BPD Trauma Memories

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I had quite a different experience to many people on here - although we did only last about a year (six months together, six months of push/pull after the break up).

She told me she'd 'beat the sh*t' out of me once, but was calm when she said it.

She raged once by driving me off in her car in the middle of the night, to a blacked out street I didn't recognise where she yelled at me a lot (that one was pretty scary).

Otherwise, she did do the "big pupils" thing, but it was more of a zombie like dissociation, where she just sorta stopped caring.

She completely pushed me away, said hurtful things... and didn't even seem to particularly know she was doing it... she was just 'gone'.

That really hurt too.

My therapist has pointed out that she also never briefed me on any of that.

If she'd said "I sometimes struggle with x, y and z; here's how you know it's happening, here's what you can do to help", it wouldn't probably felt different.

As it was, it's like she either didn't know that she behaved in that way, or that she was kinda choosing to not know...

[SnailShell]

I had quite a different experience to many people on here - although we did only last about a year (six months together, six months of push/pull after the break up).

She told me she'd 'beat the sh*t' out of me once, but was calm when she said it.

She raged once by driving me off in her car in the middle of the night, to a blacked out street I didn't recognise where she yelled at me a lot (that one was pretty scary).

Otherwise, she did do the "big pupils" thing, but it was more of a zombie like dissociation, where she just sorta stopped caring.

She completely pushed me away, said hurtful things... and didn't even seem to particularly know she was doing it... she was just 'gone'.

That really hurt too.

My therapist has pointed out that she also never briefed me on any of that.

If she'd said "I sometimes struggle with x, y and z; here's how you know it's happening, here's what you can do to help", it wouldn't probably felt different.

As it was, it's like she either didn't know that she behaved in that way, or that she was kinda choosing to not know...

[2much4me]

Are false memories part of BPD?  Wondering if the person with BPD actually believes what they say is just one all-consuming and frustrating aspect of loving someone with the disorder. Hard to say. Our 19 year old daughter has many delusions. everything from psychiatrist-led pedophile rings, rape demons, special powers and allegations of sexual abuse by both friends and family members.  Given the nature of her delusions, we thought maybe something did happen to her, but sorting out anything resembling truth is virtually impossible at this point until she accepts help.  Does she believe these stories it or is she lying to protect her status as a victim?  Evidence points to the fact she knows on some level what she's doing- accusations always seem to follow someone challenging her or setting boundaries on her behavior, plus she refuses to get help of any kind or to press charges despite strongly encouraging her to do so, she even refused to go to housing for women who were sexually abused when she was facing possible homelessness. In other words, she actively avoids/almost panics at the suggestion of help or to even talk about the topic of her "abuse". My BFF has worked with sexual assault victims > 20 yrs and said she in NO WAY acts like a victim.  Also, she has slipped up with language a couple of times, accusing me of "not believing her" for things she says I witnessed?   Regardless, these lies/beliefs have resulted in terrible consequences for her and our family. Our therapist says "belief" does not work the same as it does for a non-BPD mind, she can concoct a story for psychological "protection" and come to believe it as long as it serves her.  They need professional help to help them tolerate the pain of reality as others also experience it and possible antipsychotics to assist in that effort.  (Oh, BTW, chronic marijuana use seems to have triggered/reinforced the psychotic component for her.)  its a sad illness for the person who has it and anyone who loves them.

[thankful person]

