My therapist has recently let me know that my husband has BPD tendencies. She in no way diagnosed him, but gave me resources to try and understand what he could be going through and why I am constantly on a roller coaster with him. I have looked into BPD extensively and it makes sense. I thought he was just avoidant, but BPD seems more accurate.
I desperately need help. I wrote the following out before I found out about BPD. So, I say avoidant a lot, but I would like to know if this applies to BPD, as well. I was going to post in a different forum and never did.
I don’t want to give too many details away, in case my spouse sees this. My husband and I have been married for 10 years, we got married very young. Over the years, there has been a lot of trauma caused from one another and from outside factors. A few years ago, I lost myself completely. It was like the light turned off inside, and then we had a miscarriage which made it worse. I became a shell of a person and treated my husband terribly without realizing it. I didn’t even want to be around our kid it was so bad. I had a wake up call while my husband was gone work and he told me he couldn’t do it anymore. He wanted to leave. I immediately started therapy and asked him to wait until he got back, which was going to be months. I started working on myself and getting better. I was repairing my relationship with our kid, myself, and I thought him. The light had turned back on.
Through therapy, I found out that I have anxious attachment and for the last year, year and a half - my husband has developed an avoidant attachment. I think he is fearful avoidant. We had some good talks while he as gone and everything seemed normal but right before he came back it was back to all doom of not wanting to be with me and being ready for divorce. When he got back, we tried for a month or two and he broke down again, he couldn’t let go of the past, the resentment even though he admitted he saw I changed. We tried marriage counseling, it wasn’t for us. He started sleeping in the guest bedroom, which turned into him staying with a friend. While he was with the friend, he would still come home and spend time with me. It wasn’t much at first but it turned into staying for hours and then it turned into us going on dates. He had a boundary of just not staying the night so he could back and decompress. One night though, he just came home. He slept over after a date and didn’t leave again. During this time, all the happy parts of marriage were there again - we were having fun, communicating, cuddling, etc. He would talk about the future and tell me how much he loved me.
Now, my depression has started creeping back in, I quit therapy too early I think. It’s probably been about two months of the depression slowly coming back in. I communicated it to him and he was understanding. We had a big move coming and I told him I would seek therapy again. He was gone for work right before we moved and during that time, all he talked about was how much he loved and missed me, talked about the future, another kid possibly. The night he got back, there were butterflies and smiles.
We jumped right into the move and living in a completely new area. The move was extremely stressful and we are stuck in a hotel until our house is ready. The first two weeks were okay. And then something shifted. I could feel myself getting more unhappy and lashing out again. I personally think it’s the situation. But I don’t want to just say it’s the move.
Anyway, my husband started communicating that he felt that I wasn’t doing anything with my life and that I needed to go out more and do more because I just sit inside most days, frowning (I do work from home so I am stuck inside for a good chunk of the day, even if I don’t want to be, I also do have my Bachelor’s and not a lazy person). It triggered me, honestly and I started lashing out more because I don’t think my husband sees what I struggle with. I wasn’t trying too. But I felt so low. And even the lashing out wasn’t name calling or anything, more of what I used to do before I learned about my anxious attachment, like getting upset when he needed space. Then, one day we were communicating and he snapped. He basically told me everything over the last couple months was him trying and he couldn’t try anymore. He said he noticed I was starting to slip backwards. All of the past resentment came up, all the “hate” he had towards me came back. He started telling me he just felt guilty and that’s why stayed. He was never actually happy again.
I think I triggered his avoidant attachment while we were communicating. And I know from experience, that when he is triggered, nothing is positive. Only the bad will be there and he will ruminate constantly, building up more resentment and push me away.
Last night, he said he was done. It hurt to be with me, he just couldn’t do it. He wants to be amicable and parent our kid, finish getting out of debt and move on. This has all been said before, so I’m not trying to be in denial. He says he means it but the past doesn’t help. He just kept telling me to go back to therapy and focus on myself. That he can’t be a husband right now. I begged him to stay, which triggered him more. When I try to get definitive answers though, he won’t answer me. I asked about papers and where we go from here - he won’t answer. I already have therapy set up for next week.
The day after this, we spent time together as a family. It went well until we got back to the hotel and he wanted me to communicate how I felt, which was a terrible idea. I was trying to get answers again and another blow-up happened. He said some horrible things to me and I just walked away, it hurt so bad. He came to where I was about 5 minutes later and apologized. He took the rest of the day to himself, left and took space. That night, he came back, wanted to spend time with me (acted normal, with touching me and being silly). The last few days have been like that, where it seems normal at times. He even mentioned that it could be the hotel and stress getting to him. But he has also stopped saying I love you consistently. If he leaves, sometimes he doesn’t say anything or just says bye, when usually I love you is always said. Then last night, after an extremely stressful day, he pulls away again saying nothing has changed about him wanting to leave, that he just wants me and our kid to happy and in a place where he feels okay leaving. I’m just stuck because I don’t know what’s the truth or him being avoidant.
The topic of divorce comes up whenever he unleashes on me. But then he will put a pin in it until a trigger happens. Which I don’t always know what the trigger is. I could be doing everything perfectly. There are days where everything is good again. He wants to spend time with me, talks about the future, it doesn’t last though. It’s been so much back and forth the last couple of weeks. One day is I love you, let’s cuddle - next just walks out the door without letting me know. We are in our home now and nothing really has changed.
I know we both deserve a happy, healthy marriage. And I don’t want to stay with someone who doesn’t want me, who I make miserable. The reverse is true too, where I want him to be with someone who he wants to be with and makes him happy. Yet, I’m having such a hard time believing that this is really the end. A lot of this stuff has been said before. I don’t know if he is just so triggered, that he needs time again. Or if all the love and future talk was fake.
Would an avoidant/BPD stay with someone out of guilt?
I need advice, I’m lost and I don’t know what to do. He still says he loves me. I think my actions just re-triggered him. I need to know if I am in denial or what. Anyone who has BPD or understands it, please give me your viewpoint, I’m desperate.
I truly love my husband and I do want what is best for him.
