I have full custody as well as sole occupancy of the matrimonial home.

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

I have full custody as well as sole occupancy of the matrimonial home. Video content (both covert, and plain-view cameras with BPD ex-spouse's knowledge) was extremely valuable. Without it, I could not have proved "child endangerment". Judges do not like ANY form of violence be it verbal, emotional, physical (or sexual).

[ogopogodude]

I have full custody as well as sole occupancy of the matrimonial home. Video content (both covert, and plain-view cameras with BPD ex-spouse's knowledge) was extremely valuable. Without it, I could not have proved "child endangerment". Judges do not like ANY form of violence be it verbal, emotional, physical (or sexual).

[takingandsending]

Hope your child(ren) are safe now. Sounds like a horrible ordeal for the kid(s).

[ogopogodude]

yes, ... .things turned out pretty good after all we have been thru. This was interesting in that I wasn't going to post my initial topic, then I deleted things, or so I thought, then I noticed it was posted. But I didn't press "post". ... .weird.

Anyways, ... .my (ex)wife was extremely violent. And still is, given the chance.  I stay clear of her, as do our kids.  They do not like having anything to do with their mom. Sad, really.

[takingandsending]

It is sad. As bad as it gets for us, this illness is toughest on kids with parents that are BPD/NPD. No stable attachment, no security - the two things that kids are desperate to have in parents. I am happy for you. I hope you and your family grow and thrive. 

[ogopogodude]

Thanks for your reply.  Anyways, ... I did not mean to actually create a post/topic, but I must have pressed the wrong keys on my lap top. My post topic was actually going to be this: Subject: Videotaping BPD's erratic behaviour? Is it illegal? Nope, ... Do it.

And then the rest of the body was going to be as follows:

I have taken a sabbatical from BPD family for at least a year, or was it two... .Anyways, ... This website has been a wonderful source of comfort years ago for me many years ago, when I was going thru the confused stage of "what the H*** is going on and why is my wife acting soo bizarre & why is she so violent? Why is she hitting me as I curl up in a fetal position?".  Once I learned of BPD and  I knew my mate had this awful affliction, it was now a matter of ... "now what?".

What I found is that I (partially) knew what to do EVEN BEFORE I knew definitively that my spouse was borderline.  And this was to videotape her erratic and violent behaviour.  And I am so glad that I did.  

I said to myself, "there is no way that I want to be falsely arrested" because I am the anti-thesis of violence.  Police officers will almost always arrest the male in a domestic dispute.  This is the way it is.  In any event, whether the BPD loved one is male or female (it doesn't matter, at all) the non-BPD's (a.k.a. victims) must document ANY out of the ordinary parameters of normal behaviour (by this, I mean violence of any kind).  This is called "protecting oneself".

The only way to do this is by audio taping, and better yet, video taping. This is done ALL the time by all sorts of businesses, every bank, & even when you call cable company (when they say "this call may be recorded to to help with customer service ... .blah blah blah".  Even when one is picking out a bag of potatoes at the market, whether a customer is aware of it or not, ... .they are being video taped.  The reason for this is for everyone's protection.  Grocery stores are notorious for yahoos pretending to slip and hurt themselves in the aisle in order to try to extort money.  

   Anyways, ... people come to this website for not only comfort, but to get answers. Some people want a recipe of 'what to do'.  Yes, this is a good site for helping the frustrated (new or old) members feel validated and to sing "koomb-bi-yaaah" and all hug.  But then there are those that want to take some sort of action.  

Now, not all BPD behaviour is violent. There is the emotional and verbal abuse only type of behaviour.  But this post of mine here, is really directed at those members who have had pushing, shoving, punches thrown their way, and items such as cell phones, or TV remote controls being constantly thrown at them, and, in general ... .experiences of domestic violence (which they do not ask for, or want, but instead want peace and calm at all times).

If one is deciding on leaving, one has to have one's i's dotted and t's crossed. In other words, be prepared.  I did.  I made sure to have video cameras installed in my car both front and back facing and FULLY operational (24/7)... .even when parked ... called park mode ... which means video taping was on-going even when one's vehicle was parked. The reason I did this, is if there was any micro-chance of my mate trying to start a fight, I would simply run in front of or behind my car, ... and the incident would be video-taped (without me even going inside my car).  Another covert way of recording things is to go to eBay and order this: USB spy cam phone charger for less than $75.  It is soo cool.  it looks like a white plug charger of a typical iPhone except that it is black, and it will record simply by plugging into a wall outlet and then stop recording by removing it from the outlet (it is THAT easy to use), ... and nobody will be the wiser. One can even still charge their cell as it is video taping.  

I am the guru of video recording.  If any members want advice in this field, I am the one to contact. Private message me if you want.  Video taping is NOT illegal.  Throughout history, there has been not one individual placed in a jail cell for videotaping a violent incident of any kind.

Without my video taping techniques I would not have FULL custody of both of our teenagers living with me for the last four years and I would not be in the matrimonial home. I have been separated for almost 7 years. (My divorce is on-going because my ex won't agree to anything ... .literally).

