My girlfriend rage outburst during phone calling

[VernonR]

Dear BPD Family members!

Last days I faced the hardest challenge in my relationship. My GF called me few days ago (Friday, 27th January) and after declarations of love and longing she dramatically changed herself. The reason could be the temporary lack of money because of loss of social scholarship. She told me, that she can't meet with me (I came back to my home due to my mother's returning from working abroad; now we are at the distance from each other about 400 kilometers until March) because she hasn't money. I replied that there is no problem for me to borrow her some money. And my word - "borrow" was the trigger... .My intention was obviously to help her. I didn't even think something bad.

It superficially looks like that she only offended. But when I came back to my home she was blackmailing me at Messenger with words "Goodbye"... .And as usual - "it was your fault!... .". I asked for her health due to very low blood pressure, but she blamed me instead. It wasn't for the first time. Last moths I often felt hopeless and lonely. She makes me emotionally exhausted.

But this time it was enough. I have chosen the strategy of distance and calm, instead of apologizing for the fact that I did not do anything wrong. She occasionally writes to me, I answered with calm and health distance. Because again - it would be my fault in her eyes. My GF has BPD symptoms as her father and siblings. It is a long story, but now I realize sad truth about her and that family. My friends and other people told me that I am "just a nice guy", and she looks like be not okay for me.

I need go to my work so I will end this message. Apologies for poor language - I am not native speaker. I came from Poland.

I hope that I am not alone. Randi Kregger book "Stop walking on eggshells" brings me here.

Regards

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

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[heartandwhole]

Hi VernonR,

I'm sorry to hear about this latest challenge in your relationship. Raging and threats from a loved one is so upsetting. I commend you for reaching out for support and remaining calm.

You are definitely not alone. So many members here have been in similar situations and understand what you are going through. And you'll find lots of tools and resources here that can help make things better in your relationship. I encourage you to look around and explore the articles and lessons on the site.  

So, what is the status of your relationship at the moment? Are you taking a break to cool things off?

Keep writing. We're here to support you.  

heartandwhole

[VernonR]

Dear heartandwhole,

Thank you for your reply Tomorrow it will be a whole week after argue. She didn't call me, and I also didn't. Only texting (very few), like with a buddy, not a partner. The most important thing is that this time I don't take a victim role. I try to stand firmly on the ground and do not blame myself. Also, rather than rage i have compassion with her broken emotional life  It is very sad. But I know, that I can't do anything with it - it's her own business.

I focused on my passions, friends and my mom I think it's healthy. As you mentioned, I made "a break" and not force her to any kind of interaction, also due to risk of regarding bad behaviour. But when I text with her I try to be distanced and pleasant. There is only way I think - to wait and to be patient.

Thank you very much!
VernonR

[VernonR]

News from battlefield

I was after few phone callings with her. I feel angry and weak. We are after one week of break with any kind of contact from me - only she was texting and I answered but that's all. I decided to set this kind of boundary due to her behavior. It was enough for me.

Yesterday she decided to call me. During the phone call I explained her why I was angry at her. First - she tried to deny everything. I quoted her words. She says "I was only joking!". Then she blamed me: "You behaved just like my ex-boyfriend! He also did not speak to me for weeks! Well you know what they were boyfriend for me was!". There also was full list of my sins, slander my mother about things she did not do. And also "I don't trust you and I don't believe you!". I gently ended this calling, it looks like never-ending cycle. Also, I stated that the reason of our problems could be her emotional instability.

Then she wanted to speak second time. She was calm and pleasant. Instead of blaming she tried to apologize and explain. It was long and exhausting calling.

Today we talked third time. The current state is to take a break "like a dudes" and wait until end of February to make definite decision about us.

I think she provoked me to take offense, then blamed me and compare to ex-boyfriend. In opinion of my friends my reaction was appropriate. I tried to present situation as objectively as I can. Also, during callings I established that she cannot trust anyone and told it to her. She replied that I am right, but "maybe if someone make things that I want I can trust then". I don't believe and don't trust her.

I am afraid that she is immature or even toxic girl. I'd like to make my emotional life better. My plan is to set boundaries and prepare to definite break-up. I am looking for advice from my friends.

Now I am thinking that second chance is not possible - there is a lot bad behaviors and it looks like I just can't stand anymore.

Do you have similar experience?

Thank you, BPD Family You give me a hope in these black days

VernonR

[Meili]

it looks like never-ending cycle

Well, yes, it will be a never ending cycle unless you break it. She isn't going to do it, so you'll have to.

Breaking the cycle does not mean that you have to end the relationship if you decide that you want to keep trying. It simply means that you have to change your behaviors, and it sounds like you've already started doing that.

The really good news is that the very same things that you need to do for yourself are the very things that will give you and your relationship the best chance at success if you decide to continue.