My family is in tatters

[MrsHaversham]

My adult son (aged 32) has been difficult (occasionally impossible) to deal with since he was a teenager. He's been married for just over three years to a woman he says he no longer loves and they have a wonderful three-year-old child together, our grandson. He's in the tourist business, and where we all live, summer means the arrival of hundreds of skimpily dressed girls with few morals. For the second year in a row, my son has gone completely off the rails, running round with blondes and brunettes, showing off his latest conquests to everyone in town, not remotely caring what his wife thinks and how miserable she is or how he's making the whole family the centre of non-stop gossip. Three weeks ago, my husband and I - quite by chance - caught him with his arms round another girl and I lost it. I'm very fond of my daughter-in-law and to see him making a complete fool of her was a final straw. I called her and told her what he was doing. She went ballistic. It's all my fault, obviously, because I shouldn't have interfered, and maybe I shouldn't, but enough was enough. Over the last fifteen years my son's shown me no respect, bullies me into giving him money ( I daren't say how much but my pension pot is all but empty) and breaks my heart on a regular basis. If I walk in a room, he doesn't even look up, never mind say hello. He's rude and sullen and frankly unkind, some might say cruel. Now he's left his wife (for the time being at least) and he came to my house and spoke to me in a way I can never forget - so cold and nasty it sends shivers down my spine to think of it. He said some really terrible things. An hour later he messaged to apologise (even he knew he'd gone too far) and the following day he called me, we both said sorry and chatted almost like normal people. Since then he has totally ghosted me, won't take my calls or answer messages and the same with my husband. Our grandchild is being shared between mum and dad, one night with him, one night with her. My daughter-in-law is distraught. I keep reminding myself how horrible he's been to me over the years - so many bad memories and so few good ones, honestly - but the thought he might never speak to me again makes me weep. I've never gone more than a few days without being in touch with him and I feel like I've lost a limb. Why do I feel like this about someone who despises me? He's rung me on three occasions in the past and told me he thinks he's a sociopath or a psychopath - maybe he is, but to me he's far more BPD - he's very lacking in confidence and fragile when he's not being nasty and that doesn't fit with being a psychopath. My husband wants us to cut off contact but this is his stepson, not his son - there's no blood relationship. I can see no contact might logically be for the best - no more drama is very tempting - but I'd prefer the drama to this heartbreak. And we don't want to lose contact with our grandson, who seems to be very unhappy at the moment and who could blame him, with all the craziness going on. If you've got this far, thanks for reading. Any advice is much appreciated from a desperate, wits-end mum.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Sancho]

Hi MrsHaversham and thank you for posting.
You have certainly been through the mill for a long period of time. There are certainly aspects of BPD from what you have said, and there is a wide range of both different symptoms and intensity of symptoms with this condition.

I can understand why the situation sort of exploded. The tension building up and up, the horrible treatment of yourself, the horrible treatment of DS's wife and child and all played out in a small community. I am not sure if your DIL knew about her husband's behaviour? This is always an issue that I find difficult because it seems really awful when gossip is rife but a person doesn't know what is being said.

It's difficult to offer advice about this point in time because this is a huge crisis and it involves a group of people - yourself, DS, DIL and GS. You - possibly for the first time - called out your son, and this is really new territory for you perhaps. It seems as though you DS has treated you in a very bad way, almost with some kind of knowing that he can treat you however and you will accept it and still be there - for money, support etc.

I wonder if you can see this as a 'time out' to first of all care for yourself, but also to take time to think of the situation and whereto from here. It seems as though you have been working hard to keep the ship steady and DS is able to take for granted that you will always be there to do this.

Just a couple of questions. Are you in contact with your DIL, and if so how is she coping? Was DS asked to leave the house?

My mind is trying to sort things as I write this, because it is a complex situation and I can deeply understand that the thought of no contact long term is – well excruciatingly painful. On the other hand, being the one reaching out ultimately gives DS huge control – he is able to accept or refuse your reaching out, knowing (or would he?) how deeply his decision will affect you.

I suggest you reach out regularly – but not too often with statements rather than asking for contact. I hesitate to make suggestions because you possibly are doing these things and it can be annoying when this happens.
 I also wonder if you have a counsellor and if not, perhaps this is a good time to have that support?  When there is a crisis and a situation is dramatically changed, we just long for things to be sorted and back to ‘normal’ even when ‘normal’ was very challenging.

But the situation you describe would have come to a crisis at some point in time.  I imagine it is going to take some time because there are different relationships to work on and so many possible ways to ‘triangulate’ different people.

No matter how things progress, please make sure you tell yourself every day that you love your son, you have done everything you can to support him throughout his life, you recognize – as does he at times – that he is struggling with a mental health issue, BUT you are not responsible for his actions.

I hope this is helpful. As I said, it is such a crisis moment that I don’t feel I am very helpful at all. But you know I am thinking of you . .