Getting back to video & audio information, ... I took my video content (on a USB memory stick and plugged it into my laptop) to my doctor and therapist as well as an agent at Social Services (The Ministry of Children & Family Development as it is called here in Canada) to view. The agent at SS interviewed (upon my request) both my kids and myself, and then my ex (of her own will b/c she would have looked stupid if she denied an interview with the SS agent). It only takes ONE parent to sign off to have children interviewed. Then the agent made a report for me to use in court. She said that she would be available as a witness if asked.  This is how I got this information actually into my divorce proceedings (what I call "in thru the back door" because judges do not want, nor will not view submitted video content (sometimes because of the legalities of it or usually b/c they just don't want to view it because the video content can be interpreted as potentially being able to have it taken out of context --> this is why one must begin any recording WELL before an incident even starts).  

Now, it is NOT illegal to video tape. Not one bit. It is what you do with the video tape that can be illegal.  One should not use footage to put on youtube, or to send to friends and family or to black mail / extort.  One CAN do this, but it is not advise-able.  But it is soo nice to have in one's possession.  

There is not one person on this planet that wants to be in a position of another person having detrimental video content on them (such as a temper rage or an actual assault occurring). Would YOU want to know that there is somebody out there that has "something on you", sort of speak?

Now, videotaping covertly is one thing, ... but their is also preventive video taping.  In other words, if one places a video cam inside or outside on the porch, this may curb any undesirable behaviour from the get-go.  This is called The Hawthorne Effect.  When one KNOWS that they are being "Watched" then this may cause this person to change their behaviour for the better.  One simple example is dog poop. One will pick up their dog's feces if they know that somebody is within watching distance of them (with or without a video camera present).

Anyways, ... .I have posted subjects on this website before for the purpose of helping out other members but I have found that for some reason this topic is frowned upon by some long time members. And I really do not see why that is... .My level of violence in my life (and more importantly in my children's lives) has diminished to almost zero with the use of video cameras.

It is "okay" to  talk about this topic. It shouldn't be avoided nor considered taboo. The real reason for this post of mine is that a child should never have to witness abuse. Nor should a child be subjected to any form of abuse be it physical, verbal, emotional, or sexual.

For the last several years, I have parented my kids in relative peace & calm. I have salvaged their childhood.  

[ForeverDad]

My post topic was actually going to be this: Subject: Videotaping BPD's erratic behaviour? Is it illegal? Nope, ... Do it... .  This is called "protecting oneself"... .  this post of mine here, is really directed at those members who have had pushing, shoving, punches thrown their way, and items such as cell phones, or TV remote controls being constantly thrown at them, and, in general ... .experiences of domestic violence (which they do not ask for, or want, but instead want peace and calm at all times).

If one is deciding on leaving, one has to have one's i's dotted and t's crossed. In other words, be prepared.  I did.  I made sure to have video cameras installed in my car both front and back facing and FULLY operational (24/7)... .even when parked ... called park mode ... which means video taping was on-going even when one's vehicle was parked. The reason I did this, is if there was any micro-chance of my mate trying to start a fight, I would simply run in front of or behind my car, ... and the incident would be video-taped (without me even going inside my car).  Another covert way of recording things is to go to eBay and order this: USB spy cam phone charger for less than $75.  It is soo cool.  it looks like a white plug charger of a typical iPhone except that it is black, and it will record simply by plugging into a wall outlet and then stop recording by removing it from the outlet (it is THAT easy to use), ... and nobody will be the wiser. One can even still charge their cell as it is video taping.

These days there are so many ways to record, cell phone, voice recorders, micro video units, etc.  I've even seen ads for pencams that record from your shirt pocket and yes actually write.

Video taping is NOT illegal.  Throughout history, there has been not one individual placed in a jail cell for videotaping a violent incident of any kind.

Getting back to video & audio information, ... I took my video content (on a USB memory stick and plugged it into my laptop) to my doctor and therapist as well as an agent at Social Services (The Ministry of Children & Family Development as it is called here in Canada) to view... .  This is how I got this information actually into my divorce proceedings (what I call "in thru the back door" because judges do not want, nor will not view submitted video content (sometimes because of the legalities of it or usually b/c they just don't want to view it because the video content can be interpreted as potentially being able to have it taken out of context --> this is why one must begin any recording WELL before an incident even starts).

It was not until I had been separated for 8 years (and divorced for 6 years) that I managed to get the lawyer and court to give my recordings review in court.  Part of this was that recordings were not typical court evidence.  However I played them for the police and CPS, with satisfactory results.

Now, it is NOT illegal to video tape. Not one bit. It is what you do with the video tape that can be illegal.  One should not use footage to put on youtube, or to send to friends and family or to black mail / extort.  One CAN do this, but it is not advise-able.  But it is soo nice to have in one's possession.

I've been here for more than a decade and only recall less than a handful of incidents where the court got peeved with our members and told the parent to stop recording.  No one got arrested or went to jail for recording.  I think the focus for them was on not recording the alienated children.  David's approach is helpful, he lives in a state where recordings are very frowned upon, he now describes that he's recording himself and if his ex gets herself recorded, well, that's on her.

