What should I do now?

[findinggratitude]

Hello everyone.

I have been reading countless posts here for the past month and gained so much clarity and feel the compassion and wisdom of so many people on this board. My subject says it all. I am baffled as to why I am struggling to let go of a recent break up with my bpd partner of two years. She abruptly left me via email about 6 weeks ago, though in hindsight things were in the death-march stage for about 6 months. I think the most baffling part is how this person who was so warm and generous suddenly turned to ice. In fact, she was almost too generous (the gift giving and handwritten letters were overwhelmingly constant) and though there were red flags from the get-go, namely extreme clinginess, intense and unwarranted jealousy, constant shutting down and tears, etc...she made me believe she was deeply devoted in part because of those behaviors.

Very very abruptly these behaviors stopped and she suddenly went from the person who told me such things as "You will always have a home in me," "You are my everything", "I could never be mad at you," etcetc to being unbelievably short and cold and prone to long periods of silence. Previously she would text me at least 40x a day to the point I had to insist on a limit because it was too much. I just feel I went out of my way to reassure her constantly with daily phone calls, telling her every single aspect of my day....and always feeling like I had to assert boundaries about the constant communication (i.e. telling her I needed a few hours to do some chores or work, but knowing that after the pre-set amount of time I would "have" to contact her). In hindsight all of that was very sick, but at the time I thought she was just smitten and insecure.


This shifted recently, all at once, to her letting 12 hours go by without contacting me and acting like this was nothing new? Like her attitude and tone and behavior hadn't shifted. It was like her neediness suddenly evaporated and she couldn't be bothered. I preferred less contact and thought it was a sign she was becoming more comfortable with the relationship, but then was confronted with an email saying she was "done with the relationship" and was "going to go No-contact because I influence her too much" and vague declarations that "she has too many doubts" and "you should be with someone who trusts you wholeheartedly and that's not me". I had never cheated and I honestly am not sure what she even meant by those statements. Most of the email was cold and to the point, when previously her writing was overly flowerful and declarative.


And more shockingly, this happened 6 HOURS after professions of love AND, more disturbingly,  directly before plans to travel Europe together for 3 months (we were going to leave in 4 days). I realize this is very convoluted and scattered, but it's my first post and it probably portrays my inner state ;). I have not responded or reached out at all after that email, not even to let  her know I received it, but I can't help but wonder what she's thinking, as flights were booked, I had sublet my house for those months, taken a leave of absence from work, etc. So, my life was, if not in shambles, in a state of upheaval, and I have spent these  6 weeks putting it back together and feel like responding will only cause her to increase the coldness or not reply at all. She insisted on NC, so I am going to adhere to it and respect myself in the process.

I am horrified she was able to do this knowing it would hurt me terribly (she said that in the email i.e. "I feel so guilty knowing this will hurt you.") but at the same time saying she doubted me, so why would I be hurt then? But the fact she was able to just walk away, especially then, is chilling. She had spent the previous few days saturating me with loving texts, and then she did a complete 180 with NO warning. I have a strong desire to write to her, but question my motives. I think I am looking for her to "see the light" as far as the damage she did, and that's not a good motive. Or to apologize. Or maybe just to see she cares at all, which apparently she does not as she has been utterly silent. Again, the silence itself is shocking given the constant, and I mean constant flow of communication earlier in the relationship, and chronic need to see if I was "okay" or "upset". I think Im just very confused and looking for advice or feedback of any kind.

[jaded7]

Hello everyone.

I have been reading countless posts here for the past month and gained so much clarity and feel the compassion and wisdom of so many people on this board. My subject says it all. I am baffled as to why I am struggling to let go of a recent break up with my bpd partner of two years. She abruptly left me via email about 6 weeks ago, though in hindsight things were in the death-march stage for about 6 months. I think the most baffling part is how this person who was so warm and generous suddenly turned to ice. In fact, she was almost too generous (the gift giving and handwritten letters were overwhelmingly constant) and though there were red flags from the get-go, namely extreme clinginess, intense and unwarranted jealousy, constant shutting down and tears, etc...she made me believe she was deeply devoted in part because of those behaviors.

Very very abruptly these behaviors stopped and she suddenly went from the person who told me such things as "You will always have a home in me," "You are my everything", "I could never be mad at you," etcetc to being unbelievably short and cold and prone to long periods of silence. Previously she would text me at least 40x a day to the point I had to insist on a limit because it was too much. I just feel I went out of my way to reassure her constantly with daily phone calls, telling her every single aspect of my day....and always feeling like I had to assert boundaries about the constant communication (i.e. telling her I needed a few hours to do some chores or work, but knowing that after the pre-set amount of time I would "have" to contact her). In hindsight all of that was very sick, but at the time I thought she was just smitten and insecure.


