First Post: Sad, feeling beat down, just looking for some support

[Wild Rose]

I have been with my love for two and a half years. About two months ago, the pieces started coming together, I stumbled onto Stop Walking On Eggshells, and for the first chapter I just wept. With relief, that there was a hope maybe, of someone understanding something no one else in my life can understand, why I love a man no one I know can believe that I love.

It's been a roller coaster from the beginning. He's never had a relationship last more than a year and a half at 42, and I was married for 20 years to someone who was basically flatline stable.

But I feel like I get knocked down, over and over and over again, and at times like right now, I do wonder how much I can take before I break. I have BPD tendencies myself, the more I read about it, and other 'wounds' I'm working with. Trying my best to look internally and not just make it about him when the cart starts to tumble.

Is it worth it? Am I crazy? So far, I just can't walk away. I love this person with a fierce loyalty, I want to be on his team. I want to be strong for him. And for me. But I don't know, some days if I'm strong or if I'm a masochist. And when my heart is breaking and I'm sobbing into my pillow, or I realize that I'd rather be screamed at or even physically engaged (though he is not violent with me) than ignored, I sometimes literally want to be swallowed up by a black hole.

I don't really know what I'm asking. But it feels good to write. I guess, the question would be the typical ones. Is it worth it? Can we possibly make it in the long term. Does it get better, ever?

Thanks... .

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Naughty Nibbler]

Wild Rose:   
Sorry about your situation with your partner. The book "Stop Walking on Egg Shells" has enlightened many of us.  This is a safe place to share.  It can be therapeutic to write out your thoughts.

The two links below might help you examine why you are in your relationship.

Dealing With Enmeshment and Codependence
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=111772.0

Are You Supporting or Enabling
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=95263.0

You question if things can get better. Can you make it in the long run? There isn't an easy answer.  If people aren't open to treatment or guidance, then you have to accept them as they are.  You can't change them.  The one thing you have control over is you.  You can make things better for you by managing the way you interact with and react to your partner. 

If you look at the margin to the right of this post, you will find some basic tools and lessons.  ":)on't be invalidating" can be a good place to start.

Check out the links above and the lesson on invalidation and let us know what you think.  Does any of it apply to your situation?