Now, videotaping covertly is one thing, ... but there is also preventive video taping.  In other words, if one places a video cam inside or outside on the porch, this may curb any undesirable behaviour from the get-go.  This is called The Hawthorne Effect.  When one KNOWS that they are being "Watched" then this may cause this person to change their behaviour for the better.

It is "okay" to  talk about this topic. It shouldn't be avoided nor considered taboo. The real reason for this post of mine is that a child should never have to witness abuse.

Interesting point.  Many of us, after years of being attacked and living in defense mode, are unprepared to proactively protect ourselves.  Yes, we're overly timid and overly fearful of some proactive strategies.

Courts will probably give more attention to poor parenting behaviors rather than poor adult behaviors such as with you.  So when listing the problem behaviors, include them all of course but make sure primary focus is given to how your children are impacted.  I recall when I called my CPS in the months before my separation and reported my ex was more frequently raging in front of our preschooler.  The lady asked, "Is she raging at your son?"  When I replied "No, at me", she said, "Call back when she rages at the child."  Evidently CPS in my area does not view mere exposure to raging as sufficiently 'actionable'.

[ogopogodude]

Thanks for replying, ForeverDad.  I really enjoy your input as I learn from you.

However, ... I am a little perplexed about the concept of documentation. This website is great and all but I have looked at 'documentation' but it is not mentioned until one of the last categories (Divorce). 

In my opinion, documentation should occur WELL before a person "decides" on the viability of a relationship (whether to continue on, and try to amend the problems, or to decide on its fate).  I recorded my crazy ex's behaviour VERY early so I could try to learn what makes her mind tick, and also to take the footage to my doctor and hers to find out what the H*** was her problem. In other words, ... .I was using video and audio clips as a way to get advice from my more educated sources.

I have a doctorate degree.  And I had a wonderful childhood when I look back at my life.  The only fighting that occurred in our household was us five brothers trying to stake their real estate claim on the couch to watch TV, or to argue about the knee hockey sock (that we had rolled up and duct taped, to serve as the puck) actually went thru the goal posts in our makeshift basement hockey rink. We were just a bunch of bear cubs ... .as boys will be boys. But my parents never argued or even yelled. Raising one's voice was taboo in our house. 

Let's fast forward: If your mate is acting like a raging lunatic, ... .your child shouldn't ever witness this type of behaviour, ... .ever.  Did I mention 'ever' ... ?

A child mustn't ever witness their mom or dad arguing (at a level that is 'scary' for them to see). The home is supposed to be a "heaven on earth" for a child. It should not be a place for them to see horrible adult behaviour that does not fit in the parameters of normalcy.

Video tape. Do it covertly, or do it in plain view (with your iPhone etc, ... but be prepared to literally 'run away' with your evidence).  The rage episode of your loved one, will subside eventually.

The person --that is acting violently-- and yes, ... .yelling at a very high decibel level is, and can be considered "violent" ... .will not like his/her actions caught on tape. So, hide the evidence. Make a copy of it. Do not return home until you have a safe copy of it.

I am in the health care field, and I have a patient that is a Supreme Court Judge that knows my situation (of my ex-wife being very violent).  He told me off the record, of course, ... .  that any behaviour that is exhibited by an adult -- that will not be tolerated in his court room--  should not be tolerated in a residence either.  In other words, ... it doesn't MATTER whether you are in the privacy of your own home or not. One cannot act like a lunatic chasing children, or another adult around with a knife in one's hand. This includes yelling. This is called child endangerment. 

ForeverDad,  you are a member that I like getting advice from.  You indicated that once, the social services agent said to you (paraphrasing) "... don't call us unless your wife is raging at the child, not you".  This agent is/was DEAD wrong.  If you would have video taped this activity, this agent could be fired or at the very least, a lecture by his/her superiors for giving you erroneous information.

When I brought down my video & audio evidence to the SS agent, she was soo understanding. But they wouldn't do anything UNLESS I WANTED them to get involved, because there was ONE adult trying to diffuse the violence (me). Once I gave them the "go ahead", then they took control and interviewed my ex as well as the kids (together and separately when they were 13 and 11 years old) and me (with and without my wife). Her report found so many inconsistencies with my wife's version, and basically made me look like an angel in white, with a halo over my head, and then my wife looked like the one with a forked tail and horns all dressed in red.

It was THIS report card that I was able to use in court. A judge MUST take in collateral (3rd party) information. 

[ForeverDad]

I've commented before on a perspective I've concluded the court has.  It's that they aren't there to protect the children from everything bad.  On a practical note they can't.  Kids trip and fall lots of places.  Other kids tease or ridicule them.  Kids are told to clean their rooms or don't come down for supper.  It's where we get into the "when does it rise to being actionable" question.  Maybe the courts don't think we ought to raise narcissistic snowflakes protected from every downside and gifted regular participation trophies.  When does a spousal/parental disagreement that becomes heated rise to the level of abuse or a "domestic dispute"?  Where to draw the line is the crux of the matter.  At some point it becomes less unclear and should stop.