This shifted recently, all at once, to her letting 12 hours go by without contacting me and acting like this was nothing new? Like her attitude and tone and behavior hadn't shifted. It was like her neediness suddenly evaporated and she couldn't be bothered. I preferred less contact and thought it was a sign she was becoming more comfortable with the relationship, but then was confronted with an email saying she was "done with the relationship" and was "going to go No-contact because I influence her too much" and vague declarations that "she has too many doubts" and "you should be with someone who trusts you wholeheartedly and that's not me". I had never cheated and I honestly am not sure what she even meant by those statements. Most of the email was cold and to the point, when previously her writing was overly flowerful and declarative.


And more shockingly, this happened 6 HOURS after professions of love AND, more disturbingly,  directly before plans to travel Europe together for 3 months (we were going to leave in 4 days). I realize this is very convoluted and scattered, but it's my first post and it probably portrays my inner state ;). I have not responded or reached out at all after that email, not even to let  her know I received it, but I can't help but wonder what she's thinking, as flights were booked, I had sublet my house for those months, taken a leave of absence from work, etc. So, my life was, if not in shambles, in a state of upheaval, and I have spent these  6 weeks putting it back together and feel like responding will only cause her to increase the coldness or not reply at all. She insisted on NC, so I am going to adhere to it and respect myself in the process.

I am horrified she was able to do this knowing it would hurt me terribly (she said that in the email i.e. "I feel so guilty knowing this will hurt you.") but at the same time saying she doubted me, so why would I be hurt then? But the fact she was able to just walk away, especially then, is chilling. She had spent the previous few days saturating me with loving texts, and then she did a complete 180 with NO warning. I have a strong desire to write to her, but question my motives. I think I am looking for her to "see the light" as far as the damage she did, and that's not a good motive. Or to apologize. Or maybe just to see she cares at all, which apparently she does not as she has been utterly silent. Again, the silence itself is shocking given the constant, and I mean constant flow of communication earlier in the relationship, and chronic need to see if I was "okay" or "upset". I think Im just very confused and looking for advice or feedback of any kind.

Hi Findinggratitude,

As you are beginning to find out from reading posts here, these behaviors and relationship dynamics are not really uncommon at all. I'm sure you have seen similar things in other posts. They are confusing and hurtful.

You say you partner is diagnosed with BPD? If so, that is saying a lot.

It's almost like whiplash, isn't it? The shift that happens, from lots of attention and declarations of love, then withdrawing and distance that we can feel and know is happening, but can't understand why.

You said something very interesting, that the extreme behaviors (jealousy, crying, clinginess, shutting down) had the effect of you believing they meant she was highly invested in you and the relationship. I can absolutely relate to that: surely she wouldn't get this upset at me if she didn't REALLY love me, right?

And the sudden shift to silence and no communication with her acting like this is somehow 180 degrees different from how she was acting before. Again, profound confusion.

Plus everything else you wrote, just so common that it leaves us reeling. She ended the relationship by email. Feels so cold and unloving I know, my ex ended our relationship on the phone, after two years and me being involved with her family and son. We have to understand these by recognizing it's a way of distancing from the reality of what they are doing.

I recognize the desire to understand what the heck happened but at the same time questioning your motives, waiting for her to see the light. But not wanting to get attacked or accused of something if you do contact, but feeling helpless as you wait.

I just wanted to say that I understand your feelings right now and they are real and warranted, and very common.

[findinggratitude]

Thank you, Jaded7, for such a lengthy and thoughtful response, especially when reading back on what I wrote it's pretty unclear what I was even asking or looking for as far as feedback. I think, more than anything, it's just to hear everything you wrote...that this isn't unusual (given the circumstances) and that my feelings are shared by others who go through something similar.

It's funny you mention the word "whiplash". I would use that word frequently in the past few months with her because that's exactly how it felt. That, and constantly moving goalposts all of a sudden. I had a very solid idea of what she needed (constant reassurance and feedback and attention, mostly) but it was all very intangible. It's as if she couldn't put the words or framework around exactly what would help, but these were just grand yet vague needs that I couldn't fulfill because they weren't specified. Also, I knew throughout the relationship that she was hiding a lot from me as far as her inner-life. It was apparent because she would be seemingly happy and then suddenly I would be hit with a novel length email (lots of emails all the time) about how she was "really" feeling and that she was "afraid to tell me" and then elaborations on how I wasn't giving her enough of what she needed (but again, without being able to specify how). I think what she needed was for me to have no other interests or relationships (the jealousy of my friends was wild, and she always thought I was interested romantically in people when there was NO evidence there at all. I truly was devoted to her). I think that weirdly hurt my own self-confidence. It's very difficult to be with someone who just frankly WILL NOT believe you love them. It really all boiled down to that. I don't know. I'm clearly still very confused !

