She unblocked me right after I bumped into her

[ConfusedPolish]

Hi everyone,
My(31m) gf (29f) broke up with me 2 months ago and I was devastated. Completely. It was the lowest of lows in my life. She was distant, cold and sure we won’t be able to create a healthy relationship. I was blocked on instagram.


Two weeks ago I asked her to get her belongings from my house. She came. We did small talk for 5 minutes. She was polite but distant as if she wore some kind of armor of political correctness.
Conversation turned very awkward for her. I told her I still loved her and want to be together and that I didn’t want to stay friends because it would be too hard for me. I would never be able to see her as a friend. The reason why she thought we couldn’t be together was “I can’t give you anything anymore. I am completely burnt out.”

I told her that she idealized me so much at the beginning and that’s why she feels burnt out. She took it hard. I wanted to continue the conversation and didn’t want to let her go. She felt very awkward.
When she was walking out she told me “I am seeing someone” and left. I don’t know if it’s true. I don’t know anything about her life now.

After that she unfriended me on Facebook, blocked me both on fb and messenger. She only left WhatsApp, but perhaps because she didn’t think to look there.

Fast forward to today. I bumped into her in subway(metro). She was coming back from her therapy session. I was looking at her with my legs shaking and waited for my stop. Before I left the train I said “hey” and smiled at her and walked out.
After a while I noticed I was unblocked everywhere but she sent no requests. I don’t know what to make of it.

It’s pretty obvious from this post that I want her back.

Does this unblocking mean something? My profiles are public but I don’t share anything on Facebook at all. I use it only for messages. It was the primary channel of communication for us.

Is it charming? Attempted charming?
Or maybe she is indeed successfully dating and now feels safe to unblock me?

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

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[once removed]

Does this unblocking mean something? My profiles are public but I don’t share anything on Facebook at all. I use it only for messages. It was the primary channel of communication for us.

Is it charming? Attempted charming?
Or maybe she is indeed successfully dating and now feels safe to unblock me?

i think that what it probably means, is that some of the ice has thawed. i dont think you can, or should, read more into it than that.

to block someone is to put up a wall. sometimes after a breakup, one or both parties may feel that that wall is necessary in order to heal from the breakup. it acts as a crutch, that, while it might be necessary at first, becomes unnecessary as one heals. some people leave things that way, some dont. for example, im not much for blocking people, thats only ever been a last resort a few times in my life; on the other hand, ive been blocked by people ive never spoken to.

you ran into each other, exchanged "hey" and smiles. she probably doesnt feel that that wall is necessary anymore.

if you want her back, its certainly a positive sign, but not one i would read more into, or act on. too often, its easy to see an inch, take a mile, and push the other person back behind that wall.

[PeteWitsend]

...

I told her that she idealized me so much at the beginning and that’s why she feels burnt out. She took it hard. I wanted to continue the conversation and didn’t want to let her go. She felt very awkward.
When she was walking out she told me “I am seeing someone” and left. I don’t know if it’s true. I don’t know anything about her life now.
...

You THINK she idealized you so much at the beginning and that's why she's "burnt out."  You don't actually know this.  

It's important to check yourself sometimes and separate out what is objective and subjective here.  If you're posting on this board b/c you think she's a pwBPD, this is especially important to do, because it's all too easy to get manipulated by them when you're not living in reality and making excuses in your mind for their behavior.  

...
Fast forward to today. I bumped into her in subway(metro). She was coming back from her therapy session. I was looking at her with my legs shaking and waited for my stop. Before I left the train I said “hey” and smiled at her and walked out.
After a while I noticed I was unblocked everywhere but she sent no requests. I don’t know what to make of it.

It’s pretty obvious from this post that I want her back.

Does this unblocking mean something? My profiles are public but I don’t share anything on Facebook at all. I use it only for messages. It was the primary channel of communication for us.

Is it charming? Attempted charming?
Or maybe she is indeed successfully dating and now feels safe to unblock me?

Maybe it doesn't mean anything?  She told you how she feels pretty clearly; she broke it off and is dating someone else. 

Beyond that, it's impossible to know why she unblocked you; even if she tells you a reason, people with BPD are notoriously unreliable narrators.  

I'd advise you to start paying attention to material actions, and stop imagining reasons why she did something, or coming up with motives for her in your own head.  

Whatever you do, don't go into it daydreaming like this; keep your eyes open, ears listening, and don't let your mind make things up.  

