Girlfriend of a year and a half has a fiance.

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

My girlfriend is diagnosed with bipolar 1 and Borderline personality disorder. She takes Lithium for her condition and seems to be the only meds she responds to. I met her in June of 2015. Things were great for about 4-5 months, then she stopped taking her lithium. By december 2015 she was full blown manic. She started taking her meds again and stabilized in early 2016. During the summer of 2016 though, she started using Heroin again (snorting, recovering addict). She also stopped taking her meds again in august of 2016 and went into full blown mania/psychosis for the whole month of December. We had a huge fight on new years when I found out she just took off for a couple of days with S. and never even mentioned it to me. I found out later through text messages that they had sex on new years. I confronted her about it and she claims she barely remembers it. Claims she just has flashbacks. I convinced her she needed help and she admitted herself into rehab in January of this year. While she was in rehab I called up her friend sean to confront him about it. He told me that she told him I was just a friend and that him and her have been dating since January of 2016.

Me and S. talked for almost a week straight about a years worth of lying and deceit. It turns out she was dating this guy for three years, met me and went no contact with him, that is until she became manic in december 2015 and reached out to him again. I guess that's when their relationship started up again. He told me he proposed to her in August of 2016 and she accepted. He also said that he's in the process of buying a house in the summer and moving her out there. I asked him if he's been having sex with her and he said "no, she always had some excuse why she couldn't." He said new years was the first time in years and she was manic. I confronted her after she got out of rehab. I told her both me and S. know the truth now. We just need to know what she actually wants. I asked her if she's poly-amorous and she said no, she has no interest in it. I asked her why she did this for a whole year and she couldn't answer me. She said she can't explain why she does these things to the people she loves.

This girl has a really dis-functional family. All her siblings are drug addicts and constantly try to get her to relapse. Her home life is very unhealthy for her. I'm not ready to leave the area, but this S. guy lives far enough away, where I feel she might have more structure and a better chance at being actually happy. I want her to have the best possible chance she can to be happy/healthy. S. laid an ultimatum at her feet. Choose one of us or none. She said she needed time to think about it, because it's a big decision. After I heard that I told her I don't want any part in this competition for her affection anymore. That I should never be second place to anyone and that if you really love someone, then there shouldn't be room in your heart for another person. This S. guy told me he built his entire life around this woman. He's obsessed with her and probably feels he's invested too much time and money to give up now. She's been taking thousands of dollars a month between me and him both, but only having sex with me. At this point I don't even want to be friends with her. If a friend did to me what she did, I would cut ties completely. I also told her that if she had any humanity left in her, she would cut this S. guy loose (not that he would listen to her anyways). To which she responded "I'll take it into consideration"... .It seems to me like anyone who chooses to be in a relationship with this woman is enabling her, not helping. I went no contact with both of them and changed my number.

What I need to know is:

1) Did I do the right thing? Part of me feels like I abandoned her at her lowest moment.
2) Is she capable of truly loving anyone? I feel like I've been chewed up and spit out/thrown away like garbage.
3) Can she be in a romantic relationship with anyone? I feel like she needs many years of therapy, by herself, without any distractions, before she can even attempt to have any resemblance of a normal relationship.


 

[luvbuckets]

My girlfriend is diagnosed with bipolar 1 and Borderline personality disorder. She takes Lithium for her condition and seems to be the only meds she responds to. I met her in June of 2015. Things were great for about 4-5 months, then she stopped taking her lithium. By december 2015 she was full blown manic. She started taking her meds again and stabilized in early 2016. During the summer of 2016 though, she started using Heroin again (snorting, recovering addict). She also stopped taking her meds again in august of 2016 and went into full blown mania/psychosis for the whole month of December. We had a huge fight on new years when I found out she just took off for a couple of days with S. and never even mentioned it to me. I found out later through text messages that they had sex on new years. I confronted her about it and she claims she barely remembers it. Claims she just has flashbacks. I convinced her she needed help and she admitted herself into rehab in January of this year. While she was in rehab I called up her friend sean to confront him about it. He told me that she told him I was just a friend and that him and her have been dating since January of 2016.