[jaded7]

Thank you, Jaded7, for such a lengthy and thoughtful response, especially when reading back on what I wrote it's pretty unclear what I was even asking or looking for as far as feedback. I think, more than anything, it's just to hear everything you wrote...that this isn't unusual (given the circumstances) and that my feelings are shared by others who go through something similar.

It's funny you mention the word "whiplash". I would use that word frequently in the past few months with her because that's exactly how it felt. That, and constantly moving goalposts all of a sudden. I had a very solid idea of what she needed (constant reassurance and feedback and attention, mostly) but it was all very intangible. It's as if she couldn't put the words or framework around exactly what would help, but these were just grand yet vague needs that I couldn't fulfill because they weren't specified. Also, I knew throughout the relationship that she was hiding a lot from me as far as her inner-life. It was apparent because she would be seemingly happy and then suddenly I would be hit with a novel length email (lots of emails all the time) about how she was "really" feeling and that she was "afraid to tell me" and then elaborations on how I wasn't giving her enough of what she needed (but again, without being able to specify how). I think what she needed was for me to have no other interests or relationships (the jealousy of my friends was wild, and she always thought I was interested romantically in people when there was NO evidence there at all. I truly was devoted to her). I think that weirdly hurt my own self-confidence. It's very difficult to be with someone who just frankly WILL NOT believe you love them. It really all boiled down to that. I don't know. I'm clearly still very confused !

You're very welcome Findinggratitude. I know it might seem like a long response, and I know you think your original post was rambling....but neither are true! Super long posts are not uncommon here, nor are long responses. The super long posts are usually because the poster is so confused, so deep in ruminative thoughts, trying to make sense of things.

That, and constantly moving goalposts all of a sudden. I had a very solid idea of what she needed (constant reassurance and feedback and attention, mostly) but it was all very intangible. It's as if she couldn't put the words or framework around exactly what would help, but these were just grand yet vague needs that I couldn't fulfill because they weren't specified. Also, I knew throughout the relationship that she was hiding a lot from me as far as her inner-life. It was apparent because she would be seemingly happy and then suddenly I would be hit with a novel length email (lots of emails all the time) about how she was "really" feeling and that she was "afraid to tell me" and then elaborations on how I wasn't giving her enough of what she needed (but again, without being able to specify how)

I can only say oh my gosh, I and many others will recognize this: unspoken 'needs', but expecting you to know what they are....we call that mind reading expectations, something I experience a great deal of and in fact explained to my ex that was what she was doing. I would have done absolutely anything for her, if she only asked. I think there is a fear of asking for help or expressing what they actually need because it required vulnerability- you might be turned down, or perhaps there's the deep feeling of being unworthy and not deserving. Then..it builds up into anger and snapping, or as you write here long emails with accusations and disappointments (same here).

I've found in my healing that we have to return to ourselves. Yes, we need to see the dynamics for what they are....and they are often abusive and disrespectful. Knowing these things can help in the healing, but ultimately we need to come home to ourselves and recognize that we are good people, we tried, but ultimately we were dealing with unhealthy relational patterns and behaviors and in your case, a diagnosed personality disorder that is very serious and damaging in relationships.

Look online, look in bookstores.....there are many many many resources for people who've been hurt by relationships with BPD partners. There's a reason for that. You aren't alone.

[findinggratitude]

Thank you again for such a thoughtful response. I think you're right about the vulnerability element, though it's fascinating she was always demanding it from me. And I use the word demanding intentionally, because I felt like I was forthright with my own apprehensions or mental health weaknesses or sore spots, to the point I often was burnt out because I wasn't really struggling with much but felt like I almost had to reveal something or other so she felt satisfied. In a way that was inauthentic of me, but I honestly believed at the time she was helping me unearth how I 'ticked' or operated, something like that. But I was also aware that she was hyperfocused on mood and "issues" in general, to the point I was uncomfortably aware she was happiest when there was internal chaos in me. It's hard to explain. She claimed to be vulnerable, but she wasn't, I realize now. She was emotional, yes. She cried constantly, yes. But the tears were something I think she used to get out of having to be responsible, to make me change something I was saying or doing, etc.