[ConfusedPolish]

i think that what it probably means, is that some of the ice has thawed. i dont think you can, or should, read more into it than that.

to block someone is to put up a wall. sometimes after a breakup, one or both parties may feel that that wall is necessary in order to heal from the breakup. it acts as a crutch, that, while it might be necessary at first, becomes unnecessary as one heals. some people leave things that way, some dont. for example, im not much for blocking people, thats only ever been a last resort a few times in my life; on the other hand, ive been blocked by people ive never spoken to.

you ran into each other, exchanged "hey" and smiles. she probably doesnt feel that that wall is necessary anymore.

if you want her back, its certainly a positive sign, but not one i would read more into, or act on. too often, its easy to see an inch, take a mile, and push the other person back behind that wall.

Thank you for the reply.
It’s hard to accept but as far as I understood you it means that I shouldn’t act on it at all.
It’s been two days since bumping into each other and if she wanted to reach out she would do it by now.
Because I see an inch I want to take exactly an inch instead of a mile.
Do you think there is a way to do it cautiously?

[ConfusedPolish]

You THINK she idealized you so much at the beginning and that's why she's "burnt out."  You don't actually know this.  

It's important to check yourself sometimes and separate out what is objective and subjective here.  If you're posting on this board b/c you think she's a pwBPD, this is especially important to do, because it's all too easy to get manipulated by them when you're not living in reality and making excuses in your mind for their behavior.  

Maybe it doesn't mean anything?  She told you how she feels pretty clearly; she broke it off and is dating someone else. 

Beyond that, it's impossible to know why she unblocked you; even if she tells you a reason, people with BPD are notoriously unreliable narrators.  

I'd advise you to start paying attention to material actions, and stop imagining reasons why she did something, or coming up with motives for her in your own head.  

Whatever you do, don't go into it daydreaming like this; keep your eyes open, ears listening, and don't let your mind make things up.  

She told me she was burnt out a day after I offered her the world. Moving in together, planning our life etc. It felt to me like it was an anxiety response. But again it’s me reading into something that probably isn’t true.

It’s hard to pay attention to hard facts when nothing is happening between us apart from this one meeting when she collected her things and we had this awkward encounter I described in the post.

I only know that she unblocked me immediately after she saw me on the train. Timing is too hard to dismiss for me. But I also realize that my mind is hyperactive now…

I guess deep down I know that nothing will happen and she will not reach out by herself. Hope remains tho…

[once removed]

It’s been two days since bumping into each other and if she wanted to reach out she would do it by now.
Because I see an inch I want to take exactly an inch instead of a mile. 

she isnt in the same place that you are.

youre experiencing far more urgency right now; its just the way things are.

the fact that she hasnt reached out in two days doesnt mean she wont. it also doesnt mean she will. it means she doesnt have the same incentive or reason to do so that you do.

time is actually on your side, if you want to reconnect. time allows the ice to thaw. for the bad experiences to fade, and the good ones to stick. for you to be in a stronger place.

taking the inch, in this case, means seeing it for what it is: a positive sign, that may or may not turn into more. it also means that if it doesnt, there may be more room down the road for you to reach out, and have it be positively received.

[ConfusedPolish]

Thanks for replying Removed,

I am wondering about her memories sticking. Isn’t it hard to for her to keep object constancy?

Also when we were together she emphasized a few times that she doesn’t come back to her exes. When I came back after the first brief breakup I thought that she may feel differently this time. I was told repeatedly that I was the only partner she had that accepted her, wasn’t judgemental, inspired her and made her feel so intimate etc.
In the end she told me she never made a decision to give us a second chance.
I just doubt she will come back even though it kind of makes me feel better that you said she might in the future

[once removed]

I am wondering about her memories sticking. Isn’t it hard to for her to keep object constancy?

this is a little bit of a myth.

people with bpd struggle with object permanence (and object constancy; two different things). it doesnt mean they forget who you are or their time with you.

people in general form an overall impression of a past relationship. thats subject to change, and looks different for everyone, but the acute bad feelings in the aftermath of a breakup, for most people, tend to fade, and its evident that they have for her.

I just doubt she will come back

realistically, the odds of parlaying this into reconciling a romantic relationship are low. not impossible, but low.

the way you make it happen, or try, is by playing the cards youve been dealt, and by playing the long game.

you dont have a lot of cards (moves to make) right now. if you go out of your way to communicate with her right now, theres a high likelihood youd be blocked again.

it doesnt seem like shes likely to reach out, although, given some time, she might. if she does, youve been dealt a good hand.

since you dont really have any connection to her, theres not much way to put yourself in front of her to attract her. if you happen to bump into her at the metro again, thats probably gonna go better than messaging her or something like that would go.

i think what i would do, if neither of those two things pan out, is give it a month, or two, or three, and maybe send a social media friend request. that will pretty much tell you everything you need to know. it will tell you whether the ice has thawed. it will tell you if shes seeing anyone. it will give you an opportunity to catch up. that could turn into meeting up. it could, instead, tell you that she is just the type that prefers to leave relationships in the past, and im afraid theres nothing anyone can do to change that.

any other options you see?

