feeling stuck

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Hi,  I was in an emotionally and verbally abusive relationship for 5 years.  I begged him to get help and we tried a couple times doing couple therapy, however, he would only go to 2 appointments and then say the therapist was picking on him, so he would refuse to go again.  The 2nd time, I continued to go on my own and the therapist pointed out to me that he would never stop the abuse and asked if this is how I wanted to live the rest of my live (the short good times we had, followed by the long abusive periods) and I knew it wasn't. I told my now ex-boyfriend that I would no longer go back to the relationship we had and since he wasn't willing to seek help to improve it, we were over. However, since we own our house together, the attorney said I could buy his half, and of course he doesn't want that, he would rather stay and make my life miserable. The attorney also said, I can't make him leave unless he wants to.  Therefore, although we are not a couple, we still live together.  My moving out is not an option as it is a small farm and I won't give up my animals.  I guess I just need some help finding coping skills to not take his verbal abuse on me personally.  I know it is him, not me and I always tell myself not to let him upset me, but I do.  I have been able to stop myself from answering his attack as I know that no matter what I say, he isn't going to stop. Any help would be appreciated on how best to deal with my situation. Thank you 

[Ms. Sunshine]

Hi,  I was in an emotionally and verbally abusive relationship for 5 years.  I begged him to get help and we tried a couple times doing couple therapy, however, he would only go to 2 appointments and then say the therapist was picking on him, so he would refuse to go again.  The 2nd time, I continued to go on my own and the therapist pointed out to me that he would never stop the abuse and asked if this is how I wanted to live the rest of my live (the short good times we had, followed by the long abusive periods) and I knew it wasn't. I told my now ex-boyfriend that I would no longer go back to the relationship we had and since he wasn't willing to seek help to improve it, we were over. However, since we own our house together, the attorney said I could buy his half, and of course he doesn't want that, he would rather stay and make my life miserable. The attorney also said, I can't make him leave unless he wants to.  Therefore, although we are not a couple, we still live together.  My moving out is not an option as it is a small farm and I won't give up my animals.  I guess I just need some help finding coping skills to not take his verbal abuse on me personally.  I know it is him, not me and I always tell myself not to let him upset me, but I do.  I have been able to stop myself from answering his attack as I know that no matter what I say, he isn't going to stop. Any help would be appreciated on how best to deal with my situation. Thank you 

[Pook075]

I know it is him, not me and I always tell myself not to let him upset me, but I do.

Hello Ms. Sunshine and welcome to the family.  I'm so sorry you're going through this and it sounds like a nightmare situation.  I was also in a similar position a few years ago and long story short, I sold the house and walked away.  Not what I wanted, but breaking up is about what's best for the future.  I had to let go and move on so I could actually heal.

I also wanted to quickly comment on the part above since it's not exactly true.  You might not feel any fault for what happens with him, but each of us played a part by invalidating our partner's feelings and pouring gasoline on the fire, so to speak. 

Now, it's not our fault for having little understanding of mental illness, and you can change the patterns by making some healthy boundaries and learning to lead with empathy when your ex partner is disordered. 

From his point of view, you've ruined him and it's all your fault, which is something that cycles through his brain throughout the day.  Why?  Well, he's mentally ill and great at self-sabotaging his life. So he feels like his actions are justified because you're so insensitive and horrible to him.

Now, you'll say none of that is true....and to you it's not.  But again, he's mentally ill and thinking through a disordered lens.  It's 100% true for him and why all the chaos has ensued.

To change this dynamic, you must understand that he's sick and show compassion for what he's going through.  And again, I know if feels like you're the victim here...but you're actually both victims to his mental illness.  Everything about this sucks but you can't walk away and you can't force him to move/sell without a court order, which is a long, expensive process. 

So the easiest way forward here is to change the communication dynamics, which comes from you initially since he's incapable of leading.