[SnailShell]

Thank you again for such a thoughtful response. I think you're right about the vulnerability element, though it's fascinating she was always demanding it from me. And I use the word demanding intentionally, because I felt like I was forthright with my own apprehensions or mental health weaknesses or sore spots, to the point I often was burnt out because I wasn't really struggling with much but felt like I almost had to reveal something or other so she felt satisfied. In a way that was inauthentic of me, but I honestly believed at the time she was helping me unearth how I 'ticked' or operated, something like that. But I was also aware that she was hyperfocused on mood and "issues" in general, to the point I was uncomfortably aware she was happiest when there was internal chaos in me. It's hard to explain. She claimed to be vulnerable, but she wasn't, I realize now. She was emotional, yes. She cried constantly, yes. But the tears were something I think she used to get out of having to be responsible, to make me change something I was saying or doing, etc.

This idea of having to be vulnerable - yes!!

My ex would always accuse me of being closed, neutral... and would say things like "I don't think you know HOW to express your emotions". I clicked that she might not be totally coherent when she said "I think youre jealous because I can be emotionally messy and you can't!"

I was never jealous of her emotional messiness... it actually caused our relationship a lot of problems...

But the joke of it is, I'd cried to her.
I'd been vulnerable and messy at times.

I think she seemed to want me to be struggling as much as her, so that we'd both have our 'demons' in common, or something.

I ended up feeling like I was taking it a bit - but it also sorts convinced me that I was more broken than I actually am.

I came to see myself as some deep trauma victim... really, I have my scars like everyone, but somehow she seemed determined for us both to have 'problems' or something.

Like it was almost romantic to her...

But also it's as though it empowered her somehow - to have me to fix...

[findinggratitude]

SnailShell, I absolutely experienced that a well. My ex recently got a tattoo that states, in some sort of heiroglyphics, "Emotional" on her arm. She believes that her chronic display of emotion (namely, crying, constantly) is something to be proud of. She "follows her heart." In fact, she left, suddenly and swiftly and without warning because, "Her heart was out of it." I believe they actually struggle immensely with defining their feelings, and so they just speak in vague terms like "heart" and find a way to make us feel like we aren't using our own hearts to the point, as you mentioned, we are forced to reveal a certain darkness or deep-rooted trauma that really isn't even there, just so they feel we are on the same page as them. Maybe that makes them feel better. But after awhile I did feel as though the only way we could communicate was through sharing difficult feelings (between each other or otherwise) when I frequently wasn't feeling them at all. I suppose this is insight into their inner landscape though.

[SnailShell]

SnailShell, I absolutely experienced that a well. My ex recently got a tattoo that states, in some sort of heiroglyphics, "Emotional" on her arm. She believes that her chronic display of emotion (namely, crying, constantly) is something to be proud of. She "follows her heart." In fact, she left, suddenly and swiftly and without warning because, "Her heart was out of it." I believe they actually struggle immensely with defining their feelings, and so they just speak in vague terms like "heart" and find a way to make us feel like we aren't using our own hearts to the point, as you mentioned, we are forced to reveal a certain darkness or deep-rooted trauma that really isn't even there, just so they feel we are on the same page as them. Maybe that makes them feel better. But after awhile I did feel as though the only way we could communicate was through sharing difficult feelings (between each other or otherwise) when I frequently wasn't feeling them at all. I suppose this is insight into their inner landscape though.

Yeah, it’s interesting you say that!

I think that one of the confusing things about this situation for me is trying to sort through what is love and what is just emotional intensity.

In truth, I think I met someone who… I mean… who I thought needed a certain amount from me to feel safe… but who kept needing more, and kept needing more, and kept needing more.

And who could actually be quite critical of me if she felt she wasn’t getting it…

I remember after we broke up, she messaged me on what would’ve been our six month anniversary asking why I hadn’t messaged her that day. When I didn’t fully understand, she said:

“Oh forget it, I’m going to sleep. You’ve always been less sentimental than me anyway.”

(I’m not REALLY sure what she meant by that… it was a kind of random thing to say.)

Then I realised, and pretended that I’d just not said anything because I wasn’t sure if it’d be helpful for her.

I felt like that all of the time.

Like the relationship could be lovely, but the price of admission was a consistently rising investment with consistently diminishing returns.

It isn’t love… I don’t know what it is… emotional noise, deep yearning, a sense of drowning into someone who offers the kind of affection I’d missed for too long…

But it’s not love… and it shouldn’t be confused for it, or I’ll miss actual love when it comes along!