Me and S. talked for almost a week straight about a years worth of lying and deceit. It turns out she was dating this guy for three years, met me and went no contact with him, that is until she became manic in december 2015 and reached out to him again. I guess that's when their relationship started up again. He told me he proposed to her in August of 2016 and she accepted. He also said that he's in the process of buying a house in the summer and moving her out there. I asked him if he's been having sex with her and he said "no, she always had some excuse why she couldn't." He said new years was the first time in years and she was manic. I confronted her after she got out of rehab. I told her both me and S. know the truth now. We just need to know what she actually wants. I asked her if she's poly-amorous and she said no, she has no interest in it. I asked her why she did this for a whole year and she couldn't answer me. She said she can't explain why she does these things to the people she loves.

This girl has a really dis-functional family. All her siblings are drug addicts and constantly try to get her to relapse. Her home life is very unhealthy for her. I'm not ready to leave the area, but this S. guy lives far enough away, where I feel she might have more structure and a better chance at being actually happy. I want her to have the best possible chance she can to be happy/healthy. S. laid an ultimatum at her feet. Choose one of us or none. She said she needed time to think about it, because it's a big decision. After I heard that I told her I don't want any part in this competition for her affection anymore. That I should never be second place to anyone and that if you really love someone, then there shouldn't be room in your heart for another person. This S. guy told me he built his entire life around this woman. He's obsessed with her and probably feels he's invested too much time and money to give up now. She's been taking thousands of dollars a month between me and him both, but only having sex with me. At this point I don't even want to be friends with her. If a friend did to me what she did, I would cut ties completely. I also told her that if she had any humanity left in her, she would cut this S. guy loose (not that he would listen to her anyways). To which she responded "I'll take it into consideration"... .It seems to me like anyone who chooses to be in a relationship with this woman is enabling her, not helping. I went no contact with both of them and changed my number.

What I need to know is:

1) Did I do the right thing? Part of me feels like I abandoned her at her lowest moment.
2) Is she capable of truly loving anyone? I feel like I've been chewed up and spit out/thrown away like garbage.
3) Can she be in a romantic relationship with anyone? I feel like she needs many years of therapy, by herself, without any distractions, before she can even attempt to have any resemblance of a normal relationship.


 

[Naughty Nibbler]

Welcome Luvbuckets
Sounds like you have been through a lot of heartbreak. This is a safe place to share, gain understanding and get support.

1) Did I do the right thing? Part of me feels like I abandoned her at her lowest moment.

I would say you made a good decision. You can't fix her or rescue her. She has to take responsibility for her actions.

2) Is she capable of truly loving anyone? I feel like I've been chewed up and spit out/thrown away like garbage.  

I'm so sorry. The way you were treated had to be devastating for you. You deserve better.  People with BPD can take a lot of care taking. You wouldn't be in a mutually nurturing relationship with her.

3) Can she be in a romantic relationship with anyone? I feel like she needs many years of therapy, by herself, without any distractions, before she can even attempt to have any resemblance of a normal relationship.

It's hard to tell.  She has to want to change, want to stay on her meds and want to stay off drugs. Whoever marries her, will have a tough life ahead of them. Mental illness tends to run in families. Although BPD can have an environmental cause, it can also be genetic. She could have children with BPD and/or bipolar.

There are some links in the right margin about Choosing a Path. When you feel you have made a final decision, you can move to the detaching board.  If you happen to feel ready now, we can move your thread.


 

[luvbuckets]

I'm ready to move on. Maybe in time I might be able to be in her life on a friendly capacity. Right now I have allot of "me" stuff I need catching up on. You can move the thread.

[Waddams]

1) Did I do the right thing? Part of me feels like I abandoned her at her lowest moment.
2) Is she capable of truly loving anyone? I feel like I've been chewed up and spit out/thrown away like garbage.
3) Can she be in a romantic relationship with anyone? I feel like she needs many years of therapy, by herself, without any distractions, before she can even attempt to have any resemblance of a normal relationship.