[ConfusedPolish]

Thank you for your time Removed.

Right now she ended the relationship thinking “we couldn’t create happy relationship for a year, it was suffering from the beginning, I cried multiple times in the night because of you. We triggered each other.”

It’s very strong opinion which of course I think is false and a result of devaluation. I suspect it’s that way because I was the one who broke up with her and she couldn’t let go of the betrayal and anger. Final result was she dumped me after a month. I need to say that at the beginning she was very receptive and caring. We called each other every day, spent a lot time, sex and intimacy was there. All was right. But I was anxious that it’s not gonna last because she didn’t want to have the discussion even though I was very clear I made my decision to stay and build the r/s. Her reaction was “you are constantly over analyzing”. Yes I was. I didn’t know what I was standing on.


I need to play the long game. I cannot reach out as you say.

I am worried about sending her a request out of the blue without texting or talking to her first. I told her I couldn’t be friends with her so she will probably interpret it as an attempt to reconcile and restart the relationship. And it would probably desperate in her eyes.

I can arrange “accidental” bumping into her in the future. My first concern is she will suspect something. And second is metro is not the best place to talk. It would probably be just another “hey” and smile.
What else could I do?

[ConfusedPolish]

I don’t know how to edit posts but I have one more thing to add.

When she told me she was seeing someone I told her:
“Don’t idealize you new partner. It’s going to be too hard for you and the guy. It will end with you feeling burnt out”

Her answer: “that’s why I’m in therapy.”
I know it touched her deeply.

I know that me saying that was a mistake. Honestly that whole conversation was a mistake and left bad blood between us. It was probably another nail in the coffin.

[once removed]

It’s very strong opinion which of course I think is false and a result of devaluation. I suspect it’s that way because I was the one who broke up with her and she couldn’t let go of the betrayal and anger. Final result was she dumped me after a month. I need to say that at the beginning she was very receptive and caring. We called each other every day, spent a lot time, sex and intimacy was there. All was right. But I was anxious that it’s not gonna last because she didn’t want to have the discussion even though I was very clear I made my decision to stay and build the r/s. Her reaction was “you are constantly over analyzing”. Yes I was. I didn’t know what I was standing on.

if what she expressed to you doesnt match your experience, remember, two people in a relationship breaking down are increasingly on different pages. it also may be a snapshot in time, especially during a breakup when feelings are at their most heightened.

it sounds like its fair to say the breakup was hard for the two of you to get past. you both tried, at first, but there was a huge breakdown of trust, and a lot of apprehension. it didnt work. the ending definitely stung.

thats important to see on two levels. the first is that you have to understand how things broke down, if theyre going to be repaired. the second is to understand the obstacles before you, in terms of trying to reconcile. breakups are baggage. theres a window (that varies) where it becomes emotionally simpler to move on. in other words, there has to be a strong incentive to return to the relationship. the prospect of a new one has to look a lot better than the last.

I am worried about sending her a request out of the blue without texting or talking to her first. I told her I couldn’t be friends with her so she will probably interpret it as an attempt to reconcile and restart the relationship. And it would probably desperate in her eyes.

good thinking.

the "i cant be friends with you" does paint you in a corner, especially if you mean it. i think pursuing a romantic relationship with her is going to require some degree of "befriending" her; i understand you dont want to be "just a friend". its probably going to require first establishing some tangible connection, however small, and growing it over time.

the risk, of course, is that it wont grow over time. the two of you wont become besties, and im sure you dont want to be. so if having a loose connection with her, absent a romantic relationship with her, is something you arent prepared or dont want to do, weigh that.

i certainly wouldnt send a request any time soon; id give it 1-3 months, which is a reasonable amount of time after a breakup. but if doing it out of the blue in the context of your relationship with her doesnt feel right, dont. you could always send a "catch up" text, and maybe move to reconnecting on social media if the signals are good.

[/quote]
I can arrange “accidental” bumping into her in the future. My first concern is she will suspect something. And second is metro is not the best place to talk. It would probably be just another “hey” and smile.
[/quote]

yeah, you dont want to happen to start suddenly popping up, especially if you havent before. i was thinking more along the lines that if you bumped into each other once, the odds are reasonable that it may happen again, and you can work with that. worst case, you were running a little slow one day when you ran into her   3 months from now, even if she sees right through it, theres a chance it would look more charming than creepy 

dont underestimate a hey and a smile. those are ice thawers. long game. baby steps.

the reason i mention social media is that since you dont see or talk to her regularly, its the best (only?) way to put yourself in front of her to attract her.

but absent something happening organically (either it will just happen, or you will know when you think of it), i would wait a pretty good chunk of time before doing anything directly, because time is really on your side here. the odds (whatever they are) of reconciling your relationship will not have reduced one iota a few months from now, especially if shes in a relationship. if anything, they may have improved with more ice thawing and changing circumstances. your own outlook may change. but time (im not talking years here), and what you do with it right now, can only help. invest in that time; make it count. dive deep into the relationship skills in the lessons here, and apply them to what went wrong in your relationship. use the time to practice them; 2-3 months is a lot of time to get really good! and when/if that times comes, youll be ready, and it will show.