[findinggratitude]

Snailshell,

Everything you wrote there resonated with me.

In truth, I think I met someone who… I mean… who I thought needed a certain amount from me to feel safe… but who kept needing more, and kept needing more, and kept needing more.


This! I think first of all this notion of feeling "safe" is something I will have to look out for in the future. I mean, we all obviously want to feel safe in a relationship, but having that be something that is often discussed, well, it just gets bizarre. A lot of the issue there for me was in order for her to feel safe I had to give her a play-by-play of my day. But then, anything I did or said was combed through for "evidence" of lack of safety for her. If I said I had a great time with someone, I KNEW her wheels would start churning about whether or not I had a better time with that person than I did with her, and whether I was falling for them in some way (sexually, or as someone I could "open up to more" or just somehow that some other person was replacing her in some way). So, it put me in a place where I was the one who didn't feel "safe" because if I witheld information, I was being "shady". but if I shared it, I was in for a world of irritation and frustration because it would somehow be twisted against me and against her in a way too. I felt constantly like I was under surveillance, and like she was just looking for confirmation bias of the fact I wasn't "into" her. Yet I devoted so so much attention to her and us.

I love what you said about a constantly rising investment with consistently diminishing returns.

Likewise when you wrote: emotional noise, deep yearning, a sense of drowning into someone who offers the kind of affection I’d missed for too long…

All of that rings very true. It's a very visceral experience, and I wonder if that intense yearning is something they project onto us. Because it's not something I have experienced before and it's not simply physical in nature...and the word drowning is apt as well. Because that's sort of what it is, a weird, almost underwater sense of being very connected to this person, all that stuff I never previously subscribed to, like "soul mate" and "meant to find each other"...but it truly felt that way, almost like we were the same person in some ways...though that's not quite it. It's very very confusing and also a reason why the abrupt and cruel manner of leaving is so startling. I am surprised I am still reeling after nearly two months. Not as consumed, but reeling for sure. Stunned, shocked, etc.

[SnailShell]

Snailshell,

Everything you wrote there resonated with me.

In truth, I think I met someone who… I mean… who I thought needed a certain amount from me to feel safe… but who kept needing more, and kept needing more, and kept needing more.


This! I think first of all this notion of feeling "safe" is something I will have to look out for in the future. I mean, we all obviously want to feel safe in a relationship, but having that be something that is often discussed, well, it just gets bizarre. A lot of the issue there for me was in order for her to feel safe I had to give her a play-by-play of my day. But then, anything I did or said was combed through for "evidence" of lack of safety for her. If I said I had a great time with someone, I KNEW her wheels would start churning about whether or not I had a better time with that person than I did with her, and whether I was falling for them in some way (sexually, or as someone I could "open up to more" or just somehow that some other person was replacing her in some way). So, it put me in a place where I was the one who didn't feel "safe" because if I witheld information, I was being "shady". but if I shared it, I was in for a world of irritation and frustration because it would somehow be twisted against me and against her in a way too. I felt constantly like I was under surveillance, and like she was just looking for confirmation bias of the fact I wasn't "into" her. Yet I devoted so so much attention to her and us.

I love what you said about a constantly rising investment with consistently diminishing returns.

Likewise when you wrote: emotional noise, deep yearning, a sense of drowning into someone who offers the kind of affection I’d missed for too long…

All of that rings very true. It's a very visceral experience, and I wonder if that intense yearning is something they project onto us. Because it's not something I have experienced before and it's not simply physical in nature...and the word drowning is apt as well. Because that's sort of what it is, a weird, almost underwater sense of being very connected to this person, all that stuff I never previously subscribed to, like "soul mate" and "meant to find each other"...but it truly felt that way, almost like we were the same person in some ways...though that's not quite it. It's very very confusing and also a reason why the abrupt and cruel manner of leaving is so startling. I am surprised I am still reeling after nearly two months. Not as consumed, but reeling for sure. Stunned, shocked, etc.

Yeah, that's true!

Firstly - safety:

I know. And in truth, I didn't feel very safe with her either - I'd go to bed and feel 'wired', wondering what was coming next.

In some ways, the extremes of attention and love didn't feel safe to me; in others, the abuse/silent treatment/withdrawal and self-isolation didn't feel safe either.

It seemed like we'd either break up, or we'd marry - and neither of those seemed like happy options.

But I also vividly remember going to various stores with her, and noting if the cashier was a girl within my age window. If the girl was, I wouldn't want to smile to wide or talk too much - because I felt I was being observed, and that anything which looked like flirting would cause a problem.