My dbpdw has extremely disturbing stories of the abuse she suffered in childhood. Much of what she told me when we were first getting to know each other (online) she has somewhat admitted was false, and she has never explained why she lied. When I moved half way round the world to be with her, it became evident that some of her stories didn’t add up and I couldn’t make sense of it. But. I have witnessed her have ptsd nightmares, every night for months on end when we first met. She was absolutely terrified, writhing on the bed in pain and terror, gripping the bed sheets, repeating things like, “Don’t let him in” and “Ill be a good girl” “please don’t hurt me” over and over and over. I have no doubt she was raped. But my wife now questions her own memories of exactly what happened to her which was her uncle and all his friends raping her together. It sounds far fetched but she used to talk to me in the nightmares and listed many names of men who had hurt her. It all came to a head on the most disturbing night ever. “Dan… He can’t have been there… He wouldn’t have been there… He wasn’t…” I kept questioning her, “who’s Dan?” Eventually, I realised that she very clearly was needing to tell me that it was actually “Dad” who was there. I don’t know if these ptsd nightmares when people talk to others are in any way common. I couldn’t wake her from them, they would go on for hours, I would try to comfort her. The day after she told me about Dad being there, I asked her if she remembered the nightmare. She did not remember all the details. I told her what she had said about Dad. She had previously told me he abused her, but not that he was at the rape events her uncle organised. It seemed like a culmination of all the nightmares, which she had been having for around eight months we had been together. Since then she still has occasional nightmares but they have never been so graphic and physical since then. I don’t know what all this means but I would really like to know. These memories are very disturbing. If I’m totally honest, if I hadn’t seen the nightmares I would struggle to believe some of what she told me. But it has been suggested to me (on this forum) that maybe some of it was true like she was raped on several occasions, but maybe some of it her tortured mind created in childhood. She doesn’t know herself. Many of her childhood memories are missing. I still feel so very sad for her.

[SnailShell]

These responses (the above two) are both really helpful - thank you.

They touch on the exact types of things that I wondered about.

I won’t share too much about the trauma memories of my ex partner, because they’re quite specific and I want to speak delicately; but what she shared with me was… kind of… I mean.. it took a few months to recover from hearing it, for sure.

And yet… what she was describing… it involved streaming technology which was available in the mid nineties probably, but not widespread or ‘in general use’.

The setting for that streaming seems… not easy to do… and even just… those things taking place in a setting where you’d be easily discovered if someone walked in the wrong door…

I don’t know.

I don’t have to know either, I suppose; and I want to honour the fact that - regardless of the truth - she’s suffering, and that’d be horrible for absolutely anyone.

She also spoke about demons by the way, but I think that may have had something to do with what someone from a very charismatic faith group once said to her.

I suppose I just created this post because it’s part of me trying to piece together ‘who the heck was I sitting next to on the sofa for a number of months; and was she sitting in cloud of delusion more broadly, which I just had no idea about?’

I find that thought scary… like… I could have married her, never suspecting (if I wasn’t asking questions) that her reality was actually far removed from mine… and bringing children into that as well…

I’m not commenting on anyone else’s situation here - I’m just reflecting on my own and thinking

“Phew… that could’ve been a real near-miss!”

It’d be nice to know what I had a near miss from, and which ‘box’ to put it in (ie - knowing whether much of her memory was delusion or not would add to my sense of having a clear picture about the situation more generally), but I guess I’m becoming more peaceful with the ‘not knowing’.

[SnailShell]

Oh, and I will just say that even some of her present thinking seemed a bit delusional - like when she told me that “I know we’d have found each other some day, if we didn’t meet online!”

Because I had a t shirt with her favourite animal on, and ‘she’d always had a thing for people who do the work that I do’.

Lots of times she’d say a sentence out of the blue and I’d think “Oh!… that came from nowhere and seems a bit random/removed from reality… is this coming from a healthy place now, or are we back in BPD land…?”

It could shift in and out within a second or two…

[PeteWitsend]

Telling traumatic stories to your partner that may be entirely made up, or at best heavily embellished is bad enough.  Those of us in that situation at least have an idea of who we are, and adult concepts of reality to fall back on.  But imagine them doing & saying these kinds of things to their children, who have no experience and reference to fall back on.  It really warps their world. 

Some figure it out eventually... I imagine many don't.

[SnailShell]

Yeah, that's a good perspective.

I'm back in her home city now, and it's still a bit heartbreaking, but I just don't see how I could risk marrying and having kids with that girl.

In some ways she didn't seem as bad as some of the stories here, but it was bad enough - and she always said things like "There are things I'd tell you, but I'll only say once we're married."

Who knows what that was?

It's tempting to buy into a pretty face and a good heart... and if you saw her... she was maybe the prettiest girl I'd seen in a while.

But you can't put a price on peace of mind, yknow?

[PeteWitsend]

Yeah, that's a good perspective.

I'm back in her home city now, and it's still a bit heartbreaking, but I just don't see how I could risk marrying and having kids with that girl.