[ConfusedPolish]

Right now I can’t do anything and it sucks.
I am in therapy twice a week and am working hard to process this emotional baggage.

You  are right that becoming friends must happen if I want to get her back. I clearly see that I sabotaged this process when we last met. But how establish friendship again without pressure if I want us to be together in the end. Looks like paradox to me   

3 months, as you said, is a quite a long time and many things can happen. She can be very both very insecure and proud and to be honest I think she will hold a grudge for a long time.

Another thing is she probably lost respect for me which is something very hard to come back from.
To make it work she would need to reflect on the past which she doesn’t normally do.
Maybe she will eventually given she is in therapy now. I suggested it for months and gently pushed her into this direction. I feel good about the fact she still has sessions and I could help her this way.
Second she would have to somehow bypass her ego to even consider changing her opinion about me and relationship. She can be very creative to avoid loneliness especially if she pursues another guy. But I know that the emptiness very often catches her nevertheless.

Thinking about her being in a relationship with someone hurt badly. She wants to have the same elation again and will probably do all the idealization she can to prove to herself she can be happy with the next guy.
She has MS (I wrote our story in my first post on this forum) and I know that a lot of guys will just be with her for sex and then chicken out. My angry side wants that to happen so that she will come back to me. It’s not a pretty thought but I am aware of it.

Removed, your thought process, helped me see that this situation is extremely delicate and almost impossible to resolve. If someone told me this story I would tell them to back off and move on. But it’s not that simple. I was dumped when I was totally sure we will build our lives tougher. I fell from very high horse in my mind.
I am also wondering how my outlook is going to change during next few months.

[Outdorenthusiast]

I am feeling as a non therapeutic peer the need to be real here so forgive the bluntness in advance…

Feelings are complicated, and no relationship is the same.  BPD is super complicated, and makes relationships insanely difficult and horribly painful.  Add MS and you will have a combination of difficulty that you can’t even imagine over the next 50 years.  Be healthy - separate your feelings from logic here and think about what you want and the consequences.  You can’t fix her or rescue her or “love it away.”  Read up on limerance vs love.  Knowing what you know now - will she truly give you the continuous stable security, love, sex, safety, and acceptance you need?  Or was it just good intense sex and the dopamine/oxytocin feelings she gave you were like nothing you have felt before?  Work this through with your therapist. 

Now - If you want her after all that discernment - own it.  Ruminating in anxiety with a ton of what ifs isn’t healthy for you.  There is some element of basic women’s and mens brains here that could be at work which has nothing to do with BPD.  Generically speaking - Women like to be pursued and not discarded - it makes them feel valuable.  So - if you feel you made a mistake in dropping the friendship - own it. Reach out to be a friend.  Pursue and see where it goes.  Waiting for her won’t work.  There is no right or wrong way to reach out.  If she says “no thanks” - you have your answer - grieve, talk with friends/therapist and join a gym for healthy hormones.  If she says “I would like to hang out” - take it slow, but also be flirtatious like in the beginning - build non sexual connection with her brain and her feelings.  Be a good listener.  Don’t label, judge, accuse, or fix - just accept.  Be happy, joke, and don’t whine about the past.  Don’t be stalker cringy and flood her with all your feelings.  Own your hurt feelings and the mistakes you made to her and how you hurt her feelings if it comes up - love is messy and imperfect.  Someone who loves you - will accept your imperfections and mistakes.  However - if something feels “off” on what you need to feel safe emotionally for the next 50 years - listen to your gut and be true to your own feelings and needs.

Don’t live in the land of “what ifs” - too painful.  People make mistakes - own yours and fix them.  If you feel it is good and healthy for you to have the next 50 years with her - build your plan to do something - reach out as a friend.  Pursue.  Flirt to see if the vibe is reciprocal.  Accept reality with a clear consciousness if it epically fails and know that you don’t need to live in the land of what ifs anymore.  Don’t fear failure.  You will have your truth either way.  Half the world is women - and there are millions out there looking for a good man.  If she is that woman - do something.  If she isn’t - it is ok.  Someone else wants you, and have confidence in yourself to find her.  But remember- men are the hunters, if we give up hunting before we catch something - we will starve.  Don’t be afraid to fail.  Not every hunt is successful.  But hunting will keep you fed and your needs met.

[ConfusedPolish]

Thank you Outdorenthusiast,
To be honest I didn’t expect this kind of reply.