I'm not sure if it actually WOULD have or not, but I sure felt like it might.

----

I really like the end of your post -

'almost under water sense of being very connected' - yup, that's a great way to put it!

It felt like a kind of love... but not a happy kind.

It wasn't really an open, happy relationship which invited friends and family into it; it was more like... a closed, enmeshed, nervous sort of pseudo-love, which felt like it weakened both of us, and made us more reliant on each other.

When it disappeared, I missed her like hell - because it felt like I needed her, even if everyone said I was better off without her.
---

If you're two months out - I mean - I wouldn't presume that it'll take months or years, but it's normal for it to take a bit of time.

These situations can be *super* strange, and very, very intense.

I'm about three/four months out now; and I'm usually pretty good now.
Sometimes I feel totally back to normal, with the occasional backslide.

It's not a linear process, but I bet you'll start to feel stronger on your feet before long!

[findinggratitude]

I appreciate your vote of confidence that I will be less fraught about all of this soon, Snailshell. I'm definitely. night -and -day better than I was two weeks ago, or a month ago.

It wasn't really an open, happy relationship which invited friends and family into it; it was more like... a closed, enmeshed, nervous sort of pseudo-love, which felt like it weakened both of us, and made us more reliant on each other.

When it disappeared, I missed her like hell - because it felt like I needed her, even if everyone said I was better off without her.

I love this. Throughout our relationship there was an element of feeling like I was "gasping for air" and there was a weightedness to her energy-just tense and....the only way I can describe it was feeling like I was "chewing on tinfoil"....sort of an electric hum but also a lot of dread a lot of the time. You're right in that it probably does weaken both of you...it's almost like that feeling right after a huge adrenaline spike all the time. And that keeps you chronically exhausted. I spent much more time than I normally would just laying around with her (I never nap normally) because I was just emotionally spent, but then looked to her, the source of that "spentness' for reprieve from it. I honestly physically became less, I guess robust would be the word, as time went on.

I am definitely starting to see how, as you put it, "super strange" it all was, and I was mildly creeped out the whole time when I was in it too. But that's better than being crushed and heartbroken...which is more like an occasional burst, during which time I come up with some grand reunion plan, but honestly I wouldn't act on it, and I think that's just some sort of bizarre aftermath too, like trying to "fix" it with an utterly unrealistic fantasy cure.
---

[SnailShell]

^^^ I forgot to reply to this, but it all rings true!

Firstly, yeah - you'll definitely get there!
A couple of months isn't long to move on from most relationships, but a BPD one can take a little extra time.

Did you say you're speaking with a therapist?
That can really help to piece things together - especially if you have one who's very aware of BPD etc.

Secondly, yup - I recognise the heaviness!
It was a very claustrophobic relationship for me - which also led to lots of midday naps, and falling asleep on her etc.
We spent - as you say - a lot of time just lying around, and I was absolutely exhausted by the end!

Thirdly, yeah - I was mildly creeped out too!
A lot of strange things going on... even when we were making out or whatever, her face would get SO into it, it was almost a bit overwhelming and odd.
She behaved very strangely sometimes... it was all just too intense.

I read an article on here earlier which advised people not to mistake sympathy/compassion for love - and I think that's good advice!

Love is held between equals who share common friendship, interests etc; I don't think the relationship that I had was really based on that, in the proper sense...

It was more about need fulfilment, sharing trauma stories, and I dunno... some drama to entertain her with, I suppose (that last comment is a bit cynical... I don't really think that exactly).

[Clearmind]

In fact, she was almost too generous

It sounds like you went through a really complex dynamic in your relationship. It’s interesting how her overwhelming generosity, like constant gift-giving and handwritten letters, could create the illusion of deep devotion. But those red flags—like extreme clinginess, intense jealousy, and emotional shutdowns—often lead to a confusing cycle. You probably found yourself caught in a pattern where the affection felt genuine at times, but it was closely tied to her emotional ups and downs.
This cycling of highs and lows can be exhausting and makes it hard to see the relationship's true health. Recognising these patterns is a crucial step in figuring out what you need moving forward.

Very very abruptly these behaviors stopped and she suddenly went from the person who told me such things as "You will always have a home in me," "You are my everything", "I could never be mad at you," etcetc to being unbelievably short and cold and prone to long periods of silence. Previously she would text me at least 40x a day to the point I had to insist on a limit because it was too much.

