Does anyone else just have trouble accepting reality.

[SoooConfused]

Hi,

I’ve posted here before and want to thank everyone for their kind words. It has helped me tremendously.

I think the title says it all. My daughter 33 has BPD with symptoms of NPD.

I know this. But, I am having a great deal of trouble emotionally accepting that this person I spoke with every day for 33 years has just walked away from our relationship.

I find myself sitting here crying all the time.

I really don’t know what to do to get over this.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Joyinrepetition]

It’s so hard to be estranged from those we previously had a close relationship with. My DSD and I were pretty close, I’ve known her since she was 5, and she grew up alongside my biological daughter, who is 18 months younger than my DSD. I have other biological children and I also have another stepdaughter, my DSD’s oldest sister, who I also suspect has BPD, but more mildly. For the past 7 years my husband and I have been partially estranged from my DSD, we are simply on a ‘message now and again’ relationship, which is really held together by a thin fragile thread. We haven’t seen my UDSD for 13 years, and she cut us out of her life completely, 4 years ago. They have a good relationship with one another, which is not positive in my opinion, especially as I feel UDSD has turned DSD against her father, since DSD went to stay with her 4 years ago, at the same time UDSD decided to cut myself and her father out of her life. They both have children who we are unable to see, which makes the whole situation even harder. Sorry for the long winded post! Hope it makes sense.

It’s a very difficult and hurtful situation, so I feel your pain

[SoooConfused]

Hi Joyinrepitition,

Thank you. I am disappointed in myself. I hate to make this situation about me. But, I just don’t appear to be able accept the loss of her affection. And, I do not think there is a way to not take it personally.

My daughter had been lying to us about major things for the last seven years. She claimed to be the victim of DV. We removed her from the situation and moved out of State. I thought since she’d come clean about her behavior….we would start with a clean slate. She then proceeded to lie about another relationship she entered into less than 3 months later. She chose to pursue that relationship and cut us out of her life. It’s just so unbelievable.

[Joyinrepetition]

Oh my goodness that so much mirrors my own DSD! I made a post in response to another comment which explains the situation better. But yes that sounds exactly like my step daughter for sure! Especially the relationship bit! I know it’s hard not to take it personally but knowing she has a diagnosis of BPD has helped me tremendously with my own emotions. It’s not me, which is something I grappled with for years, thinking I’d done something wrong, knowing in my heart I had not. So now the pieces fit into the puzzle of why she is how she is….at last

[SoooConfused]

Upon reflection, I now see that there were signs of her illness in behaviors that I found incomprehensible. Like I noticed she couldn’t judge  good from bad in a litany of instances ie dentist, contractors etc.

But, I find it so hard to believe, I didn’t realize the severity of her illness sooner. In her mask especially designed for me, she was a business minded serious person. I’ve thought about her life, her education, her environment, and every other aspect of her life. There were no serious traumas. However, a psychologist I spoke with pointed out minor traumas she experienced… ie moving, the death of a pet etc. I’m sorry but as I reflected on this suggestion, I realized they were normal life experiences. Not what I consider a life long traumatic experience.

I  blame myself for not recognizing her illness. I didn’t see through the mask that she still tries to this day to maintains for me so I will communicate with her and allow her to manipulate me. Every time I hear from her, I wonder what does she want now. My heart is broken. I’m just not able to get passed it.

[BPDstinks]

I have trouble with this!  My 23 y/o BPD just "cut ties" with me, her Dad, her sister, her beloved nieces; we were very close; in a nutshell, i cannot wrap my brain around it, though it was been well over a hear (last time I saw pwBPD was 6/1/23 at her dance recital (she literally raised her hand STOP when I came over to bring her flowers) (i was so embarrased, sad, I truly did not know what to DO) over the course of the time, I receive sporadic texts but they are always about wanting money, questions on her insurance, accusations over "you name it"; every now & than they are "I appreciate you" ; her father takes it harder, but...she used to text me MANY many times a day, i practically lived with her, at her apartment (that I co-signed & furnished, just saying) so, I am patiently waiting for (what?) oddly, she reached out to MY mother (her grandmother) i check my messages for a sign every morning and every night; so...my heart goes out to all of you

[BPDstinks]

I keep receiving mail for my pwd & mail it TO her, with a little "I love you/miss you" note...it seems PITIFUL

[CC43]

Hi Confused,

Your name sums up part of what parents feel about children with BPD, who sometimes demonstrate perplexing behaviors that range from disappointing to self-sabotaging to sadistic.  I suspect that for parents, the behaviors are especially confusing, because we know so much about the child's upbringing, and our memories of it often conflict with her tales of purported abuse.  It's possible to wonder whether we caused her dysfunction, and if we're to blame--through nature, nurture or both.  On top of the confusion, we might feel anger, resentment, despair, exhaustion, sadness and grief.  The grief can have many layers, from missing a lost love, to mourning a life cruelly struck down by mental illness.  Maybe for some people, the accumulation of feelings is so intense that it ultimately renders them numb.  Or maybe we lose hope, because it seems that no matter what we do, she resists getting the help she needs, and she just can't handle a normal, healthy relationship.  Losing a child we love and cherish to mental illness seems cruel indeed.  There's no closure, no explanation, no certainty--except for the certainty that she'll blame us for all her woes, and she'll find ways to punish us for that, typically by lashing out, cutting us off completely, or see-sawing between the two extremes.  We might try to hold out hope, but a lifetime of volatile relations teaches us to be cautious.