In some ways she didn't seem as bad as some of the stories here, but it was bad enough - and she always said things like "There are things I'd tell you, but I'll only say once we're married."

Who knows what that was?

Your story, and some of the others made up here make me wonder if they intentionally create traumatic stories because they like the attention and concern it gets them. 

They share something, and get hugged and reassured they're a wonderful person and nothing was their fault. 

So... they do it again and again, or trot out new traumatic memories when you're made at them because of something they did.  "It's not my fault!  I was abused as a child.  Frankly, I'm disappointed in you not being more understanding, and bla bla bla."

It's tempting to buy into a pretty face and a good heart... and if you saw her... she was maybe the prettiest girl I'd seen in a while.

But you can't put a price on peace of mind, yknow?

I went through a similar reckoning, and unfortunately didn't realize that when choosing a mate, attractiveness needs to be "de-weighted" when evaluating whether they're marriage material or not.  Things you might overlook when dating should become a much bigger deal.  And they look a lot less attractive when dysregulating and raging over some absurd thing that set them off...

There's an interesting link between mental illness and perceived attractiveness (https://www.mdpi.com/2076-328X/14/5/406). 

[ForeverDad]

I just don't see how I could risk marrying and having kids with that girl.

In some ways she didn't seem as bad as some of the stories here, but it was bad enough - and she always said things like "There are things I'd tell you, but I'll only say once we're married."

What is the difference between being single versus being married?
What is the difference between not having children versus having children?

Here's a clue... BPD F.O.G. = Fear, Obligation, Guilt

If you get married or start having children together, you will feel much more obligated than before to remain with her.  She knows or senses that.

[SnailShell]

Your story, and some of the others made up here make me wonder if they intentionally create traumatic stories because they like the attention and concern it gets them. 

They share something, and get hugged and reassured they're a wonderful person and nothing was their fault. 

So... they do it again and again, or trot out new traumatic memories when you're made at them because of something they did.  "It's not my fault!  I was abused as a child.  Frankly, I'm disappointed in you not being more understanding, and bla bla bla."
I went through a similar reckoning, and unfortunately didn't realize that when choosing a mate, attractiveness needs to be "de-weighted" when evaluating whether they're marriage material or not.  Things you might overlook when dating should become a much bigger deal.  And they look a lot less attractive when dysregulating and raging over some absurd thing that set them off...

There's an interesting link between mental illness and perceived attractiveness (https://www.mdpi.com/2076-328X/14/5/406). 

Yeah, my ex badmouthing all sorts of people for not understanding enough - rather than asking herself if she needed to change.

That's a bit unfair actually, she was in regular therapy etc... but she even joked that she paid her therapist to agree with her - and many a true word spoken in jest, as they say...!

It's as if she wanted to change, but couldn't enact it somehow...

Did I misunderstand your post, or did you end up married to your ex partner?

[SnailShell]

What is the difference between being single versus being married?
What is the difference between not having children versus having children?

Here's a clue... BPD F.O.G. = Fear, Obligation, Guilt

If you get married or start having children together, you will feel much more obligated than before to remain with her.  She knows or senses that.

Yeah, I think you're right. I used to think she just really wanted to be married, but I think fear of abandonment maybe underlied it.

A month or two after me, she was with another guy who called me and threatened me (she didn't tell me they were together).

Four months later, they were engaged.

I think engagement was the goal for her - and then marriage.

I think she wants to be the absolute most important thing in someone's life, and have someone who will always always always care just for her, etc etc

[ForeverDad]

I think engagement was the goal for her - and then marriage.

I think she wants to be the absolute most important thing in someone's life, and have someone who will always always always care just for her, etc etc

But all too soon the initial idolization phase would wear off and then slowly but surely the imperfections and recurring discord would surface.  It would be more and more apparent as time went on but by then she would hope to be married, maybe a baby too, and then the target would find it hard to discern what had happened.

As a general overview, we can't fix things, we're too close, being in the midst of a close emotional relationship.  BPD is a disorder most impacting to the closest of relationships.  The Denial, Blaming and Blame Shifting are so intense.  However, someone with no emotional connections - such as a therapist - might be able to impart meaningful therapy for the person's perceptions and life.  But that's a tough road ahead and it appears many don't take that path toward recovery.