About her MS and breach of trust. I thought about it after I ended things in June. I talked about it with therapist. I made my decision about sticking to her despite her diagnosis.

Your reply made me seriously think about reaching out to her to offer my friendship. Right now I am thinking if it’s not too early or too late to tell her I changed my mind about the whole thing.
I was rejected by her twice or even three times now and now I am trying to reach out to be a friend.
I am afraid she will see through it and consider it to be a manipulation. And of course there is potentially another rejection incoming.

In her eyes I am already desperate and now offering friendship 2 month after breakup and 2 weeks after telling her I can’t be friend because I still love her is going to make her 100% sure I am not worth it. I am afraid of that.
The reason I wanted to wait it out was to make bad impression fade away. But now, after I read your reply, I seriously want to reach out.

I don’t even know how to reach out without looking like a beggar. Even if I tell her I don’t want to live in “what-if” land and that she is important to me as a friend it will received as a last ditch effort to cling to her. And that I have some hidden agenda.

Thanks again for you insight

[ConfusedPolish]

I have been thinking all day about no contact today.
There is more and more doubt in my mind that no contact with someone with bpd can backfire. Don’t they fear abandonment above all?
On the other hand I was discarded and it was a signal for me to disappear from her life.
It’s very hard to weigh those two sides.

I want to send her a message that I am sorry about how our last conversation went. I didn’t want to put her in this awkward position at all.
Maybe it’s even a good opportunity to back down from “not being friends”

I thank you guys for great advice so far, but I would love to hear your take on this.

[once removed]

I have been thinking all day about no contact today.
There is more and more doubt in my mind that no contact with someone with bpd can backfire. Don’t they fear abandonment above all?
On the other hand I was discarded and it was a signal for me to disappear from her life.
It’s very hard to weigh those two sides.

you dont need a bpd lens to explain these things; it may even complicate matters more. bpd can tell you that shes the kind of person who may take longer for the ice to thaw after a breakup, that shes sensitive to perceived slights; that kind of thing. important to keep in mind, but dont lose sight of the fact that shes just a person and prone to the same human natures that we all are.

you dont have "no contact" - no contact is just taking space after a breakup. the two of you are broken up, on a "smile and wave" basis with each other. at this time, you want more than that.

the fear of abandonment does not work in a way that people with bpd sit around thinking "my ex hasnt contacted me, theyve abandoned me". and if it did? that would be pretty far out of your hands. think of the fear of abandonment more like a lifestyle, built around an extreme fear.

you werent discarded. you broke up with her. you tried again, but the trust wasnt there, it didnt work out, and she broke up with you. it got ugly.

the reason i say all this is that its important to understand not only what happened, but what is happening, where you are now, what, if anything, to do with it.

youre trying to reconcile a relationship that ended at least twice, and on a bad note the final time. youre not in touch with each other. short of you reaching out, you dont have much expectation of being. she may be in a relationship.

its like pole vaulting - a tall order. youve got to make the most of any opportunity you take. there is a very high risk (especially if shes in a relationship) that whatever you do will receive a "thanks, but no thanks". if shes bitter about the breakup at all, its still pretty high.

I want to send her a message that I am sorry about how our last conversation went. I didn’t want to put her in this awkward position at all.
Maybe it’s even a good opportunity to back down from “not being friends”

i think its a great idea. an apology is low risk, healing, says what you want to say, opens the door for more. you are in a post-breakup window (exchanged belongings, smiled and waved, unblocked) that it makes sense to send as a next move. id wait a little longer, myself until im sure; it cant hurt. id also craft what you want to say and get feedback on it.

[ConfusedPolish]

id also craft what you want to say and get feedback on it.

OR you are a champ!

I have a message written for a few days now. Its scope is beyond simple apology, but I can do a do-over.
Here is the message translated from Polish of course:

When I saw you in the metro, emotions that I had been trying to suppress were released. I saw you doomscrolling on your phone, and I felt a warmth inside that can’t be mistaken for anything else.

I’m sorry that our last meeting at my place went so poorly. I said things that I now regret. I didn’t mean to put you in such an awkward situation.

In order to move forward, I tried to hate you for the breakup, but I couldn’t. The truth is, I want to thank you for all the time we spent together and for all the wonderful memories. They are truly precious to me and will stay with me forever. I’m grateful that we could meet in life and share it together, even for that short moment.

I hope you don’t regret that time.

I still don’t fully understand what I’ve learned from this or how my life will change, but I know it will definitely help me grow.

Thank you for all the trust you gave me and for giving me the chance to get to know all of you. I know your light and dark sides, and because of that, it’s even harder for me to stop feeling your presence, even though you’re no longer beside me.

You were, and will always be, important to me. That makes it even more painful that, with the end of our relationship, I also lost a loving friend who knew everything about me. I regret what I said.