Sometimes in dealing with a loved one with BPD (my adult stepdaughter), I recall the five stages of grief--denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance.  I'm fairly sure I've passed through each phase a number of times, although not necessarily sequentially.  I think I've spent significant time in the denial stage.  You see, it's hard for me to be sure, and accept, that my loved one with BPD has truly succumbed to mental illness.  She seems to be moderately functional, in that she can pull herself together when she wants something, and she does OK when she sticks to her medications and therapy.  But when stress mounts, she easily crumbles and self-sabotages.  She's extremely tied to her victim identity, which is self-defeating and destructive to important relationships.  When she doesn't get her way, she will typically lash out--it's just that she changes targets with the changing of the seasons.  When she self-sabotages in a major way, I typically feel anger, mostly anger because she's given up on herself.  Then I'll often feel depression, losing hope for her ability to live a healthy, independent life, and knowing that she'll forever unleash her unrepressed anger our way, which fractures my marriage and family life.  Then there will be some bargaining--this is mostly from her dad--who believes if he just sets her up in the perfect apartment, with plenty of spending money, and yet another semester of tuition, she'll finish college and find a way to carve out an adult's life for herself.  Then there's acceptance, which is probably the hardest stage.  There was a period where my husband and I agreed--he has a special-needs child.  Just saying those words felt like flipping a switch, like he suddenly had a mission and knew what to do.  He had to cut out his hobbies, cut back his spending, cancel his vacations and focus on getting his kid help.  He kept his boss apprised of the situation, so that he could take extra time off to devote his energies to his daughter and helping her get the professional care that she needed.  But does accepting that a child has special needs mean that we have to sacrifice our own lives and happiness?  What if she resists treatment?  What if, no matter what we do in the name of helping (for example by paying for therapy, rent, utilities, car, food, insurance, tuition and spending money for a full-grown woman), she hates us for it?  By trying to help, are we making things worse?  What kind of acceptance is that?  Do we just accept that the happy girl we once knew is gone forever, even though she's alive?  By acceptance, aren't WE also the ones who are giving up on her?  By acceptance, do we validate the repeated stories of child abuse that she conjures up as excuses for her giving up on herself today?  It seems so confusing indeed.

Sometimes I've thought about the Serenity prayer, the one that goes, Please grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference.  I confess that with BPD behaviors, it can be tough to find serenity, courage and wisdom.  It all seems so complex, confusing, tenuous and circular.

[BPDstinks]

I appreciate your powerful words....I think i am still in bargaining (what can I do to make you TALK to me) and denial (thinking pw BPD will just switch back "on" as far as our relationship (I add obsession, because EVERY day I think of the past....I often see the "mourning someone still alive" and that is what it feels like...I miss my pw BPD but I do NOT miss how she treated me (the fear of a mood change ANY minute)

[Ourworld]

Hi Confused,
I understand your pain. Out of the blue, my married, accomplished, and highly intelligent daughter told me at age 27 that she would no longer communicate with me and would block all channels of communication.
For a few years I saw her at family get-togethers, although we never talked at all. But a few times at first she actually allowed me to hug her, but of course she did not hug me back. Now, if see her, she barely even looks at me.

I feel that my daughter, who is now 39, did this and began blaming me for her wrong choices because she was embarrassed by the downward spiral her life took. Her father deserted her at age 11, but she protected me instead of talking about how she really felt. I did not even tell he passed away 3 years later because I did not think she cared. I do not know your situation but fathers are very important to children and mothers are their nurturers-which I believe is why BPD kids use their mothers for their scapegoats.

So, now it’s been 12 years of complete silence and total estrangement.
I’m not gonna lie, it still hurts, but I just pray and know that God does not cause pain. He knows how much this hurts and troubles me; I find that staying busy either doing things around the house, reading, and volunteering helps.
I have also found that singing to Contemporary Christian Videos helps keep my focus where it should be and brings me peace.

At first there were thoughts that went over and over in my mind about what could have caused her to leave because I had not even thought of any type of mental disorder. After several years I finally came to the conclusion that the awful things that happened to her when she went away to college must be the cause (although I really did not understand).

Then last year she left her husband, and when we began talking and he told me her memories and beliefs, I began researching, which is when I found that she was spot on BPD. For some reason he gave me her current email address and I sent her some information, well miraculously she wrote me back. The email was very cruel as she told me that I was the cause of all her problems and I needed help, but I just thought about the fact that she cared enough to write to me, and it was even a fairly long well-written email.

I am now blocked. I listen to my SIL’s rampages about her, but it doesn’t usually hurt me anymore, I just methodically look up and share information with him to help him understand her emotional dysregulation. He has been diagnosed with schizoaffective disorder and began having hallucinations in 2019, they married in 2011.

I share this with you because there are so many things that affect her emotions, and BPD is primarily an emotional roller-coaster, I don’t think it takes much for them to have uncontrollable feelings and beliefs.

This is something I found:
When people with BPD push others away, it doesn't necessarily indicate a lack of care or affection. Instead, it often signifies their struggle with intense emotions and fear of being left alone. It's an emotional defense mechanism triggered by their perceived threat of abandonment, even if it isn't real.

It will get better, remember the 3 C’s-you didn’t Cause it, you can’t Control it, and you certainly can’t Cure it.

Live your own life the best you can, believe you did the best you could, and pray for strength and peace.

Hugs, OurWorld