Was it abrupt? Or was it more of a slow burn?
It’s striking how abruptly those behaviours changed, isn’t it? It’s often what we seek out in a relationship—the deep affection and constant communication that makes us feel valued and loved. When she was showering you with sweet words like "You will always have a home in me" and "You are my everything," it created a strong sense of security and connection. But then, when that shifted to coldness and long silences, it must have felt incredibly jarring.
This kind of intense initial connection can be intoxicating, but it also sets the stage for confusion when the dynamics change so drastically. Many of us crave that constant communication and reassurance, and when it suddenly stops, it leaves us feeling unsettled and questioning the relationship’s stability. It highlights how these patterns can create a rollercoaster of emotions, making it hard to understand what we truly want versus what we’re experiencing.

I just feel I went out of my way to reassure her constantly with daily phone calls, telling her every single aspect of my day……………. In hindsight all of that was very sick, but at the time I thought she was just smitten and insecure.

It sounds like you really put a lot into that relationship, constantly reassuring her with phone calls and sharing every single detail of your day. Looking back, it’s easy to see how that kind of over-communication could be exhausting or unhealthy, but at the time, you probably just thought you were helping someone you cared about, thinking she was just smitten and a bit insecure.
We often don’t realise how much we’re overextending ourselves until we reflect. It’s easy to confuse constant reassurance with love, especially when you’re trying to ease someone’s insecurities. But relationships need balance, and it’s important to remember that your needs matter too. There’s definitely a line where you have to make sure you’re not sacrificing your own well-being along the way.
We contributed to the cycle through enabling.

sign she was becoming more comfortable.

You possibly felt blindsided and triggers our own self-doubt.

"you should be with someone who trusts you wholeheartedly and that's not me"………."I feel so guilty knowing this will hurt you.")

Book recommendation
I Hate You--Don't Leave Me: Third Edition: Understanding the Borderline Personality by Jerold J. Kreisman

She had spent the previous few days saturating me with loving texts, and then she did a complete 180 with NO warning.

This is splitting - when someone with BPD shifts from seeing someone as all good (idealisation) to all bad (devaluation) with no middle ground. This can result in intense shifts in behaviour, which is incredibly jarring - such as going from flooding someone with affection to suddenly becoming distant, cold, or even hostile.
This cycle of good/bad is often what keeps us “hooked” – because the intense highs of affection make us feel deeply valued, while the sudden shifts to distance or coldness leave us craving that closeness again. It creates an emotional rollercoaster where we find ourselves constantly seeking the return of those loving moments, even at the cost of our own well-being.

I have a strong desire to write to her, but question my motives. I think I am looking for her to "see the light" as far as the damage she did, and that's not a good motive.

Excellent insight.

Or maybe just to see she cares at all, which apparently she does not as she has been utterly silent.

It’s sometimes their way of managing their own emotional turmoil and shame.
When we have these thoughts, it’s important to remind ourselves that their behavior is not a reflection of our worth or how lovable we are. Their emotional reactions are often driven by their own challenges, and separating their actions from how we feel about ourselves can help us maintain perspective.

mean constant flow of communication earlier in the relationship, and chronic need to see if I was "okay" or "upset". I think Im just very confused and looking for advice or feedback of any kind.

I am assuming you have heard of the term “love bombing”?
In the beginning, there’s often an intense, overwhelming amount of attention, affection, and communication—constantly checking in to see if you’re "okay" or "upset." This can feel incredibly validating at first, but it can also be part of the emotional instability that comes with BPD. And on the flip side we loved it! Until we didn’t. So we love bombed too.
People with BPD often have a strong fear of abandonment, so they might go all out with love bombing to feel secure in the relationship. At first, that constant reassurance can feel like they’re really into you, but it can get pretty exhausting over time. The tricky part is that all that attention can suddenly switch, leaving you feeling lost when they pull away or become distant.
It’s totally understandable to feel confused. Relationships like this can be tough to navigate. Just remember, the love bombing isn’t really about you; it’s more about their need for security. Recognising these patterns can help you figure out what boundaries you need to set for your own emotional well-being in future relationships and see the red flags and act sooner.

[findinggratitude]

snailshell: thanks, as always for reconfirming so much of what I've written. We seem to have had similar experiences. The "creepiness" was very much tied into facial expressions: the way she would stare at me. It was TOO much. Or just start crying because "I love you so much." It just felt "off". I was, weirdly, impressed with how easily she accessed her emotions, but it wasn't so much that, in hindsdight, as that she had no ability to manage them.

It was more about need fulfilment, sharing trauma stories, and I dunno... some drama to entertain her with, I suppose (that last comment is a bit cynical... I don't really think that exactly).