I hope you’re happy and that you experience everything in life that you want.

I wish you that with all my heart.

I never thought a would be a hopeless romantic…

[once removed]

its a great note 

its heartfelt and sincere. its all apology - its not about you or hashing or rehashing your feelings. it would feel good (if bittersweet) for anyone in her position to receive, and she is likely to respond in kind.

if i were to nitpick it to death, i might scratch the mention of a dark side. its probably harmless, and i think she'll know what you mean, but people can get hung up on a single line or two in a note like this if feelings are raw. the very first line could be a tad emotionally heavy, but not really - it fits the intimate tone of the note.

its a good card to play. i think youll feel good about it even in a worst case scenario.

[ConfusedPolish]

Thank you, I think so too.

Obviously I am very afraid to send it. I am not detached from the outcome.
I have doubts that the timing is not right( I know it will never be right). And if she is dating someone it’s going to be easy for her to just dismiss the message and turn around to the new guy.

I know these are my own insecurities and maybe codependency talking, but I can’t imagine other outcome than “thank you”,<silence> or “we shouldn’t be speaking right now”.
Is she the latter I don’t know how to react, it will be hard to just agree and walk away even if I feel like self respecting man should do.

[ConfusedPolish]

I send her a message. I took another approach.
I just said that I wanted to apologize for the way I behaved the last time we met. That I know I put her in very awkward situation and I regret what I said.

I sent it to her at 2AM because neither I nor her were sleeping.
She read it but didn’t reply.

I guess that is it. I doubt she will reach out. I know I won’t, the ball is in her court even more than it already was.

[once removed]

i know its scary to put yourself on the line like that. i dont think youll regret it, no matter what happens.

there is nothing to reject in an apology, except for the apology itself. you werent asking her to be your girlfriend. you werent asking her to be your friend. you told her you regretted what you said.

she gets to choose what to do with that, of course, and there are a whole range of possibilities. it might be too soon (not enough ice thawed, yet). she may just want to take some time with it, reflect, choose her words. she may be in a relationship and may feel its inappropriate or messy to respond. she may have an attitude that relationships that have ended are business she doesnt want to return to. she may be reading into it initially - thinks you might want to get back together.

it could be the sort of thing where youve planted a seed that may grow over a period of months. ive never had a relationship before, including the ones that ended horribly, where one of us didnt reach out down the road. why? because when the ice thaws after a breakup, most people want to be on good terms - to feel that theyre okay with you, and youre okay with them. im not telling you to put your life on hold for it, but its a distinct possibility.

but it isnt a guarantee. unfortunately, there arent any of those. more and more these days, it seems like people sweep past relationships under the rug, ignore apologies, etc. that may (or may not) be her way. for her to ignore it, i think would be an unkindness, and cowardly, but it doesnt much matter what i think.

at the end of the day, you have nothing to regret about sending it. if she cant, or doesnt want to acknowledge it, at least eventually, it does tell you what you were working with, and could have expected.

[ConfusedPolish]

I guess it’s over guys and girls.

It’s been 3 days with no reply after my short apology.
I am beginning to feel like I will never see her or talk to her.
Sending her another message, letter or anything else is 100% hopeless.
I will probably be a frequent reader of detaching board from now on.

If you have any last advice for me I will greatly appreciate it.

[once removed]

If you have any last advice for me I will greatly appreciate it.

dont just read. thats not going to be very useful.

lean on support. post to others going through what you are. it will not only help you to heal, it will, like a journal, reveal your healing. theres more work to be done. theres a reason i still come here 13 years after my relationship ended.

i know this hurts. i dont want to give you false hope or keep you hanging, but in my life ive seen a lot of similar circumstances. its really not uncommon for someone to sit on a reach out like that for a while...weeks, months, and eventually respond.

[ConfusedPolish]

Than you Once Removed,
I am doing a lot seriously. Therapy twice a week and I even took part twice in holotropic breathwork to release emotions. And I have a lot of them to release. I even go to men’s group twice a month. It’s unbelievable what I need to do to process this.

I just can’t comprehend how immature she is. Breakup over the phone, no contact whatsoever, ignored one message from me where I apologize.

I am disappointed with a woman who told me repeatedly over the year I was her whole world. The moment I told her I am ready(not that we must) take our relationship to the next level, which she wanted, she bailed.

I still have some sliver of hope. I will bump into her in a month or so and will try to start casual conversation. I am starting to behave as if I was bpd myself. It’s scary.
I know she won’t recycle. She won’t reach out because in her eyes I am probably the same piece of sht like her other exes. I didn’t deserve this.

Even though I shouldn’t I want to set up myself for a recycle. It’s disgusting.