When he's disordered, ignore every single word that comes out of his mouth and focus on his emotions instead.  If he's angry, calm him down.  If he's sad, cheer him up.  Just be there for him like you would a small child in the exact same circumstances.  Once he realizes that you genuinely care and you're looking out for him, the over the top stuff minimizes and you can get back to some semblance of a normal life again.

If it were me (and it was a few months ago), I'd walk away and tell him good luck with the mortgage on his own.  I'd find someone to temporarily take in the farm animals and I'd be in a new house/apartment by next week.  Maybe that ruins your credit for seven years but that's a small price to pay for your sanity.

Those are your options though: walk away or learn to communicate more effectively with him.  Both options stink and neither are fair, but that's the cards you've been dealt here.  I hope that helps!

[jaded7]

Hi,  I was in an emotionally and verbally abusive relationship for 5 years.  I begged him to get help and we tried a couple times doing couple therapy, however, he would only go to 2 appointments and then say the therapist was picking on him, so he would refuse to go again.  The 2nd time, I continued to go on my own and the therapist pointed out to me that he would never stop the abuse and asked if this is how I wanted to live the rest of my live (the short good times we had, followed by the long abusive periods) and I knew it wasn't. I told my now ex-boyfriend that I would no longer go back to the relationship we had and since he wasn't willing to seek help to improve it, we were over. However, since we own our house together, the attorney said I could buy his half, and of course he doesn't want that, he would rather stay and make my life miserable. The attorney also said, I can't make him leave unless he wants to.  Therefore, although we are not a couple, we still live together.  My moving out is not an option as it is a small farm and I won't give up my animals.  I guess I just need some help finding coping skills to not take his verbal abuse on me personally.  I know it is him, not me and I always tell myself not to let him upset me, but I do.  I have been able to stop myself from answering his attack as I know that no matter what I say, he isn't going to stop. Any help would be appreciated on how best to deal with my situation. Thank you 

Ms. Sunshine, your description here of the dynamics is so spot on it could come from some of the experts here. It's really good that you have identified this as an emotionally and verbally abusive relationship. It's great that you identified that he refuses to go to more counseling because he says the therapist is picking on him, which is a very common theme here. And that your therapist, who knows him and has seen the dynamics of your interactions with him, identified how hurtful the relationship is to you. That's all very good for your healing. And good for you for setting a boundary around how you will be treated.

Pook describes his own experience with this kind of situation, I don't have personal experience with this particular scenario, but others here do.

You have been able to stop your responses to his attacks? I know very well how this goes, to be attacked in some fashion like: being told what your thinking/intending (invariably something bad), rearranging the facts of a situation and you're at fault. As you say, no matter what you do or how you respond it doesn't 'work' to stop the attacks. It's because we think if we just show them the facts of the matter, or prove to them that something you're being accused of isn't true, then they will see the light and stop.

But it doesn't work. That's because what we do is called JADE (justify, argue, defend, explain) and with a pwBPD this only adds fuel to the fire. It wold work in a more 'normal' relationship, and it would if someone explained how WE were wrong in a certain situation, but with BPD-like dynamics the partner feels their emotions are invalidated and they feel more strongly what they are feeling. It often results in crazy-making conversations that are circular and never-ending, with frustration on both sides.

In my own relationship with my ex, I just gave up responding to the attacks and accusations. They still hurt though, but I had realized that there was no point in trying to explain my intentions or meaning.

Just wanted to share that you are actually doing a good job in understanding. Now the step is to not take personally the accusations and attacks, which is difficult to say the least. There are techniques here for doing that.

Hopefully others in your situation will be able to jump in and help with the housing and animals situation, like Pook did.

[try2heal]

I can only imagine how difficult it would be to live with my uBPDexBF--it was already volatile while we were together, staying with each other 3-4 nights at a stretch. I hope you are finding the breakup sustainable for yourself.
As for the property, most states have a legal procedure for partitioning a property that nonmarried people own together. You may have to sell, but at least then you would be able to make a plan for buying somewhere else for the animals. Keep looking for lawyers!