1 - Yes.  And sometimes it's okay to abandon someone.  Like when they mistreat you as she did.  The whole bipolar/BPD thing - it's not a free pass for her to act like that, and it's not a reason you have to be understanding and put up with it.

2 - Listen to her actions.  Does it sound like it?  You know the answer already.

3 - See response 2 above.  You've asked the same question, just in a different phrasing.

You're spending more time trying to figure out why she's like this instead of thinking about why you tolerated it.  Focus on you, not her.

[luvbuckets]

I want to say I tolerated it for so long because I loved her. Not the version of her she eventually became. But the version of her I first met that showered me with love bombs. Turns out that version was a facade as well. She's been lying about this even before we officially started dating. I did mention to her last time we spoke, that I felt she sized me up when we first met. She knew I would bend over backwards for the people I loved and put up with (almost) anything. After mentioning this to her, she instantly got angry and screamed for me to leave. "I won't be treated like this in my own house."

I honestly feel she doesn't have an identity of her own. She just adapts to what she thinks people around her want or like. Is this possible? Is it also possible that if she aggressively pursued professional help that she might actually become her own person? Someone I could meet years down the road and not even recognize?

[ynwa]

Hey Luvbuckets, 

It's a strange and difficult thing to go through what you have right?  So many questions and uncertain feelings.  Your post was moving and honest.  Thank you for sharing.

Take time for yourself and take a breath.  You have made the right decision in putting yourself first. If even for a little while.  Are you talking with friends and family and getting their support?

[luvbuckets]

I'm very close with my family and only told two of my sisters and my mom. I knew they'd be the most level-headed and open minded. I've been trying to keep as busy as possible and stay around friends. They all reassure me of what I already knew. That what I did was right and what she did was wrong. Last time I talked to her I told her that I was there for her through thick and thin, for over a year and a half, every single day. Watching her child like he was my own while she was in rehab.  This guy swoops in a few times a year to take her to a hotel room, sends her cash and she has to think about it? She instantly tried to blame me and make herself the victim. "You were just using me for sex." I told her if I just wanted sex, I'd go to a prostitute. It would be less aggravation and honestly, less of a financial burden. She just got really silent after that. I told her the story of the frog and the scorpion and explained how it relates to our situation. She just mocked me and said "that's the dumbest story ever. of course you would know it." At that moment I didn't feel any love from her at all. I just told her she'll always have a place in my heart. I said goodbye and I left. Haven't seen her since. I dropped her stuff off to her sister with a note in it. It basically said that I hope she receives the help she needs. That I knew she was strong enough to get better. That I needed time to focus on myself. I'm 99% sure this Sean guy is still orbiting. Still waiting for her to let him in and love him completely. Still trying to get back to that first four months where she was absolutely everything you could ever want. I don't think he realizes though. I've done allot of reflection on it and I feel like. The more love I gave this woman, the more she hated me and the less she respected me. She likes the challenge. The thrill of the hunt and the winning of someones love/affection. Once she has it, it's over, you're done. Anyways sorry for venting. I'm just really confused. You're right, I have ALLOT of unanswered questions. If there's one thing I've learned though, it's that she cant answer them. Even if she did, odds are it would be a lie.

Other then this forum, I posted my situation on /r/BPDlovedones subreddit. They all pretty much told me I did the right thing too. That she had all the power and she chose to live her life this way, a very unhealthy way, for over a year and a half. That I could buy her the world and she'd burn it down. I could love her more then anything and she'd just chew me up and spit me out. I just hate to admit it. She always told me BPD was a death sentence. That she'll ruin my life and I should run. Of course this was after I fell in love with her and believed I could be there through thick and thin. The saddest part of this is, I still want to be there for her. She doesn't have a vehicle and I know she'll have a hard time getting to her doctors appointments. I just cant risk it. I can't risk being sucked back in by her. I feel like she is the closest thing to a siren ill ever meet. Do you think giving her my new number for only emergency hospital visits is a good idea?