Need help communicating

[Charlie3236]

Hi everyone, and thanks so much for this group! You have helped me get through some really depressing times with my BPD little sis.

I've been reading a lot of the communication info, working on S.E.T. and it's going pretty well. My sister's attacks usually come via text or email. Just wondering if anyone has a quick/short response to let her know to stop where she's heading or communication will end here until she can be kind & respectful again... .One that I can use every time but will not set her off on a verbal text barrage!

[Naughty Nibbler]

Hey Charlie3236:    
It might be helpful for you to have a few "I" Statements handy.

I found the 19-minute video at the link below a helpful tutorial for using "I" Statements:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RDExNRJCUp0

The template and sample below could be helpful as well.

How To Use I-Statements:

Start by identifying how you feel: mad, sad, frustrated, etc.
I feel __________

State the reason you feel this way or what happened that led you to those feelings.
when __________

Try to identify the reason the person’s actions led to those feelings for you.
because __________

Let the person know what you want instead.
I would like __________ .

Example:
Your spouse snaps at you during dinner and it really hurt your feelings. Here’s an I-statement to use with this scenario:

I feel hurt when you snap at me like that because I worked hard to cook this nice dinner for us. I would like you to use nicer words and tone with me, and to know if something happened today that has led you to be in a bad mood.

Just wondering if anyone has a quick/short response to let her know to stop where she's heading or communication will end here until she can be kind & respectful again... .One that I can use every time but will not set her off on a verbal text barrage!    

Check out the video and the template above. Additionally, a couple of samples appear below.  They might give you an idea about a type of statement that might apply to your situation.  What might your version be?  Take a crack at it and see what you come up with.

Sample 1
I love you and I want our conversations to be respectful and supportive.  I can see that you are having a bad day.  Therefore, I'm going to end this conversation.  I look forward to speaking to you when we can both enjoy a respectful conversation.

Sample 2
I want to have a respectful conversation with you, but I can tell you are upset.  I'm going to end this conversation for now.  I look forward to (talking, texting, exchanging emails), when you are feeling better.

[Charlie3236]

Thank so so much NaughtyNibbler, those are SUPER helpful! 

[Naughty Nibbler]

Charlie3236   

Let us know how it works out for you,   

[Charlie3236]

Ok will do! :-*

[Joan86]

I've been trying to disengage with my mother like this when she has a tantrum.

"This conversation/exchange isn't really positive/productive, let's come back to it another time".

What can I say... .I tried it over the phone with her, and she ignores me.

However, saying those words helps me disengage and gives me some illusion of control.

Hope everything works out for you.

[Charlie3236]

Thanks Joan86! Have you found anything that does work to disengage and stop the wrath?

[Naughty Nibbler]

I've been trying to disengage with my mother like this when she has a tantrum.

"This conversation/exchange isn't really positive/productive, let's come back to it another time".

What can I say... .I tried it over the phone with her, and she ignores me. However, saying those words helps me disengage and gives me some illusion of control.

The person with BPD generally won't honor the boundary. It is up to you to do that. When you can't steer then away from a rant, you need to make a final statement and hang up the phone.  "I can see you are having a bad day. I need to let you go now. We can talk at a later time when ________ (fill in the blank: you are calmer,  when you are feeling better, when we can have a mutually respectful conversation, etc.). You will generally need to hang up after making your statement. The other person may still be talking. You generally won't get them to stop talking/ranting (honor your boundary), so it will be up to you to enforce it by removing yourself from the situation.

[Charlie3236]

Thanks NaughtyNibbler! That's what I was afraid of... .Once again I find myself mourning the loss of the my beautiful baby sister with the long golden hair

[Cerulean Star]

I'm new in this community and looking forward to better my relationship with my Father.

  Thanks very much NaughtyNibbler, for the "I-Statements" and for the strategy of how to deal with a rant in a phone call.

  Thanks very much also to Joan86 for giving her contribution, because is something I also deal with and it lead us to learn how to deal with.

Question: And when you find a co-worker doing this kind of rant call to you? Should I behave the same way? Or should I do the statement and keep on the phone? Would be different in terms of hierarchy?