How do you help a life-severed daughter when the other parent dies???

[Arella]

She’s going to need some help, right? I’m the villain of her story, not in reality, but, I think you here get that. Her whole life I was her rock til I too was cut away. So now what?
My late 20’s daughter, the only child of my ex and I, learned a day ago that her father suddenly died. I also learned, in addition, that his mother passed just this spring. 2 major deaths in 6 months. That’s a lot for anyone but for her… Maybe it’s the parent in me that never quits worrying even when you’ve been cut away but that’s what’s led me here to you all and this forum. Helpful to know I’m really not alone on this particular life road. Wondering if anyone has been in this situation though? A benign condolence from me through another family member was met with seething venom. Is there an anger disabling way to communicate ?? Thanks in advance for any similar stories.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Sancho]

Hi Arella
You don't mention whether DD had kept a relationship with her father and grandmother over the years?

You do have your 'mother's hat' on I think - and more than that - an ability to understand how a death can impact on another. It is the usual thing - what support can I give; how can I let her know that I am there for her if the going is tough. You have been the rock, the one there for her during what I can only imagine have been really, really tough times.

But all this usual way of thinking and feeling go out the window when BPD is involved. I think you have done the perfect thing in these circumstances. You have found a way to tell DD that you are thinking of her etc - and the rage response is both predictable and sad.

Personally I don't think there is much else you can do. It will be interesting to see how things pan out in the next few years. DD will be entering her 30s - the decade when BPD symptoms can lessen - and, if her dad was a support for her, she will be without that in her life. You don't mention what other people there are in her life - partner for example.

The loss of a parent through death is a great experience of loss. So is the experience of loss that we have when a loved child cuts us out of their life. Be kind to yourself as you have to cope with the huge gap that is in your life these days.

[Notwendy]

I don't have a similar experience but my BPD mother's behavior escalated during the time my father was ill. Her behavior towards me was cruel and hurtful. One could say- she herself was stressed and feeling hurt- and so projected that on to others.

I don't know if your D had a relationship with her father or not. If she was attached to her father, this is a big loss for her. She's feeling hurt and she is possibly projecting it on to you.

On your part, it is difficult to be "painted black" and blamed when it isn't your fault. My BPD mother has done this with me as well. For me, the Karmpan triangle dynamics helped me to understand this better.

I agree with Sancho that you did the right thing- express condolences to her. How she feels or reacts is not something you can control. You didn't cause her reaction. She has the choice of how to respond. As to your question- is there an anger disabling way to respond? No, because we can't control how someone else feels.

On your part- you have the choice of how to respond. Responding emotionally, from a hurt place, may actually add to the drama between the two of you. Right now, your D is probably very upset over the loss. If she's not responsive to communications, let it be for now.

It's important for you to do self care at these times.