continually go back into the old arguments, end up mad and in a bad mood. The last session that we had, he ran out of the room, throwing the car keys at me and saying it was over. I sat stunned in the office and that's when the therapist gave me all the guidance I needed. She said that I was in a ":)ouble Bind" and that I was dealing with an emotionally immature person that needed to be 'parented'. Her advice was to show little emotion during his tirades and that he didn't appreciate emotional responses. So, although this type of therapy was not successful in bringing up together as I'd hoped, it did help me understand better how to cope. I'm not quite sure that my husband will ever be able to respond and empathize with me as most couples do. When he is 'happy' the sun is out, yet when he is 'angry' it's stormy. When you love someone you are willing to do what you need to help them, but must also make sure you take care of yourself.  We are doing much better, although life isn't perfect and when his dark days come (which they do) I know it's just passing.