[Caleb91]

Hi ConfusedPolish, I relate to so much in your story. The abrupt breakup over the phone, in my case over text. The brutal NC and blocking on everything, ignoring the apologies I sent through the couple of channels I knew were still open. And most heartbreakingly, my ex's repeatedly bailing whenever we were taking or about to take our biggest steps forward. I think that's what's so maddening about loving somebody with BPD, the feeling of being Sisyphus pushing the boulder up the hill, where each time we are nearly about to get over the hill the boulder rolls back down crushing us. The highs followed by lows followed by highs followed by lows, the progress followed by setbacks, and the rug being pulled right when it seems like things are going so well -- it's addictive and so hard to get over. I'm two years out from my breakup and still hoping it's just another cycle, that I'll hear from her again. I don't have any particular advice but just wanted to say that you're not alone, and I'm invested in hearing how your story unfolds. 

[ConfusedPolish]

Thanks Caleb,
It’s hard to think of all the history we had with our partners to be because of disorder. Enormous idealization wouldn’t happen. Clinging and enmeshing wouldn’t be so a big and intertwined with trauma dumping. Boundaries we enforced wouldn’t cause so much pain in them.

Right now I am in a difficult place.
On one hand it is not even a week since I reached out to her. On the other hand I have been reading stories that match my experience and I am sure she will not respond. I try to think holistically about the situation and take into account her as a person. She doesn’t have close friends apart from a cousin that is far away and they talk on the phone. And one close friend in place that she meets sporadically. My ex always claimed that her friend doesn’t understand her fully. I wonder if she reaches out when no one will understand her as I did and loved her unconditionally.

What is curious to me she never told me “never contact me again” although I know that she doesn’t recycle and she “likes and embraces changes in her life”. I don’t know if she wants to keep a channel open or just doesn’t care at all. She was also curiously firm when we were talking about friendship which is unusual for her.

I will create a thread soon on “leaving and detachment” board to share my revelations I had with my therapist and generally what I processed.

[ConfusedPolish]

I am so pissed at myself I messaged her on Wednesday night.
I had some idealistic assumption that she will respond but now I see it was pathetic. It is pathetic in my eyes now and it was pathetic in her eyes too.

Why am I still hoping or even wanting her to talk to me? I know she doesn’t have any empathy towards me.
Why am I still expecting maturity from someone with bpd?

I need to admit that memories of intimacy, sex and her admiration are still very vivid in my mind. She was my first “true” love. I am shaking my head as I am writing this…
This mix of hope, anger and disbelief is living hell.
I am starting to be aware that even if she came back it would probably be impossible to get over what she put me through.
Nightmare of a rollercoaster.

[once removed]

This mix of hope, anger and disbelief is living hell.

youre feeling a few things at once. its a lot to feel.

1. your ego is wounded that she didnt respond
2. you are feeling a loss of hope as a result
3. that hope kept grief at bay, that is no longer at bay
4. the baggage, hurt, feelings of injustice, etc, left over from the relationship are surfacing with a vengeance

that is "why".

there was nothing pathetic about sending her an apology. there is never anything pathetic about cleaning up your side of the street. its not as if you got down on your knees and begged for her back; you said youre sorry for your actions. there isnt anything to regret about that. it isnt a "win" for her, or a competition.

you wouldnt have regretted it if she had responded, right? so i would encourage you to let go of that part of this.

it just feels  to not receive a response. i know. and when that happens, there can be a tendency to swing between kicking yourself, and kicking her. these are the psyches way of covering the hurt beneath.

to this day, i feel pretty good about how i looked to my ex when she broke up with me. i was a basket case, but she never saw it, whereas id worn my heart on my sleeve and looked pretty bad after breakups in previous relationships. the one thing i did do, that i regretted, was that when she started making a show of her new boyfriend, i texted her "i want to fight for this. youre worth it". she didnt respond either. id probably take that one back if i could  but who cares?

i dont think a simple apology for your own behavior is in the same category, but i can certainly understand how it feels to put yourself out there, and receive no response.

there may be simple reasons she hasnt responded that have little to do with you or a rejection of you. it could be that shes in a relationship and feels that its inappropriate to correspond with you at all. it could be that she doesnt know what to say. it could be that shes not ready to say anything. it could be that shes that wounded still, from the relationship. im willing to bet good money that none of it is "oh hes so pathetic". it wasnt, and thats just not the sort of thing people do.

youre not going to regret it down the road. what youre feeling, as a result, is loss. the thing that probably helped me the most at the time was learning to untangle those things and separate them. it doesnt make them go away, but it made them easier to manage and to process, and it took the weight off of them.

besides, it is truly too soon, i think, to determine that she wont respond.

