losing the plot...

[pagan]

I am a fifty year old man, in my second marriage.
No dependant children.

My wife has ME/CFS and other medical issues making her housebound.

I work and suffer from anxiety / depression.
I think my wife may have BPD, as she regularly splits, with regard to
Her family members. She suffered childhood mental and physical abuse, physical abuse and rape in a previous relationship and has a history of depression, drug use and misuse, violent mood swings and impulsivity.

I need advice to help me getting so sucked into the drama of her bleak down moods,
Or overrun by her violent anger, or unattainable future desires.

I feel I am failing constantly, which causes me brain fog so I do screw up , fueling either her violent outbursts or her retreat into suicidal ideation.

I listen as much as I can but the constant flooding of past abuse, from others, her idealisation then hatred for her family members, and her constant rage/despair exhaust me.

Any thoughts?

Pagan

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Naughty Nibbler]

Welcome Pagan:
I'm sorry about your situation with your wife.  Sounds like her behavior has a negative impact on you.  It must be tough to deal with your wife's issues, while trying to manage your own anxiety and depression.

My wife has ME/CFS and other medical issues making her housebound.  I think my she may have BPD, as she regularly splits, with regard to her family members. She suffered childhood mental and physical abuse, physical abuse and rape in a previous relationship and has a history of depression, drug use and misuse, violent mood swings and impulsivity.

Were her parent ever diagnosed with a mental disorder (personality disorder or something else)?
Has your wife ever received treatment for depression (meds and/or therapy)?  I believe ME/CFS has some symptoms similar to depression?

I work and suffer from anxiety / depression  

Did your anxiety and depression exist before you met your wife?  Perhaps you had it to some degree, but it has been exasperated by your wife's behavior?  Are you receiving therapy and/or meds to help you?  :)o you have some healthy ways to self-soothe and try to  relieve your anxiety and depression (exercise, meditation, mindfulness, music, books, etc.)?

There are several links to helpful information in the margin to your right.  Within the section, "What is the first step? - Basic Tools, you will find a link to Setting Boundaries and another link to Ending Conflict.  These tools might be a good place to start learning some skills or to fine tune some skills you already have.  Mastering some communication skills/strategies, along with setting boundaries, can make things easier for you.  

Do you think it might help your wife with her need to vent, if she got connected to a message board for those suffering from BPD or other forms of mental illness/personality disorders?  Since she is housebound, it may give you some relief, if she had another avenue for venting?

[pagan]

Thanks for the intro and support.

Re my situation

Wife's mother fell out with medical profession after wife's birth and never saw doctor again till her death , 40 years later.


From what wife related, almost certainly had depression, and other personality issues.

Re me, yes depression since my teens, made much worse when first wife suffered post partum psychosis, then moved her boyfriend into our home, before leaving me with the debts.
Treatment , citralopram, propranomol, some couselling.

Wife does not like communicating online, and believes most or all of her issues are due to other people making her worse.

Treated for eating disorders, depression, had counselling but fell out with therapist, who did not live up to expectations when wife left voicemail saying she was very depressed. Felt she had been abandoned and stopped going.

Try to motivate wife but she is on totally different timeline.
12 am her. We are supposed to be going out, her bath is run, but she is "trying to get up"

If I push she will usually get angry and refuse to get up because I am insensitive to her conditions.

If she does not get up I will have fails to motivate
If i encourage she will usually cry and apologise before it later becomes you keep me a prisoner, this place is like Abu Grabe and you are my torturer... .