I actually DO think the drama entertains them. But not in a good or conscious way. I was literally begging at times for the chaos and confusion and complications to stop. It wasn't always horrible, but she just had a way of making every interaction, even the most benign, somehow very tangled and convoluted and emotionally charged for no discernible reason. I do think she was DEEPLY bored, but that's not quite the word. She had an internal barren wasteland of sorts, I believe, lots of emptiness with dashes of pain that give it meaning. That sounds dramatic, but that's how it felt. I legitimately have empathy for this.

[findinggratitude]

Clearmind, first of all, thank you for taking so much time and energy with your response. Lots of good feedback and information for me to contemplate. The gift-giving got to the point where I told her it was overwhelming and needed to stop. She would take note of what I liked and buy variations of those things constantly. And she would send me elaborate packaged FULL of stuff: clothes, food, items for the house, etcetc. It felt needy and servile in a weird way. But also she WAS very attuned to what I like and gave me lots of things that made me think, "Why does this feel weird? Or manipulative in some way? She's just being sweet." I think it made me anxious to know I was constantly constantly on her mind. I felt the obsessiveness from the very start and it was deeply cloying....which is why when she pulled away, it was that much more shattering/startling.

In hindsight there was a slower burnout than I indicated initially...but I mistook it for her "normalizing" as far as volume of contact and chronic need. She was SO over-the-top with communication that when, for her, she withdrew significantly, it felt normal to me, finally. So, I don't think I caught it right away. The immediate departure and dead silence in the form of NC was sudden, and, as I keep stating, days away from me going on a 3 month trip abroad with her, so I had adjusted my entire life around that (arranging work and living situation accordingly) which was incredibly horrifying. It was two significant blows in one, and seemingly no guilt on her end. She KNEW my life would be a mess, but disappeared. OR, even sadder, she truly did not trust me and so dipped out before I could "disappoint" her in some way that I am not sure about. Either way, significant damage was done.

We contributed to the cycle through enabling.

Absolutely. And I definitely did this to "manage" her emotions so that I would be less stressed. Not once thinking, hmmm, this level of management is unhealthy. But because she was SO into me, I felt like I had to reciprocate somehow. It was a weird feeling of obligation, and "doing a relationship" on her terms because otherwise all hell would break loose in the form of soooooo much talking and emotional upheaval, and just hashing out "issues" that in my mind, did not exist. Or were never defined enough for me to be able to work on them.

the love bombing isn’t really about you; it’s more about their need for security.
I absolutely sensed this. But its hard to believe it, I suspect, when it's a)bizarre and b)I wanted to believe it! And that's on me

[Clearmind]

In hindsight there was a slower burnout than I indicated initially...but I mistook it for her "normalizing" as far as volume of contact and chronic need.

I still recall 15 years on how exhausting it all was. I am married now to a wonderful man and I can fall apart and sob and throw a "tantrum" he stands like a rock not wavering in his love. My ex would fall apart with me which isnt helpful!!!

Mirroring is adopting the personality traits, emotions, and behaviours of the people around them - mimicking the likes, dislikes, opinions, and even the mannerisms. I won't go too much into it but certainly many good books explain it way better than I could. All I needed to know it wasn't healthy but that in order to manage my own feelings of abandonment (me needing to be needed) I also mirrored him to the stage where we both no longer knew who we were - individually or together. A healthy relationship is two independently healthy and happy people coming together to enrich each other's lives, not relying on each other to fill emotional voids or fix personal issues. We need to dig down to find out what void we are trying to fill and where it comes from.

We contributed to the cycle through enabling.

Absolutely. And I definitely did this to "manage" her emotions so that I would be less stressed.

Awesome insight - you are 99% there. The other 1% which is crucial to you not repeating this cycle is finding where in you needs to fix and/or seeks out highly intense relationships.

the love bombing isn’t really about you; it’s more about their need for security.
I absolutely sensed this. But its hard to believe it, I suspect, when it's a)bizarre and b)I wanted to believe it! And that's on me

It's a dance FG! We dance the waltz for a little while, in complete synchronicity, and it's gorgeous and then we start stomping on each others feet with mis-steps because we are hearing the same music differently now and then it all crumbles to dust - you are dancing right and shes dancing left! BUT, we dont leave right away we dance the dance a few more times to try and make it better and then we end up here at BPD family a mess trying to figure out what the heck happened.

With mirroring if you get angry, they get angry and cannot deal - its a dance!

My relationship break down had me so dysregulated that I started to replay scenes in my mind from my childhood. They were memories and real ones! I was triggered by my ex and he triggered the parts in me that needed to heal.