[ConfusedPolish]

Hi Once Removed, grateful for you reply as ever <3

1. your ego is wounded that she didnt respond
2. you are feeling a loss of hope as a result
3. that hope kept grief at bay, that is no longer at bay
4. the baggage, hurt, feelings of injustice, etc, left over from the relationship are surfacing with a vengeance

Yes to all of those. What is funny the hope is not completely gone I think, because the grief is not bigger or smaller that it was before. What I feel is disappointment.
And yes for vengeance as it is another form of anger. I don't know if it means I am transitioning to the next stage of grieving.
It's all mixed up together as you noticed.

to this day, i feel pretty good about how i looked to my ex when she broke up with me. i was a basket case, but she never saw it, whereas id worn my heart on my sleeve and looked pretty bad after breakups in previous relationships. the one thing i did do, that i regretted, was that when she started making a show of her new boyfriend, i texted her "i want to fight for this. youre worth it". she didnt respond either. id probably take that one back if i could  but who cares?

I was a basket case when she came for her things. During the awkward conversation I tried to hug her (Jesus I'm cringing right now) and it was like trying to hug a statue.
As for showing her boyfriend, I cannot know. I don't follow her anywhere on socials (all account are private) after I was blocked. She even blocked me on 9th August (after she requested a break) on Instagram. She didn't want me to know what she was up to.
Looking back at this behavior I think that it might have been the moment she started hanging out with my replacement. I may be wrong, doesn't matter really.

there was nothing pathetic about sending her an apology. there is never anything pathetic about cleaning up your side of the street. its not as if you got down on your knees and begged for her back; you said youre sorry for your actions. there isnt anything to regret about that. it isnt a "win" for her, or a competition.

you wouldnt have regretted it if she had responded, right? so i would encourage you to let go of that part of this.

it just feels ***** to not receive a response. i know. and when that happens, there can be a tendency to swing between kicking yourself, and kicking her. these are the psyches way of covering the hurt beneath.

I consider it as a "win" for her because she still thinks I am still not over the whole thing and she already moved on. Even if she is not in r/s with anyone yet she is actively seeking. I know she can't be alone for long, she must have a rebound. She said it herself before.
If she had responded I would be hopeful and she knows it. She decided to hold the silence instead.

there may be simple reasons she hasnt responded that have little to do with you or a rejection of you. it could be that shes in a relationship and feels that its inappropriate to correspond with you at all. it could be that she doesnt know what to say. it could be that shes not ready to say anything. it could be that shes that wounded still, from the relationship. im willing to bet good money that none of it is "oh hes so pathetic". it wasnt, and thats just not the sort of thing people do.
...
besides, it is truly too soon, i think, to determine that she wont respond.

And there it is, another soft blow of air to keep the charcoal burning   
It's the same kind of stupid hope I keep reigniting when I see her active on messenger since she unblocked me. I know I can hide her to avoid looking at her status but not yet. My unwillingness to hide her is a perfect proof I still have hope and cling to the idea of her reaching out.

But stupid coping skill aside, when do you think I should stop hoping she will respond? It can't be forever...
As of the reasons for her silence, I think it has to do with her rejection of me to be honest. I don't occupy any special place in her mind so she pays me no mind.
I even begun to doubt if she has BPD and it's just a normal behavior after breakup when one side of r/s has had enough.
But then I see all the similarities with all other threads and I chose to navigate this as a BPD case. And I know that navigating is a tricky word here.

There is seriously nothing more I can do instead of keeping channels open and passively wait.

[once removed]

I consider it as a "win" for her because she still thinks I am still not over the whole thing and she already moved on.

do you really think shes thinking these things? you know her best; thats a rhetorical question, but people in her position are not usually thinking in these sorts of things. it is really easy, when our pride is wounded, to project our embarrassment onto what the other person might be thinking/experiencing, but thats usually our ego wound talking.

And there it is, another soft blow of air to keep the charcoal burning   

But stupid coping skill aside, when do you think I should stop hoping she will respond? It can't be forever...

i dont say it to give you false hope or encourage you to hang on. Detaching, or not, is something very personal that only you can decide. i say it because its entirely in line with my experience with other human beings, bpd or otherwise, and breakups.

it is really not at all uncommon for someone who receives a note/apology/reach out like you sent, and defer it for a while, several weeks, even 2-3 months. it wouldnt be out of the ordinary if it took longer. and of course, it may never come at all.

i say it to remind yourself of when youre beating yourself up. "im so pathetic for sending that, and now shes winning and smiling and laughing at me and now i feel worse, and she will never respond", while not unusual to experience, is probably not realistic. the fact is you dont know what you dont know.

There is seriously nothing more I can do instead of keeping channels open and passively wait.

there is a lot you can be doing. passively waiting wont help you detach from her, if thats what you choose to do, and if she came back to you tomorrow, it wont help you either.

but my point is not to put your life on hold for a reply that may come, may not come, or may be anti-climatic if it does come. it is to let go of what you dont know, and to invest your time and energy in what you can control.